On Halloween night, Crane was locked back up in Arkham Asylum. Shortly after Harley had left the factory with Joker, Batman had appeared at Crane's operation and shut the whole thing down. Batman had managed to intercept the poisoned candy before anyone could be affected by it, and had traced it back to the factory, where the henchmen were no match for him. Crane didn't even put up a fight when Batman arrived – he just held out his wrists and let Batman drag him back to Arkham. He was depressed and listless, and not even the fact that it was Halloween could cheer him up.
"Jonathan, you have a visitor," said Dr. Leland suddenly, appearing at his cell door.
"Tell them to go away," he muttered, lying in his cot with the pillow over his head. "I'm not in the mood to see anyone."
"I'm not telling him to go away – he's come all the way from England," retorted Dr. Leland.
"Jervis is back?" asked Crane, hopefully, as he lifted the pillow off.
"You'll have to come and see," said Dr. Leland with a smile.
Crane followed her to the visiting room, where a familiar figure sat behind the glass. "Ahoy hoy!" said Jervis Tetch, cheerfully. "A very happy Halloween to you, Jonathan! Although I'm surprised to see you incarcerated tonight of all nights."
"It's a long story, Jervis," sighed Crane. "And I'm not in the mood to review it right now. Why don't we speak of happier things, like the Queen's funeral?"
"It was a lovely memorial service – I'm sure you saw some of it on television," said Tetch. "And then I spent some time with his majesty afterwards – I hadn't seen him since school, so it was good to catch up."
"You…went to school with the current king of England?" asked Crane, stunned.
"Yes, Chuckers and I go way back," agreed Tetch, nodding. "We used to call him Chuckers because he once threw up on…well, I suppose as a loyal servant of the crown, I shouldn't spread such stories about the monarch around," he finished. "God knows that family has enough scandals without me adding to them. Anyway, it was nice to briefly visit, but the work on the estate was very dull, and I wanted to be back here for Halloween to help you with your scheme. I didn't know you weren't planning on having one this year."
"Oh, I did have one," sighed Crane. "But it failed before Halloween even started, largely due to my own incompetence and cowardice and ego. And Batman, of course. It all started when I asked Harley if she would temporarily work for me over Halloween."
"Yes, I can see you're off to a bad start already," agreed Tetch, nodding.
"And then I got an unwanted admirer henching for me, who tried to kill Harley because she was jealous of my feelings toward her," continued Crane. "So naturally I had to fear gas her in the end. But Harley found out I had lied about us being together, which is what I told my admirer to spare her feelings, and she became furious and returned to Joker. And then Batman showed up and dragged me back here. There was also a chocolate factory – that was the original plan, to poison chocolates and distribute them to trick-or-treaters on Halloween night. Which sounds completely ludicrous now that I explain it out loud - I don't know what I was thinking."
"You obviously weren't," retorted Tetch. "And you see what happens when you don't think, and let your emotions overrule your mind."
"Yes, my admirer mentioned that too," sighed Crane. "She said a man as intelligent as I am shouldn't be ruled by stupid emotions. But then she did vastly overrate me."
"That tends to happen when blinded by love," replied Tetch. "But I'm sure Harley will forgive you – she doesn't bear grudges. The Joker on the other hand does."
"Yes, and speaking of hands, he already expressed his displeasure with mine," added Crane, holding his broken hand up. "Fortunately it's not my fear-gassing hand, and it should heal eventually. But you can see how much excitement you missed while being away."
"Clearly I can't go away again – you can't be left on your own without me," retorted Tetch. "It's far too dangerous. You make terrible decisions, and then reap the disastrous consequences. I'll just have to tell Chuckers that he'll have to find someone else to advise him."
"The king of England…offered you a job as his advisor?" stammered Crane.
"Yes, but it wouldn't have suited me at all," said Tetch, shaking his head. "I can't be doing with all those silly rules and protocols – they're more nonsensical than Wonderland. Anyway, they have enough mad people at Buckingham Palace without adding a Mad Hatter into the mix."
