Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandoms: Guiding Light / All My Children
Pairings: Olivia and Natalia / Lena and Bianca
Disclaimer: The characters of Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, and Dr. Felicia Boudreau are owned by CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The original character Dantéa (Téa) Rivera is the property of this author, and any resemblance to fictional characters, or real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
No copyright infringement intended with regard to Guiding Light, CBS/TeleNext, Proctor & Gamble. With the exceptions of the Farmhouse of Love and Cedars Hospital, the settings, dialogue, and story content in these scenes are original. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Many thanks to my friend and favorite FFW, WickedWanda926, and to my friend newfan64, for their ongoing willingness to edit my stories. Words cannot express how much I appreciate the two of you and your steadfast support of me, both personally, and as a would-be writer. Due to the rush to get you all this update, however, this content has not been edited. Thus, any mistakes contained herein are solely my responsibility. Thank you to all who continue to read and/or comment. I appreciate the time you have invested in this story, and truly hope you continue to enjoy.
Rating: Chapter 18 is rated PG-13 for coarse language.
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May 2009
"For the greater the love, the greater the grief, and the stronger the faith, the more savagely will Satan storm its fortress."
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Chapter 18.10 – What Price We Pay:
Monday, November 23, 2009… The Farmhouse of Love—7:00 a.m. Central Standard Time
Tossing and turning, Olivia groaned in her sleep. It wasn't a groan of pleasure, but rather, one of pain. She rolled over, landing on her side facing Natalia, who had been lying awake for hours, watching Olivia wrestle with invisible demons. The early morning light peered through lacy white curtains that hung beneath the heavy winter drapes that adorned the windows in their bedroom, and Natalia couldn't help but be reminded of other mornings like this one, where she would wake Olivia by making love to her in the early light of morning.
Slowly, Natalia's gaze scanned Olivia's body as she continued in her fitful sleep. She was clothed only in a simple white tank top and purple panties, and reaching the apex of her thighs, Natalia found the source of Olivia's distress—or at least part of it. Her arousal was evidenced by the patch of darkened purple and the unmistakable prominence of that swollen clitoris, as it strained against the soft cotton of her panties. Apparently she wasn't the only one reliving those moments of intimacy.
Reaching out, Natalia tenderly traced the contours of Olivia's face with her fingertip. So much had happened; so much had changed between them. And so much time had passed since they last felt that intimacy, that connection. Natalia wanted to feel that way again. She wanted that connection with Olivia. But her heart still ached with the loss of their child, even all these months later. And even if she could move beyond her grief, she had no idea how to begin healing their relationship.
"I love you, Olivia Spencer," Natalia whispered desperately. "Don't give up on me just yet, okay?"
The corners of Olivia's mouth twitched. "I would wait forever for you," she whispered sleepily.
Startled, Natalia quickly drew her hand away. "I didn't realize you were awake," she said self-consciously.
Cautiously, Olivia reached over, drawing Natalia's hand against her chest. And then she waited to see if Natalia would pull away. "You are far more interesting to me than any dream," she whispered. "Even if I was dreaming about you."
Natalia's lips tipped into a slight smile. "Given the state you're in right now, you'd better have been dreaming about me," she teased. It was the first time she could remember feeling playful with Olivia in months, and damn, it felt good.
Olivia's face flushed deeply. She felt almost ashamed of allowing Natalia to see her that way given the state of their relationship. "I'm so sorry, Natalia. I…"
"Don't. Okay?" Natalia responded gently. "You don't need to apologize."
"But I'm…"
It hadn't taken Natalia long to learn Olivia's needs, and if her calculations were correct, Olivia's cycle would be starting any day, and she was always horniest on the days leading up to it. Empathy filled her, and gently, she pressed a fingertip to Olivia's lips. "I would understand if you need to," she said softly, her gaze flickering down to the obvious wetness between Olivia's thighs. A sight that would ordinarily trigger a strong surge of desire in her, evoked nothing but crushing guilt. Inwardly, she chastised herself for not being the partner Olivia deserved, but her grief overwhelmed everything else, including the desire for sex. "I know it's been a long time. And I know how much you need it, especially when you're about to start."
"I don't want it, Natalia," Olivia refused. "Not without you."
"I can't, Liv," Natalia quickly retorted. "I'm just not ready for that."
"I know…" Olivia's voice was soft, without hint of censure.
"I'm sorry…"
"Don't be."
"Would you…"
Biting her bottom lip, Natalia hesitated.
"Would I what?"
"Would you like me to… take care of it for you?"
