When the Light Returned, Chapter Four: by Phoenix Pinion

Disclaimer (God, I hate these things) – I do not own Kingdom Hearts, and this is not meant for profit! Please don't sue

WARNING – THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DETAILED SCENES OF A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. IF THIS OFFENDS OR BOTHERS YOU, THEN BY ALL MEANS, DON'T READ!!!

Damn, was I tired. Two straight weeks of wandering, occasionally acquiring food from kindly villagers who felt pity at my lean body and winced when they saw my protruding ribs, and hardly any sleep, had taken its toll on me. My small supply of fresh water had run out the day before, and if I did not get any more soon I would not make it.

Not that that mattered to me, of course. The terror of my world being destroyed still rested heavily on my conscious; my friend's and comrade's screams echoed in my mind constantly. Almost every night since the two weeks ago that it happened I would awaken from an uneasy sleep hoarsely yelling with shock, sobbing wildly with grief, as horrific flashbacks made their way to my subconscious through awful nightmares. Oh, God, it hurt so bad, not knowing if I was the only one who survived the attack, not knowing anything about the strange new worlds I was encountering, finding out that my Gil that I tried to use to buy new clothes and food and drink had no effect (something called 'Munny' was used for currency, which I had none of)…everything was just so different, so tragic…I guess the only reason that I was traveling, was still living, was to find traces of anyone who may have survived. So far, my search had been fruitless.

Feet dragging – I had been walking in a forest now for almost two days – I stumbled on. Tears leaked from my eyes; there was no way anyone could have survived. Hell, it was a miracle I had myself. Aerith, Tifa, Barret, Yuffie, Red XIII, Vincent…all gone. However much I missed all of them, Aerith's death was the one that hurt the most. I truly had loved her, unlike my sister-type love of Tifa. I had never gotten to confess my feelings for her either, and now it was too late.

Still in a sort of grief-filled daze, I hardly noticed when my booted feet walked onto hard ground, no longer the soft, mossy mud of the forest, and I stopped, looking in a numb awe and surprise at the tiny town presented before me. I had just walked through enormous double doors to get to a cobblestone pavement village, as old-fashioned as you can get, with odd wooden houses and quaint people moving about it. My throat begged for water, my stomach for food, but I didn't know whether I should continue into this bizarre place or turn back. Walking weakly into the town, doing as my body told me, I staggered a few more paces and found myself facing a young boy. His blond hair was about the length to his chin, and hung in spikes about his face. Those blue eyes of his were just too old for his young age. My eyes strayed to his bare feet, then up past his red shorts and white vest. Where were his parents? I wondered to myself. He only looked about nine years old.

"This is Traverse Town," he piped, looking oddly at my tattered SOLDIER clothes. "I guess your world was destroyed too, huh?"

"Traverse Town," I echoed his first sentence, glancing around me.

"This is where everyone who has no one left and no home gets to, eventually," the boy continued. "I won't ask you what happened – no one does, it's always too painful – but I can tell something real bad happened to you."

"Is…is there some type of inn here?" I asked, feeling waves of intense fatigue and drowsiness washing over me. Having no food and drink had taken its toll; I felt I was about to pass out anytime now.

"In District Two," he answered, gesturing vaguely to his left. Then, with concern, he stared at my face. "You look kinda pale…can you make it there by yourself?"

"Yeah," was all I could mumble before falling into darkness.

When I next awoke I was in a warm bed, covers comfortably tucked to my chin, with my dirty boots neatly stacked in one corner and my Buster Sword leaning against the far wall. Struggling to a sit, I looked to my left to see a large-looking man dozing on a chair. He looked grizzled, with a tangled brown beard hiding his face from me, and dark brown hair cut short to his head. Since his eyes were closed, I could not see the color of them. My stomach grumbling loudly made him snort awake.

"Oh, you're up!" he said. "For a moment, I didn't think you'd make it. I'll get'cha some food." Brown, I realized. His eyes are brown. Just like his hair. Immediately arising, he grinned to himself and lumbered to the hallway. Looking around, I noted that this seemed to be an inn room of some sort. Idly wondering how I got here, I frowned as Aerith's face, unbidden, popped into my mind; my eyes teared up and I roughly wiped the unshed moisture from my eyes before the man returned. He carried a bowl of steaming, delicious-smelling soup. He set it in my hands, and when I tried to tell him I had no Munny, he shushed me and cried, "Eat! My goodness, you're thin as a rod and pale as a sheet and you're trying to refuse some food?"

