32 Productions Presents…
A Teen Titan Fan Fiction The Teen Titans in…"The Amazing Beast Baby"
Chapter One
Titan Tower: Main Room
Raven was in Hell. That was the only explanation she had. She gave up trying to read an hour ago and was just sitting on the couch, holding her head in her hands. Behind her Beast Boy and Shade were fighting. Not yelling at each other as that had stopped about forty five minutes ago. No, now it was straight up fisticuffs.
Shade: Snot stain!
Beast Boy: Rabid dog!
Shade: Demented leprechaun!
Beast Boy: Rover!
Oh yes. They were still yelling in between blows. Raven thought back to how this all began.
: CUE THEME :
Flashback
Raven stared at Nightwing in disbelief. She must not have heard him right.
Raven: I'm sorry, what?
Nighwing: You, Shade, and Beast Boy are staying in the tower. We've got to go after Blood. He's already established several new HIVE academies across the globe. Somebody has to stay here and guard the city.
Cyborg, Starfire, and Terra were all prepping the T-ship. Sureshot was coming along as well, wanting revenge against Blood for what he tried to do to her. She also wanted to know how he survived the whole thing, as she was sure she had killed him. While Raven would have relished spending time alone with Shade, adding Beast Boy was asking for trouble.
Raven: Why can't Titans East take care of it? Or make a new group out of the honorary Titans?
Nightwing: They're all busy.
Raven: Nightwing…please have mercy.
Nightwing put his hand on her shoulder. Her eye twitched and he removed it. You don't touch Raven unless Raven touches you first.
Nightwing: You'll be fine.
Raven: Will THEY be fine?
Raven gestured toward Beast Boy and Shade.
Beast Boy: Raven, we've totally grown up.
Shade: Yeah, we've put all our differences behind us.
Nightwing: See?
Raven sighed.
Raven: You won't be gone too long, right?
Nightwing: Back before you know it.
Raven: …good luck then.
Nightwing smiled and helped the others prepare to leave. Raven decided to help out as well.
Present
Raven felt the couch jar as the two rolled into it. Oh yeah. They put their difference behind them…for about a day. Raven groaned in frustration.
Raven: Knock it off!
Beast Boy and Shade disengaged. They were beaten and bloody.
Raven: What are you two going to do if the alarm goes off? You're exhausted and already beaten up.
Shade and Beast Boy looked down at the ground. She was right. Of course logical only reigned for a second or two.
Shade: He started it.
Beast Boy: Oh I so totally did not!
Raven felt her temper slipping. Rather then suppress it, she welcomed it. Maybe scaring these two would make them behave.
Raven/Red: WOULD YOU TWO SHITHEADS BE SILENT FOR FIVE MINUTES! IF YOU DON'T PUT A FRICKING CORK IN IT, I'LL RIP YOUR TONGUES OUT!
The two gulped and ran from the room. Raven sighed and her cloak shifted back to blue.
Raven: That's better.
She picked up her book and began to read.
Hallway
The pair panted after running for such a long distance.
Beast Boy: I think…she…isn't chasing us.
Shade: Th…that's good.
Beast Boy crossed his arms.
Beast Boy: Dude, that just pisses me off.
Shade: What does?
Beast Boy: Raven! She thinks just because she can be all big and scary she can tell us what to do.
Shade shrugged.
Shade: I don't mind it.
Beast Boy: Oh come on. The way she expects you to do everything you ask? The way she gives a command then walks away, KNOWING you'll obey?
Shade thought about it. The boy had a point. Raven always did seem to think she owned him.
Shade: …you have a point, Grass Stain.
Beast Boy: I say we do something about it.
Shade raised his hands.
Shade: Oh no. Not me. I know better then to mess with her, especially when it involves working with you. I piss her off enough just being me.
Shade walked off.
Shade: (calling back to him) You do what you want. I'm going to smooth things over with her.
Beast Boy: Yeah go on! You are soooo whipped!
Shade: I'm not whipped!
He was totally whipped. Beast Boy scratched his head. How was he going to get back at her? He'd need something good. Ordinary pranks wouldn't work on Raven. She'd just get mad. He needed something special. He had learned not to mess with magic a while back…maybe technology could help him. To Cyborg's room with him!
Main Room
Raven straightened as she heard the door open.
