Title: Can't Let Go
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Pairing: Robin/Patrick
Category:Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: I do this out of a love for this couple. No infringement is intended.
Spoilers: 6/28, 6/29 episodes
Summary: Picks up where 6/29 episode left off. Patrick tries to end things with Robin, but finds he can't quite let go.
Note: I tried to upload this yesterday, but the site wouldn't let me. So this is my dream version of how today's confrontation and will go and then added what I would like to follow. I have no illusions. This really won't happen, but I can dream! I let some of those walls come down. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought -Steph
--- Can't Let Go: Part 1/1 ---
"Before this turns into something completely adolescent, let's end this now," Patrick said, as he grabbed Robin's elbow and she turned toward him.
Her eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed. "End what?"
"You know what," he said bitingly.
She sighed. "Dr. Drake, I have neither the time nor the desire to engage in a guessing game with you."
He pursed his lips and waved his hand between them. "This...whatever this is that we have."
Robin took a deep breath. "I thought we were clear on what we have. No strings sex."
He licked at his lips. "Well, lately it feels like strings have developed. You can't stand seeing me with other women-..."
"Not other women. Carly. There's a difference and you know it." She pauses and then eyes him. "You were the one in a huff because you saw an innocent hug between me and Nikolas."
"Because I thought it was for my benefit, to try to get a rise out of me, get back at me for some imagined way I've wronged you. I apologize if I jumped to conclusions, but that's what I am I talking about. This is a hospital, not a high school. We can't walk around here arguing with each other over personal issues we may have. And since that's what we've been doing, then that tells me a line's been crossed that I'm not comfortable with."
Robin crossed her arms over her chest, as she tried to hide the pain flashing across her eyes, "Why don't you just say what you really mean? You found a replacement in Carly and you don't need or want me anymore. I can't say that I blame you. For everything Carly is, she's not HIV positive."
He stared at her for a long moment, before dropping his head. His voice emerged huskily, "Don't put words in my mouth."
"Someone has to. You seem incapable of admitting how you really feel about pretty much anything."
"Well, thank God I have you to help me. You are an expert on me and my life right? I mean, you have me all figured out. I purposely disappoint to push people away. I live down to their expectations," he said, his words clipped and biting.
Robin lowered her gaze to the floor. "I was angry. I didn't mean-..."
"You meant it," he said softly, his words tinged with pain.
Her head snapped up at his tone. Her brow furrowed. "Is that what this is really about? You're upset by what I said earlier?"
Patrick dipped his head, then shook it. "You vastly overestimate the effect your opinion of me has on me."
She eyed him for a long moment. "Do I? Because today I saw someone who was hurt by what I said. And you know what? Whether you believe it or not, I felt bad about saying it. I even went to your hotel room to apologize and try to talk to you about it, but you weren't there."
Patrick slowly raised his head and met her eyes. Carly was right. He wanted Robin to discover them together. He wanted to prove to her that he wasn't a one woman man. Then maybe she would be done with him for good. And he wouldn't be left with the constant, overwhelming burden of trying to deny what he felt and push her away. Maybe, finally, he would have pushed her past the point of no return.
But she hadn't discovered them. So, he had decided to do what he should have done a long time ago. He would end it. He would end it before he got in any deeper and couldn't find his way out. He would end it before there was no turning back. And he knew just how.
"I heard you," he said, meeting her eyes.
Her brow furrowed. "What? You were in the room? Why didn't you answer the door?"
Her eyes begged him to elaborate, but he remained silent. Instead, he waited for realization to slowly cross her eyes.
She shook her head and took a step back, as a bitter smile played across her lips. "Of course, you were with Carly."
The look in her eyes quickly morphed into a mixture of pain, sadness and anger. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from telling her the truth, that they hadn't had sex. The truth was, Carly was right. He was a moment away from bolting. It had never happened to him before. There he was with an attractive woman about to have sex and all he could think about was another woman. Robin.
"I know you think she's using me to hurt you, but-..."
"It doesn't matter what I think," she snapped, as she furiously tried to blink back tears. "You're an adult and I think we've made it painfully clear to each other that we don't have a commitment. You're free to do what you want with whomever you want. It doesn't matter how I feel about that person or what I believe their motives may be. It's your choice. I have no right to comment on it or really have any feelings about it at all."
His chest tightened at the sight of her eyes growing glassy with tears. He cleared his throat softly. "You have a right to feel however you want, Robin."
She smiled caustically at him, "Well, thank you for your permission, Dr. Drake." She paused, took a deep breath and then blinked a few times. "So, I guess there's nothing more to say. We're done."
Patrick bit at his lower lip, as a tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped at it roughly with the back of her hand. He reached out to touch her arm, but she moved out of his reach.
"Robin."
She shook her head back and forth. "No, it's good that it happened now. I mean, we both knew it wasn't going anywhere and there was no point in wasting any more time."
Patrick took a deep breath, as a lump formed in the back of his throat. "I wasn't wasting my time."
Robin swallowed hard, meeting his eyes. "Well, maybe I was. I fooled myself into thinking this is what I wanted. But it's not. I need more."
She then turned on her heel and walked away from him. His eyes followed her until she disappeared from view, then he dropped his head.
---
Robin stared up at the dark sky and then closed her eyes, as the warm summer breeze washed over. She could almost feel his arms around her, like they had been that night she told him about her violent childhood. He had pulled her into his arms and she had felt safe for the first time in years. It was in those moments, that she saw the man he truly was. The man he buried deep inside so that no one got too close. He put a mask on and hid behind it. Why did she believe she could make him remove it?
