Chapter Twenty

It didn't take Natalie and John long to shower, change, pack up their things and make travel arrangements. Since the public plane to Llanview was leaving at 8, they decided to leave at 6:30, that way John could be part of the team that took Walter in.

Natalie had called the property caretaker and asked him if he wouldn't mind driving them to the airport so that they could leave the car there. He quickly agreed and told her he would be there by 3:30 to give them ample time for customs, security checks and other potential delays. Since it was nearly 3:00, Natalie took the time to busy herself with cleaning up the house as John looked on amused at how she was doing everything in her power to avoid getting close to him.

Finally he couldn't take it anymore. Getting up from the sofa, he walked over and took the sponge from her hands. "Natalie you scrubbed this counter a hundred times. It's clean."

Now close to him, Natalie started to back away but John gently took a hold of her arm. "Why do you keep avoiding me?"

"That's ridiculous; we've spent the past three days together. How could I be avoiding you?"

John inched closer. "That's not what I meant."

Natalie opened her mouth to argue but didn't have a chance to get a word out as John pulled her into a passionate kiss. Once it was broken, he smiled down at her. "Do you have any idea how many times I have wanted to do that this weekend?"

But to his surprise Natalie wasn't smiling, in fact she looked furious. Quickly she pushed him away and stalked to the other side of the room.

"What?" He asked completely confused as to where her anger was coming from.

Natalie whirled around to face him, her eyes flashing. "I'm not some sort of blow up doll John."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that for months you have pushed me away, acted like you couldn't stand the sight of me. Finally we start working on this case and the second I make a move you pull away, acting like the thought of making love to me is appalling. Now suddenly here you are kissing me? I'm not gong down this road again John. I'm not putting up with mixed signals and being pushed away one minute and kissed the next."

John suddenly found himself growing angry. "Your one to talk about mixed signals. The second Cris came back you told us both to stay out of your life, that you were moving on from both of us. But then suddenly you're doing anything possible to work with me on this case."

"I need the hours for the forensic tech program."

"Yeah, well I've got news for you Natalie, there are dozens of other officers you could have worked with. It didn't have to be me."

"I wanted to help you with this case."

"Despite how many times I told you I didn't need any help? Oh, but I guess making myself clear there was another mixed signal."

"Is it so bad that I wanted you to respect me? Wanted you to stop seeing me like some helpless little airhead that always needed to be saved?"

"I never saw you that way, but if that's how you saw yourself then there's no one to blame but you."

"This is what you always do John. Talk one way, but act another. I don't want you Natalie. But then you kiss me. We shouldn't have sex Natalie. Then you play with my hair. I care about you Natalie. But then keep my husband in jail. What the hell am I supposed to think when you suddenly kiss me out of the blue? I've been done this road enough times to be able to predict the outcome."

"I was always honest with you. From the start I told you I wasn't good with words and feelings. But you said that was okay, in fact you told me I didn't need to change for you. Here I thought you actually meant it."

"I did."

"Like hell you did. If you actually meant it you wouldn't be standing here going on about how I say one thing and mean something else. I have always been straight with you."

"No, you've always jerked me around." Natalie laughed bitterly. "I don't even know why I bother. From the second we met it was secrets and lies and that just continued all through our friendship and short lived relationship."

"That's not fair. We talked about Vegas; I explained that because of my job I was obligated…"

Natalie angrily rolled her eyes. "Oh yes, I know all about your fucking obligations. How when Haver was around you were obligated to pull away from me, and when Cris went to jail you were obligated to him. Tell me John was sleeping with Evangeline another one of your obligations?"

"That's not fair and you know it."

Suddenly Natalie exploded. "You're lecturing me on fair? For three years all you ever did was lie and push me away, and of course stupid me always came back for more. You want to know what's not fair John? The fact that you made me an adulterer. For four months you shared my bed knowing that my husband was sitting in Jail. You made me the laughingstock of Llanview. Poor Natalie had no idea her lover was letting her husband rot in jail."

"He was a murderer."

"That's beside the point. What would have happened if we had actually lasted? Had Evangeline not found that file? Would you have married me and turned me into a bigamist and let our children be illegitimate?" Natalie laughed bitterly. "Oh who am I kidding, like that would have ever happened. You actually have to care about someone to marry them."

"How can you even say that? You actually think I never cared about you? Despite three years of friendship? When we were together…"

"Let's face it John, we were never friends."

Her words were like a slap to the face, and John was just about to reply when there was a knock at the door and the caretaker popped his head in. "Ms. Buchanan, I am here to take you back to the airport." But noticing the obvious tension between the two, he took a step backward. "I'm sorry to interrupt; I'll wait in the car."

With one last look at John, Natalie picked up her bag and turned toward the man. "It's okay, we are done here anyway."

The car ride to the airport was spent in silence and the second they board the plane, Natalie grabbed a pillow and blanket and went to the far back of the cabin to sleep. John was grateful for the silence because as much as he hadn't shown it, her words had really hurt him.

But at the same time it was the first time ever that John was able to see what his actions had done to her. Natalie was right, no matter how many times he pushed her away, she always did forgive him. But to suddenly hear all the bottled anger from the past three years, was shocking. And John found himself wondering if they even had a chance anymore.