Chapter 3
In her dreams, Natsuki always chased after Shizuru. She would run and run, until her legs gave way, all the while yelling for Shizuru not to leave. In her dreams, Shizuru would turn around, with her usual smile and say that she would stay. In her dreams, Shizuru was still with her.
Dreams were not reality. Natsuki had come, with a bitter understanding, to accept this, even if it had taken six years. All the wishing in the world would never change what had happened. The time for false hopes and wanting were over. She had to grow up.
The phone on her desk rang suddenly, startling her. Fumbling on her desk and cursing, Natsuki rummaged through the stacks of papers and files, knocking things to the ground in search of the receiver. She found it on the fourth ring, buried under three legal pads and a handful of bills.
"Kuga." She barked into the phone. She sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck irritably. "Yes, Kuga Natsuki."
She stayed on the phone for at least ten minutes listening to the man on the other line explain his problem and jotting down various notes that she would probably inevitably lose later. When he was done, Natsuki hung up the phone and promptly buried her face into the mess on her desk.
She had been up since four, putting the finishing touches on a report she needed to turn in. Since then Natsuki hadn't been able to sleep at all. She didn't want to sleep. She hated dreaming. They were always the same dreams…always about…
Natsuki looked down at her desk in desperation. She needed to occupy herself. She needed to keep busy.
The potential client, Takasuka Akito, had just moved to Tokyo a few months ago with his family. There had been some sort of scandal involving tax fraud with the previous CEO of his company and having been appointed the successor, Takasuka wanted to make sure that the remainder of the accounting staff for his company was squeaky clean. He said he'd bring over their initial personnel files later today so she could begin doing extensive background checks.
It sounded like a boring job, but work was work. As long as it paid the bills, it was good. If nothing else, it kept her busy and free from indulging in useless thinking. She didn't need to think anymore. All she needed to do was keep moving forward. It was for the best.
After all, she was damned lucky to even have this job. For three months after her graduation, Natsuki had been a complete mess. She had spent every day cursing herself and wondering why she couldn't just get the nerve to go after…
Shaking her head, Natsuki stopped that thought as well. She wasn't going to think about it anymore. Her life was good now. Or at least far better than it could be. Sakomizu had been more than kind when he had told her to look up his friend Kirishima for a job and even bought Natsuki the train ticket to Tokyo.
As it turned out, Kirishima was an old detective, nearly 60, who laughed too little, smoked too much and was in desperate need of an extra hand. He was good at his job though, which had earned him his reputation as one of the best private detectives in the city. He hadn't cared that Natsuki was only eighteen and just out of high school, or even that she was a girl.
"Get me some damned cigarettes and be quick about it," was the only thing he had said when she had first walked into his office. Natsuki had liked the grumpy old bastard. He had a no-nonsense way about him that had suited her just fine. For three years after that, she had worked for him, doing errands and helping him with cases until he had finally decided to retire to Hokkaido.
He had left the agency in her hands, telling her that even if she was still a brat, she should do well enough on her own. Since she had earned her Private Investigator's license, he had left most of the cases up to her anyway.
Shaking herself out of her reverie, Natsuki realized suddenly that her office was a complete and utter mess. Kirishima had never cared about the state of his office, but she didn't have his reputation and needed to make a somewhat good impression. Takasuka was a wealthy businessman after all, and she did need the money. If he liked her well enough, he'd hire her again if his business needed other matters investigated. The phone rang again, giving Natsuki an excuse to put off thinking about cleaning up.
"Kuga." Two minutes later she hung up the phone, feeling quite pleased. Something had come up so Takasuka wouldn't be making it. He did however give her directions to where his home was and said she could stop by to pick up the personnel files. Not only did that mean she had a good excuse to leave the office, it meant she didn't have to clean.
Life was good. And if she told herself that enough times, Natsuki was sure that she'd eventually believe it.
---
People did not change. It might have taken Shizuru six years to realize this, but she finally had, accepted that she would never stop loving Natsuki. She could however, act out living a life in an illusion of perfect happiness.
Well it wasn't completely an illusion. Shizuru was happy with her life. She was happy with the façade she had almost effortless created. She happy with the fact that no one could see beyond the smile she wore. She was happy that she'd pushed every thought of Kuga Natsuki out of her mind. Until the day she read Natsuki's name in the newspaper.
Shizuru never really read the news. Nor did she watch the television or do anything of the like. She had moved to Tokyo at the will of her family. Yet the paper had been left out on the counter one day and as she picked it up to put it away, she had seen those five characters of Natsuki's name.
Shizuru hadn't been able to stop herself from reading the rest. Natsuki was apparently a detective now. The article wasn't anything big. Just a spotlight on the young, female detective who had taken over some reputed agency. She read the article five times. When she was done, she cut it out carefully and folded it neatly and hid it in her desk drawer.
After that, Shizuru had vowed once more to not think of Natsuki. She had other obligations to fulfill now. Other duties that took precedence over her twisted desires. Or so she kept telling herself.
Yet here she was, walking in front of the Kirishima Detective Agency. Or rather, not walking anymore but standing and staring. Shizuru felt her heart flutter in her chest when the door opened. She inhaled slowly, telling herself to calm down. Then Natsuki walked out and the world faded around her.
It was Natsuki. An older, matured Natsuki. But it was still Natsuki. Her body may have become older, her face more refined, but Shizuru could recognize that petulant frown anywhere. Insanity was slowly seeping in. A mad desire to walk across the street and pull Natsuki close and never let her go. Shizuru could feel her self-control slipping.
She forced her eyes closed. Slowly, Shizuru felt the world solidify around her. She had said goodbye. She had meant it. She would not…could not hurt Natsuki anymore with her feelings. She would stay in control. There was no other option. No other choice.
So Shizuru walked slowly back towards the car waiting for her. She made sure to not be seen by Natsuki who rode away on her motorbike. Shizuru put her smile back on her face. Reigned in all her desires, and rode back to her house in perfect stillness.
When she was there, she got out of her car and walked in back of the house to the gardens. Shizuru could find her solace there, amongst the flowers that bloomed beautifully in such a nice spring. A servant brought her a cup of tea and she sipped at it, no different than any other day.
An hour later, Shizuru had not moved from her seat in the garden except to set the empty teacup down on the table next to her. She was perfectly fine. That's what she told herself and that is what she believed. After all, there was no room for mistakes in her behavior now.
The door of the garden burst open and the intruder flung herself directly towards the chair Shizuru was sitting. Caught up in the embrace, Shizuru smiled and patted the girl's head softly.
"How was the zoo? Did you behave?" Shizuru asked.
"Uh huh! It was fun! I saw the bears and the kitties and the pandas." The girl said, squirming around so that she was looking up at Shizuru. "Next time you should come too Mommy!"
"Yes, of course." Shizuru hugged her daughter closer. "Of course I'll come."