(Southern Baptist Missionary voice) You cannot resist the power of the crackfic… Come over to the crack-side. All are welcome. All are welcome...The power of the crackfic compels you!

Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
Part Ten: Do It 'Til You're Satisfied
By Kaori

Sasuke stared at the being in the jerry curls in a mixture of shock, annoyance, and curiosity. This is a god? He didn't look very godly, he looked like he had run amok in a clothing store and came out with the loudest, flashiest things he could find; in an odd kind of way he reminded him of Naruto. Speaking of the dobe, where was he? The God of Bitch Smacking noticed his staring and bitchslapped him.

"The hell!"

"I ain't some kind of zoo exhibit for you to be starin' at, you dig. Disrespect me again and I'll mess you up playa." Thus spaketh the God of Bitch Smacking and he bitch slapped Sasuke again for emphasis. Said boy went flying into the wall.

"Excuse me your pimpness but we need your help." Neji said. "The Goddess of Lust and Jealousy…"

"Not that bitch again." Groaned the god. "I thought I took care of that. I am not going to wear myself out dealing with her bitchy ass..." He snapped his fingers and a short, fat demon in a pinstripe suit and a bowler hat appeared. "Leroy get my cousin up here." The demon, Leroy, nodded and disappeared. A few seconds later Leroy returned with a peeved looking Tupac clone. "Not him Leroy! I meant my other cousin." Leroy and "Tupac" disappear.

"Who was that if you don't mind me asking?"

"The God of Gangsta Rap."

"There's a God of Gangsta Rap?" mumbled Sasuke.

"Of course, every musical genre has a god. Rock and Roll has more than I care to recall. There used to be a God of Country Rock but he got beat up by four of the other Rock gods (1)."

A huge puff of smoke appeared and Leroy was back with A Pimp Named Slickback (2) (AKA The God of Ho Smacking). "For what reason have you summoned me here. I got important bidness I need to be taking care of and I cannot afford to be delayed."

"Ururu's being a skank. I dealt with her last time, it's your turn." Said the God of Bitch Smacking.

"Hell no, she's your ex-girlfriend you deal with her."

"But she's your sister, which means she's not my problem. Don't make me call the God of Pimpin' on you. He told you a hundred times to keep an eye on her loose behind."

"No, don't tell daddy! I'll do it! I'll do it!" whined The God of Ho Smacking.

"Good. I'm leaving. Be done before six, you know how Big Mama gets when you show up late for dinner..." And he was gone leaving Neji and a slightly concussed Sasuke alone with the God of Ho Smacking.

In the Realm of the Accursed Possessed Bra Naruto had finally stopped screaming much to Kyuubi's relief (his sensitive ears could barely take Naruto at normal volume). Well, actually Naruto had managed to scream himself temporarily mute, which left him with glaring openly at Kyuubi, pouting, mentally cursing, and throwing silent tantrums. He could start panicking again once he got his voice back. Since nothing too interesting is going on in there let's see what Ururu is up to…

"Aaaahh, don't stop…"

Okay, no! Let's NOT see who she's doing…er… I mean….well…ummm…Oh look, there's Kisame and Itachi!

"Itachi, what are we doing in Wind Country?"

"I just wanted to check on something that's all." Itachi said in his why-must-you-bother-me-with-useless-questions tone, which ultimately meant that he was up to something and didn't want to tell you because you're going to make a fuss. His partner picked up on this right away.

"Don't tell me you stole Ted-sama's Haiku book (3) again!"

"Fine I won't tell you."

"If he catches you with it he's going to murder you, you realize this right?"

"And threin lies my salvation. As they say, "Possession is nine tenths of the law." If I don't have it when he finds me he can't kill me because he can't prove I stole it."

"Did I mention that you scare me Itachi?"

"I'm Uchiha Itachi, I scare everyone." (4)

"Including yourself, yeah." Deidara said, popping up unexpectedly and startling Kisame. At this point one would normally ask "what are you doing here?" but if a ninja has snuck up on you it is already too late to be asking such things so Itachi settled for glaring. "Can I borrow six hundred and thirty five thousand yen? They're having a sale on C4 in Suna and you're the only one with any money left, yeah."

"No. You still owe me five-hundred and eighty-eight thousand yen from the poker game last night."

"Oh come on, I'll pay it back yeah."

"You're not getting any cash from me until you pay me back."

"Fine, then I guess I'll just tell Ted-sama where to find his Haiku book."

"…how much did you need again?"

Now that you have been properly distracted, let's go back to Konoha and see if Ururu is done…how to put this so I don't have to change the rating…ah yes…doing the horizontal tango (5).

Ururu wasn't the least bit tired but decided to relax in a chaise lounge and have a half-naked Iruka (6) feed her grapes just for the hell of it. She'd get back to…business once she got sufficiently bored. She had long since sent her slaves to scour the village for anyone who may have been hiding and to ensure that she wasn't disturbed. Too bad those mortal slaves have no way of keeping out a god that is determined to collect his merchandise.

