1 January 1643
Happy New Year! It snowed last night, and the moon was bright enough to make the snow glow softly. Karkat stayed up with me, and we toasted the new year with some of the wine I keep around. And then I went right to bed because it was late, and I was exhausted. Sometimes winter just makes me feel tired and slow, like I just want to sit around the fire and be warm. I suppose I can't blame my body for wanting to be warm these days! I'd swear it gets colder every year.
I went into the village and Mrs. Reese invited me over for Epiphany. I said yes, of course, but now I'm not sure if I should ask Karkat and Kankri if they want to come, too. They don't know the Reeses, and I don't know if the Reeses know them, but I don't want to exclude them from anything. Karkat and Kankri are my friends. I don't want to make them uncomfortable dragging them to spend so much time with people they don't know, but I also don't want to make them think I'm leaving them out. People have left me out of a lot of things. I don't want to do that to anyone else.
3 January 1643
I asked Karkat and Kankri today and they both said they'd like to come, so I'll ask Mrs. Reese tomorrow. I have no reason to think she'd say no, but I think it'd be polite to ask. I'd certainly like to know if there were going to be two more people if I was the one cooking.
I hope it doesn't snow too much. Clearing the path to the village is difficult at the best of times, and tromping home through two feet of snow at night can be less than fun.
6 January 1643
Of course it went just fine. Mr. and Mrs. Reese were delighted to have the Vantases over, too, and Karkat was very sweet with Anna. Anna's getting quite big! She's a real cutie. I like being with her, even if I'm not sure I want to have my own children. I like children, but I don't know if I want any. I hope Linny has children someday. I'd love to be an aunt to her children, and my friend's children. I think that would be lovely.
The food was delicious, of course, Mrs. Reese is an excellent cook. Kankri brought some of his apple bread and the Reeses said it was wonderful. I also brought the Yorkshire pudding how my mama made it, which is terrible for you but tastes wonderful. That's the way to be on holidays, I think. You should enjoy yourself.
I hope Linny's okay and having a good Epiphany. I worry about her.
8 January 1643
It was so very cold today. Even inside, I had to wrap myself up in blankets and stay close to the fire. Button spent the whole day curled up so close to the fire I was worried she'd burn. We didn't do much. Karkat and Kanrki seemed content to stay indoors and warm. I hope it doesn't get much colder.
10 January 1643
It wasn't quite as cold today, but it did snow. It must be at least a foot deep. Some of the drifts were three feet deep! I'm only about five feet tall, last I checked, so I thought I might fall right in. I guess it's good that I have some tall people in my home, although they're not much taller. I'd need someone like Sollux here to really push through those drifts.
I want to clear out the path to the graveyard, but the path to the village is more important. If people need me, or if I need to go into the village for something, that path should be easy to travel. And I don't want to keep Karkat and Kankri trapped here. I'll start on that tomorrow.
12 January 1643
The Vantases are helping me clear the path. I didn't want to ask them to, so they wouldn't feel like they had to, but when I was going outside with my shovel, Karkat asked me what I was doing.
"I'm going to clear the path into the village," I said.
"Alone?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
"Do you have another shovel?" he said.
"I think so. Why?" I asked.
"I can help," he said. "Kankri too. He's feeling a lot better."
"Oh. That would be nice. Thank you,." I said.
"Let me just put on my boots," Karkat said, and he was off before I could say anything else. He shouted to his brother, then went to the front door while I looked for the other shovels. There are three, actually, in the closet by under the stairs, next to the crib. Kankri came down the stairs a second later, put on his boots, and we all went outside to clear the path. We didn't make it all the way, but we made good progress. I hope it's enough for now. We'll clear the rest over the next few days.
14 January 1643
We finally made it to the village today, and as we were walking back with the shovels it started snowing again. Of course it did. I feel like Sisyphus, digging out the snow and watching it fall back into the nice path I just cleared. Oh well. It can't get too much worse, and at least we've made some progress. The snow won't last forever. Someday the sun will melt it.
