And now, a public service announcement from Hyuuga Hiashi…

IMBECILES! SPEAK NOT OF THE ACCURSED POSSESSED BRA!

This has been a public service announcement from Hyuuga Hiashi. And now on to our regularly scheduled fanfiction.

A/N: 8-bit Theatre reference.

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Chapter Two: Obake Baka Bakayaro
By Kaori

Ted, the powerful Lord of the Akatsuki (and the true Lord of the Dance…), was baffled. He'd been trying all morning to summon a demon from the Obake Box and has had absolutely no success. He tried magic words. He tried chanting, he tried hanging cheese over the box trying to tempt the demons to come out. He even tried saying "pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top" but nothing worked. So he did the only other thing he could think of: order his underlings to summon a demon or be killed. Which, depending on what ends up being summoned, could result in the same thing.

"So…what are we supposed to do with this thing?" Kisame yawned.

"Apparently, summon demons." Sasori said, annoyed. He had been looking forward to watching Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys and now he was going to miss it. Again.

"What about a human sacrifice yeah?" Deidra suggested.

"And just who are we going to get for that provided that it will even work?" Itachi said mildly, raising an eyebrow for effect. Deidra, Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi looked at Tobi.

"Please no. Tobi is a good boy! Right Zetsu?" Tobi looked pitifully at his only friend in the Akatsuki.

"We are not going to sacrifice Tobi." Zetsu said. "Who is going to get my Miracle Gro if he's not around?"

"We'll find you another underling, Zetsu." Kisame patted the cannibal where he thought his shoulder was. Tobi looked horrified.

Ten minutes later…

"Tobi stop crying." Said Itachi, as he wrote several lines of kanji on the poor half-naked boy. "You're going to wash the blood off of your face."

"Where'd you get the blood from on such short notice anyway?" Sasori asked.

"…"

Somewhere further down in the cave…

"Oh my God! Speak to me Nanase!"

"I…Itachi…you bastard… Avenge me, Hikaru…"

"Are you crazy I don't want to die yet."

Back to the ritual sacrifice…

"What are you writing anyway?" Sasori tried to look over Itachi's shoulder but reconsidered and got under the younger nin's elbow. " 'Today's special – one good boy. First come, first served. Get it while it's still warm...' You are a very disturbed young man."

"You're one to talk." Itachi said quietly, frowning in concentration. "Stop squirming, Tobi." Tobi started crying again.

"Do we really have to sacrifice Tobi?" Zetsu asked.

"Well…no but he's convenient and we don't have to go through the trouble of chasing down a random underling." Said Kisame.

"This is wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong!" wailed Tobi. Fortunately for him, Ted-sama walked in.

"What's going on in here?" demanded Ted-sama. "I didn't authorize any human sacrifices." Deidra explained the situation to him. "Imbeciles, you're doing it all wrong. Everyone knows it doesn't work unless the sacrifice is a naked, virgin girl. And besides that you misspelled cholesterol."

"So we should go out and get a virgin then?" Kisame asked.

"No!" Ted-sama, getting really annoyed with the level of inanity in the room picked up the Obake Box and threw it at the nearest person.

"Ouch, yeah!" Deidra complained. "Hey, there's something written on the bottom of the box."

"Let me see that." Said Zetsu, taking the object. " 'For a good time call 557-8240.'"

"Not that." Said Deidra, taking the box back and pointing to the writing underneath. "This."

"Oh, 'Instructions for Proper Operation of Obake Box'."

"Well, that's handy." Blinked Itachi.

"Glad that's settled. Get to it." Ordered Ted-sama. "I'm going to go prank call Orochimaru." Nobody batted an eye at that. Prank calling Orochimaru was one of the things they did to pass the time between capturing jinchurikis.

"Okay, Step One:" Sasori read out loud as he was now in possession of the box. "Knock on the lid of the box four times." He did it. "Step Two: Light four incense sticks and arrange them in the corners of the room." Tobi ran off to get some incense, the ritual continued when he returned. "Step Three: Place box in the centre of the room and open it. Stand back."

Had Sasori bothered to look before setting the box down, he would have seen that there was a fourth instruction: Warning – Do not under any circumstances perform this ritual if you are male.

Remember kids, always read the instructions thoroughly before attempting to harness the power of the underworld.

There was a horrible explosion, followed by a howling wind and the room practically freezing over, lastly, there were six loud pops and one very loud "WHAT THE HELL!"