Stunned, Olivia offered an incredulous stare. Suddenly she felt very angry, though she couldn't exactly say why. "You've barely spoken two unprovoked words to me in the last week, and now you, what? You want to service me?" Unable to believe the implication in Natalia's offer, she emphasized the action verb.
"It's not like that, Liv," Natalia snapped.
"Then what it is like?" Olivia demanded.
Sitting upright, she flung the covers from her lower legs, and threw them over the side of the bed, distancing herself from Natalia. "You wanna take care of it for me, so you don't have to feel guilty for shutting me out? You're not the only one who lost a child, Natalia."
"Don't put words in my mouth."
"You'd rather I put something else there, right?" Olivia accused. "If all I wanted was someone to suck me off, I could get that at any local bar."
"Don't be so crass," Natalia reprimanded.
"Or is that what you're afraid of?" Olivia barked. "That I'll go get it elsewhere, since I'm not getting it at home?" Suddenly Natalia's jealous comment made perfect sense, and Olivia's mind went wild with assumptions.
"No, of course not," Natalia sighed. The thought had never even crossed Natalia's mind.
"I need a shower," Olivia announced curtly. She climbed out of bed, and padded toward the master bath without another word.
Natalia watched her go, and then stared in the direction where she had disappeared behind the closed bathroom door, long after she was gone. They had shared a bed every night since Téa's death, sleeping a mere three feet away from one another. But never in her life had Natalia felt such a deep chasm between herself and another human being.
She missed Olivia terribly, but her grief was just simply too profound to overcome. She thought about their lost child. But she didn't cry. She hadn't cried since those first few moments after she felt Téa's life slip from her body as she held her in the nursery at Cedars. She wondered if she would ever dare cry again, because once the tears began, she was afraid they would never end.
Several minutes later, she heard the pounding of the water cease, indicating that Olivia was finished with her shower. And before she would have to encounter the anguished expression on Olivia's face yet again, she rolled over in their bed, and pretended to sleep.
Monday, November 23, 2009… Dr. Felicia Boudreau's Office, Cedars Hospital, Springfield—8:45 a.m. Central Standard Time
Not quite two hours after their argument, Olivia found herself back in Felicia Boudreau's office. It was the earliest appointment she could get, or she would've been there shortly after dawn.
"I don't know what to do, Dr. Boudreau," Olivia said for the umpteenth time since starting therapy three months prior. She was frantically pacing back and forth across the thick carpeting as she spoke.
"Why don't tell me what happened?" Felicia suggested, not the least bit affected by the movement. Sometimes clients paced. Sometimes they fidgeted in the chair, or with items from the fidget box that was strategically placed within their reach at the outer edge of her desk. Other times their gazes flitted around the room uncontrollably. It was a part of who they were; a way for them to express their inner turmoil or release pent-up energy.
Olivia nodded, and briefly described the scene that had played out in their bedroom earlier that morning, ending the story by exclaiming, "And the next thing I know, she's offering to fucking service me! Can you believe that shit?"
"And how did that make you feel, Olivia?" Felicia asked, her tone exasperatingly steady.
"Angry!" Olivia snapped, turning sharply on her heel.
"Angry." Felicia sounded as though she was contemplating the word.
"Yes, angry," Olivia snarled. "Wouldn't you be?"
"We're not talking about me," Felicia gently reminded.
"Of course we're not," Olivia said on a bitter laugh. She sank down into the familiar chair across the desk from Felicia, burying her face in her hands.
Silence filled the space between them, as it so often did; Olivia contemplating, Felicia waiting patiently. It was several minutes before Olivia spoke again. "I'm angry because she expects me to cheat," she finally admitted.
"Did she say that?" Felicia asked.
"Not in so many words," Olivia shrugged.
"What words did she say exactly?" Felicia inquired. She knew from experience that Olivia often struggled with cognitive distortions and tended to project the resulting undesirable emotions onto others. Thus, she was testing a hypothesis that the accusation was a figment of Olivia's own thoughts or expectations, rather than something Natalia actually said.
Again, silence loomed as Olivia contemplated how to answer. "Look, she didn't say any of those words, okay?" she grudgingly admitted.
"You said them yourself, and projected them onto her," Felicia ventured to guess.
"Yes," Olivia sighed. She hated how well this woman understood her. It didn't matter that it was Felicia's job to do exactly that.
"Have you contemplated cheating, Olivia?" Dr. Boudreau asked, wondering if this was Olivia's subconscious trying to warn Natalia.
Tears in her eyes, Olivia lifted her head, locking her gaze on Felicia's dark, inquiring eyes. "Never," she answered passionately. "Not on Natalia. Not ever."
