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Sleep well
He stood outside her door, knowing she would need him and knowing she would not. He'd been considering what he should do since leaving the bridge earlier that day.
Both of them had lost their friend. For him, that friendship had been forged by common cause, a need to succeed when they were being told, essentially, they never would. The strengthening of comradeship had taken place over many years and they had understood the strange bond that exists between men in words not said but recognized, and sure knowledge that no matter what, they could count in surety upon the other.
For her, the start of that friendship had been marred by animosity and anger but had developed though a shared appreciation of the essence of the other's life. Trip had seen them each willing to give their own life in order that the other would survive and prosper. This had meant that both had provided the strength the other needed to meet what the fates had thrown them.
At one time, Trip believed that the two of them were seeking more than just friendship. The Expanse had changed that belief. Trip had seen the man that he had pledged his loyalty to - not only from the required Starfleet chain of command, but from personal knowledge that Jon would never abuse the power invested in him - pushed past the limit of his internal moral compass. He knew how deeply the Expanse had damaged Archer. Knew that like Macbeth's wife, the Captain did not believe he could wash away the stain that mission had left on his soul. That had changed the paradigm that each of them had for the other. It had pushed T'Pol into his arms as she struggled to understand the shifting human emotions caused by loss and duty. For himself, he chose to take comfort from the woman that Jon had apparently pushed away.
He recalled how innocent his and T'Pol's relationship of needs had come about and how in the fiery heat of uncertainty and pain, they had taken it to a level neither would have sought in other circumstances. Deep down, he'd known that his personality of loosely bridled emotional response and natural optimism was ultimately not compatible with T'Pol's cool and studied restraint. It hadn't mattered at the time. They weren't even sure how much time they would have.
Trip had realized later his relationship with T'Pol had hurt Jon. Sure, when he was in the midst of the situation, he'd believed Jon had accepted it. However, when he'd thought about it after the fact, the truth had become clear. While in the Expanse Jon had - under the burden of his command decisions - become unwilling to believe he deserved any happiness but that didn't mean that he didn't care for T'Pol. He also realized that when they'd all seen the temporary reality on the Enterprise that had been thrown into the past, Jon had felt the fates had spoken. Trip had to admit, it had convinced him as well.
Trip sighed. Jon's quiet nature and propensity for deep thought would have been more in balance with T'Pol. It was something Trip realized long after the damage had been done; long after he'd chosen to begin a doomed relationship with the woman that got him through his darkest hours. In his own pain, he'd been blind and hadn't seen that his friends still cared for each other. If Trip had left well enough alone, she might have even provided the balm to heal Archer's soul.
Instead he knew that Jon's heart had been scorched, as if by a raging forest fire. It would have taken many years before the scars that were laid upon his soul would have allowed a verdant love to bloom again. Not that it mattered now. The whole question was moot. Archer was dead. He had to believe that because otherwise, they had left his best friend behind and Trip would never be able to live with himself if that were true. Once he'd turned away from the rocky grave that had become Jon's final resting place, he knew he could never return. He considered it patently unfair that the man who had so loved the water and the grandeur of space would end his days on a dead world devoid of all moisture and life.
He finally knocked on the door before him. A moment later, the door opened and he faced the stoic expression of the woman he had come to see. "May I come in?"
"Of course, Commander. How can I be of assistance?"
He walked in and sat on the sofa before noticing T'Pol's meditation mat and candle were in the center of the floor. The smell in the room told him she had been meditating for some time. He knew he'd interrupted her. "I'm sorry, T'Pol. I should've known."
"I will return to my meditation after we address what you need." She looked down. "I am trying to follow what the Captain would have done for a similar circumstance. I had many opportunities to see how he dealt with the crew's response to loss while in the Expanse. He always tried to be there when his crew needed him."
"Yes. I believe he saw his role as captain as the job he was born to do." Trip hesitated. "T'Pol, what I really came here for is you. I know that our relationship has been through many phases, but I hope you know I'm here for you. This has to be hard, being ordered back to Earth without the Captain's body, not knowing what really happened."
"It is…disconcerting," she admitted.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked the question softly, wanting to help her through this. Hoping she could help him through it as well.
"No." She saw disbelief in his eyes and visage and clarified, "It is fortunate that as a Vulcan, I can accept this."
