Ah, Spring! Where's my Tom Lehrer CD, it's the perfect time to play "Poisoning Pigeons in thePark"!

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Chapter Three: Witch's Wares
By Kaori

One of the downsides of being in the Akatsuki is that you frequently find yourself in sticky situations; although, in this case, it was more literal…

"Dammit Itachi are you sure you know where we're going?" growled Sasori. "I'm getting sap in my joints and it's going to take a week to clear all of it out!"

"Kitcherbitchin!" Kisame demanded. "I'm sticky too, but you don't hear me whining like a sissy."

Itachi was leading his cohorts up the inside of a massive tree which, for seemingly no reason, was never in the same place for more than a week at a time. How the Uchiha knew how to find it was yet to be revealed and no one dared to ask. Especially when he kept glaring at them. Truth be told, Itachi didn't want to be here but it was either this or the Accursed Possessed Bra in the Hyuuga Compound.

Somewhere in Konoha, Hyuuga Hiashi looked around suspiciously. "Who dares speak of the Accursed Possessed Bra?" he whispered. "It's you isn't it!" he screeched, rounding on a Main House member who had the misfortune to be caught talking to himself (we all know the entire Hyuuga household has issues, the Hokage needs to stop ignoring it and get these folks some counselling).

Itachi shivered. "Last resort only." He muttered.

"What did you say, Itachi?" Zetsu asked.

"We're almost there."

The group stood in front of an oversized door made out of oak (which seemed kind of silly since the tree they were currently inside was a giant ash tree) with the words "Kurodate Dakki – Evil Witch and Apothecary" carved into it in ornate letters. Itachi turned to his cohorts and looked at them gravely.

"No matter what, don't eat the lemon meringue pie." He warned. The others looked confused but nodded. Satisfied, Itachi knocked on the door. Before he could properly withdraw his hand, the door swung open and a gnarled hand with long nails grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him inside.

"The rest of you may as well come in too." A deceptively sweet, but no doubt elderly, voice called out. Hesitantly, the other Akatsuki members walked in.

They had been expecting a dark room with glowing crystals, bubbling beakers full of unidentifiable liquids, jars of preserved body parts from various creatures, and a crow with one eye on a skull perch glaring at everything. They weren't expecting grandma's living room.

It was as pleasant as pleasant can be inside the room. There was a lovely fireplace with an overstuffed armchair in front of it; a ginger cat was sleeping on one of the arms. A few feet away from that cosy little scene, was a table with eight settings. Itachi was already seated (and looking most perturbed) near the head of the table and to his right was an old woman pouring tea.

To say Dakki was short is like saying that Orochimaru is deranged; she was only four feet tall. Her ridiculously long, dark blue hair stopped at her ankles (think Washu) and her eyes were the cloudy colour usually associated with blindness although those present got the feeling she could see better than any Hyuuga could hope to. "Don't just stand there," she said in that deceptively sweet voice and beckoned with a bony finger. "come sit down."

Once they were all seated, Dakki poured them all a cup of tea. "Can I offer you boys something to eat? Cookies? Biscuits? Chocolate Cake? Lemon meringue pie?" her eyes got a dangerous psychotic glint when she mentioned the pie.

"No thank you Dakki-obaachan." Itachi said hurriedly. The others looked at him askance. Was he related to this woman?

"I insist, Itachikins."

"Itachikins?" snickered Kisame. Itachi sighed. That was part of the reason he didn't want to come here.

"And who might you be young man?" Dakki asked, smiling like the sweet, old lady she appeared to be.

"Er…Hoshigaki Kisame…ma'am." Kisame looked disturbed. For some strange reason he really didn't want to be rude to this woman.

"Oh, do call me Dakki-obaachan like Itachikins does. In fact, you all may call me Dakki-obaachan." She took a sip of her tea. "Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"

"Um…some chocolate cake would be nice, Dakki-obaachan." Tobi said, hesitantly.

"All right, I'll bring the cake out and then you can tell me how you all managed to get cursed by the Obake Box." Dakki hopped down from her chair and made her way over to where everyone assumed the kitchen was.

"Itachi, let's get out of here. That woman scares me." Kisame said hurriedly.

"I'm with him, yeah." Deidara agreed.

"You want to continue to looking like that?" Itachi snorted. Kisame's eyes widened.

"Hey, that's right, we still look like demons! Even Ted-sama didn't know it was us so how…"

"She's a witch. Witches don't see the world the same way…" he was about to say "normal people" but then he realized being a mass murderering shinobi wasn't exactly normal. "we do."

"I want to eat her so badly." Rumbled Zetsu. "But when I look at her I feel…guilty…for even thinking about it. Why?"

"What part of 'she's a witch' don't you get?" glared Sasori. "Obviously it's a spell of some sort. What I want to know is what is so bad about the lemon meringue pie? I like lemon meringue pie!"

