The Not-So-Great Escape

"Come on, come on," Rutherford whispered to himself while poking at his implant. "Yes." He grinned seeing the desired frequency reading finally show up on his optic display. Rutherford subtly tore off a sliver from one of his fingernails and tried casually tossing it outside the containment circle only for it to be vaporized by the force field. "Aw, man."

"Ohhh, what happened?" Mariner groaned slowly fluttering open her eyes. "Ugh, this is the third worst hangover I've ever had."

"Mariner! You're awake!" Rutherford smiled happily.

"Shhh, not so loud. You're hurting my brain," Mariner moaned sluggishly sitting up. She noticed Stevens' unconscious form lying next to her. "Eh, I've woken up next to worse."

"You received quite a beating from being forced to fight the Jem'Hadar," Rutherford reminded. "Tendi patched you up as best she could. How are you feeling?"

"Like I just got back from a week-long shore leave on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet and not in a fun way," Mariner winced. "Where is Tendi anyway? I could sure go for some more of those sweet, mind-numbing painkillers right about now."

"The Jem'Hadar took her away over half an hour ago," Rutherford looked very worried. "Boimler's still gone too. I don't know what's happened to them."

"What?" Mariner yelped spinning towards him before holding her head in pain. "Ugh, okay. Stay calm. Boims and Tendi are tough. They'll be alright. Oh, what am I saying? They're doomed!"

"Oh no!" Rutherford cried leaping to his feet. "Tendi! Boimler! Where are you?"

"Quiet," One of the three Jem'Hadar guards fixed him with a look. "Or you will receive punishment…" The door to the detention area suddenly opened without anyone coming through. The guards turned and cautiously raised their weapons.

"What's going on?" Mariner whispered to Rutherford. "See anything?"

"Nope," Rutherford replied quietly as one of the Jem'Hadar stepped to the door and cautiously checked the corridor.

"The corridor is empty," The guard stated stepping back into the room.

"Must be a malfunction," Another Jem'Hadar snorted lowering his weapon. "Better report it."

"Agreed," The first Jem'Hadar nodded and attempted to activate his communicator. "Sixth Radek'ekan to…heh…to…" He started to chuckle. "Sixth Radek…ha, ha, ha!"

"Uh, what's going on?" Rutherford blinked as the other guards began to chortle before breaking out into full-throated guffaws.

"I dunno, but I really hope they stop," Mariner gulped as the three Jem'Hadar proceeded to laugh and giggle uncontrollably. "Dude, this is seriously creeping me out!"

"Hi guys!" Tendi smiled entering the room wearing a breathing mask and carrying a large, loaded supply pack.

"Tendi!" Rutherford gasped in delight. "You're alive!"

"Of course I'm alive," Tendi said quickly pressing a hypospray into each of the hysterical Jem'Hadar. They immediately collapsed to the floor. "Are you two able to move?"

"You bet we are," Mariner said getting to her feet. "Hurry up and get us outta these things."

"Right," Tendi unslung her pack and pulled out more breathing masks. "Hold your breath and put these on once I deactivate the force fields."

"Okey-dokey," Rutherford nodded. "But what are they for? And what happened to you?"

"Oh, I was brought to the Alcatraz and forced to fly a squad of Jem'Hadar around while scanning for additional Starfleet signatures," Tendi explained as she managed to lower the containment circles' force fields. "Didn't find any unfortunately."

"The Jem'Hadar had you pilot the shuttle?" Mariner gawked in shock after she and Rutherford quickly slipped on their masks. "Did they have a death wish or something?"

"Not at first, but they all did seem to be praying for death near the end," Tendi shrugged placing a breathing mask on Stevens. "That is before they all apparently passed out from fear. Can you imagine that?"

"If it was anyone else piloting the shuttle, no," Mariner told her. "With you, absolutely!"

"Anyway, once I realized they were all completely incapacitated I shot them full of sedatives from the Alcatraz's remaining medical supplies," Tendi went on. "Then I flew the shuttlecraft into high orbit and launched a distress beacon."

"Good idea," Rutherford nodded. "But why didn't you fly and alert the Cerritos yourself?"

"Yeah, with the way you fly you could've rendezvoused with them in five minutes," Mariner quipped. "Ten tops."

"And leave the rest of you guys behind? Never!" Tendi determinedly shook her head. "I landed the shuttlecraft outside one of the entrances and quickly made my way back in."

"You fought your way through an entire base full of Jem'Hadar just to rescue us?" Mariner was stunned.

"Not exactly," Tendi whistled. "Before I landed, I tried scanning the area as best I could and found a large pocket of pure nitrous oxide running parallel to one of the extinct lava tubes. So, I used a few phasers to reach the pocket and have it leak into the base to help neutralize any Jem'Hadar."

