Chapter Twenty-Eight

The new few days flew by quickly as Bo and John had finally managed to locate Margaret and verify Paige's story. They hadn't officially brought her in as they knew doing so could tip off Spencer who happened to be away in New York at a medical conference. So for now, they were watching her. Spencer was due back the following day, and plans were already in place for both Margaret and Spencer to be brought in simultaneously.

John hadn't seen or heard from Natalie at all since their last encounter at the Carriage house and it was clear she was going to great extremes to avoid him. Their last conversation had been echoing in his mind for days,

"We would have found something, you didn't need to put yourself through that. God Natalie, I was in that room, I heard your screams. I watched you re-live that experience. Why did you put yourself through that?"

"If you don't know the answer to that John, then we have absolutely no chance at all."

He wanted to believe that she was referring to still being in love with him, but John couldn't help but think that was just his wishful thinking, especially as he remembered her comments about her wanting to be seen as his equal.

Despite the fact they were in the middle of the case John realized that they needed to finally put all the cards on the table – and for the first time he would be the one to initiate it.

Pulling out his cell phone, he quickly dialed.

It was just turning 10:00 when Natalie's cell phone rang. Looking up from the book she was studying she groaned, very temped to ignore it. But when she recognized that it was Mac calling, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Oh Natalie, thank god you answered," the older man said, sounding worried. "I have been going over these books for the last hour and I think I did something wrong."

Natalie smiled and leaned back on the sofa. During the time she worked at Rodi's, Mac had always left her in charge of the books due to his tendency to overlook things.

"I'm sure it's nothing, I'll stop by tomorrow afternoon and look for myself."

"No!" Mac exclaimed, "I mean I have an appointment with the accountant first thing and if he sees them like this he could shut the place down. Could you please come by now?"

Sighing, Natalie stood up. "Sure Mac, I am on my way."

After letting herself into Rodi's, Natalie shut and locked the doors. "Mac?" she called out as she entered the main area, but froze when she noticed John standing by the pool table.

"What are you doing here? Where's Mac?" Natalie asked as she looked around the empty bar.

"He's at home."

"What? He called me asked for some help with the books…" Natalie trailed off as she noticed John's guilty expression. "And obviously that was a set up."

"You've been avoiding me for almost a week."

"I haven't been avoiding you John, I've just been busy." The look John shot her told Natalie he wasn't buying it. Finally with a sigh she gave in, "John I don't want to fight with you again."

"Either do I, that's why I brought you here. We need to talk about this."

"John we agreed to wait until after the case is over. Solving your fathers murder is more important then our continuous problems."

"No it's not." John spoke so softly that Natalie had trouble hearing him. When she did she just stared at him in shock. "What?"

"It's not more important. My father has been dead for twenty-three years and whether I find his killer or not, nothing is going to bring him back. You're here now and I want to get things cleared up before I lose you too."

Natalie's jaw dropped. In the three years that she'd known him that was probably the most open John had ever been. After that, she couldn't say no. "Okay, let's do it then." Natalie dropped her purse on a nearby table and shrugged out of her jacket. As she did, John walked around the pool table and took down two cues. He then handed one to a puzzled Natalie.

"I thought you wanted to talk, not play pool."

"I do. You were right when you said that whenever we try and talk about things it ends up in a fight, and we proved that when we were in Grand Cayman. I don't want a repeat of that."

"And pool is the answer?" Natalie asked skeptically.

John nodded. "Remember emotional strip poker?"

She nodded as her face flushed red at the memory.

Natalie: Have you ever played emotional strip poker? It's fun. It is. See, the loser of the hand has to tell the winner something they never told them before. No holding back allowed.

Natalie: Don't mess with the champ, lieutenant.

John: That's a good hand.

Natalie: Mm-hmm.

John: Two pair -- that's a very good hand. But I -- I think that one might be better.

So, by your own rules, you need to tell me something that you've never told me before. How'd you say it? "No holding back."

Natalie: I've never stopped loving you.

John: I didn't realize we were going to be getting that personal.

Natalie: The name of the game. Bare your soul. What, is it too tough for you? Ok, look, I could have not lost any more hands, and then I never would have been able to say it.

John: Why? Do you think I'm going to let you win?

Natalie: Don't worry. You -- you don't have to say anything back. And I'm not -- I'm not going to do anything about it. Look, I know that you and I had our chance, and you were too closed off and I was too needy.

John: You weren't too needy.

Natalie: Ok. Anyway, I -- I still feel the same way I did then, and, ok, now it's out in the open. So what do we do, stop playing? Or are you up for another round?

John: All I'm saying is I better keep winning because I don't like talking about feelings.

"Yeah, I do remember it."

"Well I suggest we play emotional strip pool. Every time the other person makes a shot they get to ask the other person something, or take the opportunity to get something off their chest – uninterrupted."

Natalie cracked a small smile. "Are you sure that's fair? It seems like I have the advantage here."

John shot her a matching grin. "I can be good when I need to be."

