"This is the most elaborate fucking joke I've ever heard of. There had better be a camera on me at all times to capture my absolute fury. I demand a cut of whatever obscene amounts of money the reality show that's filming this is making in addition to the amount I'm going to sue them for."
Holly's voice startled Maria away from the window. "Is that all you think about? You know, you're a really sarcastic bitch when you're upset."
"Hey, you're back to the normal you. What happened to the pants-wetting kid I was trying to take care of?"
Maria snorted. "I'd like to point out that I tried to save you as you fell off a tree limb like two stories high. I bashed myself unconscious too when we both fell, you schmuck."
"I hear I have that effect, but let's keep that quiet."
"Holly, shut up for two seconds and let me talk, all right?"
Holly shrugged. "No, wait. I just have a couple of questions. They're easy, and then you'll get your turn, okay?"
"Fine."
"First off; is this a hospital?" The doubt in her voice was readily evident. Maria could guess why; gray wood paneled the room. The bed Holly lay in was low to the ground and designed almost in the fashion of a canopy. Rich purple draped Holly from the waist down. The bed dressings were light, given the temperate climate. The dwelling itself smelled of fresh sea breeze and-"It smells like fish in here, Maria. Like old, nasty fish. Please explain why it smells like this in what I really hope is a hospital." Holly's fingers drifted to her forehead and she cocked an eyebrow. The lack of a gaping wound was bizarre. No stitches, either. The flesh was still tender but lacked any discernable wound.
"It isn't exactly a hospital," Maria hedged. "It's a home of, er, people who live in the area. Holly, we're close to Auberdine!" Maria's voice betrayed her almost hysterical excitement. "Auberdine, on Kalimdor in Azeroth! Hello, we're in the World of Warcraft!" She grinned maniacally.
Holly regarded Maria with a calculated air. "I did warn you about all those drugs, Maria. Could I speak with whoever owns the house?"
Maria frowned. "That may not be the best idea ever. At least, not yet. Though, I guess you're going to have to see sooner or later."
Holly bridled. "All right, what? Look, I can take a joke pretty well, but I totaled my car in a crazy-ass wreck last night, get chased by wolves up a tree, and I do remember falling out of said tree. So you know, I'm not in the best of moods. Just please ask the very nice, hopefully not psychotic owner of this home to come here."
"Sure. Why don't you follow me?" Maria's voice was edged with smug superiority.
Holly dragged her sluggish body from the rather comfortable, if low-slung, bed. "I have no idea what you're playing at, but I feel that I've always been a good roommate to you. I replace anything I eat that's yours, I don't borrow your clothes, though that's largely because everything you own looks like Technicolor vomit, and I"- she stopped cold, having shuffled to the gargantuan open wall. Her face went completely slack. She took in the view of the area and its inhabitants below, and then turned around abruptly. "I tell you what. You call the men in white coats and I'll get back in bed. Tell them to be gentle when they get here."
"No! You idiot, there are no phones! Do you even know what I'm talking about? We're in Azeroth! Those are Kaldori, Holly! Isn't it great!" Maria positively exuded happiness.
"Look, I know what you're talking about. I have an account and a 'toon or two. I will also never again admit that in public. Ah, Maria, Azeroth is a fictional world copyrighted to Blizzard Entertainment. Now, I think it's a great game and all, but more than likely I'm hallucinating as I bleed to death in my truck." She looked put out. "Though I've got to say, I like this option a whole lot better." She felt along her forehead again. "What happened to my cut, anyway?"
Maria seemed as though she was caught in a fit of joy. "The Druids! We were rescued from the wolves by a group of Druids! Those guys down there are them! You also really hurt your leg in the fall, but they totally healed you right up. Isn't that awesome?"
"It sounds like I'm nearing the end of the 'bleeding to death' phase." Holly sat on the edge of the bed and gawped. "Pretty, for a hallucination. I wonder why I chose this to dream about?"
Maria screeched in frustration. In response to the upset sound, heavy footsteps could be heard thundering toward their room. She smiled half-heartedly. "All right, you. I tried to do it nicely. Now you'll get the shock version."
Holly glanced up, not paying much attention to Maria's chatter. The door swung open, and Holly stopped breathing.
Two women barreled into the room, strange circular weapons at the ready. Holly vaguely recognized the weapons but could not recall the exact name. The women carried themselves warily, eyeing the room's occupants and checking for possible threats. At finding nothing out of place they looked rather puzzled.
Their ears really were sort of ridiculous, Holly thought wryly. The fleshy appendages stood out from the Sentinels' heads by perhaps half a foot. Their protective headgear had been wrought to accommodate the attributes. One was slightly taller and leaner than the other, much to Holly's relief. She had feared their bodies would be identical. One approached Maria, asking something in what Holly supposed was Darnassian. Maria shrugged helplessly.
