Chapter 3: Sickness

I barely slept. A combination of my fears, stress, and sickness that was getting worse left me tossing and turning as I tried to get some rest. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't get comfortable and I was feeling worse as the night dragged on. Eventually, I started to feel nauseous and my stomach began to ache terribly. I also started to shiver despite being wrapped up in a blanket next to a warm fire, which wasn't a good sign. After a few hours with no success as sleep, I gave up and laid on my back, looking at the rocks above with frustration as I coughed and groaned. I tried to think about something else to distract myself from the discomfort I was in, but that ended up being a mistake. I looked at my hands and I could almost feel the sensation of my blade sinking into flesh. I imagined blood dripping down Luna's chest and over my hands, staining them with the mark of my responsibility. A heavy weight fell over me, and I began to mull over the decisions that led to Luna's death.

"I had to do it. They would have killed me and then the village would have been left with fewer ninjas and no crystal. It's even possible that they could have returned on their own and killed even more people. Leaving them alive was the worst thing I could have done, especially if they were being influenced by someone or something else. I would have expected them to do the same to me, right...?"

I couldn't help but doubt my own reasoning. I knew that Luna and my team were a danger at that point, but for me to go through with the decision to kill them… I felt like I couldn't live with that. I knew that this was what I had been trained to do, to serve the village dutifully and without question, protecting them at all costs, but it seemed too heavy a burden to bear.

I grimaced. How many times before had this reasoning, this purpose, led to the death of someone I cared about? Was it worth it? Was I willing to put aside my duty to my village to possibly save one person?

What would Luna have done...?

I couldn't answer that question in my head, but my heart was giving me an answer that I wasn't comfortable with. I put both my hands up on my head and pulled my hair in frustration.

"There's always another way. Why couldn't I have figured it out!? Why did I have to kill them?! What if I had separated them from the crystal? What if I had incapacitated her instead?! What the hell was I thinking?!"

I choked back a sob and curled up on my side. I could still hardly accept what I had done. We had been teammates for almost my entire career as a ninja and she had become somewhat of an older sister to me. I thought back to the first time we had met, a few days after I had graduated from the academy.

I was nervous. A few days ago, I had been assigned to my first team that I would be spending the foreseeable future with, and I didn't want to disappoint. I took a steadying breath and double-checked to make sure that I had everything I needed for the day: Sword, pouches, assignment letter, identification, headband, and lunch. Feeling satisfied that I wasn't forgetting anything, I left my small apartment, making sure to lock the door behind me. I

t was early in the morning, so there weren't many people out as I made the short walk to the training ground where I would be meeting my team at. This left me with enough time to slowly build up strong anxiety that settled in my stomach and caused my hands to shake. Thoughts of meeting new people and making a good impression were at the forefront of my mind and I wanted to make sure that I had the appearance of someone they could count on.

I was the first to arrive, and I moved to stand by one of the pillars of stone that were near the center of the clearing. I tapped my leg nervously, looking around the trees that surrounded the area until someone else showed up. A girl that was a few inches taller than me with blonde hair emerged from the woods and lifted up a hand in a small wave.

"Yo!"

I gave a small wave back and smiled as best I could.

"Good morning!"

She walked up and started sizing me up immediately.

"So you're the new kid. I've gotta say, you're shorter than I expected. How old are you?"

"Uhm… I'm ten."

She nodded and then swung an arm around my neck and pulled me into a half hug, half choke hold.

"Well listen up, new kid. I can tell you're nervous, and you should be. You don't look like much, and I'm not going to have you be a dead weight on this team, which means I'm making it my personal responsibility to whip you into shape so you won't slow us down. The last thing we need you becoming a burden, or worse, a casualty. I've seen too much of that shit already to want to see it again..."

I held back my fear at her words and wrestled myself out of her grip before I could respond.

"S-sure. Whatever you say, uh…"

"Luna! My name is Luna. What's yours?"

She gave me a big smile and held out her hand. I shook it hesitantly, without smiling back, but felt less nervous than before.