"Wait a second," Rutheford did a take. "You're saying you flooded the entire base with a bunch of concentrated laughing gas?"

"Well, I wouldn't say the entire base," Tendi corrected. "There might be a few isolated rooms that will remain unaffected, but the gas seems to work pretty well. All the Jem'Hadar I ran into were busy laughing their heads off. I didn't know Jem'Hadar could laugh."

"I wish I didn't," Mariner shuddered. "That image alone is enough to give me nightmares for years."

"Anyway, I hypoed all the laughing Jem'Hadar I encountered with sedatives for when the nitrous oxide wore off," Tendi finished. "I wasn't sure the gas would succeed in spreading through the entire base and its effects will probably be wearing off soon."

"Then it's past time we got ourselves outta here," Mariner declared. "Hand me a phaser will ya? I got a few scores to settle with these guys!"

"Sorry. All out," Tendi informed her. "I used them all to drill through the side of the lava tube and reach the pocket of laughing gas."

"Figures," Mariner rolled her eyes and picked up a fallen Jem'Hadar rifle instead. "C'mon, we gotta go find Boims."

"Already have," Rutherford said having retrieved a tricorder from Tendi's pack. "I'm detecting a faint human lifesign. It seems to be originating from about sixty meters that way."

"Great. Let's move out!" Mariner declared as Tendi and Rutherford picked up Stevens and quickly followed her out of the room. "But before we do that, locate the nearest waste extraction unit. I really need to use it!"

"Stop! You can't torture me!" Boimler protested watching Valiawen wield her knife. "You told me earlier that's barbaric!"

"Don't worry. I'm not going to torture you," Valiawen assured him.

"Thank goodness," Boimler sighed in relief.

"One of the Jem'Hadar is going to torture you," Valiawen said casually. "They are much better suited for this kind of work."

"On the other hand," Boimler blanched.

"Valiawen to Squad Two," Valiawen tapped her wrist communicator. "Report to my office immediately…"

"Hahahahaha!" A burst of wild hoots and cackles roared over the comm.

"Huh?" Valiawen blinked doing a take. "What is going on out there? First, is that you? Are you laughing? Answer me!"

"O-kay," Boimler felt a series of shivers run up and down his spine. "Laughing Jem'Hadar. Now I've heard everything."

"First? Second? Third? Anyone?" Valiawen pressed only to be answered by more laughter. "Ugh, never mind!" She closed the channel. "There must have been a contaminant or something in the last issued round of white. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to do this myself."

"Uh, you really don't have to do that," Boimler gulped and began to sweat. "Better to leave stuff like this to the professionals, am I right?"

"I'm sure I will be able to muddle my way through," Valiawen stood directly in front of him and straddled his legs. "Let's start by getting some of this surprisingly soft and silky purple hair out of the way…"

"No! Not the hair!" Boimler yelped as Valiawen leaned forward and grabbed a fistful of hair on the back of his head.

"Aha!" Mariner burst into the room brandishing her rifle. "Don't worry, Boims! I'll save ya…WHAT THE HECK?!"

"Mariner! Thank goodness!" Boimler gasped looking over Valiawen's shoulder. He then realized the female Vorta was practically sitting in his lap while leaning forward with her face and lips just inches from his. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like!"

"IT BETTER THE HECK NOT BE!" Mariner yelled aiming her rifle.

BWWWRZWH!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Boimler shrieked as a sizzling energy bolt flew past just barely missing his head. Valiawen swiftly dove out of the way and hid behind her desk. "Are you crazy?! You nearly hit me!"

"What makes you think I wasn't trying?" Mariner snapped. "I don't believe this! I was busy getting the stuffing beat outta me and here you are making out and fraternizing with the enemy!"

"I was not!" Boimler protested. "More like the complete opposite!"

"Shut up! You don't get to talk!" Mariner screamed in fury. "I know you're still sore about your past breakup with Barbara, but to hook up with some lean, leggy, surprisingly hot Vorta floozy…"

"I'm not a floozy!" Valiawen shouted flinging her empty plate at Mariner. "Whatever that is!"

"Hey!" Mariner yelled ducking her head. Valiawen used her distraction to bolt and quickly dash out the door. "YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!"

"Mariner, you got it all wrong!" Boimler tried to get her attention. "I've been held prisoner here just like you. She was going to torture me! See how I'm secured to the chair?"

"That's what you said the time I found you fooling around on the holodeck! I didn't believe ya then either!" Mariner turned her back on him as Tendi and Rutherford staggered into the room with Stevens. "Nice job guarding the door, you two. You let that slinky Vorta get away!"