Taking the response in stride, Felicia nodded. "But the Olivia Spencer of old would've been out there months ago, searching for an opportunity," she asserted.
"Creating opportunities, would be more to the point," Olivia corrected self-deprecatingly.
"You hate that part of yourself," Felicia asserted.
"More than you could possibly comprehend," Olivia confirmed. She sounded reigned to the fact.
"And why is that?"
"Why do I hate that part of myself?" Olivia asked, seeking clarification. "Or why couldn't you comprehend it?"
"Both."
"You don't know what it's like being the person who always cheats," Olivia said, taking on the second half of the question first. It was far less painful to face.
"Perhaps not," Felicia granted, without really giving any personal information away. She leaned back in her black leather chair, clasping her hands together in a now-familiar pose. "But I've spent a whole lot of time listening to the pain those people cause for themselves and those they love."
"Touché, Doc," Olivia said flippantly.
"Now tell me why you hate that part of yourself," Felicia prodded.
"I hate it because…" Olivia sighed. What she hated was feeling exposed.
"Because why, Olivia?" Felicia gently prodded. She leaned forward again, her chair creaking as she moved. They were on the verge of something crucial. She could feel it.
Silence surrounded them again, as Olivia pondered. "Because if I lose Natalia, I could easily become that person again," she finally admitted. "I'm only different because of her. She makes me want to be better."
"And you feel like you're on the verge of losing her," Felicia deduced, "which is why you think she should expect you to cheat."
Olivia shrugged. "Sounds like you don't really need me here," she commented. "You've got it all figured out."
"Ah, sarcasm," Felicia lamented, the moment, the opportunity, unfortunately lost to both of them. "It serves you well, doesn't it, Olivia?"
"It's the highway to avoidance," Olivia said glibly.
"Avoidance won't bring resolution," Felicia noted.
Olivia released a sharp laugh. "Well, you don't become Olivia Spencer by dealing with your crap head-on."
"And yet, here you are…" Felicia ignored the display of self-deprecation in search of more meaningful content; an attempt to recapture that lost opportunity.
"Yes," Olivia sighed. "Here I am…"
She fell silent again, contemplative. It bothered her sometimes, how that always seemed to be her default when she walked into this room. Somehow just being in this space, in the presence of this woman, made her think far more deeply about things that she so often chose to avoid in the outside world.
Several minutes later, with her head lowered, hands clasped in her lap, Olivia finally admitted, "I feel… guilty."
"Guilt isn't a feeling, Olivia," Dr. Boudreau gently corrected. "It's a thought, a belief that you should've handled something differently. What's the feeling associated with that thought?"
Olivia sighed. Fuck, this woman was annoying sometimes. "Why am I even talking to you?"
"I don't know, Olivia. Why are you?"
"Must you always answer questions with questions?"
"No, not at all," Felicia answered calmly. "But I find it interesting how much it appears to annoy you."
"Everything about you annoys me," Olivia groused.
"And yet, you keep coming back," Felicia pointed out with a touch of humor.
"Character flaw," Olivia retorted.
Felicia simply raised an eyebrow in response.
"Fine," Olivia snapped. "I'm fucking angry as hell, okay? Is that better?"
Without missing a beat, Felicia simply asked, "Who is your anger directed toward?"
"Myself," Olivia admitted dejectedly, after taking a moment to breathe. "I'm angry with myself for not being able to help her. I've tried everything I can think of, and nothing works. Fuck, I even took her to church, for Christ's sake!"
Felicia bit back the urge to laugh at the irony of Olivia's word choice, and instead focused on this intriguing new revelation. "Church?"
"Yeah, I took her two counties over, to a church where friends of ours attend, because I knew their minister was supportive of same-sex relationships," Olivia reported. "I thought it would help, being in a place where she could have her faith and not have to feel guilty for loving me."
"And how did that work out?"
"It was a complete shit-show," Olivia declared. "And I felt like a total failure as a partner."
Felicia opened her mouth to correct Olivia's misstatement, only to have Olivia raise a hand in protest. "I know, I know," she groused. "That's a thought, not a fucking feeling. I'm so over you and your cognitive-whatever bullshit…"
"At least I know you're paying attention," Felicia reasoned wittily.
"Well, I certainly pay you enough," Olivia grumbled, feigning irritation at the high cost of her sessions with the doctor. "Figured I should listen. Maybe you'd say something useful once in a while," she reasoned. "You could use some new material though. This shit's getting old."
Felicia laughed openly this time. It was good that Olivia could express herself with humor sometimes, despite her pain and anger. That boded well for recovery. She only hoped Natalia could find a little of that healing humor for herself at some point, as well.
TBC in Chapter 18.11…