Taking hold

This is dedicated to my Wonderful Beta – thanks a lot Jess you're a star :D

Hope you all enjoy and have to say that your reviews put me on - cloud 9 – so if you want to throw some more my way they will be welcomed with open arms. Hope you like this part through.

Part 7

Sara didn't know what was worse.

That she was sitting with her head in her hands, with memories pelting every inch of her, or that she had promised to talk to Catherine.

Sure, the blond deserved to know what was going on, but Sara herself was finding it hard to comprehend what it was that she was feeling right now. How the hell was she supposed to talk about it?

Pushing the fear to the back of her head, she stood from her desk. Sighing, she looked at her watch – not long to go. Dragging her feet from the lab she'd chosen to take over tonight, she realized that she hadn't got much work done. She'd managed only to shuffle some stuff around; maybe get a few reports finished, but nothing compared to what she'd usually manage to do.

Grissom hadn't pushed her though. If he could have, he'd have forced her from her case, from the lab, to sort her head out – but he didn't have a death wish. He just wanted her to be okay. She did mean something to him. Anyone could see that…

If it was any other case, on any other day, he'd have given her another case to fill the time waiting for the guy to be picked up, but today he hadn't. Even more concerning to Sara was that he had been avoiding her since the talk in his office.

Walking into the break room, she was pulled from her thoughts by Greg.

"Hey you."

"Hey Greg, do you ever work? I mean…it doesn't look like it to me." Sara smiled softly.

"Hey, I've been working hard tonight." He explained. "I was with Cath on that case, but we closed it."

Sara just nodded her head as she took a root beer out of the fridge. "You want one?"

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

Sara walked over to the sofa and took a seat next to Greg.

"So you talked to Catherine earlier?" He asked.

"Err, yeah…I did"

"And you got out of there alive? Wow, that's more than I can say for Nick. When he tried to comfort her she nearly threw him out of the Denali while we were going 50 on the freeway!"

Greg reeled off the information, throwing the magazine he was reading down on the table and turning slightly to talk to her. Though he had a humor to his tone, Sara could tell he was concerned. It was true; they really were a family – the whole lot of them.

"She was crazy mad," he explained.

Sara couldn't help but feel guilty. "What did he say to her?"

"Not a lot, he hit a raw spot though." Greg explained. "He asked what was wrong, but she wouldn't say – she told us she was fine. So he tried to lighten the mood; made some crack about her needing a guy. That was when she went for him… I swear to god, I thought I was going to have to call you to process the scene after she killed him!"

Sara sunk further back in the sofa, and popped the can open, taking a swig. She felt sorry for Nick having to deal with the bad mood she'd put Catherine in, but on some level she was happy Catherine had gone at him. She couldn't remember how many times the team had been sat together, and they'd made cracks about Catherine's guys. Or they'd all been sat in a bar after shift, only to have some guy watching her woman. Yet she couldn't say anything – she just had to take it, let it eat her up inside.

"He back off after that?" She asked.

Greg grinned. "When Catherine loses it with you, you shut your mouth. Well, we all do, you seem to get off on pissing her off."

Sara shrugged. "You just can't handle her."

"Damn right I can't…" He shot.

A silence fell between them.

"So, what are you doing after shift?"

"I'm not going out with you, Greg." She replied swiftly.

"Hey, look…I'm not just some insensitive guy. I was wondering if you wanted a drink, that's all. Nothing else."

"Well, as much as I like the sound of a drink, I can't…places to be."

"Anywhere interesting?" Greg questioned.

"Nope…" Sara dismissed, taking another mouthful of the sugary caffeine mix.

"Well, all I'm saying is…if you need to talk or something; just give me a call."

Sara nodded her head. "Thanks." She did mean that, Greg had been great – and he hadn't moved from eyes contact to her cleavage in the last few conversations, so that was progress.

Just then, the door opened, and Nick walked in behind Catherine. Greg and Sara turned to watch them.

"Cath, I said I was sorry…you really going to keep this up?"

"Nick, just leave it."

He held up his hands. "Fine…I was only messing with you."

"Yeah, well…I don't want any guys you know…got it?"

"Well Sara flat out refuses now, so you're my only option. He's a good guy is all, and after Eddie I just thought…"

That was it. Catherine turned around – "Don't go there," she warned. "I don't want to be set up with any mate of yours."

"I…"

"Nick, back off! She doesn't want any of your loser friends."

This time it was Sara who shouted across to the Texan. He meant well, all of them could see that, he just didn't know when to stop. And to be honest, Sara never liked it when Catherine's ex-husband came up into the conversation. Jealous…sure she was, and she knew that Catherine was aware of it. There had been a few heated confrontations between the two over her ex-husband.

"Okay… what about you?" He offered looking over the break room.

Sara just looked at him. The 'Sidle scowl' was all that was needed to shut him up.

"Hey, she's got me…" Greg smirked. "It's all she needs."

"You know what; I think you should set Greg up. Maybe he'd leave me alone." Sara suggested.

"Never baby…" He smirked.

Reaching over, she did what she did to end most conversations with the young male CSI, and slapped the back of his head.