"Sorry. We were watching the corridor for people trying to get in," Rutherford said as he and Tendi set Stevens down. "Not people trying to get out."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever," Mariner rolled her eyes throwing Boimler a look of contempt. "Let's bail this jumja stand. We can leave Brain-Dead Boimler here behind."

"Wait! We can't leave yet," Boimler protested as Tendi slipped a breathing mask over his face.

"Are you serious?" Mariner threw up her hands in exasperation. "I know you're desperate to get a new girlfriend, but really…"

"It's not that," Boimler glared back while Tendi worked to free him from his restraints. "There are half a dozen missiles armed with ninety isoton warheads being prepped for launch right now. At least one of them is being readied to self-destruct this depot while the rest are being aimed to hit Tellar!"

"What?" Rutherford gasped in horror. "That's horrible!"

"Eh, it's not that bad," Mariner shrugged. "This is Tellar we're talking about. At least it would stop them from producing any more of their awful polka music. Heck, it'd probably even bump people's opinion of the Dominion up a few notches."

"But why?" Tendi asked cutting through the last restraints with an exoscalpel.

"I'll explain later. Right now, we have to stop those missiles," Boimler rubbed his wrists while glancing at the computer screens. "Good, the Vorta's still signed in. The interface for the missiles is up right now. Rutherford, how's your Dominionese?"

"Pretty much nonexistent," Rutherford admitted moved to the computer. "But my implant does have a universal translation matrix. Plus Math and Engineering displays are fairly universal. I should be able to figure it out. Theoretically…"

"Just do what you can," Boimler urged. "Find a way to disarm the missiles or prevent them from reaching their targets. Preferably without blowing us up in the process!"

"Okey-dokey!" Rutherford grinned getting to work.

"So, you gonna start telling us what all you've been up to since we've been busy trying to escape?" Mariner glared at Boimler. "Like why I caught you and that hot-lipped Vorta making out?"

"We weren't making out," Boimler defended. "There's a lot of backstory here. I'll give you the short version…"

"Wow," Tendi blinked after Boimler quickly finished filling them all in. "So, the Jem'Hadar and Vorta have been stranded, abandoned and presumed dead after losing two-thirds of their original group? That's terrible!"

"Yeah. Real sad. My heart bleeds for them," Mariner drawled sarcastically. "And if those same Jem'Hadar storm in here all our hearts will end up bleeding!"

"Thanks for putting that image into my head," Boimler groaned. "How's disarming the missiles coming, Rutherford?"

"I'm still working on it," Rutherford frowned in concentration. "I should have it in a few more minutes…" He was interrupted as the entire room suddenly shook violently. "Uh, what was that?"

"Uh oh," Tendi gulped showing them another tricorder she had taken out from her pack. "Um, you remember the extinct volcano this base was built into the side of? Turns out it's not so extinct anymore…"

"What?" Mariner yelled. "How is that possible?"

"Funny story," Tendi laughed nervously. "Turns out I accidently woke up the volcano after I ejected the Alcatraz's warp core while flying inside one of the other active volcanoes in the chain. I didn't think much of it at the time since the core was about to breach and it's not like the warp core is needed to fly the shuttlecraft into orbit anyway…"

"You what?!" Boimler gasped. "What were you doing flying inside an active volcano in the first place?!"

"To escape the fire storm I accidentally created after igniting part of the atmosphere," Tendi explained. "Which happened right after flying through the first series of active volcanoes with the Alcatraz…"

"I had to ask," Boimler groaned.

"Ouch," Mariner shuddered. "I actually pity the poor Jem'Hadar who ended up riding in a shuttle with you. Barely…"

"Anyway, looks like the exploding warp core triggered a chain reaction which woke up all the other volcanoes in the chain," Tendi went on studying her tricorder. "Which are now erupting and filling the old network of lava tubes with fresh superhot gases and tephra. Which will eventually pour through the Dominion depot's air ventilation network and end up reducing every living thing inside the base to ashes."

"So let me get this straight," Boimler attempted to summarize the situation. "All we have to do is escape a secret Dominion supply depot guarded by nearly a hundred Jem'Hadar who think the Dominion War is still going on, stop their devoted resolute Vorta from launching half a dozen cloaked weapons of mass destruction at one of the Federation's founding worlds or setting any of the said weapons of mass destruction off as a last dutiful act to self-destruct the depot, prevent ourselves from being roasted alive by the raging fire storm on the surface and the erupting clouds of hot gas and ash surging up from below."

He blinked for a moment. "Well, it's official. We're doomed!"