The Banana-Part 7
Well guys, we are driving to the end, though I still got at least a few more good chapters to go. Sorry it took, probably the longest chapter in this story, so long to post. I've recently gotten hooked on LOST, and once I start to obsess about something, all of my other obsessions just have to wait. But after finally watching the 8th series of RD, and watching the interviews on all of my old dvd's, I got in the mood again.
I hope this is unique as it can be, and not too much like Polymorph or Emohawk. And I know, this is supposed to be a comedy, but I am just an angst writer at heart, and some of it seeped through. You know, like in the end of 'Out of Time'. All the gags are up, so 'we can go for the drama', as Chris said in the commentary I love so much. Don't worry, the end sign is still out of sight, and I will try to put more humor in this!
By the way, a BIG thank you to my new Red Dwarf beta-reader, reddwarfaddict! I feel so professional now that I have someone over my shoulder to tell me if it's crap or not, and to save me from making embarrassing spelling errors.
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Lister paced around the medical deck, biting on his nail as he tried to think through the depression that seemed to come with no hope. His mind wandered to the weirdest thing, as he stated to the silent room, "Those quarters were quite nice."
Cat looked at him like he was crazy, while Kryten decided to humor him as they waited for Rimmer to revive.
"What quarters, sir?"
"Well, you know when we were runnin' from that deranged killer snack? We ran into one of the officer's room, and I thought it was much bigger than ours. Maybe we should move in there."
Kryten took the sudden exclamation in stride, and said simply, "Sure you could, Mr. Lister, although I don't think this is the right time to start picking the curtains."
Lister shook his head, muttering, "That's such a girl thing to say, Kryters. Why would any self-respecting male pick out something to cover a window looking out into space? It's not like anyone's peeking!"
Cat yawned, getting tired of the conversation and the whole situation. Lister sighed, holding his head with his hands as the panic started to rise from within. "That is, if we survive this! I mean, its already got one lying on the table, it won't take too long to knock us all down."
Holly popped onto the screen at this moment, her blonde hair swooshing around her nonexistent neck, as if a fan was blowing it. They all looked at her expectantly, but she seemed to be talking to herself. "Man, you're so sexy. That blonde in your hair really makes the blue in your eyes pop."
All three pairs of eyebrows shot up. Holly looked at them confused. "What?"
Cat spoke up, representing the group. "Now, I'll be the first to say that self-love is the most important thing, right before self-hygiene and self-fashion. But it's a bit weird when you're hitting on yourself."
She laughed, shaking her head to let a few stray strands flip over her eyes. "I'm just thinking how beautiful she was. You know, Hilly. That's why I changed! I couldn't go another second without seeing her. Now, all I have to do is look in a mirror. I won't see the ugly bald head with a gap in his front teeth, 40-year-old head. I'll see my true soul mate!"
Kryten actually almost rolled his eyes, as he pulled out his scanner, though he didn't know what she was talking about. He remembered Holly used to be a guy before he crashed on Lister's space bike, but once he had gotten back, he thought it wasn't his place to ask why he became a she. "How did you possibly manage to get an emotion sucked out, Holly!"
Holly tilted her head to one side, the closest she could get to a shrug. "It didn't even take the kind of emotions it usually does! You're missing...delusion."
Holly put on a pout at Kryten's revealed truth. "I felt left out. I wanted to be a part of the action, too. I genius-ly reprogrammed myself to throw away that emotion in my 'trash' folder." At the unbelieving looks of the others, she rolled her eyes in defeat. "Okay, so I sort of bumped my main circuit board around until one of the skutters helped me figure out how. I'm a Dwarfer, too!" With a huff, she disappeared, her voice echoing back to them. "Oh, and by the way. Before you started insulting me and stuff, I was going to tell you that the Suckstery was heading your way!"
As the others were processing this new important bit of information, Rimmer started stirring.
"Argh..."
"How are you feeling Mr. Rimmer, sir?" Kryten asked, wringing his fingers. He wanted to help him sit up, but Rimmer being a hologram made it impossible.
"What kind of question is that!" Rimmer asked venomously, brushing off his shirt. Looking down, he nearly jumped out of his skin to see emerald green instead of the dull brown regulation outfit.
"What the smeg!"
Kryten held up the box the light bee had came from, saying, "The outfit came with the new light bee. The hologram simulation suite that Holly projects you with, blew up. Now, you're running on that, which means you can leave the ship without the cage."
"Oh...kaaaay." Rimmer mocked, standing up. "Did you kill it?"
Lister shook his head. "Nah, the thing got away. We'll never find it. It's useless, now!"
Rimmer and Kryten shared a knowing look, as Cat continued to sleep. "He lost an emotion."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?"
Rimmer cleared his throat, wanting to move the conversation along. "So, are we going to go find and kill it, or are we going to sit around and have a tea party!"
Cat jerked awake, whispering, "Did somebody say 'me'?"
Rimmer rolled his eyes, muttering accusingly, "Does everything have to revolve around you?"
"Of course!"
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It was agreed to leave Lister behind, since he was going hysterical that they were all going to die, and pot noodles were going to team up with sprouts to take over the universe. Kryten rounded a corner right outside medi-bay with Cat and Rimmer behind him, and ran right into the Suckstery. It wasted no time in sucking something out of Kryten, then turned to scuttle away. Rimmer cowered away, as Cat started shooting the air around the Suckstery, trying hard to hit it. It dodged around the shots, and zoomed to the next corridor, pausing only a second to...stick its tongue out.
"Can it even do that?" Rimmer asked Cat, who shrugged. Kryten moaned on the floor, trying to take out his scanner. "It melted my circuits. It took away my...my...the thing that helps me know all the answers!"
"What...your smartness!" Rimmer asked disbelievingly.
"Uh...maybe. I think so. I don't know." Kryten said, trying hard to think of the right words to say. "Permission to faint now, ma'ams." Kryten didn't wait for an answer, as he fell back against the grate floor.
"Can that Suckstery do that to the head-that-went-wrong-on-Mount-Rushmore!" Cat asked Rimmer in turn.
Now it was all up to Rimmer and Cat. Oh dear.
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He-He! I got the idea of Rimmer and Cat teaming up from Zombie Kitty's wonderful story, "Trying Times"! I LOVE that story, and those two characters all alone just crack me up! I was thinking about something I can suck out of Kryten that would be different than in 'Polymorph', and that's what probably slowed me down. I hope that made sense, and you guys are still reading this little old story of mine!