A/N: The title came to my mind because it's a song by The Starting Line, but then I read the lyrics, and they're actually appropriate to the Roy/Pam/Jim triangle. (Digression: The ultimate TSL song for them is "Saddest Girl Story." I made a video for it, but it needs a lot of editing, since it was the first fanvid I ever made.) So, about the fic...The movie I referenced is The Good Girl, and I'd highly recommend it. I didn't reveal too much, but maybe enough to warrant a "thank you, spoiler alert!" Michael Scott It has certainly made me view the plotline of the webisodes ($3,000 missing from accounting) in a different light... :) I didn't directly spoil "Casino Night" either, but I'll just say that the fic makes a lot more sense if you've seen both things.
Oh yeah, this is my first attempt at The Office fanfiction. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. :)
Decisions, Decisions
It's eight o'clock on a Friday night, and instead of dining at an upscale restaurant or dancing at a wild club or even just seeing a movie at the theater with her fiancé or her friends, Pam is alone in the comedy aisle of Blockbuster, trying to decide whether she wants to watch The Princess Bride or The Breakfast Club for the umpteenth time. When she makes her choice, she'll grab takeout from the Chinese restaurant across the street, where her next life-altering decision will be whether she's in the mood for orange chicken with chow mein or beef and broccoli with friend rice. She'll drive home -- which station, rock or oldies? -- and plop on the couch to laugh at her movie selection and eat her meal straight out of the box. After that, she'll take out her drawing pad and do some figure sketches with oil pencil or perhaps a quick landscape in watercolor...until she hears the key in the lock, and she'll hide her art supplies under the sofa and pretend that she fell asleep. Roy will stumble over and shake her more roughly than he realizes, because he's drunk from the hockey victory or loss, and he'll give her a sloppy kiss, but she'll pull away. I'm tired, she'll say as she goes straight to bed. He'll be disappointed for only a second before passing out beside her, and she'll lie awake underneath the covers for hours, feeling suffocated and trapped and empty.
But for now, she's staring at the DVDs in her hands and trying to figure out which one it will be tonight.
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Pam pops the disc into the DVD player and settles onto the sofa, snapping her chopsticks apart. The song on the main menu makes her wistful, so she quickly presses 'play.' She'll find no consolation in the movie, unfortunately. Everything seems so bleak and hopeless that she almost wishes that she hadn't rented it. She watches the protagonist suffering because of her miserable job and husband, and Pam feels like she's watching her own life on the TV screen.
In a few months, she realizes, she will be. She's imagining what will happen when the documentary airs, when suddenly, the main character meets a cute coworker. Pam keeps her eyes glued to the screen as the pair laughs and flirts with one another, and by the time they check into a motel room, she's fairly certain that her heart has stopped beating.
The phone rings, and she almost jumps out of her seat. Probably a stupid telemarketer, she thinks as she picks up the phone, frustrated that the movie has been interrupted and fully prepared to take it out on the stranger at the other end of the line. She begins to say, Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam, on instinct, but stops herself in time.
It doesn't matter anyway. It's Roy. His voice is coming out slurred and he tells her that the game ended and he and his brother went to Poor Richard's to celebrate the Penguins' win and he loves her so much and he'll be home in a few hours and they can celebrate some more and...
Pam hangs up the phone in disgust. For a long moment, she stares at the keypad until she comes to her senses, and the urge to dial Jim's number disappears. She resumes her viewing and tries to forget about her own life, but it would be so much easier to lose herself in a movie about high schoolers in detention on a Saturday. Now she is definitely regretting that she tried something new. It's always best to stick to what you know, she affirms, as she chews on a piece of broccoli.
When the credits finally roll, her cheeks are soaked with tears, and she can't stop the sobs that escape from her lungs. She doesn't have to pretend to fall asleep that night.
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The next day, while Roy helps his cousin replace the carpet in his house with wood panels, Pam returns the video. Long after she's driven away from the rental place, the movie stays on her mind.
Is this your last, best chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?
She wonders if, placed in Justine's position, she would have run off with Holden. After much debate, she comes to the conclusion that it's a pointless concern, because she'd never have pursued the affair in the first place. She is much too...too what? Rational?
Yes, she tells herself. She is a good, moral person who loves her fiancé, and she could never be with anyone else. Certainly not someone she works with, which would bring all sorts of office-related ethical issues into the picture. Her brain is satisfied with this conclusion, but her heart aches, because deep down inside, she knows that she is not rational at all. She is afraid.
And then she reminds herself that she is being ridiculous for even thinking about this, because she is not Justine, and Jim is nothing like Holden. Even if Jim had a crush on her, it was years ago when she first started, and now they are best friends and nothing more than that. She nearly laughs at the absurdity of Jim confessing his love for her and giving the ultimatum that if she doesn't choose him, he will disappear from her life forever.
Finally content with her thoughts, Pam shifts her attention to the present moment. She is in the fitting room of a department store, trying on a satiny blue dress. She appraises her reflection in the mirror and smiles. Next week, Dunder Mifflin is hosting a charity event in the warehouse, so she won't have to worry about movie rentals or Chinese takeout. The only decision she'll have to make is how many chips she's willing to bet in poker...