16 January 1643
I went to clear the path to the graveyard today, and Karkat saw me leaving with the shovel again and asked if he could help. I felt odd.
"I'm clearing the path to the graveyard," I said. "You don't thave to help. It's just for me."
"I'd like to," he said, and he went to put on his boots.
It was kind of him. We didn't talk while we shoveled. We weren't going especially fast, but we made it to the graveyard since it's a narrower path and much closer to the village. Karkat didn't seem to have anything to say about it, until we were in the clearing.
"Who's buried here?" he asked.
"My mother and her family," I said.
"Oh," he said.
"She wanted to be with her husband," I said. "And he was illegitimate, so he was buried here. She was the last one of her family alive, until she had us."
"Oh," he said, again. "I'm worry."
"Don't be sorry," I said. "We had a good life with her. She was the best mother we could've hoped for."
"I wish I knew my mother," Karkat said.
"I'm sorry," I said.
He shrugged. "I guess. I never even knew her, so it's not like I can miss her. But it would've been nice. Our father…I don't know."
"I never had a father," I said. "I don't remember my blood father at all."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Family is hard," I said.
He nodded.
I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I said, "Maybe we should head back. It's cold."
"Yeah," he agreed.
"Thanks for the help," I said.
"Any time," he said, and we walked back together. It was nice to have the help. I can go back another time and talk to Mama. This time, it was kind of nice not to be alone.
18 January 1643
Equius came to see me today! He couldn't last week, because of all the snow, but today the path was clear.
"I did try," he said. "The snow was very deep."
"I know," I said. "I'm glad you didn't get too far. You could've gotten stuck."
He nodded. "I am glad you're alright. It was awfully cold for a few days."
"We were alright," I said. "I always have a lot of firewood stored up in the winter. How has school been?"
He told me about his latest work, a library. He told me he wanted it to be open and bright and comfortable, somewhere you could sit and read all day long. He gets a spark in his eyes when he tells me about these things. He doesn't always talk much, but when he's drawing these buildings and coming up with new ideas, he can hardly stop. I like listening to it. He listens to me when I talk about the plants and animals, and I listen to him when he talks about building.
We had tea and I walked him back down the path to village, just in case it needed more clearing, and because I like talking to him. It's always good to see Equius. I hope he has a good week at school.
20 January 1643
I wrote my sister today. I told her that I love her and I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I hope it's soon. I hope I see her before the next Christmas, before our next birthday month. I know she's hurting and I want better for her. She's my sister and I love her.
I think Button could tell that I was upset, because she came to sit next to me on the couch and cuddle. She purred for me when I pet her and made sure to herd me into bed on time. Button's just a cat, but she's very sweet and she cares about me. It's funny to think that. She cares about me in her own cat way.
22 January 1643
It snowed again, and today Karkat asked for my help clearing the path to the village.
"Of course," I said. "It shouldn't be too bad today. Do you need something?"
"Um," he said, and then paused.
"I didn't mean to pry," I said, in case he didn't want to say.
"It's fine. I was just thinking…I'd go to my father's grave."
"Oh," I said. "Of course. Let's get started."
We didn't talk much more, but of course I helped him. He only lost his father a few months ago. The least I can do is help him see his father's grave.
24 January 1643
Equius came over today for tea, and to practice shooting. It was cold, so we weren't outside for long, but for that hour or so he shot very well!
"When do you finish school?" I asked.
"I believe about two more years," he said. "Then I will go to work for another architect and learn under him, until I am skilled enough to work on my own."
"So you'd have to keep living in the city?" I asked. I always hoped he'd be back in the village someday.
"I do not believe so," he said. "I'll be able to work from home, and travel into the city only sometimes." He didn't say anything for a moment, then, "I do not want to live in the city."
"Really?" I asked.
He nodded. "It is…loud. Crowded. Everyone is in such a hurry. I find it…stressful."
Our minds are similar that way. We're a bit different from everyone else, he and I. I couldn't live in the city, either, I don't think.
"At any rate, I'd prefer to live here," he said. "I would not want to spend my entire life living so far from my family, or from you."
