Chapter 4

The meeting with Takasuka had gone well enough. Natsuki hadn't particularly cared for his overly enthusiastic personality, nor the way his smile never seemed to reach his eyes. Yet his money was good and the instructions he had given her were clear and concise enough to warrant a rather easy job. After the exact details of her job and payment were worked out, she had left his home with the personnel files tucked neatly away in her briefcase and a small smile on her own face. The rest of her day was clear, which meant she could go home and get some rest.

At least that's what she thought until she stopped at a red light five blocks down the road. She was sitting casually, waiting for the lights to change when her gaze happened to stray from the pavement in front of her to the sidewalk on the other side of the road. That was when she saw her.

To a stranger, there was nothing of particular note about the woman Natsuki saw. She was in her mid-twenties, her long brown hair pulled up neatly into a bun, wearing a long beige skirt and a rose-colored blouse. She might have carried herself with a particularly high level of poise and grace, yet there was nothing really to distinguish her from any other woman in such a rich neighborhood of Tokyo. Except to Kuga Natsuki.

At first Natsuki thought she was going mad. That all those dreams and fantasies had somehow evolved into full-blown delusions. Yet, could a fantasy ever be so vivid? In her dreams, Shizuru always looked the same, never aging a day. The woman standing there was visibly older. She must have sat in confusion for a full minute debating. It wasn't until the woman's head turned, that Natsuki knew that it couldn't be anyone else. No matter how many years passed, Natsuki would always know those crimson eyes. Red orbs so vivid and deep that one could drown in their depths; eyes that pierced straight into her soul, stripped her of her defenses and bared her heart.

Ignoring the light, the traffic and whatever other obstacles might be in the way, Natsuki revved up the engine of her bike and did a full 180 in the middle of the street, narrowly missing a pedestrian and a rather expensive looking sedan. Natsuki didn't hear the curses of angry drivers or the screech of horns. All she saw was Shizuru.

Natsuki came to a skidding stop on the sidewalk and leapt off the bike. Yanking her helmet off her head, she carelessly tossed it aside as she stood finally, after six years, in front of Fujino Shizuru.

"Shizuru…" It was all she could say. Her mind was a jumble of emotions and thoughts. Despite having dreamt of this moment for six years, despite having speeches ready and heartfelt confessions memorized, it was all Natsuki could do to say Shizuru's name.

"N-Natsuki…" It was rare to hear Shizuru sound so shocked. The older woman's eyes were wide with surprise and, to Natsuki's confusion, what looked like fear. "W-what…"

Natsuki realized then that they were attracting quite a crowd. Mentally, she cursed herself for her brashness. People had stopped to stare, wide-eyed at the motorcycle that was now blocking the sidewalk and the crazed-looking, blue-haired woman who had leapt off of it.

"Come with me," Natsuki said, ignoring the looks. "We have to talk."

"Natsuki. It's been a while hasn't it. What are you doing in this area?" Whatever walls Natsuki had knocked down with her sudden appearance, Shizuru had repaired already. The look of shock was gone from her face, replaced with the usual, smiling, unreadable expression.

"Shizuru…we have to talk." Natsuki said again, stubbornly.

"Could it wait until later perhaps?" Shizuru asked, the smile frozen on her face. "You caught me at a rather inconvenient time."

"No." Natsuki gave up and grabbed Shizuru by the arm and tried pulling her towards the bike. However, the Kyoto woman was quite a bit stronger than she seemed and stood firmly in place.

"Another time." Shizuru's voice had a clipped edge to it. Natsuki ignored it.

"Either you come with me now, or I follow you for the remainder of the day." Natsuki growled impatiently. Before, she might have faltered and let Shizuru go. But Natsuki had not spent six years wondering over what might have been and what could have been and thinking about all the things she could not say to let this moment pass. The fear flickered briefly again on Shizuru's features; so quickly that a normal person might never have noticed it.

"I suppose, I could spare a few minutes." Natsuki smiled grimly and righted her bike. She then picked up her discarded helmet and offered it to Shizuru.

"Get on then."

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It was complete madness, Shizuru thought, staring dimly at the offered helmet. Everything she had so carefully planned and decided was now resting hazardously on a chance encounter on her way back from the post office. Of course she only had herself to blame.

She had known Natsuki was in Tokyo. She had known it was dangerous, yet she had reassured herself to the very slim likeliness that she would ever see her in this vast city. Of course, Shizuru knew, with a larger measure of guilt, there had been something so enticingly appealing about being so close to Natsuki that she would have come up with any excuse to live there.

At the moment though, she had no time to sit dumbly in shock at how Natsuki had quite literally flown out of nowhere. She needed to get far, far away from her home before Natsuki found out anything. Because, despite having told herself for five years that what she was doing was perfectly okay, deep within Shizuru's heart, she desperately wanted to keep Natsuki oblivious to everything that had happened. And even deeper still, was a curiosity as to Natsuki's insistency that they talk. She took the helmet with a gracious, perfect smile.