"What?" Trip asked as the look of disbelief deepened in his eyes. "You're going to try and tell me you're ok with this?"
Her words had not had the desired effect. She tried again. "That's not what I said, Trip. As a Vulcan, I can accept the reality."
The disbelief turned to anger. Trip couldn't believe how cold hearted she was being This was Jon. The man she'd followed into the Expanse. "That's not true, T'Pol and you know it. This is eating you up as much as it is me."
Her eyebrow rose and she gave Trip a sardonic look. "I believe you are projecting yourfeelings on me, Commander."
That was one of the things that irritated the heck out of him. When she appeared to casually toss aside what should evoke a visceral emotional reaction. "Dammit, T'Pol. It's me…Trip. You don't think I know you?"
"Obviously not as well as you think. Otherwise, you would know that as much as it is distasteful to have been unable to retrieve the Captain's body and return it to Earth for the honors that he should have received, it is not something that I cannot…" she thought for a moment, trying to find the correct human expression…"deal with."
Trip got up from the sofa. "Okay, so you're doing hunky dorey, huh. Sorry I asked." He strode to the door, turning to her before walking out. "Don't let me keep you from your meditation." With those parting words, he burst out of the room, angry with the whole iniquitous situation.
ENTENTENT
That didn't go well, thought T'Pol as she watched Trip storm out. She had believed that of all people, Trip would understand her need to embrace her Vulcan disciplines at this time. He'd certainly seen her using them when their daughter, Elizabeth, died.
Yes, she missed the Captain. Deeply. She didn't know how she would get through the feeling of emptiness that his death had left in her. Since this mission had begun, he had always been her rock and now he was gone.
She returned to the floor, relighting the candle and focusing on its flame. She thought back to the lessons she had been giving Archer in meditation techniques. After he had carried the katra of Surak, he had shown a deeper appreciation for the techniques that the Vulcans had developed to address the emotions that had almost destroyed her planet. While Trip had certainly appreciated the relaxation that the neuro-pressure had provided - following the intimacies of those techniques to what was to him their logical conclusion - he had never fully embraced the concepts that mirrored that therapy.
Blinking languidly at the candle's flame, she considered the man who had come to help her tonight. She knew how important expressions of loss were to Trip. She'd seen it when his sister died, felt it first hand when their daughter had died, and now, she realized, she needed to understand and meet him halfway to help him through this loss of his closest friend. She would seek him out in the morning. For now, she needed to achieve her center or the emotions that the Archer's death had unleashed would prevent her from being the Captain she knew he would expect her to be.
ENTENTENT
When she walked into the mess hall, she found Trip drinking a cup of coffee. She knew that this was his typical activity. He'd once told her that starting the day with a 'high octane fix' made the work in engineering flow better. She'd questioned why a hydrocarbon in an ingestible drink would be a wise choice. He'd laughed and said it was just an expression.
Humans and their expressions. It seemed that they had so many ways of using them to provide a nuance of meaning or emotion. She understood why the Vulcan's who had initiated first contact had felt that this species needed to exercise some control before reaching for the stars. What they hadn't understood was there was a wide range to how individual humans would act.
She thought about her two closest human friends. No. That wasn't correct anymore. Only one could still fulfill that role as the other was now dead. She decided for comparison's sake though, she'd still consider the man who she had learned to trust and understand as if he were still alive.
Trip rode the emotional wave of his life like… Her thought trailed off as she attempted to find the right simile. She suddenly remembered the Captain's explanation of an activity he'd told her about after his most recent Earth leave. A surfboarder on a curl. Yet Trip was also one of the best technical engineers she had ever met. It was if his ability to feel things translated to the engines as well, even though there was no way the ship's engine could possess emotions of its own.
Jonathan, on the other hand, while capable of very deep and complex emotional responses, was better able to control them, more in command of his responses. She recognized that this characteristic was a part of his successful leadership ability. It was if he'd been able to bridge the gap between emotions and logic, pulling on whichever was most appropriate at the time, and never letting one get the better of the other. She would use his example to handle this situation.
"Commander Tucker?"
She watched as his eyes rose to meet hers. "Yes?" There were remnants of embers in his eyes which had been flames the night before.
"I think we need to…talk."
