C19: Defeat 3
I'm so sorry this took so long ToT, writer's block is such a bishhh. And well - recent developments in the manga have really weakened my Astelle spirit (I'm talking about the proposal ToT).
So yeah, angst is my writer's fuel these days.
Defeat 3
"Just talk to me—" The desperation clawing at his heart makes Asta grip her wrist, a pointless attempt at keeping her still. She turns to him from the force of his pull and a sensation of ice courses through his veins.
"Let me go..." The misery reflected in her ki felt like a knife stabbing his heart over and over. Asta flinches in panic at the unexpected sight, immediately releasing his grip.
His jaw is tense, teeth clenched in a way that keeps his tongue locked away.
The bridge he'd been desperately trying to build by himself crumbles to the ground. His fiery determination is extinguished by the tears trailing down her cheeks; every drop was another blow to his already broken spirit.
Noelle was crying...
And it was because of him.
"How long will you keep this up, Noelle?" A woman with silver hair stares into a mirror, irises the color of anxious amethyst hues. She takes a deep breath, appreciating the temporary break in the bathroom by herself. The day hasn't ended, yet she already feels drained from their mission and it wasn't only because she didn't know how to properly act around her (former?) best friend/captain. Nothing has happened during their escort mission so far although she supposed that was considered a good thing albeit a little boring.
The Moon River festival is an annual celebration that was conducted to honor the bounty collected from the end of fishing season in the village of Fiume. It was a lively occasion dedicated to a day of ritual dances, merry songs, games and of course, food. Fishermen families gathered their fresh haul of trout, salmon, tilapia, bass, pike etc. in heaps which are then cooked and served in a variety of ways shared amongst the common folk. Back then it was the only opportunity in which it was acceptable for a noble to 'mingle' with people from the forsaken realm. The head of the village, Eugon – a family of noblemen that own the rights to the land (including the river), who so graciously allowed the villagers to fish in their property (but not without a percentage cut going to their pockets) facilitates the celebration.
Despite the noble family's involvement amongst the public, it seems that the current head Marlo Eugon is not as loved as his predecessors because according to Fuegoleon, there is word of his possible assassination that day. Apparently Eugon himself had asked for the Magic Captains Noelle and Asta as his personal bodyguards throughout the celebration. It isn't clear to the water mage whether or not there was a reasonable cause for the nobleman's assassination but his persistence to have her constantly beside him was outright annoying.
Perverted shallow noblemen are bad enough, cowardly and clingy perverted shallow noblemen are even worse. (Take Augustus Kira for example.)
The only pleasantry in the mission so far is experiencing the interesting culture of the village and to witness the joy amongst its residents. Anyone could immediately observe the natural sense of camaraderie shared amongst neighbors as they sang, danced and played. If she were being honest, she'd rather prefer this over the snobbish parties that her fellow nobles often hosted. It was hard to believe that anyone would be willing to taint this wholesome merriment with the intention of murder. Thankfully, the party is almost over and she hadn't observed any suspicious behavior nor did anything alarming happen.
Noelle is beginning to think that the mission is unnecessary. Who'd even want to assassinate this lame-ass middle-aged guy? If anything, the biggest threat that would hurt him is Noelle herself if he annoyed her enough. And why did she have to get stuck being paraded around as if she was this noble's date anyways? Sure, she can instantly create a protective barrier using her magic but wouldn't Asta be the better choice given that he can literally negate any type of magic? Why the swordsman refused her proposal to split and cover more ground is beyond her.
That reminds her, Asta's odd behavior throughout the day is also concerning.
He's acting as though they were on an outing rather than a serious mission. His naturally sociable and enthusiastic attitude allowed him to share festivities amongst the villagers. He even tried to pull her into his antics only for her to insistently reprimand him and apologize to their noble escort on his behalf.