The person who designed the Obake Box was a woman who hated men with a vengeance. If a female used the Obake Box she could summon demons and inflict her feminine wrath on the world. However, if a man tried to use the box they wouldn't summon a demon, they'd take on the appearance of one, which would lead to more trouble than it was worth since you only looked like a demon.

"Sasori! Why are you still normal!" yelled a very upset Deidra who was turned into a tengu. Sasori shrugged.

"Maybe it only works on human bodies."

"This is most unsatisfactory." Said Zetsu, who now looked like a cross between a Venus flytrap (think Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors) and an irate cucumber.

"I agree." Itachi, the kamaitachi (not the technique. The technique was named after the obakemono) looked about as angry as a weasel can be. Tobi had been turned into a hitotsumekozou and Kisame in the form of an amefurikozou. Just then, Ted came back looking very pleased with himself. Orochimaru had fallen for the "is your refrigerator running" ploy again.

"Sasori, I see you were successful." Said Ted-sama.

"Huh?" Sasori said, confusedly before suddenly seeing the opportunity not to be dead. "Oh…yes."

"But where are the others?"

"Err…they're out getting…virgins. Yes, that's right. Apparently in order to summon more powerful demons you need to sacrifice virgins."

"I see. Very good. Keep me informed, I'm going for milk and cookies." He left and Sasori looked as relieved as a puppet can. Kisame smacked him upside the head.

"What did you tell him that for?"

"I didn't hear you coming up with any brilliant ideas!" shot back Sasori. Itachi, ever the voice of reason (and sometimes controlled lunacy) suggested that instead of arguing they should concentrate on finding a way to reverse the curse. After all, Ted-sama might get it into his head to use them for his plan instead of the bijuu. They needed to fix this, quickly. So they called up the only person who might know how…

"Why do I have to do it?" Itachi mumbled.

"It was your idea, besides he's scared of you, yeah." Said Deidra. The Uchiha gave an annoyed grunt.

"Hello? Orochimaru? This is Uchiha Itachi…No my brother isn't with me….That's nice, really, but listen, you wouldn't happen to know how to reverse the effects of the Obake Box would you?" a pause. "No that was Sasori and Deidra….Sasori didn't turn into anything, apparently puppets are immune…" There was a long pause and then Itachi turned to the two artists. "Orochimaru says he's going to kill you both." He hung up the phone.

"Well? What about the cure?" Kisame asked impatiently.

"Ah yes…about that…" Itachi scratched the back of his head (which is both cute and disturbing at the same time). "Tobi, come here a moment." Tobi, because he is a good boy, did as he was told. "Now don't move. INNA NERTS NO JUTSU!" Tobi looked confused and then fell over howling in pain when Itachi kicked him in the…well you know. On the upside, he didn't look like a hitotsumekozou anymore.

"Is that really the cure?" Kisame looked horrified.

"Apparently so." Said Itachi. "I didn't expect Orochimaru not to lie to us…" Suddenly Tobi changed back. "Oh, I see. It's only a temporary fix."

"Why do you hate me?" squeaked Tobi, still on the floor in pain.

"Give me the phone." Grunted Kisame and he called back the snake sennin. "Orochimaru… Yeah. Tobi, why?" he frowned. "Stop laughing it's not that funny." To himself he thought "it probably will be later though." "Will you just tell us what the real cure is!" Kisame looked very angry. "What do you mean 'no'? Listen you old fart…hello? Hello? Damn it he hung up on me!"

"Now what do we do?" griped Zetsu.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Sasori was completely relaxed. "You guys have the problem."

"We could try the Obake Box again." Tobi suggested weakly. Kisame kicked him in the shin.

"You want something worse to happen?"

Itachi, being the awesome genius that he is, had been casually flipping through the pages of The Grimoire of Curses: Ineffectual and Otherwise while Kisame had been on the phone. "It says here," he said calmly. "that the most effective way to get rid of a curse is to acquire another one."

"And just how are we to go about doing that, yeah?" Deidre muttered. "Cursed objects aren't really all that common, yeah."

"I know of one…"

Good heavens, what could Itachi be thinking of? Besides, if they get another curse, won't it have to be worse than the curse they already have? And why did I torture Tobi like that? Keep reading because this crazy train is just starting to pick up speed.

Author's Ending Notes: I knew I should have just gone ahead and started with the Accursed Possessed Bra (narrowly avoids being jyuukened by Hyuuga Hiashi)! Don't worry, it's coming. I'm not sure when or how but it's coming…

By the way, do you guys realize how perverted you sound asking "where is the bra?"