He stood up. "I'll get unpacked, and then devise a scheme to break you out of here as soon as possible," he said. "But that will probably have to be tomorrow – fortunately I'm jet-lagged so I can be up all night working on it. Enjoy your Halloween – ask Dr. Leland if she'll let you screen a Hammer horror film in the Rec Room. Those were always my favorite growing up."
"Yes, I'll…do that," said Crane, still stunned by his friend's royal connections. He made his way into the empty Rec Room, and began rifling through the limited DVD collection. "We don't seem to have any Hammer horror, or any horror movies at all," he muttered. "I suppose that's wise in a way – Arkham doesn't want to be held responsible for us imitating any acts of violence we see on the screen. But we do have Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," he commented, taking it out. "I suppose I can see if that truly is a horror movie, as Harley claimed. Of course I won't be able to tell her if she's right, since I'll likely never see her again…"
"Psst, Johnny!" hissed a familiar voice from the window.
Crane looked up, and saw Harley standing by the window, wearing a red dress, with her blonde hair long and loose. "Harley!" he gasped, racing over to her. "Oh God, I'm so sorry…"
"Hey, no need to apologize!" said Harley, beaming at him. "Making mistakes is human, and I can't blame you for being human. I was gonna apologize to you for overreacting, but when I headed back to the factory the day after Lindsay tried to kill me, it was empty."
"Yes, Batman arrested me and brought me back here," said Crane.
"I figured," said Harley, nodding. "He can never just mind his own business, the caped freak. Hope he didn't beat you too bad."
"No, he…he didn't, but…I would have deserved it if he did," said Crane. "Harley, I can't tell you how sorry I am…"
"I said no apology," interrupted Harley, firmly. "I've forgotten all about it, honest. We all do stupid things from time to time, and I wouldn't be a very good shrink if I couldn't understand people doing stupid things. That's what kept me in business as a shrink, after all."
"Oh, Harley," he whispered. "You're an angel!"
"Harley, hurry it up!" snapped another familiar voice. "We've wasted enough time with this loser, and I got plans for tonight!"
"All right, keep your shirt on!" retorted Harley, glaring at Joker, who was dressed all in black with a black mask, and swinging a sword.
"Who on earth are you supposed to be?" asked Crane, puzzled.
"I'm the Dread Pirate Joker!" snapped Joker. "And we're meant to be crashing Clayface's new movie premiere – that whole Harley almost being baked alive incident gave me the idea of using a flame-thrower on Clayface to bake him solid. Then I can do a whole 'to the pain' routine on him as revenge for chasing me outta his last screening. I'm going to leave him in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. So we need to get down to the Monarch ASAP!"
"Here, we brought you The Princess Bride so you'll know who we're supposed to be, and what we're talking about," said Harley, handing him a DVD through the bars. "I think you'll really love it, even though it ain't exactly a Halloween movie. Although I think the R.O.U.S.s are scary, and the shrieking eels…"
"And I gotta get me one of those life-sucking machines," finished Joker. "Now c'mon, Harl, let's go!" he added, swatting her bottom with the sword.
"You are such a jerk!" snapped Harley. "And you ain't acting like your character at all! We're meant to be the classic portrayal of true love, you moron!"
"We would be, if you'd get your worthless ass moving!" snapped Joker.
"I'd better go, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "I just wanted to let you know there was no hard feelings. I was frazzled and angry and I didn't mean what I said. You'll always be my friend, and the smartest guy I know."
"I'm beginning to think being smart is overrated, when even that can't prevent you from making stupid mistakes," retorted Crane. "And it seemed to be what primarily drew Lindsay to me. When that trait attracts people like that, I'm not sure it's the best one I could have cultivated."
"In conclusion, it sucks to be you," finished Joker, smiling at Crane. "Which is why we ain't busting you out."