Back when they cooperated as Captain and Vice-Captain he'd usually agree with her plans and took their missions seriously. While Asta had incredible prowess and strength, he wasn't necessarily the most strategic person in the field, which is why he relied on her quick judgement most of the time. However, there were also scenarios when Noelle's analytical mind got in the way of completing a mission but the swordsman was more of a risk-taker than she could ever be. Long story short, they make up for what the other lacked and their deep trust in each other allowed them to perfectly work in tandem. When it comes to missions, seldom do they ever discuss decisions, sometimes all it took was eye contact.
It isn't like the water mage wasn't expecting this, even Sol commented on the palpable awkwardness between her and Asta during Captains meetings. Maybe a naïve part of her was hoping that at least one part of their relationship hadn't changed, but obviously she'd been wrong. Disappointment aside, this wasn't the time for her to get distracted with her personal affairs, she's on a mission after all. Just a couple more hours and she can go back to avoiding the man that broke her heart and lament over the friendship she destroyed because she was too selfish to keep it to herself.
Noelle exits the bathroom.
"Everything okay?" Asta, who was previously leaning against the wall near the bathroom stands straighter as he sees her approach.
"Why aren't you with Marlo?" The woman chides, Asta may have been reckless, but he is far from irresponsible.
"He's right over there discussing business with one of the villagers." The anti-mage points to the table a few feet away, the two aforementioned men were seated and conversing with a plate of grilled trout in between them.
"You looked pretty pissed when you left for the bathroom, so I figured I should check on whether or not you were plotting to kill him." He jokes with a small boyish grin. Too weak to resist, she decides to go along with it.
"And if I was? Are you going to arrest me?"
"Nah, I'd probably help you." Noelle laughs at his response along with his wink, the constant anxiety gnawing at the back of her skull finally stops for once.
She missed this. She missed them. She missed Asta.
Perhaps it was harsh of her to avoid him for so long, she even blatantly ignored him before and that wasn't okay. She had done it because she didn't want to make him uncomfortable especially now that he was aware of what she felt for him. But now she was starting to think that maybe she did it more for herself. Try as she might to ignore it, she was aware of the disappointed gaze he held whenever she ran away, the uncertainty in his voice when she didn't immediately respond and the lost spark behind his usual spirit.
Yet he still tries for her. He is still willing to be her friend after all this time... Maybe she can move on without having to keep him away?
Lively music plays in time for another performance, the strong beats of the percussion instruments motivate the crowd to group themselves into pairs and start dancing. It was a playful tune that went well with their feet that went tap tap tap as the villagers energetically leaped around each other. The princess marvels at its stark difference from all the ballroom dances drilled into her since childhood. This performance is far from being encumbered by standards or etiquette – all that matters is enjoying the experience. Noelle wonders if it felt as liberating as it looked.
"Wanna dance?" Asta holds out his hand.
"We're on duty." She answers with a flat voice stating the obvious meanwhile her brain, heart and lungs worked on overdrive because what the hell – Asta just asked her to dance! Internally she shuts her stupid giddiness off. After all, dancing with a friend is perfectly platonic.
Her heart had no right to start getting excited.
Noelle experienced an epiphany right then. The problem with staying close to Asta is that she ends up falling deeper in love when he's not even trying, and she knows that her heart is foolish enough to misinterpret his friendship as the affection she longs for.
"Can't we have fun for once?" The princess glanced at his still outstretched hand.
"No."
She was back to pushing him away for the rest of the night.
The more she closes herself off, the more frustrated he gets. She can tell from his clenched fists, the annoyance in his voice when she doesn't respond. That's why she isn't surprised when he confronts her as soon as the mission is completed.
"Is being around me so awful that we can't even be friends?" Asta was getting somewhere with her, he just knew it. The anti mage even managed to make her chuckle earlier and he won't let this opportunity go to waste.
She wants to say no, of course not, they were to remain friends as they agreed on the day she confessed. But with the way she'd been acting, she knew that would be lying… Noelle should at least apologize, she owed him that much. Unfortunately she is a coward that can't even muster the ability to reply.