"You made it real clear last night how you felt about that." She heard the pain in Trip's voice.
"I believe you may have misinterpreted my responses," she responded trying to sooth that pain.
He shot back, "You said it didn't hurt you that the Captain was dead."
"That is not what I said." She took a breath. "What I said was, being a Vulcan, I can accept it."
"Same difference," he spat out.
"No, it is not." She realized that in this situation, what humans termed a more personal approach was in order. She sat down, maintaining eye contact level with him. "Trip, I know that this is very hard for you. Captain Archer was your best friend. You are human and this has affected you greatly."
"You think?"
"Yes. 'I think.' However, you must understand that human emotions are not a part of my makeup. I am Vulcan. I grieve with you. The loss of the Captain is more troubling to me than you can imagine but I have to address my grief as a Vulcan. Not a human."
His eyes showed he was considering her words. Finally he spoke what he felt. "It just seems so cold."
"It is not." She reached over and put her hand over his. He knew she did not touch him casually. He understood this was important to her. "Trip, I am your friend, maybe not as he was, but I hope as good a friend in a different way."
She waited for his response and hoped that he would take her words in the way she had intended them. T'Pol was under no illusion that she could ever replace the relationship that had developed between the two men, and hoped Trip's thoughts didn't 'go down that path," as she'd heard humans refer to such thought tangents. She found it was important that he understood she would stand beside him through whatever was thrown their way in the future. That he knew she truly cared about him and not just because their mutual friend had.
The Vulcan woman's relief was substantial although properly masked as he answered, "Yes, T'Pol. You are a treasured friend. I'm sorry for acting out like I did last night. I guess I just expected to see you hurting from Jon's death.
"It is…forgiven." This was not a Vulcan expression but a human one. And it was the one T'Pol knew was important in the moment.
ENTENTENT
When they returned to Earth, T'Pol met with Admiral Gardner to provide an in depth report regarding what had transpired on the planet. He voiced surprise that the scanner could misread the reality in the cave so completely. T'Pol had also been surprised but assumed that the reality had something to do with the totally alien energy signal. They had run its signature against all the databases they possessed including the Vulcan, Starfleet, and the Xindi. There was no record of such energy in any of them.
Admiral Gardner nodded, acknowledging that this was something that they may never understand. "It's a mystery that hopefully will be solved someday."
"Yes," she replied calmly.
He cleared his voice. "Commander T'Pol. I'd like you to remain in command of Enterprise for now. I don't think making more changes so quickly after the loss of their captain would be good for the morale of the crew."
"I agree. I am willing to serve in any capacity you believe to be in the best interest of Starfleet, sir." As always, she maintained full decorum as she spoke.
"I'm glad to hear that Commander. I was concerned that you'd wish to resign from Starfleet after this."
"Why would I?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "I only was commissioned a year ago."
"Yes, but with the way things have changed…" He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to.
"I believe that Captain Archer would like for me to maintain the status quo on his ship. I believe that is in the best interest of Enterprise and Starfleet at least for now."
"I'm glad I was wrong. Starfleet is lucky to have you, Commander."
The immediate command structure for the ship set, she asked. "What are our orders, sir?"
Admiral Gardner smiled lightly. She may have served with a Human crew for four and a half years but she was still fully Vulcan. He provided Enterprise's orders, prefacing that the mission had precipitated the ship's recall to Earth. Starfleet had been asked to help deliver vaccines to the Anea Colony in Sector 26. T'Pol remarked that at one time that colony would have been the last one on the outskirts of the Delphic Expanse before the spheres had been destroyed.
"That is correct. Is there some significance to that?"
"Sir. It was Captain Archer's fervent hope before his untimely death that he would be allowed to seek out the Illyrians and restore their warp coil. I would like to undertake that activity as a final honor to his life."
"Unless another situation arises requiring Enterprise's presence, I believe that would be acceptable."
"Thank you, Admiral. Will that be all?"
"Yes, Commander T'Pol. You are dismissed."
She turned to leave. As she reached the door, he called her name again. She turned to see the Admiral, wondering what more he had to say.
The man's face held a hint of the sadness that had risen to the surface. "Good luck, Commander T'Pol. I hope you find them and that it helps Archer's soul rest in peace. God knows, he deserves it."