"I'd miss you if you moved to the city," I said. "But I'm so glad you're enjoying school."
He smiled. "I am," he said, and then he told me more about how he's learning about arches. I'm glad he chose to go to school. I think it makes him very happy.
26 January 1643
I think Kankri is back to himself. He doesn't look hungry anymore, and he was strong enough to help clear the snow. He's still not saying much, though, and I'm not sure why. Maybe he never talked as much as Linny said he did, or he's changed. I hope he doesn't feel uncomfortable here. I can't imagine how it feels to have nowhere to go. It must be so frightening. I'm worried he's staying here because he has nowhere else to go.
I wish Mama or Meulin were here. They'd know how to ask these things politely, without making it worse. I never know. I'm always worried I've ruined everything, even when people tell me I haven't. I guess I'll just have to do my best.
28 January 1643
Today I started teaching Karkat and Kankri to read. Mama had these cards she wrote with letters and words and pictures, so I started with those, and I read a book to them. Mama said it's important that someone reads to you while you're learning, and she read to me.
I wasn't sure what book to pick. I settled on one of my old favorites–an adventure story I've always liked. Linny and I used to read that story together.
I don't know how much it helped. It takes time to learn to read when you're young, and that's when it's easy. I've never taught anyone to read before. I hope I can do it!
30 January 1643
I finally got a letter back from my sister. She told me she will come home to me, and it will be soon. She told me she misses me and she's going to see me soon. But she also told me that she can't hear anymore, hardly a thing. She said she can hear a little bit out of her left ear, but not much at all. She didn't tell me how it happened, and I'm terribly afraid that her husband did it to her. If she'd been sick she would've said that, or if she'd had an accident. But she didn't say anything, and it was like she was avoiding it.
I'm nervous. What on Earth could've happened that would've made her lose her hearing? I can't help but worry about her.
2 February 1643
I went for a walk today to the creek. I haven't been to the pond in a long time, and I miss it. I should go back there sometime. There's something about the cold water from the spring in that little pond almost no one else knows about. There's not much point walking to the pond this time of year. The water still bubbles up, but the creek and pond still mostly freeze. I could skate on the river right now, I'm sure, with how cold it is.
I'll go back in the spring, when it's warmer and the river runs high. Maybe by then Linny will be back and we can walk there together.
4 February 1643
Karkat is awfully fidgety. He keeps asking me if there's anything he can fix around the house, or any other way he can help. It's winter, so there's not much to do. I told him he can fix up anything he sees that's broken, and he can help me with the chores.
I should go into the village soon. I should greet the Portlands and the Reeses and all my other friends, and check to make sure no one is sick and needs help, and buy milk and flour, and talk to Mrs. Arthur about dyeing some of the yarn I've spun.
When did I become this grown up? My goodness, it feels like just yesterday I was playing in the woods with my sister, making crowns of flowers and pretending we were fairies. Now I'm visiting with friends and running errands in the village. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
6 February 1643
People are sick, but there's not much I can do other than give them willow and chamomile for the pain. I have my mother's book, but there's much more to this work than just reading a book. There hasn't been another outbreak of smallpox, though, so things could be much worse. I remember having smallpox. It was awful.
I saw Mrs. Portland and invited her and Mr. Portland over for dinner next week. I'll have to make a nice stew for them, and maybe I can ask Kankri to make a fancy bread. He is quite a talented baker. It's funny how everyone's good at different things. I was always better at gardening than Linny, and she was always better at the midwife's work.
Mama used to say that's what makes the world go 'round. I think she's right.
8 February 1643
Equius came to visit today. It's not warm, but it's not so cold my fingers will freeze without gloves, so we went shooting. I still don't understand why his father wouldn't teach him. The noblemen love to hunt. But then, there is an awful lot I don't understand about Mr. Zahhak. He straddles a strange line, caring for Linny and me while having the power he does. I don't understand people, but I especially don't understand Equius's father.
