No one knows from where he comes
Flying briskly across the sand
He soars without sound through the night
Spreading fear across the land
He flies where no one goes collecting what he can
Destroying foes
And never facing death because he wears a big, damn mask
Which saves his skin from the scorching sun
The Demon of the Desert
A K A
Desert Punk!
Desert Punk!
Desert Punk!
"Ahahahaha! I own this desert bitches!"
If you ever get to watch Desert Punk (Sunabouzu), substitute Kanta for Gaara and laugh your head off. In fact, I think Sunabouzu is going to be my new nickname for Gaara.
The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Part Nine: Because Reality isn't Nearly Screwed Up Enough
By Kaori
Running away wasn't something Neji was used too, but if it meant he wasn't going to be a soulless love-slave to the evil blonde goddess then he would run. Neji was so busy running that he failed to pay attention to a certain angsty avenger coming around the corner.
"Oof!" grunted both boys.
"Watch where you're going!" glared Sasuke, upon realizing who had bumped into him the glare intensified. "For someone who's supposed to be able to see 360 degrees around himself you sure are clumsy."
"Now is not the time for witty banter Uchiha, we've got problems." And Neji proceeded to explain the situation to the petulant Uchiha.
"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and being on the same team as Naruto I've heard some pretty dumb things."
"Say what you like it doesn't make it any less true." Countered Neji. "Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me but we need to work together if we're going to save the village."
"I'm still not convinced the village even needs saving."
"Look, it's Uchiha Sasuke!" a female voice yelled.
"If we capture him Ururu-sama will reward us!" said another.
"Yeah, she might even be willing to share some of her men with us!"
"Okay, I'm convinced, what do we do?" Sasuke said quickly.
"For now, run." Replied Neji.
The Hyuuga household was a warzone. Branch House and Main House members alike were fighting off the intruders: a horde of dominatrix. Hanabi had long-since fallen to their evil and was helping them attack her family. Hinata, was trying very hard not to hurt anybody too badly all the while wondering what had become of Neji and her father was wondering the same thing.
"The Hyuuga will never fall to your evil! Kaiten!" roared the clan head as he knocked away seven of the leather-clad women. "This is no normal evil, this is the doing of the bra… but who would be so foolish? Furthermore, where is Neji…"
"I think we're safe for now." Sighed Neji. He and Sasuke were hiding out behind the counter of Ichiraku Ramen of all places.
"If this is all Naruto's fault why don't you make him help you?" Sasuke asked.
"Because I don't know where he is. He disappeared along with the bra."
"You sure that's not him controlling all these people."
"Well, he has done it before…"
"He has?"
"Er…yeah. Look, never mind about that now, I know that woman wasn't Naruto, the chakra's completely different." Sasuke was about to interject but Neji cut him off. "And there's no trace of that weird chakra Naruto uses either."
"Ooh Neeeeejiiiiii…" a voice cooed, causing both boys to flinch and look up. TenTen was leering at them.
"Dammit!" they said simultaneously and ran off.
Elsewhere, Gai and Lee were surrounded by eight kunoichis and four village women all clad in the alluring skin-tight cat suit that seemed to be their uniform. They were trying to decide whether or not to take them to Ururu or to lock them up with the old and ugly men. So far they were seriously considering the latter.
"Gai-sensei what do we do?" Lee asked, panicked.
"Lee there comes a time in every man's life when he must surrender to the power of the female will." Gai said sagely. As usual, Lee was in awe.
"Gai-sensei…"
"Now is not that time! Konoha Senpuu!"
A truly impressive, but ultimately futile, battle began, too bad no one else was around to see it.
Back to Neji and Sasuke who had managed to shake TenTen off of their trail. Against Sasuke's better judgment (not that he actually has much of that to begin with) he led Neji to the Uchiha quarter and they both hid in the police station.
"So what's the plan for fixing this mess?" he asked, after he and the Hyuuga prodigy finished barricading the door.
"Ururu is the Goddess of Lust and Jealousy," Neji explained. "basically it's like dealing with the Kyuubi only worse. The only way to deal with a god is to call on another one."
"What about the Yondaime's jutsu? It killed Kyuubi it could probably kill Ururu." Reasoned Sasuke.
"You're forgetting Yondaime died after performing it. If you want to die so badly you do it, if you know how that is. Besides, killing off a god might piss of another one and the last thing we need is another god running amok around here."
"So what are we supposed to do?"
"There's a shrine underneath the Hyuuga Main House. We can ask the gods for help there, the problem lies in getting passed all those love-zombies…" he glanced at Sasuke.
"Don't even think about it Hyuuga, I'd sooner kill myself."
"There's just one thing I don't understand." Grumbled Naruto.
"Only one thing?" snorted Kyuubi.
"Bastard fox."
"Circus monkey."
"Worthless fleabag."
"Ignorant brat."
"Yo mama!"
"What about her?"
"Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread!"
"…you do realize that if the bread was free in the first place, even though the intent was to steal it, the act in and of itself becomes moot because she wouldn't have had to pay for it in the first place?"
"AARGH!"
"Heheheheh….I win."
Okay, that was weird. Let's check on the Akatsuki and… what's this? They're not there! Where could they have run gone? Oh well, I'm sure they'll turn up, they always do. Since we can't seem to find them, let's see what's happening in the village.
Gai and Lee could only fight off the women for so long before they were finally captured and dragged before Ururu.
"Ooh, more men for my harem? Ugh, oh no no no this will not do, you two are far too…too…words fail to adequately describe what I feel at this moment."
"Young lady, you are obviously overwhelmed by our burning flames of youth!" roared Gai.