ENTENTENT
They had delivered the supply of vaccine to the colony. Dr. Phlox asked to stay to assist in the vaccine distribution designed to fight the outbreak of Sallian Fever.
T'Pol was meeting with the physician in Archer's ready room. She had not touched a single article in the room, his personality still present if no longer tangible. She had reasoned that keeping things as they had been would ease the transition.
"Granting your request would leave Enterprise without a physician," she pointed out.
"The ship has been without my services in the past. When I've had to attend to my sleep cycle for instance."
"True…but that has only been for a few days. We are going to search for the Illyrians and it may be a few weeks or even months before we can retrieve you."
"Dr. Anderson has agreed to take my place temporarily. He is a fine physician and was one of the first to deal with the outbreak. I believe it would be a welcome change for him at this point."
"I fail to understand why this change is important to you. If Dr. Anderson understands the outbreak then…"
He cut her off. "There's more to it than helping with the outbreak." He looked down. "I also have some research paperwork that I need to complete as well. Staying here will provide the time to address that."
"You've never had a problem completing research paperwork on the ship before," she said with a raised eyebrow.
His eyes raised to hers, his blue eyes now filled with emotion. "There's more." His eyes scanned the room taking in the presence of the man who had once claimed this room as his sanctuary. "I think it would do Porthos good to get off the ship for awhile." When she looked confused, he added, "I think it would do me some good to get off the ship for awhile as well. I've found the reality of the Captain's demise to be troubling."
T'Pol finally understood. She'd seen that many on the ship were having difficulty putting the terrible situation behind them. She was in hopes that their current mission would help to alleviate those emotions. "You need to grieve," she stated directly.
Phlox nodded his head sadly. "I do and I'm afraid that while I do so, I won't be as effective as the ship's doctor. It wouldn't be fair to the crew."
"Then I accept your request. Please have Dr. Anderson report to me by 1500 hours today. We will be leaving orbit soon."
The Denobulan thanked her quietly and got up to leave. "I hope you're able to find them, T'Pol. I know the Captain felt what he did to them was unconscionable. If there is any truth in the human concept of an afterlife, I believe this will help his journey." At her nod, he left, the door closing behind him.
After Dr. Phlox had departed, T'Pol called the rest of the staff together. "We need to lay out a logical search pattern to find the Illyrians. When they were first stranded, the anomalies would still have been in existence. We'll need to take them into consideration as we figure where they would have set course.
Travis spoke up. "I've computed the most likely courses they would have taken to avoid the anomalies that would have been on a direct route to their home world."
Nodding, T'Pol noted, "Based on their speed, we should be able to figure their likely position along each of those courses when the spheres were disabled."
They entered this information into the computer to be correlated with Travis's initial assessment. "Were there any forces that would have affected these positions once the spheres were disabled?" T'Pol asked.
Malcolm answered that question. "No. Based on our experience, the areas would have returned to normal space without incident. There's no reason to believe that would have changed."
"I think we should assume that that once the anomalies were gone, they'd go in a direct route to their planet," Trip pointed out.
"Next we'll need to determine the likely positions extrapolating through normal space at subspace speeds," T'Pol stated.
Again the computer was fed the new information. There were six possible routes that the Illyrians would most likely have taken. Travis prioritized them. A search pattern was developed and the Enterprise was finally able to act on Jonathan's desire to try to undo what damage he could after Earth was safe. T'Pol entertained the illogical idea that this action would somehow allow Jonathan's soul to be at peace.
ENTENTENT
It had taken three months but they had finally located the Illyrian vessel. When they had first approached the ship, they had been warned off. Their captain wanted nothing to do with the man who had so brutally attacked his ship, stranding them without certainty that they would ever reach their home.
Hoshi continued to hail them, explaining that Captain Archer was no longer in command. The Illyrian captain finally relented and agreed to meet with T'Pol. On his ship. Travis piloted the ship and Trip accompanied her.
When they arrived, they were escorted to a conference room. The Illyrians looked a bit thinner but no other side effects of the slower trip home were evident.
Once all were seated, T'Pol began the conversation. "Captain. Thank you for meeting with us. I am here first and foremost to provide an apology from Captain Archer for taking your warp coil."