Sighing, I began to eat, wondering what he'd do to me when he saw I had no Munny, and I quickly realized how good the food was. I had downed it within minutes and ate another whole helping before drinking a delightfully spicy drink (tea, maybe?) and finally becoming satisfied. The man seemed satisfied himself, and emphatically nodded his head.

"Finally there's some color in your cheeks. What's your name, anyway?"

"Cloud."  Somehow, my voice sounded hoarse and disused to my ears. With a little trepidation I ventured timidly, "I…I have no Munny. In my world, we use…" Sudden pain ripped through me, and I corrected, "used to use Gil, but now…"

"Fine, son, it's fine," he chortled, clapping my shoulder. "I'm easy with these things. I can see in your eyes that something terrible happened to you, so this is free."

"Th-thank you," I stammered, surprised at his kindness, which was so weird in this strange place. "Is this the inn in District Two? Um, how did I…"

"I carried you here, once that boy came to me," said the man. He certainly looked strong enough to lift me. "You're light as a feather, you know that, kid?"

"I haven't eaten for a while," I croaked, feeling tired again.

"You can say that again. Say, you look exhausted! Just rest, okay? Go down to the lobby when you feel better. By the way, my name's Samus."

"Thanks," I whispered, laying back and falling into a troubled sleep as he left the room.

I was back in my world, celebrating the defeat of Sephiroth with my comrades. After barely escaping from his dungeon, we had crashed the airship in a grassy meadow and now sat reveling in the importance of what we had done. Giving me a huge hug, Tifa shrieked in my ear, "We did it, Cloud!" Grinning to myself in a smug way, I tightened my arms around her and let her lips brush against my cheek before pulling back.

Barret jumped to me and crushed me in a hug himself, his machine-gun implanted hand smashing me to his chest. "Man, we did it!" he shouted too, before releasing me. Smirking in spite of my serious nature, I fell back on the grass and just reflected. Finally my old nemesis and the killer of the planet had been defeated. It was such an astoundingly tough battle with the One-Winged Angel…but I no longer cared. Aerith was finally avenged. Though, for the strangest reason, I felt that maybe, just maybe, she hadn't truly died after all…

I could sense her presence. Something about it just told me she was alive; ever since I defeated Sephiroth, I felt like she had…survived, maybe? I couldn't even put it into words…it was such an odd feeling…one that I couldn't shake. Aerith…did Sephiroth really kill you? If my feelings were right, I didn't know what I'd do. Oh, Aerith, I love you so…please be alive… 

Suddenly the sky began to darken. Confusion and concern flashed across my brow before I carefully erased it and replaced it with a mask of stoic.  A ripple of unease passed through the team, who quickly stopped celebrating and instinctively turned to me, their leader, wanting and expecting answers.

"Cloud…" Cid began, voice slightly trembling, "we defeated Sephiroth…and you killed him…right?"

"Right," I replied, shutting my eyes against the terrifyingly dark sky. What in the hell was going on? Sephiroth was dead. He was the only one who could blacken the sky like this…wasn't he?

"So…what's going on?"  the timid question was ventured forth by Red XII, who quietly slunk forth and sat in front of me. I opened my eyes and stared into his, the ones that were so gentle, mature, compassionate…and yet worried and concerned at the moment. It was one of the first times I had seen his eyes so frightened. And as we had a stare down, there in the middle of a circle of my team – who had gathered 'round to hear my answer – he suddenly saw. Then he blinked.

"You don't know."

Staying as I was, I just turned. Somehow, I was calm. Even though there was unrest, a crazy, insane type of unrest, in the balance of nature, I didn't care. I'm going to die, I thought. Even then I still could not care less. At least I'll get to be with Aerith…but…what if she's…?

"You're right." I mumbled. As the darkness opened it swallowed me, consuming me with that horrible nothingness that, as I later would learn, was the nothingness of the Heartless, and even as I let it consume me, I saw her. Oh God, I saw her!