I understand Equius, though. He's a good man with a good heart. He's odd, like me, and when we talk I feel like I belong. It's good to belong somewhere.
10 February 1643
Another snow last night. Karkat and I cleared the path to the village together today. I didn't want to ask, or mean to, but when I went for the shovel, Karkat went to grab one too. Before I could say anything, tell him he didn't have to help me, he said, "Just the path to the village?"
"Um, yes. That would be nice," I said.
"Alright. Hold on, I'll get my boots on," he said.
I hardly knew what to say. "Thank you," I said. "You don't have to do this, though."
"I mean, I'm living here, and I have to get into the village too," he said practically. He shrugged and looked away. I'm not sure, but I think he was pretending that it was nothing when it wasn't. He doesn't say things like directly, I don't think. Instead, he helps me shovel before I can ask.
12 February 1643
I got another letter from my sister. I'm glad she's writing more often, but her tone still worries me. She's not well. I hope that the more frequent letters are a good sign, though. She stopped writing when things were bad; maybe when she writes more, it means things are good.
I wrote her back, of course. I realized I hadn't mentioned that the Vantases are living here, so I told her about that and how I've been teaching them to read. She knows what reading means to me, so she'll understand why I'm doing it. She was teaching Porrim and some of my other friends before she got married.
The Portlands came for dinner tonight. I introduced the Vantases, and everyone seemed to get along alright. Kankri made a bread with herbs and onions, and I made a good stew, and I think it was all quite good! It was good to talk to the Portlands, too. Mrs. Portland has been working on a lovely quilt, and Mr. Portland told us about his adventures as a younger man at the bakery. It's funny to hear a man with white hair and wrinkles from laughing talk about all the things he did wrong as a young person. I know that everyone was young once, but it's still so odd!
14 February 1643
Equius came over today with exciting news–Annes is pregnant! They aren't telling most people yet, because of course it's still early. It's still very exciting! Equius is looking forward to being an uncle, although he told me he's nervous.
"I have not been around many children," he said. "I am not sure what I'd do."
"Well, when they're very small, all you need to do is sound kind," I said. "They hardly understand what you're saying. As long as you talk to them, they like it."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"I am," I said. "They're less fragile than you think. I mean, you shouldn't drop them, but Mama told me that babies aren't so breakable."
"My goodness," he said. "I hope that's true. My brother's child…I cannot do this wrong."
"As long as you love the baby, they'll be alright," I said. "That's the most important thing."
He nodded. "I think you are right. It is the most important thing for a child–to know they are loved and cared for."
I nodded. Everything changed for me, and for my sister, as soon as our mama took us in, because she loved us. Horuss and Annes's child will be so loved, and so they'll be alright.
16 February 1643
I went to Mama's grave today. I asked her to ask God to help Linny. I wish Mama was still here. I know she'd know what to say to help Meulin feel better, how to help her come home. And besides that, I miss her. I feel like an adult now in a lot of ways, but there are days when I just want to ask for a hug or a warm cup of tea. She was my mother. I just miss her so much.
I thought it would get better over time, that it would hurt less. I don't think about it as much as I used to, but whenever I think of her it hurts. I don't think the grief ever really goes away. I think I just have to learn to live with it.
18 February 1643
I went into the village today to see my friends. I realized it's been a couple of weeks since I'd been to visit them. Life just gets in the way, I suppose. I was getting ready to go when Karkat noticed and asked if I was going to shovel again. I told him I was just going into the village to see friends, and he was welcome to come as well.
So we went to the village together and had tea with Kanaya and Tavros and Aradia. (Terezi wasn't there because she's still at school.) Aradia said her family is looking forward to spring, although they've been plenty warm enough. They will for sure have a new home by next winter, and I'm glad. Karkat said that the men building are going to start her family's home in March. I'm looking forward to it! I'm sure their home will be wonderful.
Kanaya's been doing quite well. She showed me a pair of mittens she was working on with some gorgeous colorwork. She's a very talented knitter. She asked if I might do some needlepoint on her clothes, and I said of course. She said she'd bring some over.
