You do realize that in the future, old people will listen to rap music. How scary is that?

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Chapter Five: Me and My Shadow
By Kaori

The Lamp of Second Self, an item with the ability to turn the shadow of the user into a doppelganger. A unique item created by someone really pathetic, with no friends and far too much time on his hands, that really had no idea what he was messing with. Eventually the item disappeared hopefully never to be seen again. Ha, if only things were that simple…

"I hate this stupid lamp!" Kisame raged, kicking the offending object into a corner where it broke into pieces. "It's never bright enough, it burns oil way to fast, and it's ugly to boot!"

"Kisame, that was mine, yeah!" cried Deidara as he ran over to try and salvage the lamp. "It's completely ruined, yeah."

"What's the big deal, it's just a lamp."

"In that case, you can go out and get us a new one." Itachi said, coolly.

"What!"

"Well, you did break this one. It's only right you replace it." Sasori nodded.

"Itachi and Sasori are correct." Zetsu agreed.

"What is this, Gang Up on Kisame Day?" twitched Kisame.

"You only have yourself to blame." Shrugged Tobi. Kisame's eyes glinted dangerously.

"What was that you little…"

"Get going, Kisame." Itachi's emotionless tone cut through Kisame's heated glare like a cold knife.

"Er…right."

Walking through the nearby town, Kisame muttered curses under his breath. They all hated that lamp (well, except for Deidara who thought it was an artistic testament to the ultimate futility of relying on light or some crap like that) so why was he being punished for finally doing something about it? Some people have no sense of gratitude whatsoever. At any rate, he wasn't about to give the others any more reason to yell at him. He'd bring back a lamp alright and it would be a hundred times better than that red piece of foolishness (1) they'd been putting up with.

After wandering around for at least an hour, Kisame finally found a shop that sold oil lamps and walked in on a rather interesting scene.

A rather large, middle-aged woman was arguing heatedly with her small, frail-looking husband. On the counter between them were several oil lamps of various sizes and shapes. The one that caught the former mist-nin's attention was painted a dark grey with a smoke motif.

"…and nobody in their right mind will buy the damn thing, especially once you tell them what it is!" screamed the woman

"B…but Ayaka, dearest, we don't have to tell them about…" stuttered her husband, which immediately earned him a vicious backhand upside the head.

"KENTARO YOU FOOL! They'll just bring it back once they start having problems!" She continued to hit and scream abuse at him.

Kisame, amused by the situation, watched them yell at each other for a while before realizing that neither of them was paying attention to him. Seeing an opportunity for a five-finger discount, he picked up the lamp he had been looking at earlier and left.

"Furthermore," Ayaka continued to berate her husband. "that lamp is… Eh? It's gone!" She was about to yell "thief" but suddenly came to a realization. "Humph. It's not our problem if someone is stupid enough to steal it."

Kisame set the lamp down in the spot the old lamp occupied and lit it. The wick burned brightly, illuminating the corner where he was standing with a nice, cheery glow.

"Much better." Nodded Kisame.

"I agree." Someone said.

Positive that he had been alone in the room, Kisame whirled around to face…

"Holy shit!"

…himself.

"Who are you?" the shark-faced man glared at his double.

"Hoshigaki Kisame." Snarled back the duplicate. "Who are you?"

"You can't be Hoshigaki Kisame, I'm Hoshigaki Kisame!"

"Kisame?" Sasori's voice called from the next room. "Did you get the lamp?"

"Yes!" barked both Kisames, before glaring at each other.

"Look," Kisame number two said. "arguing isn't getting us anywhere."

"My thoughts exactly." Kisame agreed. "So why don't you cut the bullshit and show me who you really are."

"I already did."

"But you can't be me, I'm the real me!"

"Don't delude yourself. You're the impostor here." Kisame number two said, looking very agitated.

"Liar! You're the impostor!" Kisame, having enough of these games punched his double into the wall.

"The hell…" the double got up and returned the favour, then started raining blows on the former mist-nin. "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself…"

"Bastard!" Kisame threw the clone off of him and into the lamp, knocking it onto the floor, extinguishing it. Fortunately, it didn't break. He looked around for Kisame number two but didn't see him anywhere. "Where did he go?"

Kisame didn't tell anyone else about his encounter as he didn't know how to explain it without sounding insane ("and then the me who wasn't me because I'm me started punching me…" Yeah, that'll go over well).

The following evening, after a rousing game of pin the kunai on Tobi (Itachi won because he cheats), Deidara decided he was going to sit in the common room and read. He lit the new lamp and then went over to the shelf to get the book. However, when he went to sit in his favourite chair he found it was already occupied.

"That's not funny Itachi." Frowned Deidara. "Drop that henge, yeah."

"Odd, I was about to say the same to you, yeah." Said the imposter.

"Itachi…"

"What is it Deidara?" said Uchiha poked his head into the door and blinked. "I must have used the sharingan too many times today…" He muttered, and left the other Akatsuki member alone with his clone.