My eyes also beheld my comrades struggling, however uselessly, as those dark shapeless masses ripped them apart, but…

"Aerith!" I screamed…

And I awoke hoarsely yelling her name. Oh, God, what a nightmare. Sitting up and quietly wiping my tear- and sweat-stained face with a clumsy, sleepy hand, I sat up and let my head droop. Damn, what if she didn't even survive? What if she was dead in the first place…maybe I just imagined seeing her that day? Ever since the attack, I had been skeptical of seeing her; it had been a sort of dim hope that I had desperately clung to. The hope was still there, but not nearly as strong as before…it was just as weak as my will to live.

Without bothering to put on my boots, I tiredly walked downstairs - to the lobby, apparently - and saw Samus in front of a warm fire. He had not yet noticed that I was awake, and jolted when I said quietly, "I'll work for board and Munny."

He turned, and chuckled. "Ah, it's the enigma boy. Cloud, is it? Well, you can work for the Munny, but I already told you the room is free." I again felt touched at his kindness. He hardly knew me, yet was willing to freely offer me a room. He did not demand that I work, nor did he kick me out until I got Munny.

"Thank you."

In the week that I worked there – mostly odd jobs, like cleaning the dishes and changing the sheets – I began to feel more and more hopeless, though I didn't show it outwardly to Samus. Aerith (if she's still alive) could be out there dying and you're sitting on your ass in some inn? Get it together, you idiot! And what about the others? If any of them survived, they might need you too! God, you're so pathetic! And I even began to think that they, everyone, even Aerith, had died, and that I was the only one left. The thought got incredibly depressing, and one night, after awakening from yet another nightmare, I knew exactly what I had to do.

You worthless piece of shit, my mind taunted me as I arose and walked to my oversized jacket, lent to me by Samus, and pulled a small weapon out from a pocket of it. Running away now, are you? Just can't face the truth: that you could never save Aerith! That she's dead!

"No," I wearily murmured, "I can't. That's why I can't stay in this world."

The little dagger I had bought two days before fit snugly in my hand, and even as I was sure that what I was about to do was the right thing, my hand quivered and shook, almost as if it was trying to dissuade me from the terrible sin I was about to commit. The taunts and retorts from my mind just spurred me on all the more.

As I placed the dagger to my left wrist, I saw just how shaky my hand was. It cut a few small gashes on its own, and a tiny well of blood, three dime-sized drops, spilled onto my palm and down my arm. You're really going to do it, aren't you? …Ha! Good riddance, you bastard!

My hand slashed clumsily, in an inexperienced way, across my wrist. The cut was slightly diagonal, yet it still slit the veins nicely, and more blood appeared, creating a contrast between my pale skin and the blood's bright red hue. …Now the other wrist.

The gash was a bit cleaner as I switched hands and moved to my right wrist; not as diagonal, and I noticed with some, albeit foggy and pain-filled, interest that I had stopped trembling. I would be with Aerith quickly…the blood streaming down and coating my hands told me just as well as my own mind did, just as well as the extreme, stinging pain did, and gave me an odd sort of confidence.

Now, why didn't I do this before…?

As woozy as I was, I knew I still had one more piece to fit into the puzzle before the suicide would be complete. Bringing the bloody tool to my throat, I cut the live-giving vein there before weakly dropping the dagger and falling to the floor…Aerith…my comrades…I will see you all soon…

And suddenly I felt something being forcibly pushed into my mouth.

"Drink it…drink it, god damn it!!" Samus' voice reached my ears. Odd…how did he find me…? But there was a certain quality in his voice that told me that I should obey him, and so I gulped the liquid as best I could. A potion…It's a potion… My mind divulged, and as I reveled in this fact I felt the pain, amazingly, begin to slack off.

"Damn it…need another one," Samus grunted, and seconds later the mouth of yet another small bottle was shoved between my lips. "You…stupid asshole bastard…drink it!"

Again I swallowed the tangy-sweet life-giver, and forced my eyes open to see a dull green aura surrounding my bleeding body, and Samus looking at me – were those tears in his eyes? The blood's quick flow slowly slackened as the potion carried its way through my body. My frighteningly deep slits began to close themselves up, as I watched in amazement; strength quietly returned to my body. What just happened…? My mind, in awe, wondered, as I stared at all that was left of my ordeal: two dark pink scars on my wrists, and most likely one on my throat.