"I gave you space but sometimes you act as though I don't even exist… like everything we've been through doesn't even matter anymore and—" He breathes to calm down, he wasn't supposed to let his frustration overwhelm him.
"I'm scared that I'm losing my best friend… "
Her continued silence makes his heart tremble in fear.
"What am I supposed to do? I'm really trying here Noelle." Asta never felt so vulnerable before but he can't take another day of this uncertainty lingering between them.
"Just talk to me—" The desperation clawing at his heart makes Asta grip her wrist, a pointless attempt at keeping her still. She turns to him from the force of his pull and a sensation of ice courses through his veins.
"Let me go..." The misery reflected in her ki felt like a knife stabbing his heart over and over. Asta flinches in panic at the unexpected sight, immediately releasing his grip.
His jaw is tense, teeth clenched in a way that keeps his tongue locked away.
The bridge he'd been desperately trying to build by himself crumbles to the ground. His fiery determination is extinguished by the tears trailing down her cheeks; every drop was another blow to his already broken spirit.
Noelle was crying...
And it was because of him.
He wanted to erase every tear from existence… but how can he alleviate the suffering he himself causes?
"I'm s—sorry..." He chokes out.
This isn't what he intended to happen. He only wanted to be with her again! To stay together like they were supposed to... so why was it causing her this much pain?
This unfamiliar feeling of helplessness makes him want to lash out. A bitterness lingering at his tongue as he screams to the world of its cruelty. It was simply unfair that the one thing he always relied on — his neverending persistence, was not only obsolete but only succeeded in making everything worse.
"I'll leave you alone." For once he was the first to walk away. Yet the trail of teardrops he left behind did not go unnoticed and Noelle had another realization that night.
Hearts break in more ways than one.
Nozel observes the various changes that occurred in his office ever since he stepped down from being Captain His eyes do not miss the two pictures placed on the youngest Silva's desk, one was an image of Noelle with the Silva family and the other being with her squad. The retired Silver Eagles Captain timidly observes the difference of the photos as he waits for his little sister to finish with her duties. This night is when he and his siblings are supposed to have the monthly dinners with his family.
Normally he'd simply wait for his youngest sister to get there herself, but he can't help but be concerned after sharing a conversation with his wife Dorothy. Just like him, the dream-mage noticed that something odd was going on with Noelle and he wasn't going to doubt the opinion of a woman whose power is literally linked to a mage's mind.
Tell the truth he doesn't have to directly ask the water mage when the sight of her is enough of an answer. The poor woman looked beyond exhausted with her dark eye bags and slightly disheveled hair, nevertheless the quill in her hands never halted from moving.
"You know… you don't have to go if you're busy, we can always postpone-"
"Don't worry, big brother. Finishing up these reports won't take me long."
"All right…" A couple seconds pass in silence. "…. are you doing well?"
"I'm okay, all of this paperwork isn't all that different from when I acted as Vice-Captain." Noelle answers but from the corner of her eyes she sees her brother's normally stoic face droop to a frown.
"I wasn't asking about your job Noelle, I meant you." His odd response makes the quill in her right hand slightly waver and she looks closer to check the damage. The water mage pouts at the sight of a curly 't' with a longer tail than usual but whatever it wasn't that bad. She makes sure to hold her brother's gaze the next time she responds.
"I'm perfectly fine."
One of Nozel's eyebrows raises. "So you and Asta stopped talking for no reason at all?" Her words died inside her throat. How did he even know? She thinks in panic, til she remembered that of course Fuegoleon would tell him. Nevertheless she is caught off guard and is thus unable to think of any reasonable excuse to deny his sarcasm.
Her eldest brother sighs, his breath heavy with disappointment.
"I would appreciate it if my little sister didn't lie to me, anyone can tell that you're both miserable." Inwardly she feels herself deflate, the sensation of guilt successfully crumbling down her stable composure.
All the internal thoughts she's tried to put in the backburner are brought to her immediate attention. What is she even doing? The water mage wanted to distance herself because she wanted to diminish her deeply rooted love… but now she realizes that all it seemed to accomplish is hurt Asta. She wanted to take back her words, apologize for unintentionally hurting him but… would he even forgive her after everything?
