Some of you may want to kill me at the end of this chapter...

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Part Seven: The Unmentionable
By Kaori

"What are you doing here? Better yet, how did you get in here?"

Neji was surprisingly calm despite finding Naruto rifling through his closet. He didn't stay that way when the blonde turned to him with a creepy expression on his face.

"Where is it?" he hissed like a possessed person.

"W…wha…what are you t…talking about?" Ah, Neji is channelling Hinata.

"Don't play dead goat with me (1). You know what I'm after!"

"No…not that…"

"Yes! Give it to me!"

"Never!"

"Then you leave me no choice!" Naruto's look turned ominous. "Oiroke no Jutsu!" POOF. "Oooooh Neeejii-kuuuuun."

"GAH!" Neji's noise erupted in a crimson fountain of blood and he was propelled into the wall. The next thing he knew, Naruto was sitting on his stomach. "I don't care what you do to me… you'll never get my blankie!"

"What? I came here for the Accursed Possessed Bra!"

"Er…you did?"

"Mmm hmmm." Naruto nodded and then gave him a sly smile. "Blankie huh?"

"If you tell anyone…" Neji started but was cut off by the blonde wagging an admonishing finger at him.

"If I tell anyone it won't matter what you do to me, your reputation as the cool genius will be completely ruined anyway. You'll be the laughing stock of the village."

"You wouldn't…"

"Oh I would, but I may be tempted not to if you do me a little favour…"

And thus, Neji found himself in front of the one door everyone in the Hyuuga family dreads, the one that sends Hiashi into a fit of curse seal activation and paranoid delusions of… well no one's really sure what, but whatever he thinks of seems to make him even more curse seal happy. Oh well, it was this or his reputation… but is his reputation really worth it?

I said it before, and I'll say it again: pride is overrated.

"Thank you Neji, you've been a great help." Naruto gave the older boy another manic grin before kicking the door open and walking in. Neji shivered.

"What have I done?"

The room was dark, dusty, cold, and smelled like old people. Naruto ignored all of this; he had a mission and he was going to complete it, old people smell be damned. Unfortunately he had no idea where to start looking. "Neji! Get in here and help me!" he yelled towards the open door.

"No." Neji's voice filtered back.

"Blankie!"

"Damn it!"

Outside in the village, completely unaware of what was going on in the Hyuuga Household (not that they are privy to that kind of information anyway but still) Kunoichi Appreciation Day was in full swing with the Miss Konoha Kunoichi Pageant.

Any single kunoichi under the age of thirty was eligible (much to the chagrin of Tsunade) and there were fifteen contestants that would compete in tests of skill, grace, talent, and the ever-popular swimsuit competition.

Today's panel of judges consisted of Shiranui Genma, Hatake Kakashi, Umino Iruka, Jiraiya, and Aburame Shino. Why Shino? We may never know.

Competing for the crown (and the twenty-thousand ryou): Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura, TenTen, Yuhi Kurenai, Mitarashi Anko, Uzuki Yugao (2), Inuzuka Hana, and seven other kunoichi.

"Why can't we just skip to the swimsuit competition?" grumbled Jiraiya.

"A better question is how did you end up being a judge?" Genma raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't Gai supposed to do it instead?" Both Jiraiya and Kakashi made it a point not to look at anything but the stage. "You guys…"

Naruto stood awestruck at the sight before him while Neji was content to hide behind a box full of old clothes.

"This is…" the blonde reached for the object.

"Don't touch it!" shrieked Neji. You have no idea what will happen if you touch it!"

"I only want to take a closer look, Neji."

"Don't do it Naruto. That thing was locked away for a reason."

"Blankie!"

"Gah! Fine, do what you want!"

"I thought so." Smirked Naruto, slowly picking up the frilly white object. Instantly, the world around them was bathed in white and the last thing he remembered hearing was Neji screaming something about the end of the world as they know it. (3)

Outside, the judges were watching the talent portion of the competition. Unlike the skill segment, the contestants were required to showcase a non-shinobi ability. On the stage was Anko who had just finished reciting a poem out of Icha Icha Paradise Volume Two in hopes of winning over Jiraiya and Kakashi. She knew Iruka and Genma would vote for her because they fear for their lives, the only question was what score she'd get from the stoic Shino.

"Ten points!" raved Jiraiya.

"Ten." Agreed Kakashi.

"Sev…" Iruka started to say when he saw Anko glare at him. "Er… I mean ten points."

"Ten points." Genma said quickly.

"..." Shino stared at Anko for a moment. "Eight." Anko made a mental note to maim Shino the first opportunity she got.

"All right, that's a total of forty-eight points for Anko in the talent portion." Announced Ebisu. "Next up, contestant number eight: Inuzuka Hana who will be demonstrating how to properly give an enema to a dog."

"Not so fast, honey!" a new voice yelled and a curvaceous figure suddenly dropped down onto the stage. "This show is now mine!" The figure stood up slowly, revealing a tall young woman with curves in all the right places and legs that went on forever. Jiraiya's hands were raised in thanksgiving at the sight in front of him. Hugging the mysterious girl's hips was a black leather miniskirt with a matching halter top (that seemed far too small given her ample bosom), thigh high boots, and gloves that went up to her elbows. Long blonde hair was done up in a ponytail, the end of which brushed enticingly just above her butt. Sky blue eyes gazed at the crowd teasingly.

Ebisu, fighting every perverted instinct in his body at the moment, tried to remove the stranger from the stage. "Now….now look, you can't just enter. I mean, we're almost at the end of the competition…"

"Hmmm?" the woman batted her eyes at him, before draping herself over his shoulder; waves of jealousy and hate washed over the audience and judges panel. "I'm sure you can make an…exception for little me." She rubbed against him seductively which was all the poor man could take. He fainted. "Hello everybody, you can call me Ururu-chan (4) and I'm going to sing and dance for you!" Several men in the audience cheered while the women scowled. Who the hell does this bitch think she is?

Nobody knows when the music started, or who was playing it, and the men certainly didn't care. They just prayed it wouldn't be over too quickly.

Back at the Hyuuga mansion, Neji was slowly coming too his senses. "Oh dear sweet kami-sama what have I done?" he murmured, noticing the distinct lack of Naruto; the Accursed Possessed Bra was also nowhere to be seen.

Well, they're screwed now…Okay maybe that's not the best choice of words but it doesn't make it any less true. Hiashi is going to have a conniption, and what is Ururu really? Find out next time!

(1) I love that expression. So much better than "don't play dumb."

(2) You remember? Hayate's girlfriend, the one that swore to avenge him.

(3) If I stopped there the death threats would never end…

(4) Ururupuin is the Micronesian goddess of flirting. I thought I'd shorten it and use it for this character. Behold! Evil, sexy, Mary-Sue character! I've never purposely written a Mary Sue before. Hopefully things won't get too out of hand. But then again, this is a Shinobi's Guide; things are supposed to get out of hand.