"Nearly the end of shift…you can get away from them then, Sar." Catherine smiled softly from where she was stood leaning against the counter with a bottle of water. It was more of a 'you're mine and don't forget it' look that only Sara picked up on. Sara just smiled back, though was instantly filled with the fear of what she knew was coming - the talk with Catherine.

"Yeah, nearly the end." Sara mumbled.

"How's the case coming, Sar?" Nick asked.

Sara stopped. She fell quiet and looked to the floor.

"We're waiting on Brass finding the father so we can link him with the evidence. It should be pretty simple as soon as we get the bastard."

"So you won't be pulling a triple tonight?" Sara was asked by Greg.

"Doesn't look like it…"

"Well then, what do you say we go for a drink? All of us?"

"Sorry, I got some stuff to do…"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure…"

"What about you, Cath?"

"Got to get home…sorry."

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The shift had gone too slow for Catherine, way too slow. But just as the morning sun came up offering a welcome goodbye to the night shift for another twelve hours, Catherine pulled her Denali into her drive way. She was happy to see Sara was already out front. Not bothering to gather anything but her gun and CSI ID she stepped out, to be welcomed by the sight of a tired, and still visibly affected Sara walking towards her.

"Hey baby." Catherine offered softly with a smile.

"Hey you." Sara smiled back. It was clear she was trying to hide how she really felt.

"Come on, let's go. Jack on the rocks sound good?"

"Yeah." Sara agreed, letting Catherine take her hand.

Catherine slammed the door to her Denali and headed up towards her house. It was only when she felt Sara entwine her fingers in her own that she realized what her lover really needed was comfort.

She was ready to be held, to be looked after.

She was ready to open up to Catherine.

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"Here you go." Catherine placed the bottle on the coffee table, and then held out one of the pre-poured glasses. "With the day you had I thought you'd want it straight, and that we'd need the bottle in here with us."

Sara looked up and smiled softly, "Thanks."

Taking the glass with the Jack in, she sat forward so Catherine could slip into the place on the sofa behind her. Cath did this with little effort, and then wrapped her arms around Sara's waist, encouraging the younger of them to lean back. It was all Catherine had wanted to do all shift – hold her. And with Sara finally able to accept the comfort, they sat in the relaxed silence, just happy to be with each other.

Catherine's hand moved unconsciously under the bottom of Sara's shirt, making slow circular motions over the skin. This was more than welcomed by Sara who was feeling so safe right now, just being held.

"You shouldn't have heard that today," Sara said, breaking the silence abruptly. "Not how you did anyway."

There was more silence. Catherine could tell Sara was fighting to voice her thoughts; how difficult this was for her.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want Sar, I'm happy just to hold you. I'm not forcing you to open up to me…" Catherine regretted the argument earlier. She knew just how hard it was for her girlfriend to open up.

"You know I don't want to hurt you right?" Sara said finally. "When I do shit like today…it's not because I don't want you near me, or holding me, I just…don't want to hurt you."

"I know honey…I shouldn't have lost it like I did. I've just… never been that scared," Catherine explained. "I've never seen you like that"

Sara nodded, she understood – "I know… I'm sorry if I've been pushing you away."

"I'm sorry if I've been pushing you to talk to me."

Sara didn't know where to start. Silence had consumed them again, and she didn't know what to do. How could she just jump right into the middle of her fucked up life?

At the last minute she bottled out, she wasn't going to be able to start this.

"I…I want you…" She stopped. It was still so hard to believe that she was here, being loved by this woman. After a few moments she sighed, "I want you to ask me a question, anything you want about me."

"Ask a question?" Catherine asked. She moved her arm tighter around Sara's waist and the two moved slightly. Sara was now leant into Catherine, her head softly resting on her girlfriend's shoulder.

Sara nodded her head, "Yeah."

She could now smell Catherine's scent - sweet vanilla.

Catherine saw how hard this was for Sara. She examined how the brunette was acting –

Like a scared child trying to get as much physical contact with their protector.

Sara was scared.

Catherine wasn't sure if she should say this, but she couldn't help it. It had been running through her mind since she'd heard it and she needed to know, she had to know…

"Did…did … you really take an overdose? Try and… and kill yourself?" She managed slowly, softly, as she tried to gage the reaction.

Sara stiffened instantly in Catherine's arms and buried her head into the blond's neck, thinking back to her child hood.

"Yeah" She sighed, mumbling into her. She remembered it all. The way she felt before she did it. The way she felt after she did it…the pain and the fear. "I was alone, and I needed an out." Sara explained reluctantly.

"Why?" The blond managed eventually.

"Because…death was a better option to what I had"

Sara's answer was simple, and it scared Catherine to hear just how true it really was. This was all she needed to hear. She just moved slightly so she could hold Sara closer, and she did just that – held her – she was never going to let her go. Sara was crying now, her body shuddered with the sobs and Catherine could feel the hot tears against her skin.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry baby." She wasn't sure what she was apologizing for, but she just had to say it, over and over as she helplessly tried to comfort her.

She saw just how hard this was, so reaching forward she took her hand.

"You don't have to do this…I mean it Sar…we can just go lay down. I'll keep you safe…"

Sara managed a nod of her head.

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TBC