The door to the chamber burst open letting in a rolling fog. Standing in the doorway, dressed in purple suits, fur coats and fedoras were The God of Ho Smacking with Neji on his right and Sasuke at his left dressed in black business suits and sunglasses (looking for all the world like they should be in Pulp Fiction 2, Blues Brothers 2006, or Men in Black 3 whichever you find more appealing). "What the hell do you think you're doing?" demanded the God of Ho Smacking. Ururu went pale. "I thought I told you, no giving it away for free."

"You can't talk to me like that!" yelled Ururu.

"And who told you that? You are my little sister and daddy said I was in charge of you until mom comes back."

"In the Mortal Realm I'm a goddess first and your little sister second. You can't pull big brother rank here."

"Unfortunately you're right. In that case, Ururu, I challenge you to (a Xiaolin Showdown! just kidding. Cute show though.) A Game of the Gods!" There was a reverberating echo even thought the acoustics in the room shouldn't have allowed such a thing to occur.

"As the challenged I get to choose the contest." Smirked Ururu. "And I choose the Skill Challenge!"

"Why the hell do you always pick that one?"

"Because it's the only one that doesn't require senseless violence." She sniffed. "I simply detest it."

"You mean you can't stand it when people fight over anything else but you, damn you're vain whore."

"Shut up! Choose your mortal!"

"Wait a minute, what's this "choose your mortal" business?" demanded Sasuke, who was bitch slapped by The God of Ho Smacking. "What the hell was that for?"

"As the Sacrificial Bitch you don't have any right to address me directly." Said the God of Ho Smacking.

"Sacrificial WHAT?" another bitch slap for Sasuke; boy just doesn't seem to learn.

"Didn't whitey over there tell you?" he pointed at Neji. "In order to summon the God of Bitch Smacking you have to use a Sacrificial Bitch: whiny bitch, evil bitch, skanky bitch it don't matter. The minute he bitch-slapped you with the Sacred Fan of Bitch Smacking, you became the Sacrificial Bitch. Fortunately you're a man (albeit just barely) so the God of Bitch Smacking isn't allowed to spirit you away to have his wicked way with you."

"So how come you're allowed to hit me?" another bitch smack.

"Because I have been contracted to this particular assignment by the summoned god, bitch." GOHS (God of Ho Smacking) bitch slapped him again.

"Neji…" growled Sasuke.

"Yes?" the Hyuuga was smirking.

"When this is over you are dead."

"Can we get on with this please?" Ururu was tapping her foot impatiently. "I'm frustrated enough as it is without you idiots making me wait."

The God of Ho Smacking rolled his eyes and looked at Neji. "All right, who is the sneakiest person you know of?" Neji really had to think hard about that one.

Being a ninja meant you were already a sneaky bastard, but in a village full of sneaky bastards who was the sneakiest bastard of them all? Then he remembered something. The god had said "sneakiest person he knows of" not "sneakiest person he knows."

"Uchiha Itachi." Was the reply he came up with.

"WHAT!" roared Sasuke. There was a brief light show (accompanied by porn music for some strange reason; bow-chica-bow-bow) and in popped a confused-looking (as much as he can manage to look anyway) Itachi. Forgetting everything else, Sasuke immediately launched himself at his seemingly distracted brother. Itachi merely stepped to the side and watched dispassionately as his brother ran into a wall. "I loathe you…." Sasuke groaned before losing consciousness.

"Foolish little brother, you still have much to learn." Murmured Itachi, straightening his cloak nonchalantly.

"Oooh he's hot! I wonder if he's any good in bed…" Ururu took a brief trip to Happy Hentai Land.

"Now who's taking too long?" snorted the GOHS.

"Screw you Tyrone!"

"No thanks, incest isn't my thing."

"Do gods normally bicker like children?" Itachi asked Neji.

"It sure seems that way." Sighed Neji.

"Why am I here? And no smart-ass philosophical remarks, only I am allowed to do that."

While Neji explained the why and how of Itachi's presence at the moment, the gods continued to bicker and Sasuke remained insensible (7) until Ururu got tired of arguing and summoned her choice mortal just as Sasuke regained consciousness.

"Kabuto?" he blinked and looked around frantically for Orochimaru. Seeing no sign of the evil pedophilic snake, he relaxed slightly.

"The rules are simple." Ururu stated. "Each champion will steal three objects. Points will be awarded to whoever steals the most difficult ones." She blinked. "Oh drat, we need an impartial party to be the judge."

"What about the Oh God of Hangovers (8)?" Suggested Tyrone.

"He's still around?"

"Of course. As long as there's a god of any type of alcoholic beverage there will be an Oh God of Hangovers. This one just happens to have a human shape now."

A puff of smoke, a low moan, and the sound of someone being ill in a potted plant and the Oh God of Hangovers had arrived, stained toga and all. "Oh me." He groaned, holding his head and looking like he was going to throw up any second. Tyrone absently pushed a glass of something very foul smelling into his hands and he chugged it down. "Thank you. You wanted something?"