The two glared at each other until the oil burned out of the lamp and the doppelganger faded away. Childishly, Deidara proclaimed himself the winner and then abruptly passed out from lack of sleep.

Believing it was just some sort of weird dream, Deidara didn't mention the little staring contest he had with himself.

The next person to light the lamp was Itachi and he ended up on the business end of his own Tsukiyomi for the first time. It was a most embarrassing experience and when Sasori found him passed out and twitching on the floor Itachi refused to explain once he'd regained his senses.

However, the night after that when two Tobis brought Zetsu his Miracle Gro (2) and started squabbling over who was really the good boy, they figured something weird was going on. Itachi and Kisame were sent to the lamp dealer's place to get answers.

"No refunds!" yelled Ayaka the second the duo walked through the door.

"I stole this lamp, I wouldn't have gotten one anyway." Countered Kisame.

"Even worse, you're trying to sell me stolen property!"

"Lady I stole this from you!"

"Worse still! You're returning to the scene of the crime!" she glared at them. "I'll have the police on you!"

"You will do no such thing." Said Itachi, calmly staring the woman in the eyes. He cocked his head to the side. "You will tell us what is wrong with this lamp and why you seem so worried about us leaving it here." Ayaka gave an exasperated sigh and told the whole sordid story.

The lamp had been in her husband's family for as long as anyone could remember and not for lack of trying to get rid of it. To put it bluntly the damned thing was cursed. Its creator was a very pitiable man named Hojo who had created it in an attempt to cure his loneliness by turning his shadow into a real companion. It worked but there was a problem; the shadow constantly insisted that it was the original and couldn't be convinced otherwise.

Saddened that it didn't work, and convinced that it was doubly flawed because his shadow was so annoying (it didn't cross his mind that the double was only as annoying as the original), he put the lamp away.

Sometime later, he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the village (who just happens to be her husband's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother) but was too shy to do anything about it except leave flowers on her windowsill. You can imagine how angry he was when the announcement came that she was going to marry someone else.

The entire village had been invited to the wedding, and naturally our smitten friend was there and he had a gift… the lamp. He was never seen again after the wedding but you can be sure he was never forgotten. Anybody who lit that lamp had to deal with an exact copy of himself. The first time, it would merely get into some sort of fight with you but would disappear once the lamp was put out. However, the second time the lamp was lit, the clone would attempt to kill whoever lit the lamp and would not disappear until one of them was dead.

"And the only way to get rid of the lamp permanently is to have someone steal it from you. If we try to sell it, whomever we sold it to would bring it back. We tried throwing it away, but somebody would always bring it back to us. And it won't break either. You have no idea how many hammers I've ruined trying to smash it." Ayaka scowled. "Knowing what that is I won't take it from you. You'll have to content yourselves with not lighting the accursed thing."

"Have you ever tried giving it to someone as a gift?" Itachi asked.

"Well…no." Ayaka was a bit confused by the question. "It's against our family tradition to give away things for free."

"I see… Thank you." Itachi turned to his partner. "I have a solution to our problem."

They got back just in time to stop Deidara from lighting the lamp and explained the situation to everyone else. Itachi then reveiled his idea for getting rid of the thing…

Sasuke was enjoying his fangirl free moment of meditation when a knock at the door interrupted him from his mantra ("Itachi must die. Itachi must die." Ad infinitum). Wondering who would be bothering him at this hour and dreading the answer, he got up to see who was there. Much to his relief, it was only a Courier Ninja.

"Mail for you." The courier said in a clipped tone, and handed him a package neatly wrapped in brown paper and string. There was a note on it that read, "From: a fan (3)."

"Thank you." He said, paying the man and going back inside. "This had better not be another one of Orochimaru's sick gifts…" he shuddered, remembering the kimono with "Orochimaru's Body" embroidered on the back.

Unwrapping the package, he reached in and pulled out the contents. Paper to keep what was inside from rattling around, and…

"Hn. A lamp." He turned it this way and that, inspecting the craftsmanship. "I did need to replace the one in my room…"

Bum…bum…buuuuumm! Heheheh poor Sasuke…Here's a challenge to the depraved masses out there: Write what happens to Sasuke. As for me… it's time for us to finally find out what the big deal is about the Accursed Possessed Bra!

1 Red piece of foolishness is actually a reference to a funny rant my cousin does about a car an acquaintance tried to sell him. It's also fun to say out loud. Come on, say it with me now…red piece of foolishness!

2 Someone asked me about the Miracle Gro cracks I've been making about Zetsu. All I can say is my friends and I used to make the same jokes about Piccolo from the Dragonball series and I can't help myself. Plant monsters/aliens/mutants and Miracle Gro just seem to go together like rice and miso soup.

3 If you're thinking this is a play on symbols then you're absolutely right. Unfortunately for Sasuke, he doesn't look underneath the underneath nearly enough.