Wow, how drunk was I?

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Chapter One: In the Beginning there was the Scheme
By Kaori

Some person with a lot of time on his hands said, "everyone has something ancestral even if it is nothing more than a disease." For most families, it is some trinket that belonged to a particularly illustrious ancestor. In the case of shinobi families, this item is usually a weapon, article of clothing, or jewellery of some sort; occasionally it's a bust or painting. In the case of old shinobi families, said item often carries a hidden power; incidentally fifty percent of the time it is an incredibly ugly thing and even if it isn't it is very likely cursed.

Given that last bit of information one has to ask: why? Why would anybody be crazy and/or stupid enough to keep something like that in his possession? And then you realize that you just indirectly answered your own question.

Human beings are, for all intents and purposes, stupid creatures (and only a few are genuinely crazy). Even a packrat will get rid of an item if it causes pain or misfortune to itself. A human will keep an item for centuries simply because it has been passed down from generation to generation and no one has, as yet, had the guts to dispose of it; or maybe it has some great monetary value and the greed tends to make one overlook the fact that one wrong move and some unspeakable horror will be visited upon them. If you don't believe me, watch any episode of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Whatever the reason, such things tend to attract…unsavoury types who are only interested in the power or value of the item and tend to overlook (or not care) that the same could summon the wrath of the netherworld. It's those kind of people that our story begins with…

"Sasori, stop playing with yourself, yeah. The Boss wants to see us, yeah." Deidra said from the doorway. The puppet master, who had been tinkering with new parts for his body glared at him.

"That joke's getting really old, Deidra."

"I think it's classic, yeah."

The Akatsuki headquarters is located in a cave somewhere in River Country. Caves have a certain natural feeling of foreboding and apparently the leader of the Akatsuki (whom we shall call Ted) has a thing for dark, damp, spooky places or just an acute aversion to sunlight.

"Sasori, Deidra I am sending you on a most important assignment." Said Ted. "You are to go to Otogakure."

"You want us to get the ring back from Orochimaru, yeah?" asked Deidra.

"No, and don't interrupt me."

"Sorry, Ted-sama yeah."

"Hn. As I was saying, you are to go to Otogakure. Orochimaru has in his possession the legendary Obake Box and I want you to take it from him."

"Ted-sama," Sasori ventured. "What is the Obake Box?"

"It's an artefact capable of summoning demons." Ted explained. "It was rumoured that it was used to bring the bijuu here. It might be useful in helping us to obtain the bijuu from their jinchuriki."

"I see."

After returning to their rooms for supplies, the two set off from Kawa no Kuni to Otogakure.

"Did you remember to water Zetsu?" Sasori asked offhand.

"Tobi can do that, yeah. He is Zetsu's little toy after all, yeah." Muttered Deidra.

"Are you sure he's not keeping Tobi as an emergency food supply? He does have that bad habit of eating people after all."

"At least he stopped eating the live ones, yeah." Shrugged Deidra. "People make the most horrible noises when they're being eaten alive, yeah." Silence for a while and then, "Why would Ted-sama want the Obake Box?"

"Who knows, but getting into Oto is going to be a pain. I don't get why Ted-sama sent us for this. Orochimaru hates me, and he's leery of anybody that even smells like they could be Akatsuki members. So we can't just blow the place up like we would do normally."

"Why didn't he ask Itachi and Kisame? They're better suited for sneaking around, yeah."

"They're too busy chasing the Kyuubi all over creation."

Before we continue I should point out that Itachi and Kisame were not, in fact, chasing the Kyuubi all over creation, but a small wild pig in the forest.

"Our dinner is getting away, Kisame."

"Shut up!"

Scratch that, Kisame is chasing the pig and Itachi is sitting in a tree looking amused.

Yeah…ummm…you know what, just forget I brought that up.

Anyway, two weeks later, Orochimaru was engrossed in his weekly narcissistic ritual of going over ever strand of his hair to make sure that he didn't have split ends. Kabuto, knowing that his master would do absolutely nothing important until he was finished, decided to annoy the Sound Four. Maybe if he did it long enough, Tayuya will spout an insult interesting enough to use in battle.

Outside of Otogakure, two figures pushing a turnip cart were seen making their way towards the village walls. Twelve hours later, the same turnip cart exploded outside of Orochimaru's lair and the two turnip vendors were nowhere to be found. Orochimaru, having just finished clipping the last of his split ends, was noticeably upset. Not about the box being stolen (it was a family heirloom that he kept forgetting to pawn), and not the fact that someone had managed to break into his secret base. No, he was upset that now there was a gaping hole in his personal bathroom and dirty footprints all over his study.

"This will not do." He seethed. He spotted a couple of chuunin gawking at the damage. "You two, fix this mess immediately." He then went in search of Kabuto. Useless item or not, nobody steals from him and gets away with it.

"That was too easy, yeah." Deidra said, as he and Sasori hauled ass back to Akatsuki HQ.

"Way too easy, but then again Orochimaru takes in whatever trash he can find. Every once in a while he finds something useful but it's not enough to keep the likes of us out."

"It also helps that the guards like turnips yeah."

Ted was pleased. His subordinates had completed their mission most handily and now, the famed Obake box was in his possession. However, one question still remained: now that he had it, what was he going to do with it?

What indeed? We're deviating from our usual jaunt through the rabbit hole of depravity by starting this story off with the Akatsuki and giving each chapter a title.

To the nitpickers and critics: Go away. I know when I screw up; you are not dealing with a Narutard or a dub monkey. This is what happens when you don't have a beta reader. And no I'm not going to correct it. None of you read the chapter the second time it's posted anyway. Be grateful I at least attempt to do spell and grammar checks and get on with your lives. If you can't enjoy it for what it is then just don't read.

To Clark Cradic: Congratulations, you were right. You are now officially a member of The Depraved Masses. Here's your ID card, The Young and the Shurikenless DVD, and Ninja Humiliation Kit.

To Peter Kim: I wasn't going to have the Akatsuki in this story at all, but then I reconsidered. However, I am not putting Yamato, Sai, and Danzo in here because: 1) I don't have nearly enough background information on Sai and Danzo to work with except that Sai is obsessed with penises and Danzo hates Tsunade. 2) The Shinobi's Guide series takes place between the time Sasuke is released from the hospital and assumes that the Sound Four weren't able to convince Sasuke to leave for some reason which would exclude those three from the timeline for the moment.

As for Orochimaru and Itachi attempting to murder Naruto because of the play… I thought about it, and could only come up with one chapter for that. It may become a side-story. Speaking of side stories…

WARNING SHAMELESS PLUGGING!

Be on the lookout for Cliff Notes for Ninjas. All the depravity that I wanted to make into guides but couldn't write any more than two chapters for. Holy plot bunnies Batman!