Long moments of silence passed between Samus and I.

"Holy Hell," he finally breathed…

Ten minutes later, still in my blood-spattered clothes, I sat trembling by Samus' fire, wrapped in a carefully situated blanket that hid my scars, quietly sipping the same beverage that had first been served to me. At the time of my attempt I had found suicide to be a welcome escape, but now I was shocked at myself and at how close I had come to committing it. My mind was quiet, apparently just as surprised. Samus sat by me, as pale as I most likely was. An awkward silence was between us, and I didn't particularly feel like breaking it. Finally:

"Cloud, you're looking for someone, aren't you?" It was certainly an odd question to ask, especially now, but I was thankful that he didn't bring up…

"…Yes," I whispered, not looking into his deep brown eyes, just staring at the heat of the fire, "I think."

"This person…" Samus hesitated, "is very important to you, correct?"

"Yes." I admitted.

"Aerith? Right?" I jolted, eyes widening in shock. How could he…? "You were screaming her name," he quietly explained. "That was why I went to your room in the first place…"

Jolting yet again at this revelation, my mouth dropped open. So, technically, you saved my life, Aerith…oh, God… "Yes," I replied, starting to tremble at the enormity of what I had just thought (maybe Aerith saved you because she is alive…?), "but I don't even know if she's alive or not. And everyone else…dead…"

"So you wanted to join them." This was not a question, but a statement.

"Yes." I repeated for the fourth time, still intently watching the fire and refusing to meet his eyes.

"Cloud, you have no light in you. Your soul is shrouded in darkness. This Aerith…I predict that, if you find her, she will light, and purify, your soul."

"Light…" I echoed…

It was a week later. Too ashamed of my scars to look at them, I had bought a whole new wardrobe – thick, heavy gloves covering my wrists; new pants and a shirt; a thick red cape that I heavily wrapped around my neck; and belts buckled all over my body. Though I felt a bit more comfortable and at ease with this covering outfit, I still felt very embarrassed when I undressed at night. It was nighttime now, and I lay awake sitting on my bed, staring with troubled eyes at my scars. Samus' words still echoed in my mind: I predict that, if you find her, she will light, and purify, your soul.

Yes…my light…

And it was at that moment that I knew I had to leave.

I packed what little I had (actually, there was nothing on my but my Buster Sword, a few potions and some Munny), dryly noting that Samus had discreetly taken my dagger. Oh well; it probably would have been too tempting anyway. I shuddered as that thought crossed my mind. I could not die now, not now that I actually had a will to live, and that I knew where I was going.

After scribbling a hasty note for Samus, dear Samus, I left 200 Munny on the bed for him. His note read as follows:

Samus –

I have a purpose now. I'm searching for my light. My deepest thanks go to you for pulling me out of my darkest hour and helping me realize that it was. I hope my Munny will pay for the potions (as you won't let me pay for the room).

                        -Cloud

As I quietly crept downstairs, being sure not to awaken Samus, I felt lighter than I ever had before. I finally felt like my life had meaning: I was searching for my light.

~To Be Continued

Author's Notes – Wow, guys, I am so sorry that I didn't get this chapter up sooner! My computer has been a mess since my aunt deleted a file that we need to run our computer. I'm amazed that I could even post this chapter, my computer is crapping out so bad ^_^;

I have the oddest feeling that I'm gonna get flamed for this chapter…it's just a little flashback explaining why Aerith is Cloud's 'light' and showing how intense Cloud's feelings for her are. It really could be a stand-alone one-shot, but I think that it'll fit better in this story, and I'll probably refer back to this in later chapters. I will not tolerate flames about Cloud's suicide attempt, though, because I clearly warned you about that before the chapter started.

Well, I don't know who's point of view I'll go to next chapter. Probably Aerith…but maybe not…I don't know…and FINAL FANTASY X IS THE COOLEST GAME! I got it for Christmas and I can't stop playing it! That's another reason why this chapter is so late. ^_^;

Well, expect the next chapter anywhere from a week to two weeks! Bye, all! ~PP