Holly grinned wickedly. There were maybe two phrases she knew from playing Warcraft that might elicit a real reaction. "Ishnu-allah," she said.
The Sentinels swiveled to face the seated human girl. They spoke rapid-fire, all totally lost on Holly.
"Sorry," she apologized. "That's all I know."
The taller warrior tapped her chin and tried in a different language.
Still, Holly could only shrug. "I'm really, really sorry. I've got nothing, ladies. I'm sort of a one-trick pony when it comes to language."
The armored pair nodded vaguely and, seeing nothing amiss, left. Once outside of the room, Sentinel Relia Newmoon turned to her companion. "Two humans who do not speak Common? Perhaps the Druids were fooled. They could be spies."
"They are helpless, and fairly incompetent to boot," Illestre Greenpath replied. "I would have trouble believing that. Besides, the Druids could only track them to a strange metal insect shell."
Relia looked alarmed. "Insect shell? Could this be a ploy of the Silithid?"
"Friend, you have encountered the two. I have not yet found any others as utterly helpless as they. In my service against the Burning Legion I encountered young gnome children with more sensibility than the girls, if you can believe that. Druid Malorn speaks of taking them to the Archdruid, but you know of the sum of his grand plans." Illestre repositioned her glaive, angling the blades vertically. "The girls would be best aided by their own kind. I cannot fathom human designs and do not aspire to. The greatest kindness that could be bestowed on them is a return to their own kind."
Back in the room, Maria smirked at Holly. "Pretty lively for a delusion, right?"
"Okay, I'm willing to go with it. It's a pleasant sort of fantasy at least. One point I want to make, though; do you really think us being here is a good thing?"
Maria fairly squealed. "Yes! Oh my God, think about it! We're in Azeroth! There are really night elves, there are dwarves"-
"There's also the Scourge's plague that could kill us really easily, since we have immune systems that haven't ever encountered any of their illnesses. Hell, Maria, their version of the common cold could finish us off. Haven't you ever read about what happened when the Europeans first encountered the Native Americans? The diseases exchanged killed off huge numbers of people. If that doesn't do it then our situation will. We've got no money or friends here. Food costs money and…how did you get a room here, exactly?"
"It's someone's home. The Druids and a party of Sentinels are here for now, but they act like their stay won't be long. We're pretty much here on the owner's kindness. Technically we're Alliance since we're humans." Maria turned back to the window. "Auberdine. That place is a huge hub of people."
"In game it is, but I didn't see anyone walking around with a big yellow exclamation point over their heads. I thought the night elves were supposed to be aloof and a little condescending to other races, generally. Besides, what business do other races have here, if you think about it? I really doubt there are legions of quest-givers here."
"Well, there's one way to find out," Maria squinted at something in the distance. "I mostly see night elves from here, but we're a little ways from the town itself. We're just south of it, I think. How do you feel?"
"I could walk," Holly allowed. "Oh Jesus." Holly did not sound particularly upset or even interested. "Worst. Day. Ever. And I still have the feeling I'm on Candid Camera. Interestingly enough, who dressed me?"
"I did, and bathed you too. Well, some of the Druids helped. You were ripe."
Holly bridled at the thought of her naked, unconscious body being manhandled by a bunch of strangers, especially handsome ones. She forced it down. "Can I have some real clothes now? Please? I'm not walking around in this. It's just bad all around."
"It's just a garment for the home while you recover."
"Maria, its underwear. Unsexy and unflattering underwear, in the way of a description. I'm not going to walk around like an old British nanny. Where are my jeans?"
"I'll bring them to you when they're done drying. We had to wash them. They were covered in blood. Your shirt was a total loss, you'd bled all over it."
"I'm sorry; I can't have heard that right. Please try again. The answer I want to hear involves the word, 'immediately'. I'm not walking around in anything like your long thermal underwear, either…Hey, what happened to my hiking pack? I had useful stuff in there."
"They aren't underwear!" Maria sounded mortally offended and clutched at the thin shawl around her shoulders. "They're homespuns. I tore my clothes when I fell."
"What? Homespuns? And stop avoiding my question; where's my pack?"
"Yes; they're clothes made at home. I think your pack is maybe with the rest of your clothes. I mean, I can't see us needing it anymore."
"You're kidding. You're not? I'd like to get home at some point. Preferably before I start nattering like a lunatic."
"Little late for that," remarked Maria dryly. "And we could learn things here, Holly. Think about it. We actually learn magic here!"
"No." Holly sounded resolute. "I'm going to call bullshit on that one.
"Oh really? Well, how about your head? Magic healed that, and your whiplash, too."