"Hardly." Ururu waved a hand negligently, and then rested one hand on her hip and leaned forward so her nose was almost touching Gai's. "Now, why don't you be a good boy and help me round up the stragglers? It would be such a shame if I was made to wait any longer, don't you think?" she batted her eyes and they flashed for an instant.
"I don't know what you're waiting for but you will get no aid from me!"
"What! How can this be? You should be under my control now!"
"You underestimate the power of Gai-sensei!" Lee piped up, surprising Ururu once more.
"But, you're men! I should be able to seduce you into doing stupid and dangerous things! (1)" the goddess grew angry. "Throw them in the dungeon with the old and unattractive. I shall deal with them later." Gai practically fainted in shock.
"Un…unattractive!"
"Yes, you're hideous, unsightly, ugly, and completely repulsive. That spandex suit is an eyesore and your hair looks like you lost a fight with butcher." Gai really did go into shock after that.
"Gai-sensei! Gai-sensei!" wailed Lee, hoping to snap his beloved teacher out of his stupor but to no avail. Both were dragged away.
"Fools…"
Back to Sasuke and Neji as they snuck towards the Hyuuga compound. They'd almost been spotted numerous times, but the combination of the Sharingan and Byakugan running surveillance simultaneously was proving most effective in helping to avoid Ururu's soldiers. Plus, they are sneaky bastards.
Outside the walls, Neji led Sasuke to a hole in the wall that was concealed by a large bush. Sasuke made a comment about the Hyuuga security being lax. Neji just said that this wasn't an ordinary hole in the wall and he'd understand in a minute.
"WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HOLE LEAD INTO HANABI'S ROOM?"
"Because nobody in their right mind would ever come in here willingly, now stop spazzing and follow me."
"Uchiha's don't spaz." Pouted Sasuke.
Luckily for them the mansion was deserted as all the residents had either been captured or turned to the dark side. They ran by the room where the bra had been and stood before what appeared to be a solid brick wall.
"What I'm about to show you is never to be revealed to anyone else, do you understand?"
"In order to do that I'd have to admit to willingly teaming up with you." Snorted Sasuke. "Let's just get this over with."
Naruto was staring down Kyuubi with all the annoyance he could muster.The demon merely regarded him the way a pre-school teacher looks at a small child who has just done something to simultaneously amuse and please.
"Enough with the mind games already." Naruto said. "Why are you keeping me here?"
"Foolish child, it is not I who keeps you imprisoned here, it is another. Haven't you noticed the slight change in scenery?"
Naruto looked around; there was a distinct lack of water around his ankles. "What the hell? What's going on here?"
"You see brat, we are not in your mind."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?"
"If you would simply turn around you'd be able to see it for yourself."
Not wanting to turn his back to the demon fox, Naruto turned sideways and turned his head to look. "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT!"
"I thought that was fairly obvious." Kyuubi leered.
"I know what it is baka kitsune I meant what the hell is it doing here!"
Naruto was staring at the inside of a gigantic bra that, if you were to put it on the Hokage Monument (hmmm…that might be good for a couple of laughs…) it would cover the eyes of Sandaime while the strap would lay across the faces of the Nidaime and Yondaime.
"Don't you recognize the Accursed Possessed Bra, boy?" yawned Kyuubi, getting bored and deciding to send Naruto a couple of mental pictures.
"I only saw it from the front." Muttered Naruto trying very hard not to imagine the size of the breasts that would need to fill it. "Stop that! I know what you're doing!"
"Heheheh, all fun aside when you touched the bra Ururu reached back out and dragged you into it and pulled herself out."
"So you mean to tell me we're trapped inside the Accursed Possessed Bra?"
"Precisely."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…."
Kyuubi sighed. This was going to take a while.
By now some of you are wondering if Naruto's body is also inside the bra then how is it he's talking to Kyuubi in front of the seal cage? This is a question akin to asking, "How do you know you're not just a brain in a vat?" If you're not a philosopher or a mental patient (some argue this is the same thing) the simple answer is that it wouldn't matter if you were a brain in a vat because you wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway; brains have no bodies so there is no escape (and escape to where exactly). But, the good news is that you're not a brain in a vat. If you don't believe me look in a mirror, you would have no concept of what you looked like if you were a brain in a vat. And if that doesn't convince you the fact that you're thinking about it should. A brain in a vat has no concept of brains and or vats.
But, enough philosophical conjecture, accept things as they are and let's check on Neji and Sasuke.
Both boys were standing before a shrine that, despite where it was located, was very much well taken care of. There was no dust on the floor and an offering had been left on the altar earlier that morning.
"So," ventured Sasuke. "which god are we calling on anyway?"
"The only one that can help us in this dire time. Now I need you to stand over there." Neji pointed to a space on the right side of the shrine.
"Why?"
"It's part of the ceremony."
"…" Sasuke did as he was told. "Now what?"
"Don't move." Neji walked up to the alter and bowed three times. He then picked up a large paper fan that was resting between the candles and waved it over the offering a few times before rapidly turning around and smacking Sasuke in the face with it.
"WHAT THE HELL…" his angry tirade was cut off by the sound of thunder. A flash of light, a puff of smoke, and standing before them was what appeared to be Rick James.
"Who has summoned the God ofBitch Smacking?" (2)
The stunning (not really) conclusion of saga of the Accursed Possessed Bra is coming! The God of Ho Smacking and the Goddess of Lust and Jealousy face-off for the battle to save Konoha. Gai and Lee inadvertently cause a prison break, and a few surprises as well.
(1) This line was stolen from Atelier Iris. Nippon Ichi Software makes some pretty decent games, though Iris isn't one of the better ones.
(2) The only difference (comedy-wise) between Jyuuken and Bitch Slappin' is that Bitch Slappin' focuses on the face.