The Illyrian Captain indicated his annoyance as he provided his name. "Captain Clarnat. You didn't bother to find that out when last we met, did you?" He then waved off the admission of guilt. "What Captain Archer did was pure piracy. There is no apology acceptable for that."
T'Pol fidgeted in her seat. "We were not ourselves at that time. Please know that Captain Archer did not take his actions lightly. If he had not taken your warp coil, his planet would have been destroyed and eventually multiple others as well, including your own. The spheres that caused the anomalies were creating space that the beings from this galaxy would not have survived in."
Captain Clarnat looked incredulous. "You expect me to believe that?"
T'Pol was calm but continued to experience anxiety. "We have evidence, should you wish to examine it." She coughed as she asked Trip to open the case he'd carried with him. "The sudden disappearance of the anomalies and the thermobaric clouds are the most tangible of that evidence but we have other information as well."
Captain Clanat huffed, not yet understanding the significance of those events. "We'd just finished lining our ship with the Trellium when they vanished. Their disappearance has meant we've been able to cut four months off of our return journey. However, the lack of need for Trellium made that so called payment worthless!" The man stated this last with vehemence.
T'Pol finally realized what was happening to her. "This ship is lined with Trellium?"
"Yes"
T'Pol stood up, gathering her things together. "I need to return to Enterprise, immediately."
Trip and Travis stood up as well, both showing signs of concern for the woman.
"Why? Another of your tricks?" the Illyrian Captain asked sarcastically.
"No, because Trellium is a nuero-toxin to Vulcans. I've noticed the effects already. I must get off your ship or I may be injured."
Captain Clarnat, hearing that his ship could cause the woman damage agreed but requested they leave the data with him. He said he would use it to verify that the Enterprise's personnel were acting honorably this time. He suggested that they would consider the data and contact her if further talks were possible. T'Pol agreed to all requests and left with Travis to return to their shuttle. Trip stayed behind for a few minutes to provide instructions as to the operation of the data file returning to the ship with the other two.
An hour past when Hoshi received the hail from Captain Clarnat. When he appeared on the screen, T'Pol noted that he was carrying himself in a different manner. If the body language of his species was similar to humans, she would say he was contrite.
"If this data is to be believed, Captain Archer's choice of taking our warp coil likely saved our planet."
"As I stated. It saved mine as well and many others. The beings that were trying to reconfigure the Delphic Expanse would have eventually taken over the entire Alpha quadrant of the galaxy and possibly more."
The Illyrian captain made another request. "I would like to speak with Captain Archer."
T'Pol licked her lips lightly before answering. "That is not possible."
"Why not?" he demanded, his anger beginning to reignite at what he saw as a potential affront.
"He was killed five months ago during a mission of exploration."
Captain Clarnat took in that information and processed it before speaking. His tone was heavy as he expressed his feeling at hearing the news. "I've hated your Captain for a year and a half. I believed him to be a dishonorable pirate unworthy of any consideration short of a firing squad. Now I am truly sorry I cannot begin again."
"Captan Archer wanted nothing more than to provide restitution for his actions. We would like to return your refurbished warp coil to you. May our engineer return to your ship to do so?
The other man agreed. A few hours later, Trip returned. The damage had been reversed. Their warp coil was again working as designed. When the view screen was activated, a visage of a grateful captain greeted the bridge crew.
"From this point forward, I promise you, our peoples will be friends."
"Starfleet will be glad to have gained another. We wish you well."
"We should make it home in less than a week now. Thank you Commander T'Pol."
She nodded. It was time to return to home.
ENTENTENT
The journey back to Earth was uneventful. They were glad they had discovered that Captain Archer's fears that he had condemned a ship load of people to their death were unfounded. Indeed, where they had made an enemy before, now they had an ally and friend.
They picked up Phlox on the way back as well. T'Pol noted that Denobulan appeared to have found his serenity once more. He expressed delight that he'd been able to complete his work and had even found some new plants with potential medicinal uses. He'd also tested the theory that Earth canine saliva contained wound healing properties but indicated the jury was still out concerning Porthos' healing powers.
When they were a day away, T'Pol had retired to her quarters. As had happened three months before, she found her meditation interrupted by a knock on her door. She arose and opened it, only mildly surprised to find the rather serious visage of Trip Tucker on the opposite side.
"T'Pol, Can I talk to you for a minute?"