She heard the door swing open behind her and opened her eyes. She recognized the sound of his footsteps as he came to stand behind her.
"Robin, are you-…"
"I'm fine," she said softly, but didn't make a move to turn around.
Patrick came to stand by her side. His eyes scanned her face and he opened his mouth to say something, but she beat him to it.
"I'd forgotten what it was like," she said softly, her gaze still focused on the sky.
His brow creased. "What?"
She slowly turned to face him. "Being in a relationship." He licked at his lips and lowered his eyes. "It had been so long since I'd had someone be there for me, just to listen or support me through a tough time, that I'd actually forgotten what it was like. I'd forgotten how much I want that."
She paused for a moment. "We were at that funeral today and there was a moment when I looked over at you and you looked at me and you smiled." Patrick slowly raised his eyes. "And I thought what are we doing? What am I doing? We're trying to balance these three relationships. Bickering colleagues, no strings sex partners, while forming this tentative friendship. But when I looked at you I didn't see a friend or a colleague or a sex partner. I saw more. I saw someone I was with. Someone who was supporting me through a tough time when he could have been anywhere else. And I realized I couldn't separate the three relationships because at some point you became more to me than the sum of them."
Patrick rubbed at his mouth as he listened to her. Her walls were tumbling down. How often had he said she needed to let her walls down? And every time the words passed through his lips, he knew he was saying them to divert attention from his own carefully constructed walls.
Robin shook her head, a resentful smile on her lips. "Sometimes I envy, Carly, I really do. I know she'd love to hear that, but it's the truth. She can make it just about sex. No feelings. It doesn't have to be more. I thought I could be that person. I'd fooled myself into believing I was. But when I saw you two together, it was just a reminder that she was able to be something to another man in my life that I couldn't be."
Patrick's eyes narrowed at her. "You mean Jason? Carly slept with Jason while you were together?"
Robin nodded, as she pursed her lips. "It's just one of the things in my long, painful history with Carly."
He dropped his gaze. "I didn't know."
"You didn't ask," she said softly.
Patrick lifted his eyes and licked at his lips. "You're right, I didn't." He then rubbed his hand across his mouth, as he lost a battle within himself. "Carly and I didn't sleep together, Robin."
Robin moved her eyes to his face, her jaw clenching. "But you let me believe you did. Again."
The first time he'd done it to annoy her. The second time he'd done to hurt her, knowing it would push her away for good. And it had. So then why had he followed her up here? She was gone. They were over.
It was then that he realized that feelings don't just disappear because you want them to badly enough. And it doesn't get easier because of the physical and emotional distance you may try to create.
"Yes," he finally said, although he didn't believe she actually expected an answer.
Her expression twisted into something resembling pain. "Why? To hurt me?"
He slowly nodded his head and her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to say something, then snapped it shut. She shook her head sharply and then brushed past him, but he caught her elbow. She squeezed her eyes shut and spun back around to face him.
"Don't you want to know why?" he asked.
Her eyes narrowed and she pulled free of his grip. "Why you wanted to hurt me? I'm sure you have your reasons."
He licked at his lips, as his voice emerged softly. "Because we were at that funeral today and I looked at you and I smiled. And I thought to myself: What am I doing? Why am I even here? I tried to persuade myself it was to support a friend, but I wasn't very convincing. I knew it was about more. I knew it was about trying to be more to you."
Robin raised her eyebrows, surprised by his honesty and openness.
He went on, surprising himself, too. "And then my father thought we were more and Carly accused me of the same thing."
"Carly?"
He nodded. "It got to the point where I couldn't keep denying that it hadn't grown into something more. And that scared me."
"Why?" she asked.
His piercing eyes captured hers. "Because something more means trying to meet your expectations of me. And, as we've established, I can't even meet the bar that you've set so low."
"I told you, I didn't mean that. I don't believe that, Patrick."
"Well, maybe I do," he snapped.
Robin reached out to touch his hand, but he moved it away from her. "Why?"
Patrick's voice took on a faraway tone, as he looked up at the sky. "I haven't had to live up to or down to, as you like to put it, anyone's expectations in a long time." Robin bit at her bottom lip as he went on. "After my mother died and my father spun out of control, there was really no one. There was no one to have expectations of me. There was no one to disappoint. And that was easy. It made life easy."
"And lonely," Robin added. "Because that means there was no one there to support you either."
Patrick brought his eyes back to her and stared at her for a long moment. "No, there wasn't. So, when my father came back into my life and...I met you, it was the first time since I was in college that I had people expecting something from me. People to disappoint."
"So you pushed us away."
"It was easier that way."
Robin looked at him for a long moment, so long that he began to grow uncomfortable.
"What?" he finally asked.
"You said 'was easier', as in past tense. It's not anymore?"
He took a deep breath and forced himself to stay focused on her eyes. "Pushing doesn't solve any problems. And it doesn't make the feelings go away."
Robin sighed heavily. "I'm not sure where this leaves us, Patrick. We've both admitted that what was going on between us was about more than sex, but that doesn't mean we can make it work. I mean, is that even something you want to try?"
He let out a deep breath. "I don't know. I'm not sure I'm ready."
Robin nodded her head and smiled sadly. She reluctantly made a move to leave, but he again stopped her by grasping her elbow. She turned and raised her eyes to meet his.
His voice emerged huskily, "I just know I'm not ready to let you walk away."
He then cupped her face and brought his lips down to hers.
---------------------------------------THE END-------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. -Steph