Taking hold
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Part 6
It just so happened that when Sara and Greg turned into the break room Catherine and Nick were sat in there already - "Does anyone work in this place?" Greg asked. He still had his hand around Sara's wrist as he lead her through the door, "And look-y who I found hiding in paper work"
"Hey Sar…" Nick smiled.
"Nicky" She replied, then smiled softly Catherine's way, "Hey"
"Hey, how you feeling?" Catherine asked hoping it was better than earlier. It had been around three hours since the incident in the Car park.
"Well, I haven't broke Greg's hand for touching me …so not good" She joked, but Catherine could see through her smile to extreme sadness.
"Does this mean…we have taken the next step in our relationship?" Greg asked Sara.
She pulled her hand back and slapped it across the back of his head before heading over to the coffee machine.
Greg smiled, "Ah…good old times" He sighed as he took a seat at the table across from Nick.
Sara poured two mugs of coffee and walked over pushing one in front of Greg, "There you go Romeo…"
"Thanks" he smirked; Sara walked over and Sat on the sofa next to Catherine, keeping her distance though. She couldn't believe how she had acted earlier; she'd practically pushed her Girlfriend out of her way. If the roles were reversed Sara knew she wouldn't be able to sit there and not comfort Catherine so why wouldn't she allow Catherine to comfort her. She thought about this, she knew exactly why – she was ashamed of her past, of what she'd done and what she'd been through – it wasn't a part of her she'd wanted Catherine to know, any one to know.
This was all too much for her; she took the hot liquid down the throat – happy to let it burn as it went. She didn't know it was possible to feel so much emotion all at once - fear, pain, hurt, love, embarrassment… they just kept coming, hitting her. The team must have known something was wrong with me because I hared Nick's voice break thorough her thoughts
"Hey… Sar…"
"Hum?" She asked, dragging her mind back into the room
"What's up?" he asked
"Nothing, I'm…" She just sighed, "Why?"
"Well Greg-y just made sexual innuendoes…and implications that referred to you" The Texan said with a smirk, "Just not like you to let him off with that one"
Before anyone could say anything Catherine stood, and without a word walked from the room at a high pace. Nick looked confused, "Well I expected you to walk out not her" he explained, "What's up with her?"
"Something is going on with her today…she'd been in some mood" Greg explained, "You think someone should go and talk to her?"
She watched her walk away, what had happened – she had a good idea that it was something she'd done, or hadn't done. "I will" Sara said standing, she wasn't sure if she wanted to do this but Catherine was hurting - as she walked past Greg she allowed her hand to slap him across the back of the head –"You wish" She shot as she left.
Nick smirked at Greg.
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Sara had followed Catherine into the ladies room, "Cath?" She asked, concern for her girlfriend filling up inside her.
Catherine was lent over the sink watching the water run into the basin, she didn't respond. "What's wrong?" she asked, confused.
"What's wrong?" Catherine shot back, "are you serious?" there was anger laced in the words spat by the blond. "You really don't know what's wrong?"
Sara just looked at her; she wasn't sure what had caused this outburst. "Don't tell me Greg's advances have got you pissed." She tried.
"Greg's advances no! …but you…yes"
"Me?"
"You stand there; acting like everything is fine…when I know it isn't. I know that you are been slowly ripped apart inside but you won't let me in. You can't even look at me can you?" Sara had dropped her gaze to the floor as the older of the two had been talking. "You can't keep pushing me away Sara, don't you see that…it kills me. I had to force myself to walk out of that room today after I hared you fight through your emotions and it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do – leave you when you were so upset. All that I wanted to do was hold you. You won't even let me touch you though…"
"It's hard; it's really hard - that's why?" Sara shouted back with equal force - she wanted to comfort Catherine and make it all better but she couldn't, she didn't want to do this.
"What is? I love you Sara…you know I do. I won't hurt you…"
"No…but I'll hurt you" Sara shouted, instantly regretting it when it left her mouth. She couldn't believe she'd just said that – what was wrong with her?
"What?" Catherine hadn't expected to hear that,
Sara shook her head, "Forget it"
"No…Sara…" Catherine became less angry now and her tone became softer –"what is it that's stopping you from letting me in?"
"I said forget it…" Sara growled in frustration, she just wouldn't drop it.
"I can't" Catherine shouted.
"Why?"
"Because you're hurting"
Sara took a deep breath and looked up at Catherine, into the eyes of the woman who she had promised everything to – "I'm not used to having someone that gives a shit Cath… I'm not used to having someone care." She explained slowly, lowly with pain evident.
"Well I do care…more than you'll know." Catherine soothed, as she took a step forward
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why do you care…I mean…no one else ever has?"
"I'm not anyone else Sara, I love you…"
"I don't know what you want from me Catherine" Sara finally shouted in frustration.
"I want you to let me in…you've talked to Grissom, to Greg to Warrick …why not me?" Catherine shot with just as much force, "I'm your girlfriend"
"I don't want to hurt you" She managed.
"Then don't push me out…" Catherine explained, "You need to talk to me?"
"I don't know how"
"You don't know how?"
Sara shrugged, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry if this is hurting you but I can't"
"You know what, the night you kissed me…on that first night – I opened my heart to you – when I see you like this. Upset, hurting…it hurts me too – I just want to make sure you are okay" Sara's emotions were on a high right now, she just backed up against the wall behind her looking into Catherine's eyes, "Tell me how you feel?" Catherine asked.
"Angry" Sara explained, "Really angry right now … I hate myself because I'm consciously hurting you but there isn't any other way I can deal…I'm sorry"
"Stop apologizing to me Sara…" Catherine had tears in her eyes now. Before anymore could be said Catherine reached forward and took hold of Sara's wrist – "I'm scared I'm going to lose you" She explained.
Sara looked to the floor, her own emotions becoming too much for her. She closed her eyes, and took in a sharp breath as she felt Catherine come closer to her- she felt the strong comforting arms wrap around her waist and the body of the woman who she truly did love press against hers – she'd been strong, well relatively strong up until this point. This wasn't really what she wanted, may be even more than she could handle – she couldn't breath, and her mind raced – she ran over all the possible ways she could hurt Catherine, it killed her. She didn't want this.
But the blond moved closer, Sara was backed right up against the wall with her eyes closed as she became an emotional mess - like a small child she lent forward and laid her head on Catherine's shoulder – "I don't want to lose you" the words whispered against Sara's ear sending shivers down her spine.
"You wont" She managed, her voice unbalanced – with her the wavering emotion. She knew, in her head she shouldn't be doing this – she shouldn't be letting herself open up. But her heart wanted nothing more than to let Catherine be there for her. She was conflicted. Finally she gave in and moved her hand up and wrapped them around Catherine's waist – pulling the blond into her, one of Catherine's hands moved up Sara's body and up to rest on the back on Sara's neck. "I'm yours forever…" Sara promised as the tears did in fact begin to fall. Crying wasn't something she was comfortable, and she'd done way too much of it already today – but this was too much for her to keep emotionally stable.
"you Promise?" Catherine asked
"I promise" Sara agreed. They held each other like this for a few minuets before Sara pulled back and looked into Catherine's eyes – "I think we need to talk" Catherine nodded. "I'll meet you at your's after shift okay?"
"Yeah" Catherine agreed, and then she lent forward and kissed Sara, softly…no force, just love and reassurance.
"Better?" Sara asked Catherine when they broke apart.
"Much better …what about you?"
"Ask me later and I'll tell you" She mumbled painfully.
tbc...