Raven: (coldly) What?
Shade cleared his throat.
Shade: Uh…Raven? I just wanted to apologize.
Raven didn't respond. Shade sighed.
Shade: Raven, come on.
Raven: …sit down.
Shade hopped over the couch and sat down next to her.
Shade: Look, baby, I'm sorry.
Raven put her book down and crossed her arms.
Raven: …and?
Shade: (sighing) And I know that you don't like to let Red take control for any period of time and that it was our fault it happened and I'm sorry. Beast Boy and I will stay out of the same room until the others get back.
Raven nodded, feeling that that was good idea. Raven sighed and leaned against him.
Raven: Smart move.
Shade: Forgive me?
Raven: I'm in a good mood.
Raven sighed and nuzzled against his neck.
Raven: Surprising, under the circumstances, but a good mood nonetheless.
Beast Boy carefully snuck into the room, device at the ready. He remembered Cyborg telling him about a time manipulating device. Cyborg was actually planning on using it to return his body to the state it was in before the accident. Melissa talked him out of it, saying that she liked him as Cyborg better. She said that if he did that he wouldn't be a superhero anymore and he'd have to leave the Titans. That was enough to make him change his mind. It seems the invention was already set. Beast Boy grinned devilishly. He was going to use it to stop time and set up the grand master of all pranks. This was going to be good. He looked the device over. It seemed simple enough. Just like a TV remote. The labels were missing, but that was okay. He knew almost every remote like the back of his hand. Sad really. He pressed a button that should have been pause. What he didn't know was that Cyborg didn't get around to properly adjusting any of it. Raven and Shade were interrupted by a thud. They turned and saw a device on the floor and a pile of Beast Boy's clothes.
Raven: …okay. This is the lamest prank I've ever seen.
Shade: Maybe it's supposed to be bait or…
Something in the pile of clothes moved. To their shock a little green toddler crawled out.
Raven: …oh…
Shade: …shit.
The baby just cried.
Ten Minutes Later
Raven called up Cyborg. He had to know what the device was. Shade held the crying child, what had to be Beast Boy in his arms. He wouldn't stop thrashing. Cyborg finally appeared on the screen. From the looks of it, they were in the middle of combat.
Cyborg: This better be important, ya'll!
Raven: What in Azar's name have you been working on! Beast Boy's turned himself into a baby!
Shade sniffed and groaned. He held the baby further away from him.
Shade: And he just took a freaking dump!
Cyborg: Aw, hell. He got the damn time remote.
Raven: What the…no, no it's not important. How do we fix it?
Cyborg ducked an attack and slammed a HIVE solider to the ground before talking again.
Cyborg: You don't. It'll wear off. I never could make it permanent.
Shade: How long?
Cyborg: Few days I guess. Week at the most.
Raven and Shade stared at him with dropped jaws. Cyborg swore as another blast went past him.
Cyborg: Look, I got to go. Just take care of him. You'll be fine. You handled kids before, right?
Raven: Cyborg, don't you dare…
The communication was cut. Raven sighed and hung her head.
Shade: …what are we supposed to do now?
Raven: Well, first we need supplies.
Shade: I was talking about a more immediate solution to our more immediate problem. Jeez, how much tofu did he eat before this!
Raven scrunched up her nose and backed away.
Raven: Just great. I'll go buy the stuff…keep him clean or something.
Shade: Wha…what? No way! You keep him clean.
Raven: Okay…let's be fair.
Raven floated up and took a quarter off the top of the TV. She had no idea how change got up there. She was glad though. She didn't want to dig though the couch again. Oh the horrible things she found. She held up the quarter, flipping to show both sides. That proved it was legit.
Raven: We flip for
it.
Shade: That's fair.
Raven: Okay then. Heads I win. Tails you lose.
Shade: Right.
Raven tossed the coin up and it landed tail on the floor. Raven "tsked" and shook her head.
Raven: Sorry. Tails you lose.
Shade: Aw…hey, wait a minute! You tricked me!
Raven: Not my fault you didn't pay attention. I'll be going now.
Shade stuck his tongue out at her as she headed for the door. She turned and he covered his mouth.
Raven: Be careful with him.
Shade: Right, right.