"It's shameful to admit but I'm rather familiar with the sadness reflected in your eyes. For years, I could never look directly at you because of it… words cannot describe my relief when it disappeared after you joined the Black Bulls." The current Captain of the Silver Eagles gazes into sharp purple orbs and she feels as though her soul is laid out bare for the world to see.
Her brother places a hand on her shoulder. "I know you didn't need me to help you back then but… it would be nice if there's something I can do about it now."
They say that comfort is supposed to help you stop crying… but Noelle's personal experience always proved to be contrary. Receiving comfort only amplified the pain she feels and by the end she always finds herself with swollen eyes, a tightness in her throat and an annoyingly stuffy nose.
After trying her best to put up a front in the past several weeks, this conversation finally tore it all down. "What do I do, brother?" She sobs into her palms.
"I hurt him… and now I don't even know if we'll ever be friends again."
It's kind of funny that Asta never realized how cold the roof is until Noelle isn't there to keep him company. Their sacred place used to provide various comforting sights, but it wasn't the same without her. All that is left is a husk of past memories reminding him of experiences he'll never have again.
Does he regret the outburst he made during their past mission? No, everything he said was completely true to how he feels. Admittedly he could've expressed his thoughts in a calmer manner but the anti-mage is naturally passionate, staying calm was simply impossible. Unfortunately, his honesty didn't make much of a difference in their problem.
Was he angry? Not really, more than anger he simply felt frustrated. He just wants his best friend back… was that too much to ask? But perhaps his impatience put that to a stop…
"Hey Asta…" He gasps in surprise then whispers her name in disbelief. The swordsman watches as the woman seats herself next to him, her legs folded and arms neatly settled atop her thighs the same way she always did.
"Yeah… it's me." She replies with an unsure smile. The water mage fiddles with her fingers, her bottom lip slightly sucked between her teeth.
"So, how have you been?" His companion forces out, a little louder than she probably should've.
Asta blinks at her, uncertain whether this is a product of his imagination, or she is truly sitting next to him and trying to make conversation. When her presence persists after several attempts of closing his eyes he finally answers.
"Fine." He calmly replies, it was a strong contrast to the elation he currently feels. In his confusion, multiple questions pass through his brain but he doesn't ask any of them too afraid that one misstep would cause her to evaporate into thin air.
Before he knew it, she steered the conversation throughout the rest of the night. It was probably the most he heard Noelle speak throughout their friendship. There was still a bit of awkwardness here and there, but she was clearly trying to make up for lost time. Then she began to boast about her squad and her goal to achieve more stars and surpass him that year. It drew out his support for her and his own competitive nature.
It was nice to have a normal conversation after what they've gone through these past months so he couldn't help but be disappointed when the time came for her to leave. She smiles though (a genuine one!) and reveals that she actually plans to stay for the night. Maybe it was a bit immature, some might even call it inappropriate but he didn't want to end their time together so soon so he suggested having a sleepover and surprisingly enough she was okay with it.
At some point he even convinced her to read a story to him just like she used to. Her soft voice lulls him to finally rest without troubled thoughts. He can even feel her elegant fingers running through his scalp further encouraging his tired eyes to flutter shut.
"I'm sorry Asta… for everything." She murmurs.
"I'm sorry too." He smiles in his sleep, dreaming of the future that they would never be apart.
It's a bittersweet ending, I hope that's okay… I'm not entirely happy with this but I either post this now or never update again so…. here we go. Gahhh I've been struggling with this "Defeat" plotline for so long. On one hand I want Asta to like Noelle back, but realistically speaking if you've been rejected by a friend once, you can't expect their mind to change. I believe that these two are mature and stubborn enough to maintain their friendship despite the complications of unrequited love, and I feel like that isn't really portrayed much or at least I haven't seen much of it).
Fun fact: I based this on my friend's personal experience :P.