"And thou shalt run with scissors, and corner thine enemy." –Fiskars 2:14 (headline from Fark)
The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Part Six: The Path to Chaos is Paved with Ignorance
By Kaori
There are no words in any language (except maybe Klingon but they have words for stuff you don't even want to think about) for the level of insanity that was unleashed upon the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, heterosexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, hermaphrodites, transgender people, cats (1), and extraterrestrials of all ages (I didn't leave out anybody did I?), prepare your minds for the acid trip of the century!
Our sordid story begins on week of great joy in the ninja community, one that normally passes with minimal incident. This year, unfortunately, was going to be different. No one was going to forget it...until the Great Amnesia Dust (2) Disaster but that's not for a long time and another story entirely.
It's Golden Week in the shinobi world (not to be confused with Golden Week in Japan. Same concept, different set of holidays) and each day was a different event.
"I can't believe your making me get up early just to play an elaborate game of hide and seek." Mumbled Shikamaru, pulling on his chuunin vest. His mother smacked him upside the head.
"It's not just a game of hide and seek. This will test your ninja skills, you should be thankful for the chance to publicly show your skills to the village."
"How can it be public? The village never finds out the results until the end."
"As opposed to regular missions where they never know in the first place?" glared Shikamaru's mother.
Damn, she's got me there. Bah, it's too troublesome to be right all the time.
In the big scheme of things Mark Day, or Shinobi Open Season as it was jokingly called, did amount to nothing more than a convoluted game of hide and seek. However, if you thought about it from another angle, it was like a mission in a large castle where you had to locate and kill your targets (never mind that in this scenario the corpses breathe and do everything in their power to sabotage you).
There are twenty participants of chuunin and gennin rank that will be sneaking around and hiding in the village. Seven gennin try to capture three shinobi and win the prize. This year it's three thousand ryou and no D-Rank missions for a week. However, of the twenty people hiding, the one who avoids capture for the longest period of time would receive the same prize. If for some reason all the targets were not captured (as was the case one year when Kakashi was one of the targets and was not found until the following afternoon when the Yondaime realized he'd been at home sleeping the entire time) whoever captured two ninjas in the shortest amount of time would win.
Shikamaru, Neji, Naruto, Sasuke, Shino, and Hinata were among the twenty shinobi hiding. Sakura, Ino, Kiba, and Lee were seekers. Chouji and TenTen had opted not to participate and were instead asked to help keep tabs on the seven seekers and time when they had captured their mark.
At this point in time I want to deviate from tonight's program for a few moments to check on the Akatsuki…
"Right foot, green." Said Ted-sama.
"OW! Dammit Kisame take the damn sword off your back!" yelled Sasori who had been smacked upside the head for the fourteenth time that afternoon.
"No." smirked Ksiame.
"Whose elbow is that?" growled Zetsu.
"I don't know, whose ass is this?" blinked Itachi. "Never mind, I'll find out for myself. Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Tobi and in a remarkable show of agility he leapt up from a backwards crab position (think that chick from The Exorcist) and ran towards the bathroom to put himself out.
Aah, Game Night at the Akatsuki (3)…always amusing. Now back to Konoha's Mark Day festivities already in progress.
Sasuke, used to hiding from fangirls, had already thought about where he was going to hide and at what times (they had to change hiding places every fifteen minutes) so he felt that he would win for certain. However, what he didn't count on was bumping into Lee halfway on his way to his third hiding place.
"Yosh! You're the first one I've caught! If I can't capture another person in ten minutes I shall treat Naruto to ramen! And if I am unable to pay for the ramen, I shall wash the dishes! And if I accidentally break any of the dishes…"
Sasuke was mortified. He was captured after only half an hour… and by Lee of all people; not cool. If that's how things were going to be he was going to do his damndest to make sure that Lee did not win this contest. Taking a page from the Civilians Guide to Rudimentary Self-Defence, Sasuke proceeded to make as much noise as possible.
While it took half an hour for Lee to capture Sasuke, it only took two minutes for Kiba to capture Shikamaru who didn't even attempt to hide, but lay on top of the roof of the Academy staring at the clouds where anybody passing by could see him. When asked about it later on he gave his usual answer with the addition that if Kiba hadn't found him Ino would have and that was the last thing he wanted. Being Ino's prisoner was much worse than being her teammate.
Nobody had found Hinata or Neji yet (although some people suspected that they were both hiding in the Hyuuga compound where no one else would dare to enter…or would they?), and a few people had caught one of Naruto's kagebunshin's but nobody had any idea where the blonde was actually hiding (save for Tsunade and Shizune and neither were willing to volunteer that information, but we will).
Naruto was hiding in the Hokage's office, impersonating the Hokage and (surprisingly) doing her paperwork. Tsunade had (in a fit of responsibility) sorted her paperwork into two piles: the Delegate (AKA Make Genma, Raido, and Aoba do it) pile, and the Non-Issue (AKA Die in a Fire) pile. Currently, Naruto was stamping things in the Die in a Fire pile when he came across something interesting, a letter from Hyuuga Hiashi demanding that the Hyuuga's Accursed Possessed Bra be branded an S-Class secret and any mention of it punishable by death. This perked his curiosity.
He remembered hearing about it during the play but hadn't really thought about it until now. Why was there a possessed bra of all things? Furthermore, why would the Hyuuga's of all people have it? What exactly was so horrible about it that Hiashi would go out of his way to make demands of the Hokage? He had to know, for the sake of his own comfort he needed to know. Tomorrow, while everyone was distracted by the events for Kunoichi Appreciation Day, he was going to find out.
"Because online, nobody knows that you're a cat."
Amnesia Dust is from 8-Bit Theatre. Google it, read it, love it.
I dare anybody who is even slightly artistically inclined to draw this. Extra points for pics of the Akatsuki playing Life or Pictionary.
Authors note: Plans are being made for the animation of the Shinobi's Guide series. At this moment I'm looking for artists because I have no confidence in my drawing abilities. If worse comes to worse I'll draw it myself. Once I get the art squared away, then and only then will I look for voice actors.