Raven went to her room to change into civilian attire. She had no pockets in costume and needed a place to keep her…stuff. She wasn't much for purses. They were just pointless bags. …she preferred small backpacks. Shade grumbled to himself before turning to the baby.
Shade: …so what is it you babies DO anyway?
Beast Boy blew a spit bubble. Shade shuddered.
Shade: Sorry I asked. Damn.
Super Market
Rachel (Raven) held up two different brands of diapers, trying to see the difference.
Rachel: (muttering) Super absorbent…leak prevention…what's the difference?
She shrugged, decided that if it was super absorbent, it most likely prevented leaks as well. As she did she heard some people talking.
Gossiping Woman 1: Say, isn't that young lady one of the Teen Titans?
Gossiping Woman 2: I believe you're right Margaret.
Rachel sighed. What was the point of dressing in normal clothes if they spotted her anyway? She was prepared for autograph questions, spouting of meaningless gratitude, and even to be questioned for her "reckless behavior". She didn't expect what came next.
Gossiping Woman 1: Buying diapers. You don't think…?
Gossiping Woman 2: Why not, dear? Bunch of hormone-driven teenagers in a tower with no adult supervision…wouldn't surprise me if they held daily orgies up there.
Rachel stopped in mid-step and whirled around.
Rachel: Excuse me!
Rachel had been called many things. Insane, evil, the cause of the end of all life, but she had never been insulted like THAT before…at least not by normal people. She expected to hear things like that from villains who just got their asses kicked.. The two women looked surprised. She stormed up to the pair.
Rachel: It's not MY child. Furthermore, I don't take kindly to people insulting my friends. You may think all teenagers are wild and irresponsible, but we're not. We risk our lives for you people, the least you could do is keep thoughts about our moral conduct to yourselves!
The woman looked shocked. Rachel took a deep breath and let it out.
Rachel: Sorry. I've had a rough day. Excuse me.
Rachel grabbed her cart and started off again. She still needed baby power, baby food, and formulated milk. She didn't hear them start again. If she had, she might have screamed in frustration.
Gossiping Woman 2: Oh my lord, did you SEE that thing on her forehead?
Gossiping Woman 1: And so pale! She must have some horrible disease.
Rachel approached one of the employees.
Rachel: (near muttering) Excuse me. Where's the baby food?
Her eyes widened when the person turned around. It was HIM. That strange gothic boy. She had first encountered him when Blackfire came to Earth. Since then he had been almost everywhere she looked. In the park, on the streets, he was there. It was creeping her out. Maybe he wouldn't recognize her.
Goth Boy: Hey, it's you. Remember me? That rave about two years ago?
Rachel wanted to bash her head on a solid object.
Rachel: …you asked me if I liked show tunes. …I don't.
Goth Boy: Baby food, huh? What for? You and that boyfriend of yours haven't had a kid…
Rachel: …how do you know about that? He and I don't do public displays of affections…
Goth Boy looked nervous.
Goth Boy: Er…aisle four.
Rachel's eyes narrowed but she let it slide. She went to get the food.
Titan Tower: Bathroom
Shade couldn't take the smell anymore. He took Beast Boy into the bathroom. He didn't have a diaper…so he would have to use something else. But what? …paper towels. They were absorbent, right?
Shade: The quicker picker upper should do the trick…right?
Beast Boy just looked at him with uncomprehending eyes. Shade disposed of Beast Boy's soiled oversized underwear…through a shadow void… then put the paper towels around him. Obviously it wasn't going to stay.
Shade: Uh…duct tape!
Yes, duct tape! The miracle invention! That would hold the makeshift diaper in place.
Shade: Man, Raven would be impressed with my ingenuity, wouldn't she?
Beast Boy looked strangely doubtful. Shade scowled.
Shade: Ah, what do YOU know?
Beast Boy started crying. Shade swore and covered his ears.
Shade: What? What do you want now? You're clean! I even had to wipe your sorry green ass! Shut your freaking mouth!
Beast Boy: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Shade growled and shoved his face into Beast Boy's.
Shade: SHUT UP!
Silence.
Beast Boy: …WAAA…!
Shade: Ah, ah, ah…SHUT UP!
Beast Boy giggled. Shade groaned. He was getting tired of this already and it had only been twenty minutes since Raven left.
Shade: …I'm getting a vasectomy.
END PART ONE