Tavros said his family's cows are doing well. He still can't very well chase after the bull, but there's plenty he can do on the farm. He didn't mention Vriska. She's going to turn twenty in November, and as far as anybody knows, she's really going to leave for the high seas. It's strange to think about someone I've known my whole life just leaving. My sister left, but I always knew she'd come back. If Vriska leaves, she might never come back. And I…don't know how I feel about that. I'm not sure I ever will. I don't like Vriska, but I don't wish ill on her. How will I feel when I know she might never come back?
20 February 1643
I miss Terezi. Ever since I went to see my friends, I keep thinking about how it was when we were younger and didn't have to be adults just yet. Is that something we lose when we grow up? Or is it just harder? I love my friends. Is it just that I have to try harder now?
There are a lot of things I don't understand about being an adult. Maybe this is one of them.
21 February 1643
Equius came over today, completely full of excitement. He said that at school this week, one of his teachers praised his work highly and hinted that he might be offered a position with that man someday! I'm so proud of him. He's worked so hard, and he's so good at what he does. I've seen his drawings–they're incredible. My best friend is incredible.
I didn't tell him this, because I don't want to ruin his excitement (and because I am very happy for him!) but I'm a little worried he'll move to the city for good, once he's done with school. I know he said he doesn't want to, but what if he's offered something so wonderful for his education? I want what's best for him, but I don't want to lose him.
23 February 1643
I got another letter from my sister today. I'm always jumpier after I get a letter from her. I think Karkat has noticed that I get nervous, but today Kankri did, too.
"Nepeta?" he asked, while I was staring at the letter at the kitchen table.
"Yes?" I said.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked.
"I…I suppose," I said. "My sister wrote. I'm just…worried about her."
"I see," he said. He didn't say anything for a long moment, then he said, "I am certain she will be alright. Your sister is a very strong person."
"Thanks," I said.
"Of course," he said.
He made apple bread for after dinner. I wonder if he did it because I was upset. I hope he didn't put himself out just because I'm worried. He has enough to worry about.
25 February 1643
With the snowdrops blooming, and spring coming, I feel like I should talk to Karkat and Kankri. I don't want to make them move out, and I don't want to force them to stay here. I'm not sure how to say it, though. I just want to tell them the option is there for them, to leave my home, without making them think I want it to go one way or another.
Maybe I'll ask Equius about it. Part of me doesn't want the Vantases to leave. I like living with other people again, as long as I can go back to my own room. I'm also worried about what they'll do next, where they'd live and all that. But part of me really did enjoy living alone, and it was nice not supporting more people for a little while. I don't know. It's confusing.
27 February 1643
One more cold snap, of course. I feel like every time you're sure it's time for spring, there's one more day so cold you can hardly go outside. Huddling inside around the fire, I taught Karkat and Kankri more about how to read. Kankri focuses so hard when I show them, like he can just absorb the words off the page. I asked him, and he said, "I wish to read the books I have always heard referenced, and understand what the authors were trying to tell us. The great philosophers had many fascinating ideas. I should like to study them, especially since so many people base their lives around them. I suspect a great many people claim to have read these books so that they might look more intelligent than they are, and I think that is deplorable. I would much prefer to be informed in my debates with people."
"I see," I said. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I understood suddenly what Linny meant when she said he talked too much. He's definitely concerned about sounding intelligent, but it's hard to tell what's underneath.
"Yeah, alright," Karkat said. "Let's get back to our letters before you start reading some dead old fuck, alright?"
Kankri bristled, but let us go on to the next set of cards. He is certainly concerned with looking smart. I hope there is something underneath.
1 March 1643
I got a letter from my sister today. Her letters lately have been brief, but they're not like the ones I was getting when Kurloz was stopping her mail. Everytime I think about that I get angry all over again. I can't think of a single good reason he'd do that. Meulin always tries to defend him, because she loves (loved?) him, but I won't. He can die in a dungeon for that.