"Kiran."

The war had torn through the lives of many of the people in my village, including Luna. I wasn't aware at the time, but I was the replacement for one of her teammates that had been killed only a week prior. She had taken the loss hard, and at some point told me that her nindo was to do everything she could to protect her team, so she wouldn't have to live through that hell again. She had been living up to that ideal, right up until we found that cursed crystal, and then everything fell apart.

The memory caused me to cry quietly, and I cursed the feeling in my heart, wishing it would all go away. Before now, as I had been trained to do, I had been excellent at dampening these emotions, but the lack of sleep was eroding my ability to push back against them.

"Was it worth it? Saving my own life in exchange for hers?"

I wasn't entirely sure as I wracked my tired brain for an answer. I wanted to move past this, to let it all go, but my heart refused to let me. Stricken with grief, I let the overwhelming feeling of regret wash over me. I let myself cry for a few minutes, understanding that doing so wouldn't help me right now, but it felt good to let some of my sorrow out. Once I felt that I had cried enough, I was able to gain control of myself again and shoved all those feelings away. I needed to focus on surviving the next few days and then I could deal with this and move on. That's what I kept telling myself at least.

"I just need to get home."

I lay there, struggling to suppress my own thoughts, when I felt a terrible feeling form in my stomach. I lurched over to my side and threw up, gagging from the taste of churned-up food and bile. When I finished hurling, I groaned, wiped a hand across my lips, took my blanket off, and stumbled over to the canteen of water by the fire. With shaking hands, I took a small swig of water and washed out my mouth, then spit out the rest of the small chunks of digested food onto the ground. Feeling a bit better, I lifted up my canteen for a drink but was hit by a sudden rack of coughs. I dropped the canteen, spilling the water, and held my hand over my mouth. I kneeled over as I hacked something up and into my hand. When the coughing subsided I looked at my hand and felt a chill run through my spine when I noticed phlegm mixed with very small specs of blood.

"I'm coughing up blood now? That's not good."

I was starting to lose my cool and stared at my hand blankly before I shoved it down by my side. I stood in contemplative silence before kneeling down to pick up the canteen and then fidgeted with the cap while I weighed my options. I didn't have many supplies left and was weaker than usual. My head and body were aching terribly and I didn't know what I was sick with. I was almost out of food and I wasn't in a good condition to get more. I started to realize with a great deal of trepidation that I was in a terrible spot and that I needed help. The problem I was facing, however, was that I didn't know where I was and the only place that I could go was… I stopped myself before I could say it. I shook my head and groaned, hoping that some other solution would come to mind. I joked to myself with a half-hearted laugh and wondered if maybe, just maybe, this was all a terrible dream? I closed my eyes tightly in the hopes that everything would right itself, but I was forced to open them again when a sudden urge to puke reminded me that this wasn't some awful dream.

I put a hand over my stomach until it settled down and made the decision to pack my things. I would have to get some help from the village I found, despite the fact that I knew nothing about the people or their allegiances. I was also going to have to ignore the worrying idea that the dragons could talk, but I could deal with that once I was feeling better. I thought over my plan again, not wanting to actually move, but eventually, my desire for help overcame my hesitation. I desperately hoped that things would work out and I could get back to my normal life after this ordeal was over. I just needed to survive long enough to make it out of this world.

It only took me a few minutes to get everything packed and ready. During that time, I broke out into a few more coughing fits and dry heaved because I didn't have anything left in my stomach. After putting on my cloak, I shouldered my pack, checking it one last time to make sure the straps were in place, then smothered the fire with some dirt and began my slow, shaky walk to the village. I was moving even slower now than I was yesterday because my head was dizzy and it was getting difficult to stand up straight.

