The Estate Agent of Houses and Cheesy Grins Galore!
(in bored voice) I don't own anything to do with LOTR.
In the ShireFrodo: Sammy! I'm back!
(Sam walks out of his kitchen and rubs his eyes vigorously.)
Sam: Mister Frodo? But I thought you were goned to the Undying lands?
Frodo: Gone Sammy, the word is gone.
Sam: All right Mister Frodo, no need to be so pendantic.
Frodo: I'm not pedantic Sammy, and the word is pedantic, not pendantic.
(Sam raises his eyebrows at Frodo. Frodo opens his arms.)
Frodo: Aren't you going to give me a welcome home kiss Sammy?
Sam brightens up and moves towards Frodo. They get very close and then-
(this is a clean fic, repeat, a clean fic.)
Sam: Why aren't you in the Undying lands Mister Frodo?
Frodo: I came back because it was deadly dull and also because I wanted to be with you!
(oh, well, no sex, or kissing.)
Frodo: Let's buy a house to live together in!
(Sam turns to the camera.)
Sam: What sort of house will Mister Frodo look for? Will he be able to find his
trusty local estate agent? Find out more on Saturday afternoons at 3:40pm,
every Saturday!
(He and Frodo give cheesy grins and thumbs up.)
Pippin is sitting at a desk with 'H4GH' displayed behind him on a screen. A
voice calls.
Random voice: Lights, Camera, Action!
Pippin turns to camera complete with cheesy grin.
Pippin: Hello folks and welcome to tonight's edition of Houses for Gay
Hobbits!
(A/N Oops, I, did it again. Starts to try to sing like Britney Spears. Result is a
pie in the face)
We carry on from last Saturday to help Frodo and Sam find their perfect dream
house! Let's see what our specialist house finders, Boromir and Legolas have
come up with so far!
Pippin turns to screen where Leggie and Borry's ugly faces have appeared
giving cheesy grins.
Boromir: Thank you Pippin, thank you! Now Legolas and I are here in
Buckland, having found a beautiful house called Crickhollow that we are sure
newly weds (A/N kill me, kill me now) Frodo and Sam will love! Here they are
now! Over to you Leggie!
Legolas: (gives cheesy grin.) thank you Boromir and now, hi to Frodo and
Sam!
(Frodo and Sam wave at the camera.)
Legolas: aren't they just so cute? Ahahahahahahah!
(Frodo and Sam look surprised and Boromir's cheesy grin is slowly sliding off
his face. Someone off camera points this out and Boromir gets out his PVA
glue and quickly re-sticks his grin back on. )
Legolas: now Frodo and Sam, what, exactly, what kind of house are you
looking for?
Frodo: pretty small, you know, one bedroom, one bathroom, one kitchen, one
sitting room-
Sam: one house.
Frodo: yeah one house, what? Well duh Sam!
Sam: sorry mister Frodo.
Legolas: ( turns to camera) Frodo is obviously the dominant one in this
relationship! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more! (coughs and turns back
to Frodo and Sam.) but as there's two of you, surly you'd prefer two
bedrooms?
(Boromir, still with cheesy grin which is starting to smell on his face leans
towards Legolas and whispers something out of the corner of his cheesy grin.)
Legolas: right, well what about this lovely place here in Buckland,
Crickhollow?
Frodo; (shakes his head) we had this when I was about to go on the ring of
doom quest. Too big.
Legolas: (whose smile s also beginning to fall off.) well you could have told us
you'd been here before before the show couldn't you?
Frodo: you should have known to begin with!
Legolas: you stupid hobbit!
Sam: don't you talk to mister Frodo like that you legless girl!
Boromir; don't you talk to Legolas like that!
(Gollum's head appears at the edge of the screen.)
Gollum: yeah, stupid fat hobbit!
(gollum's head disappears again. Fight breaks out. Cuts to Pippin.)
Pippin: thank you Leg of Bor! Leg of bor! Get it? Get it, it's funny right?
(Pippin looks around hopefully.) No? Ok. Well anyway, er, oh yeah, here is a
king who runs his own estate agent's called 'Arwen is so Bootiful'! See, king's
get down and dirty like the rest of us, while sitting in their golden
thrones, stuffing their faces with everything nice while we work our butts off
for them! (someone coughs off camera. Pippin's cheesy grin has been in place
throughout all of this.) Right, er, King Aragorn! Welcome!
Aragorn: thanks, but er, what am I doing here?
Pippin: you're Frodo and Sam's estate agent aren't you?
Aragorn: no.
Pippin: well get your shining ass out of here! Look at me! I'm a telly presenter,
and what are you? A king! Ha! (Aragorn backs out of view carefully as Pippin
bursts into tears. Camera cuts to Pippin again, with face very obviously made
up with blue eyeliner, pink cheeks, etc.)
Pippin: (sniffs) and here is Frodo and Sam's estate agent, a ringwraith who runs
'Ringwraiths r cool man'! Welcome!
Ringwraith: Not. Baggins's. Agent.
Pippin: right.
I'm bored of this. I'll update later.