Natsuki hadn't exactly gone into her apartment with a set plan on what to do. In fact, she was still as confused and lost as ever. She had spoken passionately before on the side of the road, but it had mostly been a mixture of shock and built up frustration pouring out. She was still confused, still frustrated and still as clueless as ever as to what she wanted. The only thing she did know was that she didn't want Shizuru to leave before she had a chance to find out.
So they had stood in awkward silence until Shizuru had finally spoken and acted like nothing had happened. The casual way she greeted Natsuki; the calm, smiling expression on her face; it had been infuriating to the point of madness.
Natsuki had simply started talking then, though she never remembered thinking about what she should say. Her mouth had simply opened and the words had come tumbling out without check. When she had heard some of them, she was sure her face would turn crimson. What was she saying? It was as if all her stupid dreams and fantasies about her confession had simply decided to embody themselves finally in the real world. Yet there was no happy ending to be had.
There was no rain of sakura blossoms on the gentle wind, complete with a disgustingly sappy violin piece playing in the background as Shizuru smiled and said that she'd never leave Natsuki again. Instead, it was like Natsuki's worse nightmare. Everything Shizuru said was as though she was reading from the nagging doubts in Natsuki's mind that had always held her back. Each word pierced Natsuki's heart and the confidence that she might really love Shizuru had crumbled accordingly.
She hadn't been able to say anything in return. It was true, she wasn't sure what exactly love was. Natsuki had always been confused as to the matter of love. She had rejected Shizuru during the HiME festival because the very thought of love made her grimace. It seemed so overwhelming and consuming. It terrified her even now.
She tried to protest but the words seemed to catch in her throat. Whatever arguments she could make seemed so hollow compared to what Shizuru was saying. It wasn't until Shizuru turned to go that Natsuki felt something jar within her.
Shizuru was leaving her again. Shizuru was going to walk out of that door and after that, Natsuki would be left again with all her regrets and wonderings about what she really felt and this time, there would be no reprieve.
She'd lose Shizuru again. Her Shizuru. Elegant, refined and beautiful Fujino Shizuru, the idol of Fuuka Academy who had never considered herself above Natsuki's company. Shizuru who had reached out to Natsuki when there had been no one else. Shizuru who comforted her, laughed with her and teased her so that Natsuki felt like an actual normal human being…Shizuru who had loved Natsuki so much that she'd been willing to sacrifice the world for her.
To hell with it. Natsuki didn't care anymore if she didn't know what exactly love was. She didn't care if there was even a hint of truth in what Shizuru had argued. All she knew was that she'd be damned if she let Shizuru leave before they had a chance to find out. It was a risky throw of the dice, but Natsuki was willing because trying and knowing couldn't be any worse than the past six years she had spent wondering.
So she had moved forward, grabbed Shizuru and their lips had met in an awkward kiss, much like it had eight years ago during the Festival. Except this time, it wasn't a gesture of apology. It was a gamble.
When their lips had parted, Natsuki knew her answer. Perhaps she still didn't know what love truly was, but what she did know was that the feeling of Shizuru in her arms gave her a sense of security and peace that she never felt with anyone else. She knew that holding Shizuru against her, listening to the older girl's heart beat and seeing the vivid shock in those gorgeous crimson eyes was something that made her own heart race with feelings she hadn't ever felt before.
Her mind remembered briefly what Shizuru had said not a minute earlier about Natsuki not sharing the same warped feelings she had herself. How Natsuki would be better off without Shizuru in her life and that they should never meet again. The thought made her want to laugh now.
"Idiot…" Natsuki whispered, as she leaned in to steal another kiss. The feeling of Shizuru's cool, firm lips beneath her own sent shivers through Natsuki's body. She wrapped her arms around the older woman, pulling her tighter. Yes, Natsuki decided with a soft smile, she could definitely take a wild chance on this thing called love.
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Shizuru did not return home until early the next morning, only an hour after dawn. It was still early enough so that her daughter was not up. Waiting for her in the chair by the door however, was Akito. There was a weary look on his face, and it was apparent that he had been up the whole night, from the rumpled suit he wore.
"Shizuru-san…where have you been? I was about to call the police." Despite his usual calm and pleasant demeanor, she could hear the irritation and anger in his voice.
She could not have stopped herself if she had wanted to; the force drawing them together was too great. Clothes littered the floor of Natsuki's apartment as they made their way towards the bedroom.
"I was taking care of an errand. It ran longer than I expected. Forgive me." Shizuru smiled evenly at her brother-in-law, her expression calm and composed. He frowned at her, his mouth opening several times before he finally settled on something to say.
"You are going back to Kyoto today, I assume?"
It was everything she had ever wanted. Everything she had desired, finally within her grasp. She could not stop herself. Her lips and fingers roamed their way freely across Natsuki's body, tasting and teasing. She was drunk on the sensation.
"No, I think not. I promised Hana I would take her to the zoo." Akito stood up suddenly, disbelief clear on his face. Shizuru met his gaze, unflinching, watching as his jaw clenched tightly together as he tried to keep his anger in check.
"It is the anniversary of his death! At the very least, Hana should go and pay her respects and you of all people should be there. You were his wife!"
More. She wanted more. She loved the way Natsuki felt; the sensation of the younger woman's body pressed against her, the way Natsuki would arch into her. She loved every sound Natsuki made; the moans, the cries, the gasps. Yet none of it seemed to fill the hunger within her.
"My daughter's affairs are none of your concern. Nor are my affairs for that matter." The smile was still on her face, but there was a bite of steel underneath her words causing Akito to flinch briefly. Yet his horror that Shizuru was not visiting her husband's grave on the anniversary of his death seemed to out-weight whatever hesitation he felt.
"Your disrespect for Jun is appalling. Is this the way you repay him for his kindness?"
She had lost all sense of time, all sense of place. Even after Natsuki had fallen asleep, she stayed awake, her fingers playing with the silky dark strands of the other woman's hair, telling herself it would just be one more minute. Yet it was not until she saw the first rays of light in the window that she rose to leave.
"Jun was a kind man," Shizuru said softly, guilt flickering through her eyes. It was gone almost as soon as it appeared though. She held no love for the man she had married and felt little grief over his death. "So kind, I do not think he would wish for his daughter to travel so far just to light incense at his grave. He was never one to dwell on his grief. Do you not agree, Akito-san?"
Akito opened his mouth several times as though to rebut her, and then shut it finally. Shizuru watched as he finally turned on heel to leave her, stalking angrily away. She had never so openly opposed Akito before, and she wondered briefly if she had made a mistake. Usually her fights were subtler and more carefully picked. The game she played with him was dangerous, after all.
Yet, at the moment, the only thing on Shizuru's mind was Natsuki. The game could shatter into a thousand pieces for all she cared. Somewhere in her mind, Shizuru could feel herself falling. She knew that whatever happiness she felt now was a thin mask for her inevitable demise. She could not stop herself though. People never changed after all.