Although it was dark, the moon illuminated the forest surprisingly well, covering everything in a dim, ethereal glow. Using this light, I was able to barely make out the marks that I had made the day before and followed them as best I could. I had to squint to get a better view of them because my head was hurting enough to cause my eyes to lose their focus. As I searched and walked, however, I started to see flickers of movement in the edges of my vision. I grew nervous and every time I looked or turned to catch whatever it was, it was gone. My fear grew as I walked, and after passing a few more of the marks, I was convinced that something was following me. I quickened my pace as the shadows of the forest seemed to stretch out towards me and the flickers grew closer and more rapid. Finally, I turned and caught a glimpse of a person slipping back into the shadows. My breath hitched as fear finally overwhelmed me and I ran, trying to create some distance between myself and whoever it was. Despite my speed though, the shadow was never far behind and I could feel it start to reach out for me as I darted past them.

Slowly, the shadows morphed and turned into hands. I found myself seeing faces attached to them and I screamed as I recognized some of them. Darkened faces of those I had killed, bloodied and vengeful, snarled at me with hatred. I felt something brush against my arm and I pushed it away in terror. Voices that were only present in my nightmares began to whisper all around me.

"Murderer! Monster! Betrayer!"

"Get away from me!"

I pivoted in place and dashed around a tree, but suddenly found myself falling head over heels because my leg had hooked onto a root hidden in the dirt. I reached out to grab nonexistent support as my face smashed into the ground, found nothing but air, and found myself tumbling down a hill.

It took several seconds for me to come to a stop, but I wasn't happy when I did. I landed on something hard, heard a loud click, and felt something clamp down on my leg. It didn't take any time for the pain to erupt through my leg and I screamed out in agony. I tried to get off of whatever I had landed on, but it had managed to lodge itself firmly into my thigh and moved with me. I screamed again before I settled down and then whimpered quietly, taking shallow breaths as I sat and let the pain lessen a bit. Once it had subsided enough, I gathered the nerve to roll onto my side and onto cold dirt. My leg screamed in protest but I didn't panic and took a look down at my leg. I sucked in a sharp breath and grimaced at what I saw.

I found my leg stabbed clean through by some kind of trap. There was a small thin blade that was only about a foot long pierced through my thigh. Under my leg was a small contraption that had a pressure plate, latch, and spring, barely visible underneath a mixture of paint and leaves. I looked at the stupid thing with resentment and my blood began to boil as my frustration melted through the thin veil of composure I was desperately trying to maintain. Words spilled out of my mouth in a hot mess before I could stop myself.

"Is this some kind of stupid joke?! What are the fucking odds that this would happen?! How am I supposed to make it home if everything keeps going wrong?!"

I yelled loudly and beat my fist against the ground.

"I get it! I messed up! I'm a monster and I deserve to suffer for my mistake! While we're at it, why don't we just put me out of my misery and call it a day?!"

I paused for a second to catch my breath and cough. My voice grew quieter as my anger turned into heavy guilt that weighed my entire body down.

"I know what I did was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Please, forgive me. I just want to make things right."

I didn't know what I was expecting as I yelled and begged. Maybe it was just to get my thoughts out of my head. Maybe I was secretly hoping for some grand being to appear and forgive me for my sins. Whatever it was, reality met me with an empty silence. No one spoke back to me and no one confirmed what I was thinking to myself. I was alone and dying in a strange place, with nothing to show for my mistakes. I thought about crying, but a lot of the tension that had built up inside dissipated with my outburst. Along with that, it seemed that the shadows had returned to normal and weren't following me anymore. With them gone, I knew that I didn't want to die yet and resolved to keep moving. There were still things that I needed to do.

I took a closer look at the trap I had fallen into. Although it hurt a lot, the blade was small and wouldn't leave a gaping hole if I removed it. If I took it off and wrapped my leg tightly, I shouldn't bleed too much.

"I hope."

I reached back to get the last of my bandages and realized that my pack wasn't on my back anymore. I turned to look behind me and found that it was laying on the ground a few feet away. One of the shoulder straps had released and some of the supplies had spilled onto the ground, including the bandages. I would have to move closer if I was going to reach them. I grimaced at the thought but I realized that I didn't have much of a choice. I carefully planted my hands on the ground by my butt and pushed up, which allowed me to slowly drag myself a few feet. I winced every time my leg brushed against the ground and I was sweating heavily. Blood was slowly trickling down my leg and left a small path on the ground.