She thought the drive to Natsuki's apartment would drive her insane. Six years should have dulled her desires. Six years should have been more than enough time for Shizuru to contain herself. Yet, all her wants, all her aching, all her love seemed to swell up again as she sat, pressed close to Natsuki on the seat of the motorcycle. Shizuru closed her eyes tightly and wound her arms around Natsuki's waist. It would just be this once, after all, wouldn't it?

She barely heard what Natsuki said to her when they arrived at a dingy apartment complex somewhere east of Shibuya. All she knew was that, against all sound reason and judgment, she followed Natsuki up to her apartment. It was when the door slammed shut, and Natsuki faced her that the haze of what had seemed like a dream began to clear.

It was really Natsuki standing there. It was not a dream. There was a world outside that did not permit Shizuru to act carelessly or indulge in whatever fantasies she might have. Shizuru was still a pawn in a greater game. She needed to act.

"What a surprise to see you." Shizuru said, her smile brightening. "It's been so long-"

"Don't do this," Natsuki interrupted, impatiently. She made as if to take a step closer, then stopped. "Don't play games with me. I didn't bring you here for that."

"Then what was it for?" Shizuru asked, the smile not leaving. She was suddenly afraid. Terribly, terribly afraid of what Natsuki would say.

"Six years ago…you left me again and told me goodbye and you didn't wait even a damned minute to listen to what I had to say." Natsuki was angry. Her green eyes seemed to rage at the memory, lashing at Shizuru with all their fury. Shizuru felt her smile slip slightly at the memory.

What had there been to wait for? To hear the same thing pass over Natsuki's lips? To hear the rejection, padded with heartfelt apologies and sincere regret that Natsuki could never ever love Shizuru the same way? She had heard it before.

"There was no reason for me to stay." Shizuru said, looking away. "I already knew what you would say. You said the same thing before, during the Festival."

"It wouldn't have been the same thing." Natsuki said quietly, her voice sounding strange.

Shizuru blinked and looked back, confused. There was something in Natsuki's eyes that she hadn't seen before. She had seen happiness, hatred, anger, compassion; she had seen a hundred emotions reflected before in Natsuki's eyes, yet never this one. It looked like-

"I would have told you I loved you." Natsuki said, her face turning red as she averted her eyes, embarrassed. "That I wanted to be with you. That being away from you that year had been the hardest time in my life."

"I…" Shizuru was completely at a loss of what to say.

"I was too confused then to chase after you. To tell you that. I worried that I didn't know what love was. That I didn't know whether or not I could love you in the same capacity you seemed to love me. All I knew is that when you were gone, I felt so empty. And when I saw you again…"

No. No. No. This could not be happening. This was not happening.

"I knew that I wanted you with me."

"No." The word ripped out of Shizuru, her voice raw and hoarse. "Don't say these things."

"Shizuru?"

"This is my fault," Shizuru said slowly, regaining her composure a bit. When she had left Natsuki before, she had secretly hoped to leave some mark on Natsuki with her departure. That Natsuki would feel pain at her disappearance, that Natsuki would want her back. She had been a fool. Whatever Natsuki was saying now, it wasn't true feelings. They weren't from the heart. They were just the backlash of Shizuru's actions. After all, people never really changed.

Knowing that hurt more than when Natsuki simply rejected her.

"Shizuru…"

"The way I love you is wrong." Shizuru said softly, her eyes not meeting Natsuki.

"It's not-" Natsuki interjected, but Shizuru cut her off.

"I want to hold you, to kiss you. When I look at you, I want to caress every inch of your skin. It pains me to be so close to you, without being able to hold you, to taste you…" A twisted smile crept onto Shizuru's face. "Can you ever say the same thing about me?"

The look on Natsuki's face was, as Shizuru expected, shock. After all, Natsuki was still pure, so much unlike herself. She had to kill whatever Natsuki was feeling, whatever Natsuki thought she might feel…because the truth was, no matter how much Shizuru wanted to hear these things, no matter how much she had dreamed of them, this was all five years too late.

"I think it's best I go now." Shizuru said after a few moments of silence passed. "I am sorry we met like this. I intended for us to never meet again. At least now I hope you are able to continue living knowing that your feelings are not the same warped ones as mine."

"Shizuru…" Natsuki said softly. Shizuru merely smiled at her, then turned to go. She made it a step towards the door. Then Natsuki grabbed her by the arm and spun her around and Shizuru did not have even a second to think about what was happening before she felt soft, warm lips pressed awkwardly against her own. After a minute, Natsuki pulled away, her lips curved up into a soft smile. "Idiot."

Then Natsuki leaned in again and Fujino Shizuru was irrevocably lost.