I could tell I was fuming around the house and making Button worried about me, so I went hunting to use up some of my energy. I didn't catch much. I'm not a good hunter when I'm like this. But going out in the cold at least calmed me down enough that I'm not about to scream anymore.
3 March 1643
Apparently Karkat could also tell I was upset, because today he asked me while I was getting ready to go out hunting, "Is everything alright?"
"Yes."
"You were…pretty mad a couple of days ago. If you don't want to teach us to read that's fine. Or if you want us to leave. It's…fine, we'll be fine." He's never been the sort of person to sit still, but he was fidgeting all over the place.
"You don't have to leave, and I like teaching you to read," I said. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you."
"Then what's the problem?"
I wasn't sure what to say. I don't want to tell Linny's secrets, but I do want to talk about this.
"It's just…we found out about a year ago that my sister's husband was keeping her letters from getting to me, and mine from getting to her. Every time I get a letter from her I remember that, and I get angry again," I said.
"What the fuck?" Karkat said, his eyes about to pop out of his head. "Stopping her letters? Seriously?"
I nodded and said, "We worked something out. She can write to me now."
"That's really fucked up," he said.
"I know that. It's Meulin who needs convincing," I said.
"You said she was coming back soon," he said.
"She is," I said. "But I don't think she knows how bad it is."
"Shit," Karkat said, half to himself.
"Don't tell anyone," I said. "If it got back to him, it could be bad for my sister."
"I won't," he said. "I promise."
"Thanks," I said, and I went out to hunt. I had to be alone for a little bit.
5 March 1642
I really hope Equius can spend both days of his weekend with me. My heart feels like it's going to burst. I want to tell him everything. I'm so worried for my sister, and I'm scared she won't come home and I'll never see her again, but I'm angry with her too. She left me alone when I was only sixteen and she keeps forgiving him! Can't she see that he doesn't deserve it? She makes excuses for him that he doesn't deserve and she justifies the terrible things he does and sometimes it makes me so angry I want to scream.
I guess I know that I'm not being fair to her. Tavros made excuses for Vriska, and even our mama sometimes made excuses for her mother. I know it's more complicated than that. I know she can't just walk away. I'll never tell her any of this. But I am frustrated.
7 March 1643
Equius came over today, and while we were walking around the woods I just spilled out everything. "I'm just so tired," I finally said.
"My goodness," he said, quietly. "Nepeta, you are carrying an enormous weight. It's no wonder you are tired."
"I'm being so mean to my own sister," I said. "It's not fair."
"Are you telling her these things?" he asked, and I shook my head. "Then you need not worry. Your thoughts are your own."
"I guess," I said. "But I don't want to lash out at her when she's back home. It'll be the last thing she needs."
"You can always talk to me," he said. "I know things are difficult, but please remember that I am here for you."
"I don't want to be angry with you!" I said.
"No, I mean–you can always express your anger to me. Tell me, so that you can tell someone without being cruel to your sister."
I nodded. "I–yes. Thank you. I'm so scared for her," I said.
"I know. I'm sorry," he said, and he reached out to take my hand. It helped. I know Equius is here for me and no matter how things turn out, I can trust him.
9 March 1643
I did more reading lessons today with Kankri and Karkat. Kankri is working hard at it. He gets this look in his eyes when he looks at the cards, and he stares so hard at the books I read aloud I think he'll burn a hole through the pages. I think I understand. Reading means a lot to me, and writing even more. I can hardly imagine life without keeping a journal, or reading books. And something we have in common is that we do not command the respect of everyone in the village. While it's not as bad for the daughter and sister of a midwife, I had to earn respect with my hunting. I think Kankri at least hopes to win respect as an illegitimate child with his intelligence.
Karkat acts like he doesn't care as much, but I suspect he does. He doesn't say it, and I can't be sure, but he looks at the cards and the books like his brother does sometimes. Maybe I'm getting better at understanding people.
11 March 1643
The flowers are blooming. I went for a walk today and took notes in my book to keep track of which plants were in bloom and when. I checked back and it does seem like they're starting a little later this year than they did when I was young and first taking these notes. I hope the harvest is enough this year.