"All right," she agreed. "Rack them up."

Natalie took the first shot and sent the balls flying all over the table including two into the pockets. Knowing it was all on her, she looked over at him. "I'm sorry about the things I said in Grand Cayman, I was mad and I didn't mean most of them." She spoke softly.

John nodded. "I'm sorry too."

Relieved that that had been cleared up, Natalie leaned back over the pool table and took another shot. She smiled as she watched the green ball slip into the pocket. Taking a deep breath she turned and faced him. "How can you even look at me?"

John's looked at her in complete shock. "What do you mean?"

"I watched your father die John, I was right there – I was what lured him to that alley in the first place. How can you even look at me knowing the role I played?" she said softly, as she busied herself with chalking her pool cue to avoid having to look at him.

"You were five years old Natalie."

She just remained silent.

John sighed. "Natalie you had nothing to do with my father's death – that was all Spencer and Walter, you were just an innocent child caught in the crossfire. You can't blame yourself for that."

"But won't I just be this reminder whenever you see me?"

"Yes, you will always be a reminder, but not in the way you think. Natalie, whenever I see you I am reminded of what you put yourself through so I could get answers… how if it wasn't for you I would probably never have known what really happened that night. Of how strong and amazing you are, and of how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life. That's what I am reminded of when I look at you."

Touched by John's words, Natalie managed a small smile. "Okay…" she replied softly, not really sure of what else to say. Wanting to change the subject, Natalie leaned back over the table and took another shot. Once again she sunk a ball. She took a second to think about what to ask when finally it came to her – something that had bothered her for sometime. "Why did you kiss Kathryn at the train station? I mean it seemed like things were finally looking up for us, that we had a chance and you kiss her."

John was completely stunned. Whatever he had been expecting this hadn't been it. Not only had that happened years ago, but he had no idea that Natalie had even witnessed it. He raked a hand through his hair. "You saw that?"

Natalie nodded keeping her eyes down. "I didn't want to say anything…"

John sighed. "I don't know why I did it. I guess I was still caught between Caitlyn and moving on. Then Kathryn showed up and she was like my last link to Caitlyn. It didn't mean anything, it was just a mistake."

Without saying anything else, Natalie lined up another shot and once again sunk a ball. "Were you in love with Evangeline?"

Realizing that Natalie was wasn't beating around the bush, John sighed. "No. It was just about sex."

Again Natalie nodded and took the next shot. When another ball found its way into a pocket, John wondered if he had made a mistake in suggesting this. There was something he needed to say and if Natalie kept this up he may not get the chance. A hint of anger coming into her eyes, she turned and faced John with a serious look. "Why didn't you tell me about Cris? Ws it really because of a stupid promise?"

This was the question he had been dreading, but he was the one that had said complete honesty. "Part of it was because of the promise."

"And the other part?" Natalie pressed.

John sighed. "Right after I found out about Cris I had a dream about you." Natalie remained silent and John knew he had to continue. "I saw you at the diner, talking to Carlotta, about how hopeful you were that Cris's newest appeal would go through. Then I saw a different you. This time you were in the diner with two kids talking to Carlotta about how he would have been happy for you."

"I had children?"

"A boy and girl."

"And because of this dream you decided not to tell me?"

John nodded. "I wanted you to have a chance at happiness, and I wanted you to be able to move on. I didn't want you sitting around and wasting your life hoping someday he would get out."

"But it wasn't your decision to make John." Natalie snapped.

"I know that now."

Natalie sighed. After being silent for a few minutes she finally spoke. "The problem with you John is that you're always trying to protect me. And yeah I know that I have given you enough reasons too in the past, but this time was different. This wasn't a serial killer after me, this wasn't me making a bad decision, this was my husband. The man I vowed to be with during the good times and bad."

"I made a mistake."

"Yeah you did." Seeing the way John's face seemed to fall Natalie continued. "And it took awhile but I've forgiven you for it."

"You have?" John was genuinely surprised.

She nodded. "I know you were trying to protect me and went about it in bad way - but I know it wasn't to hurt me." Figuring that had finally been cleared up Natalie once again took a shot, and sunk yet another ball. "Before Statesville, when I told you that it wouldn't matter if Cris came back that I had already made my decision, did you believe me?"

"Why do I feel like I made a mistake in suggesting this?" John muttered. "No I didn't," he answered honestly.

"Why not?"

"Because he was your husband, the man it took you years to get over. I didn't think I could compete with that."

"Even though I always made it perfectly clear that you were the man I was in love with?"

John nodded.

Frustrated by John's past assumptions and actions, Natalie took a shot and this time missed. Swearing under her breath, she backed away from the table and let John move. Knowing this was probably the most important shot he'd ever make, he spent a few seconds focusing on the table before he went.

The ball slid right into the corner pocket.

Knowing it was now or never, John took a deep breath and looked up at Natalie. Then he opened his mouth and spoke what was probably the most important words he ever would ever speak again.

"I've always loved you."