Holly rubbed the back of her neck. It refused to hurt, not even a twinge. She willed it to at least cramp. It steadfastly refused. "Okay, that's neat," she allowed. "But, uh, back to one of my original thoughts…sanity. How do you know you're not nuts?"
"What?" Maria had not considered that point.
"What if you've gone stark raving? What if you're really in a grim little cell somewhere, having this conversation all to yourself? Ever think of that?"
"No," Maria said slowly.
"Well then, now you have," Holly smiled brightly. "Welcome to that pleasant train of thought. I've had it running through my head for awhile now. Share and share alike."
"You utter bitch," Maria said mildly.
"I try. I've also just had a thought. A few of them, so try to keep up."
"Er"-
"First off; we need to learn how to defend ourselves. I know that in the game we're suppose to have some incredible powers flowing from the gods, but I don't feel all that differently, and quite frankly Azeroth's gods sound kind of like assholes, because I'd imagine it's their fault for not sealing up any little cracks people can slip through. I'd rather not depend on them if I can help it. Secondly; we need to find out all we can about this world. It's pretty fucking obvious it's more than a stone's throw from our own. We need to make it work for us, follow me?"
"No, and it's"-
"Think about it, Maria. These people believe-or have the conditioning and capacity to believe-that we're from some mystical place. Right now, we're just a couple of transients without any standing, money, reputations, defenses, or-or anything else-to our names. We need them to believe that we're excellent beings from far away who have come to rule them in a benevolent fashion. Otherwise, we could well spend the rest of our lives in servitude or just die when they toss us out onto the streets, assuming that this place has streets somewhere. Now do you follow?"
"That's horrible, Holly, do you have any idea what that means? You want to trick them into making us their-their what, leaders? Royalty?"
"Yes, exactly. And we might not even be tricking them, Maria. I'd say that if I'm taken out of my world, tossed into the unknown, and have to civilize this place into something habitable, I deserve a little compensation. Like a harem full of nubile young men whose singular job in life is to make me squeal. I don't think that's too much to ask for what I'm giving up."
"It really alarms me that the first things you think of involve money and pleasure."
"Hardly. It means I'm still sane enough to cover my ass, and quite frankly you should be devising the same. I'm disappointed in you."
"In me!" Maria sputtered. "That you-oh, that's funny-you opportunistic creep"-
"Sticks and stones and all that nonsense. And you have to admit that I've got a point. I will, with my right hand to god-whichever one that turns out to be-go to the ends of the earth to do whatever it is that we need to do to stay alive and content. Now let's find me some clothes I'm not ashamed of, some breakfast, and my backpack, and then we'll see about being prophets or saviors or whatever." Holly shifted and then jiggled. "On second thought, where's the little girls' room? I need to powder my nose."
Maria smiled savagely. "I am so glad you asked."
That the "little girls' room" Maria escorted her to was at the end of a hall was not lost on Holly. Maria's obvious hateful glee was duly noted as well. She also recognized the ghastly reek emanating from it. Her eyes were watering and she sniffled frequently. She shot an irritated look at Maria, who seemed mildly surprised. "Don't tell me; no running water. It's a pit toilet, isn't it?"
"You can smell it from here?" Maria asked, sounding genuinely surprised. "I must be getting used to it. I haven't gotten a whiff just yet. Oh, there it is. You enjoy, Holly."
Holly's eyes and nose were streaming and she bounced from foot to foot. "Don't they have chamber pots?"
"Is it really that bad? I'll admit, Holly, it's gross, but I'm standing right next to you and I'm not crying over it."
"I'm not crying; it's just godawful. I think I'm going to chuck." She looked around desperately; surely some other option had to exist. The floor was looking a sight better.
"Do it in there! Look, do it once and get it over with. Go!"
Her stomach gave a painful lurch and she threw open the wooden door of the small room. The smell was overpowering without the meager barrier of the door. The back of her throat burned and her salivary glands went into overdrive. Where the bleeding hell was the john?
She cast about desperately and noticed the hole in the floor, sides smoothed from years of others utilizing the chamber. The stink was almost an entity unto itself; one beating her madly about the head. There were dry leaves and strips of bark in neat piles nearby, she dully realized.
She could faintly hear Maria cackling outside the door. Righteous indignation took over and Holly took a deep breath, forced it out, and threw the door open again. Maria chortled and grinned maniacally.
"Already?"
Holly didn't bother answering. She gripped the pale blue wrap around her friend's shoulders and snatched it off, nearly flinging Maria into wall with the excessive force. Disregarding Maria's shocked spluttering she hurled herself back into the loathsome chamber.
After a few moments, Maria heard the distinct sounds of ripping cloth. She howled laughter at the door.
Author's Notes: Bloo-haha! Next chapter features a good deal more action and panic. They encounter Auberdine as a real, functioning city.