The pine tree in its pot is almost ready to go into the clearing, I think. I'll need to wait for the ground to thaw before I move it, though.
13 March 1643
Another letter from Meulin today. She told me that she gave up another baby. I'm glad she's not going to have a child with Kurloz, but I know it hurts and I know she wants children. She said she misses the babies she couldn't have.
I'll grieve with her, someday. When she's back with me, we'll cry together for the babies she couldn't have, and we'll prepare for the baby she will have someday. We were adopted. I know that if Linny can't give birth to her own children, she would gladly take in an orphan or runaway. Even if she does have her own, neither of us could turn away a hungry child.
15 March 1643
Equius came to see me today with good news. Apparently his brother heard a rumor that there was to be an upheaval in the Makara household, and there have been mutterings that the new Lady Makara can't have children. So it would seem that Kurloz might be preparing to send my sister away somehow. My goodness, I hope so. I hope it's soon.
"I know this has been extraordinarily difficult for you," Equius said kindly.
I nodded.
"Equally, I know that things will improve. This too shall pass," he added.
I nodded again, then asked, "Is your father well?"
"He has been lately," he said. "I think he is better when he has something to do, and he has been thinking about your sister much."
"Maybe he should take up hunting, or knitting," I said. "Both of those make me feel better."
"I doubt he would hunt," Equius said. "But perhaps I should try to persuade him to try knitting."
"Oh, right. I forgot he doesn't like shooting," I said.
"He does not," Equius agreed vehemently. "I have decided it best not to tell him you have taught me."
"You're breaking the rules!" I teased, poking him, and he sighed.
"Yes, I suppose I am," he said reluctantly. "Speaking of, shall we practice?"
"Let's," I said, so we went out to shoot at the target.
17 March 1643
Karkat offered to fix the fence around the vegetable garden today. It hasn't been maintained well in years, and I don't want the rabbits to have my harvest, so of course I told him yes. I'm not so worried about having enough wood with the weather warming up, and he's good at fixing things.
He set to it at once with a sort of determination I haven't seen often from him. I hope he doesn't think he owes me still. He and his brother are welcome here as long as they need or like.
19 March 1643
I saw Mrs. Reese in the village today with Anna and James. Anna is talking, but it's hard to figure out what she's saying. Her brother understands what she's saying, even if the rest of us don't! It was so sweet watching Anna chase after her brother. It reminded me of me when I was a little girl, pretending Linny was a witch and I was her cat familiar. She used to send me to find ingredients for her potions and I'd help her cast spells. I don't remember what the spells were supposed to do, if anything, but we had fun. James was playing at being a pirate, and I think Anna was his first mate (although since she's so small, she was mostly just following him around and sometimes saying "arr"). It was so cute.
Mrs. Reese laughed and agreed with me, and said that she's not looking forward to when they're old enough to really fight with each other. She asked me over for dinner next week, and of course I accepted. I asked if she would mind if I'd bring the Vantases along, and she said that would be fine. I'm not sure they'll want to come, but I'll ask.
21 March 1643
Equius was in town today. We went shooting, then had cups of warm tea inside. It's not all that warm out yet! He told me Annes is doing well, and Horuss has confessed that he's very excited for his new baby. I hope she has a safe and healthy pregnancy, and an easy delivery. He said that as soon as the baby is born he'll come let me know and I can meet the little one.
"I want you to be a presence in my nephew or niece's life," he said. "I want them to have many people who love them and can care for them."
"Of course," I said. "You're my family, and anyways, I like being around children."
"Do you want children?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I like being around children because they have so much imagination, and they're not afraid to act it out. I don't know if I'd like it so much if it was all the time." I don't know if I want children. I've thought about it on and off over the years, and I still don't know. I feel like I should be certain before I commit to have a child. It's a lot of work.
"I don't know myself," Equius admitted. "My brother must have children to carry on the family name. I have no such obligations, unless he fails to have a son, which seems unlikely."
"We still have time," I said. "We're only nineteen. No one's going to call me an old maid for at least five more years, and you have more than that."