"We ain't busting you out so you can enjoy the movie in peace," retorted Harley. "It's probably not how you usually spend Halloween, but I don't think you have time to plan a whole new scheme tonight. And sometimes a change is nice, huh?"
"Yes…it is," agreed Crane. "I hope it was for you too, Harley, being my henchwoman, however briefly," he added.
"Yep, the only 'how was it for you?' type conversation you're ever gonna have with a woman is about work!" chuckled Joker. "And I bet the other one would also be about something pretty brief, if you get what I'm saying."
"Your humor is never subtle, Joker," retorted Crane. "Everyone always gets what you're saying, since it's always completely obvious."
"At least I have a sense of humor," retorted Joker. "That's what Harley said she missed most about me. Well, that and the mind-blowing sex, obviously."
"Johnny's got a sense of humor – it's just different from yours," said Harley. "And that's ok – variety is the spice of life, and it's great that everyone I know is their own unique, authentic selves with their own little quirks and personalities. And even if Lindsay wasn't the perfect gal for you, I know she's out there somewhere. You just got too many great qualities for her not to be."
"Just be careful – sometimes you can't shake the crazy stalker types," said Joker. "Sometimes they just cling on and on, suffocating you and breaking you down mentally until you just resign yourself to their presence, because it's easier to put up with them than to get rid of them. Believe me, I've tried."
"You are such a baby, puddin'," sighed Harley, rolling her eyes. "I bet you couldn't even have survived the Fire Swamp, or the Machine!"
"I could too!" retorted Joker. "But don't think I'll be storming any castles to rescue you, you dizzy dame!"
Crane watched them leave, loudly bickering. He didn't know how much Joker actually resented his relationship with Harley – he suspected their constant antagonism was an act more often than not, some game they both enjoyed playing with each other, for some bizarre reason. He supposed that was the only way their relationship could work as long as it had, since if Joker really hated Harley that much, he would have murdered her long ago, as Crane had done with his own unwelcome admirer. And Joker was a lot more short-tempered than Crane, so if Harley was really as annoying to Joker as he claimed, he would have killed her years ago. But if she was…Crane had a moment of sympathy for the Joker, having to put up with a woman he found stifling and obsessive and clinging. He knew what that was like now, to have someone ride roughshod over his feelings in an all-consuming, one-sided passion which he just didn't share. It could get very annoying very quickly.
But before Crane got too sympathetic toward him, he reminded himself that this was the Joker, an all round horrible human being who deserved nothing but contempt for the way he treated Harley and everyone else, and the moment of sympathy passed. If Joker truly found Harley that irritating, the decent thing to do would be to just kill her rather than abuse her all these years. The fact that he kept her alive and in pain was just another act in the very long list of the Joker's acts of bullying cruelty. Death was always a mercy in Crane's mind, although he knew Joker didn't share his sentiments, preferring to torture and beat people rather than just doing them the favor of killing them and putting them out of their pain. Joker was similar to Batman in that respect – they were both psychotic, sadistic bullies who took pleasure in beating people weaker than they were.
Not that he actually thought of Harley as weaker than the Joker, and perhaps the fact that she had somehow made herself indispensable to him, or at least broken his will enough that he didn't even try to get rid of her anymore, was some sort of victory on her part. Harley had truly been able to get under Joker's skin, and the thought of how much that must bother Joker was probably punishment enough for his misdeeds toward her, whether real, faked, or mutually desired for their own twisted, inexplicable reasons.
He forced himself away from speculating about Joker and Harley – it was Halloween, after all, his favorite night of the year, and he should be celebrating the season of fear, not miring himself in depressing subjects. And the best way to escape from the mire of depression was to distract oneself with escapism, so he promptly put in the DVD and began watching the movie. And after it finished, it was difficult even for a hardened cynic like Crane not to believe that true love wouldn't find a way, even if it was delayed for a while.
The End