T'Pol invited him in. "What is this about, Commander?"
Trup appeared nervous, fidgeting as he sat on the sofa, his fingers rubbing along one side of his forehead. "Uh…it's about Elizabeth's marker."
"Your sister's…marker? What is that?" T'Pol was confused. She had never heard of a marker.
"No, our daughter's. I wanted to tell you it's been completed. They'll install it as soon as we approve it."
The engineer had not told her about this before. She continued to search for clarification. "Trip, I do not know what you are talking about. What is a marker?"
"It's a way to commemorate a life that one cares about. It's an old Earth custom." He coughed nervously. "I don't know why I didn't tell you about it before. I guess I thought you'd tell me it's illogical…and maybe it is…but it's something that means a lot to me. I want her grave to be marked."
"Oh," she answered, understanding now. She'd walked in Earth cemeteries before. She'd seen the rock memorials that stood in rows, designating the burial site.
Trip explained further, a little surer now. "I'd ordered the one for Elizabeth to be carved from Vulcan Manatite. It took awhile to quarry and ship a suitable piece to Earth. I hope you don't mind. I thought she should have something from Vulcan. I choose to have an IDIC carved upon it and the words 'You are loved.'"
T'Pol was moved. This man never ceased to amaze her. He was seldom purely logical but she once again had been shown that he was truly a caring human.
"I believe this Earth tradition must be honored," she responded.
Trip had nodded relief on his face. "I'll leave you to your meditation then. Thanks." He slipped out of her room, his body more relaxed and she continued her ongoing search to reclaim her center.
The day they arrived back on Earth, Trip and T'Pol visited the cemetery. The hard red manatite allowed the IDIC and words to stand out clearly, logically stating that both of these messages were profound truths. The marker was deemed by both to be greatly acceptable. They agreed it could be installed within the week.
A thought came to T'Pol. She'd accepted the Earth custom to mark the final resting place of her daughter. Why then shouldn't she do the same for Jonathan, whom she also had cared for? She assumed that since the last place she'd see him was a barren spot in a dead area of space; it was unlikely that anyone would ever see her tribute again once she had installed it. Still, it would show respect for the person he'd been and in her eyes it was right to do so.
She ordered a metal plaque which could be attached to the obsidian wall on the outside of the cave. She had engraved a poem.
Dear Soul, through the stars I've seen you sail
In an explorer's quest for all life's beauty
Yet tried sorely, you did not fail
But saved the lives of many, lived your duty
Your heart's intent was always right
Although the road was often rocky and unclear
If given choice you'd seek peace and not to fight
And thus for you is shed a just and lonely tear
Sleep well
It took a little less than a month to have the plaque created. In the meantime, T'Pol requested leave from Admiral Gardner for a week to attend to family duties on Vulcan. He agreed to give her the leave.
Trip had indicated that now that they were back on Earth, it would be fitting to hold a memorial service for Jon during the time that Starfleet Command was considering how to go forward with Enterprise's mission. He planned to set it up two months hence to give people the time to plan their schedules.
When Trip asked T'Pol what she was doing on her leave, she indicated she was visiting some Vulcans that she knew. This was true. She knew the merchants and they were Vulcans. The fact that she was paying them to drop her by the barren space so she could set the marker was more information than strictly necessary.
She wondered why she had decided to do this alone. It occurred to her that she needed the time to be with her loss and to meditate upon the reality of her close friend's death. She had accepted it was true but, like the time she'd spend with Archer when they'd discovered the Robinson Nebula, she found she needed time to say good-bye. It was not Vulcan but she needed to do it none-the-less.
On the day she left for her home world, T'Pol had gone down to San Francisco bay and retrieved a vial of water and some sand. She planned to leave these items on the planet as well. She realized that doing so was an irrefutably illogical act but she found that where Jonathan Archer was concerned, the logical thing to do was often illogical. It was a paradox as he had been.
She met up with the merchants on Vulcan and settled into the ship. They had provided her with her own quarters. The shuttlepod was in the storage bay. Tonight she meditated.
The next day she checked everything once more and launched from the ship. She confirmed that they would be at the rendezvous in three days. As she headed to the planet where the Captain's legendary luck had run out, an illogical thought came to mind
Jonathan, I'll be there soon.