"I suppose that's true," he said. "We are young yet."
I nodded my agreement, and we went back to our tea.
23 March 1642
Karkat and Kankri and I went to the Reese's home today for dinner. It was delicious, as always, and it was good to catch up with Mr. and Mrs. Reese. Mr. Reese was also concerned about the late thaw, like I am, and how it'd affect the growing season. Mrs. Reese has been going about her business as usual, and asked if I had any of the medicine my mother and sister used for headaches. I do, so I'll bring it to her tomorrow.
James asked me after dinner if I'd play pirates with him, so of course I said yes. He gave me a stick and told me it was a sword and we'd have to fight now. So we had a very dramatic swordfight, and in the end I "lost" and told him he was the best swordfighter on the seven seas. Anna mostly ran around us, poking my knees with her own "sword" when she thought of it. They're both so sweet. Mrs. Reese laughed aloud at my "death", and told me I was good with them. I'm glad she thinks so.
25 March 1643
Karkat asked me today why I'd play pretend with James and Anna.
"Why wouldn't I? They're fun," I said. "Sometimes I miss that sort of thing."
"It's childish," he said awkwardly, and I had the sense there was something he wasn't saying.
"I suppose," I said. "But I enjoyed being a child–for the most part. They had fun, and so did I."
"Don't you worry what people will think?" he asked.
"People have been talking about me my entire life," I said. "I know I'm different. Everyone knows it. Mrs. Reese said I was good with the little ones, and that's the important part."
He went red.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," he said. "Never mind. I'm going to work on the fence."
There was definitely more to it than that, but I didn't know what or how to ask about it. Sometimes people don't like it when I talk about how I'm different, so maybe it's that. I don't know.
28 March 1643
Equius was over today, but I was too nervous to do much. I got another letter from my sister and she just doesn't seem well. She hasn't in a long time, but this one especially…it just felt wrong. Equius could tell. He made tea for me and insisted I sit and rest. He even asked if he could stay and make me dinner. I declined, because I had lots of soup left over from last night, but also because I wanted some time to myself to think. What will I do if she gets much worse? What can I do? I can only pray that it's soon.
30 March 1643
My prayers have been answered.
It was getting on towards sunset and I was working in the kitchen when someone knocked on the door. People do that sometimes, looking for medicine, so I went to answer, but when I opened the door, it was my sister. She took a step inside, then fell to her knees.
"Linny?" I said.
"It's over, Kitty," she said, her voice broken and sad. "He left me. It's finally over." Before she could say anything, she started crying, so I kneeled down to hold her hands.
"Oh, Linny. Linny, Linny, it's alright, Linny," I said.
"Kitty, I–I–" she tried, but she could barely speak.
"Come in, Linny. I made dinner," I said. I helped her stand up and get to the sofa, and then I went for stew and bread. She ate them, but I could tell it was hard, and she didn't stop crying. She wasn't bawling anymore, but the tears were still coming.
She finally set the bowl aside and said, "Kitty, it's over. Finally over. I'm–I'm not going to–he won't–"
"He won't," I agreed. "It's over. You're safe here."
She looked at me with the saddest eyes and said, "I–He–I can't hear very well. Speak loudly, to my left ear."
"He's never going to hurt you again. Never ever," I said. "And no one's going to keep us apart, either."
More tears dripped from her eyes at that, and she just nodded. She seemed so listless and tired, so I said, "Go to bed, Linny. You look so tired. Your room's all the same."
"I am tired," she said distantly.
"I love you," I said, so she'd know.
"I love you too," she said, and she gave me the smallest smile before she went upstairs to bed.
After that, I got my own stew and sat at the kitchen table and stared off at nothing. My sister is home. She's going to be alright. But she is not alright now. She may not be for a long time. Our mama never really stopped missing her family, or hurting from what was done to her. I'll take care of Linny the rest of our lives if I have to, but I want her to get better. I want her to be happy again, and I don't know how to do that for her, if I even can.
It's over for her. Time to begin something new.