When I was finally close enough to the bandages, I set myself down and laid back with a thankful sigh, taking several deep breaths. I wiped some of the sweat that was dripping down away from my eyes and grabbed the bandages. Then I prepared myself for the task of removing the blade.

"Ok, now for the hard part. No need to panic. Just open, and remove. Easy."

The trap was clamped down tightly on my leg so I would have to pry it apart and move it without slipping or letting it clamp down again. I shuddered at the thought of having a fresh stab wound made and gripped each side of the clamp with nervous hands. It was harder for me to open than I thought and I jerked it, causing a fresh wave of pain to shoot up my leg. I almost let go but managed to hold on and get it open enough to remove it. I threw it away from me and heard it snap shut with a loud clank. Blood started to spill from my leg and I quickly wrapped it up tightly with the bandages. It didn't take long for blood to soak through, but the flow slowed down and the wound began to clot.

I sat for a few minutes while I did my best to recover. My adrenaline slowly faded and all the pain that was being suppressed came back in full force. I felt like I had been thrashed by something large and angry, leaving behind a body that was broken and shattered. I almost felt like I wouldn't be able to move and I tried to stand up. I failed horribly, falling back onto my butt with a heavy thump. I let out a deep breath, frustrated that my right leg felt like it was made of jelly, while my left was too injured to work. I looked around on the ground for something I could use as a makeshift staff and spotted a fairly thick tree branch that could work. I repeated the shuffle that I did earlier and grabbed the stick, then moved over to a tree. Using the tree and stick as support, I managed to prop myself up to a standing position.

I took a few shaky breaths and moved to grab my pack, but decided against it. I could barely keep myself up and adding weight would probably make it so I couldn't move. With a promise to come back, I limped very slowly back up the hill I had fallen down. It was a difficult task, and my vision swayed and my knees buckled. I forced myself to keep going though because I was sure that if I stopped I wouldn't be getting back up for a while, if at all. When I finally made it to the crest of the hill, I almost cried with joy. I was finally out of that godforsaken hole! All I had to do now was limp the rest of the way to the village.

"Right. I can do this."

As I walked, the chill of the night combined with my sickness and wounds began to take a heavy toll on me. Every step I took was longer than the last and my limbs felt like they were being weighed down by lead. I was having trouble seeing clearly as black spots were slowly making their way into my vision. Thinking became more difficult because my mind was gripped in a strange haze that prevented me from focusing for more than a few seconds. I grumbled to myself and coughed up more phlegm, noticing that there was more blood this time. I was worried, but I didn't have the capacity to think about my body anymore. All I could focus on was one step after another, keep moving, don't die.

I continued to walk for an unknown amount of time and managed to pass by a few more of my marks. The path forward seemed very far away and I was getting extremely tired. The idea of sitting down to rest for a few moments gained traction in my mind as I swayed back and forth on my feet. Only the grim reminder of what could happen kept me going. As I took one heavy step after another, I noticed something strange in front of me. There was a large blue object that seemed to be getting closer and I tried to get a better look, but things were still spotty. A muffled noise reached my ears and the blue thing moved up to me quickly. When it got close, the blue blob reached something towards me and I instinctively swatted it away. I was somewhat annoyed that it was in my way and I tried to take a step around the blob. It moved in front of me again. More muffled sounds, although these sounded different. Higher pitched. I couldn't be bothered to figure out what it was saying though and waved an arm dismissively. What I didn't realize though, was that I waved with the arm that was holding the stick. I lurched, fell forwards and hit the ground, not feeling any pain as a comforting blanket of black enveloped me.

Edit 9/19/2021 - Minor Grammar and Spelling fixes

Edit 10/24/2022 - General fixes to structure and edits to several sentences.