"We need you to act as judge, Rob." Ururu said and explained the situation in more detail.

"Just one question, do you have any more of that stuff?"

"As much as you need."

"Then I'm at your service."

Neji, Tyrone, and Sasuke stood on one side of the room and Ururu on the other, Rob was standing in the middle of the room with Itachi on his left and Kabuto on his right. "Round one, commence!" Kabuto disappeared but Itachi remained where he was.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" raged Sasuke.

"I already have what I require." Itachi said smirking. Kabuto returned.

"Show." Said Rob.

"Sasuke's teddy bear." Kabuto said, holding up a ratty looking brown teddy-bear.

"Boo Boo-sama!" wailed Sasuke. "You give him back right now!" Neji looked at him and burst out laughing.

"Hahaha! You still sleep with a teddy bear!"

"Shut up Hyuuga!"

Itachi seemed bored. Slowly he pulled out a thin book. "Ted-sama's Haiku book." Kabuto, familiar with Akatsuki's leader through Orochimaru's daily rants, made a face. He knew he'd lost this round (9).

"Victory to Itachi." Said Rob. "Uggh…I think my headache's coming back…" Tyrone handed him another glass of the foul-smelling liquid which he downed quickly.

"What is that stuff anyway?" Neji asked.

"Every hangover cure ever devised in one shot." Tyrone replied.

"Even the one with the guacamole and olive oil?"

"Yes."

"Nasty."

"Very, but it works." Rob, Oh God of Hangovers, sighed contentedly. "Round Two commence." Both ninjas disappeared this time. Twenty seconds passed before they reappeared.

"Show." Commanded Rob.

"Genma's senbon." Said Itachi.

"Kakashi's copy of Icha Icha Paradise Volume 1." Kabuto said, looking significantly beat up.

"This means this next round is the tie-breaker." Rob said. "Round Three…commence." Itachi and Kabuto disappeared once again. Kabuto came back before Itachi did.

"Show."

"Gladly." Kabuto reached into his pocket. "The Shodai's underwear!"(10)

Neji and Sasuke were shocked, however Itachi didn't seem bothered in the least.

"Very good, Kabuto. However, not nearly good enough…" slowly he pulled out something lacy and white. Both Neji and Ururu looked incredibly shocked. Ururu started feeling her chest frantically.

"NOOOO!" she screamed.

"Behold, Ururu's bra." And suddenly, the world seemed to implode upon itself.

When Neji opened his eyes he was still standing next to Tyrone. Rob and Ururu were gone as were Itachi and Kabuto. Sasuke was rubbing his eyes trying to get his vision back, and standing where Ururu had been, was Naruto.

"Woah, what a trip…"

"YOU IDIOT!" roared Neji, and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Sasuke, finally able to see, decided to join in because somewhere, deep down inside, he felt the need to get revenge on Naruto for something besides this.

Out in the village, the populace was going through pretty much the same embarrassing ritual as one who spent the whole night drinking and woke up naked next to a complete stranger in an identical state of disrobement. The general consensus was to never speak of this incident again, and if Jiraiya wrote about it there would be high-heeled shoes in places best left alone. The Hokage herself, was especially adamant about no one bringing up the subject of her in a cat-suit and stiletto heels with Genma and Raido (wearing nothing but loincloths) on a leash.

As for the possessed bra…

"Where'd you get that Itachi?" leered Kisame.

"I got it from a woman."

"You sly dog you! I was worried when you disappeared all of a sudden but turns out you were out getting some. So tell me was she hot?"

"She was a goddess."

"Think you'll see her again."

"Let's hope not Kisame."

Since Neji and Sasuke had spent a good four hours beating Naruto to a bloody pulp, the Hokage felt that the blonde would only have to scrub all the toilets in Konoha for a year. Unfortunately for Neji, Hiashi felt that since he brought the curse of the Accursed Possessed Bra on the village, he must suffer some sort of punishment…

"Neji! It pleases me that you have come to join us on our pursuit of youthfulness!" beamed Gai.

"Only seven more weeks…" chanted Neji, as he stood before his sensei and teammates in his new green spandex suit and orange leg warmers.

And thus our saga comes to an end., but new adventures wait on the horizon...

(1)I'll let you decide who which one, although I insist one of them be the God of Classic Rock.
(2) The Boondocks!
(3) Hee hee, too much Peace Maker Kurogane last night…
(4) No matter how hard I tried I couldn't say that out loud with a straight face.
(5) I was going to say "making the beast with two backs" but thought it too Shakespearean.
(6) Iruka needs some fan-service scenes dammit!
(7) There was going to be a joke in here about Sasuke having ceased being sensible a long time ago, but it would have been too much.
(8) From Hogfather. Damn but I love Discworld…
(9) In comparison stealing from Sasuke is much easier than stealing from Akatsuki's leader. Not only that, you have a better chance of getting away with filching Sasuke's stuff.
(10) Graverobbing at its dirtiest…