"Why do you care? It's not like you can eat it anyway." Itachi rolled his eyes. Somehow Sasori looked like he was going to cry.

"That was mean, Itachi."

"Here's the cake!" sing-songed Dakki, as she half walked, half skipped in; looking for all the world like a harmless, sweet, old woman. Everyone in the room knew better but were powerless to do anything about it.

Dakki served them all a piece of cake (even Sasori) and then sat back down. "Now then, Itachikins." She poured herself some more tea. "Explain."

In as much detail as he could manage without things becoming even more embarrassing (the fact that he couldn't stop his nose from twitching didn't help matters), Itachi told Dakki what happened while the old woman sipped her tea and made the occasional humming noise. When the Uchiha was finished explaining Dakki put down her teacup.

"Right then. I think I have what you need." A large book suddenly poofed onto the table in front of Dakki and she casually flipped through the pages as she spoke. "Are you sure you don't want some lemon meringue pie?" again the strange glint in her eyes.

"No thank you, Dakki-obaachan."

"If I do this for you, what's in it for me?" the temperature in the room dropped several degrees. Itachi didn't seem to notice or care as he gave a long-suffering sigh.

" I'll…give you some of my blood when I'm back to normal." The others almost spat out their cake in shock.

"You've got yourself a deal, Itachikins!" Dakki hastily flipped through her book and pointed to a page. "Will this do?" Itachi leaned in for a closer look.

Dakki was pointing to a picture of a man with his hand on a golden ball.

"What is that?" Itachi asked.

"That is the essence of Midas' Touch." Explained the old witch. "After touching that, anything and everything you touch is turned to gold."

"How is that a curse, Dakki-obaachan?" Tobi asked.

"Are you kidding? When I said anything and everything I meant anything and everything." She leered. The males in the room pales slightly. "This ought to get rid of your present curse as this one is far more potent than a mere change of apperance."

"And, how would we remove this curse?"

"Ah, that information will cost you extra."

"Will some of Kisame's teeth do?" asked Itachi.

"Itachi!" protested Kisame. Before he could do more, Dakki was standing in his lap and inspecting his mouth.

"Hmm…oh yes, these will do very nicely." Chuckled Dakki and then deftly hopped onto the table.

"Then we have a deal?" deadpanned Itachi.S

"Yes, we have a deal." She went over to a cabinet and pulled out a gold, basketball-sized globe. After setting it on the table she said, "just place your hand on it and say 'trust the Midas touch.' The ball will do the rest."

Feeling silly, but not about to question the witch, the Akatsuki members did as they were told. A brilliant flash of gold and the cursed ones got their bodies back. Deidara, wanting proof of his new status, tapped Sasori on the shoulder with his cursed hand. Sasor's entire left arm turned to gold.

"Noo! It's ruined now!" cried Sasori.

"Well, we know it works."Dakki said cheerfully. "Time to pay up gentlemen…" she pulled out a large needle and a pair of pliars from seemingly nowhere.

Several minutes later, Dakki had about a pint of Itachi's blood, six of Kisame's teeth and a shit-eating grin on her face. Itachi looked a little pale but still as impassive as ever while Kisame looked like he wanted to throttle Itachi.

"You're lucky these grow back quickly." Growled Kisame. Itachi didn't dignify that with an answer. "Hey, Dakki-obaachan, how do we get rid of this new curse?"

"You have to bathe in the filthiest river in all the elemental countries." Dakki said gravely. "Incidentally it's near Iwagakure."

"Not the Pig's River, yeah." Maoned Deidara.

"Of course you'd know it D-chan, you used to be a stone-nin, weren't you deary." It was a statement not a question. Deidara flinched slightly. "I'm a witch, dear it only makes sense that I know things like that."

"Did you know we were coming?" Zetsu asked.

"What do you think?" And just like that, everything vanished before their eyes leaving five confused Akatsuki members and Tobi, Akatsuki in waiting.

"So…now what do we do?" blinked Tobi.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kisame said. "We go home, turn everything in our rooms into gold, pawn the stuff, get rich, and then go jump in the lake or whatever it is."

"By the way, Itachi, what did that crazy witch want with your blood and Kisame's teeth?" Sasori asked. Itachi regarded him askance.

"…"

Inside the tree…

"Aaahahahahaaaaa! Soon, my greatest creation will be complete! Itachi's blood will be the catalyst for my super youthful beauty serum and the shark man's teeth are perfect for my new necklace with earrings to match! Once I get Orochimaru's hair for my wig, nothing will stop me from winning the Miss Witchcraft Pageant! Aaahahahahaaaaa!"

Wow, and they say I'm cracked. Next chapter we're leaving the Akatsuki for a little while to take a jaunt over to Sunagakure where Kankuro has just received a package…