Chapter 7
They start simple. That Friday after school, her friends come over. They head down into her basement, turn on her karaoke machine, and have a blast singing casually. They make sure someone is frequently recording the festivities; both the singing and the goofing off among friends. Rachel sits between Tina and Mercedes, laughing at Noah and Mike very over-dramatically singing a love song to one another. The absolute over the top energy has everyone in stitches.
While they're confident Rachel will get better and go into remission, they decide there's not reason not to have as much fun as often as possible together (as long as they still get their homework and studying done). So on Saturday, the friends head to Santana's house. The Latina has the biggest tv and best sound system in the group, so its the best place for a movie marathon. They spend the entire day watching movie and eating popcorn. Rachel sleeps through a lot of it, but they attribute it to how long they stayed up singing the night before. And she's not the only one who napped during the movie day. Everyone ended up napping for at least a little while at some point. Later in the day, when everyone's awake, they have the idea to make a huge fort. The use the furniture, sheets, and pillows to make a huge pillow fort. They even string up soft fairy lights inside, giving it a cozy feel. Despite being cozy, some of the boys convince them it's the best time to watch a horror movie. Since they're all curled up together on the floor in a cozy, well-lit pillow fort, the rest agree. Even though some of them kept covering their eyes or clutching one another, they had a good time and a good laugh over how scared they got.
Rachel now goes to school two half days a week and homeschools the rest of the time. She sleeps more, which she hates. When she's awake, she tries to either do something productive or something fun.
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Puck had the next idea. It wasn't technically legal, nor was it illegal, but was deemed innocent (and amusing) enough that the rest agreed. Not everyone would be participating, per se. Some would be spectators. Some would be a distraction. Despite them all tentatively agreeing to it, it was decided that, just to be safe, parents would not be told. Unless they got caught. They timed it well. Puck insisted it'd be best to go immediately after school in the middle of the week. Which is how the group of friends found themselves at the Peacock Town Mall, just outside of Lima. Peacock isn't even the name of the town. It's Burdock. None of them know how the tiny mall got its name, but what they do know is that many of the shops are closed and it has very little foot traffic. Local news has discussed tearing it down to build an auto mall or redesigning it to put offices inside instead of stores. The group of teens determined it to be a good target for Puck's plan because they're unlikely to be recognized, ever return, or get caught.
The group wanders in, pretending to browse at the few remaining stores, and eyeing the drowsy security guards. One is playing solitaire. Another looks asleep. Or possibly dead. Smirking, Puck and Finn grab the plastic sleds from Puck's truck and casually carry them inside. On the first floor Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, and Tina are positioned to watch and record the event. Sam, Mike, and Quinn are set to be distractions and/or barriers. Up on the second floor, by the top of the escalators, Rachel, Brittany, and Santana wait for the boys, giggling uncontrollably. There are two sets of escalators, facing one another. They're timing it so that each sled takes its riders down at the same time. Puck and Rachel are going down one slide. Brittany and Santana are going down the other. Once they hit the bottom, the expect to be chased out. The plan is for half the group to take off for the cars. Brittany and Santana are to run their slide back up to the top, where Finn will be waiting. He'll ride down alone while the girls race for a different exit than the others left through. This will both give Finn a chance to go down the escalator on the sled and create an additional distraction for the security guards. The hope is that the guards will be more interested in Finn, who is still going down the escalator, and not the others who are done and leaving quickly. Rachel is still giggling while settling on the sled in front of Puck. His devil-may-care grin makes her own grin widen and soothes her nerves.
"Ready, Jew-babe?"
"Ready, Noah."
Across the way, Brittany and Santana are settled on their own sled and raise their hands to signal that they are prepared to descend. Rachel glances below and sees her friends smirking and pointing their phones in their direction. Her heart pounds, but with excitement, not fear. She'd never admit to it, but sometimes she likes Puck's "bad boy" side. She grips his arms and he holds the reigns. The shoppers close enough to see them pause to watch. Some look amused. Some look irritated. One young mother immediately turns to her young son, firmly saying "no" while he's bouncing hopefully on his feet, looking thrilled.
"Hey! What are you kids doing?"
Their eyes widen. "GO GO GO!"
They lean and down they go. It's not a far way down, and it is bumpy, but it is fast and fun. Rachel shrieks and laughs, gripping Puck's arms for dear life and leaning back against his chest. His deep laugh fills her ears over the scraping sound of the plastic slide on the escalator steps. They hit the bottom and slide for several more yards. Mike jumps forward to make sure they don't hit the edge of the fountain coming up. They don't. They fall sideways off the sled, laughing hysterically. Thudding feet and shouts inform Rachel that she needs to move quickly. Unfortunately, her legs don't obey. She can't move fast. Puck can. He ignores the sled and easily lifts Rachel, tossing her over his shoulder and taking off at a run. His shoulder pushes into her stomach with each step, but she won't complain. He's getting them out of there quickly so they don't get caught and get in trouble. Ignoring the pain (and the knowledge that she'll bruise badly from this), she laughs. She lifts her head to look behind her. Mike grabbed the sled and is following them with a wide grin stretching across his face. Behind him, Kurt is running as fast as he can. The fashionable boy looks panicked, his hands flailing as he runs. It makes Rachel laugh harder.
They jump into Puck's truck. Rachel and Puck sit in the cab. Mike throws the sled in the back, then dives in after it. Kurt and Tina jump in as well. Their tires squeal as they peel out of the parking lot and cross the street. They're meeting up in the parking lot behind the library across the street. Not far, but out of sight. Rachel is already a little breathless from laughing so hard, but then the relief of escaping without getting caught causes them to start up again. She presses a hand to her already aching stomach, laughing so hard she's gasping for breath. With her free hand, she wipes tears of mirth off her cheeks. Hidden behind the library, Puck parks and turns off the engine. Their laughter calms while they wait for the others. And wait. And wait. They start fidgeting anxiously.
"What if they got caught?" Kurt asks.
Puck gives a careless shrug. "Then they got caught. Sucks for them."
Rachel smacks his arm. "They're our friends! And it was your idea!"
"They agreed to it! Besides, Q and Sam were supposed to cause a diversion."
Before they can speculate anymore, Santana's SUV pulls around the building. Mercedes is following in her own car. Both vehicles are filled with their friends so they all relax. They get out of their cars and stand in a clump.
"You get caught?"
"Nah," Finn says easily, stuffing his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels, "we were faster than them. And Sam knocked the younger security dude into the fountain."
Everyone turns to the blond boy in surprise. He blushes. "That was actually an accident."
"How?"
"I panicked!"
The ones who took pictures and video share them with everyone else and they spend a couple minutes watching them and laughing. Rachel smiles, but wonders if she should ask to be brought home. Her head and stomach are really hurting and she's tired. Brittany wraps an arm around her waist, letting her lean against her.
"That was fun." The cheerleader says happily.
"It really was. I don't think I'd want to do it again, but I'm glad I did it." Rachel admits.
The others smile and nod, agreeing with her. Rachel leans more heavily into Brittany while the others clap Puck on the back to thank him for his idea. The boy accepts it with a grin. "It was this or have everyone get high."
The others laugh, but then the laughter tapers off and they share a look.
"Um, marijuana eases pain and discomfort, right?" Santana asks, eyeing Rachel.
Puck nods. "Yeah." Then his eyes follow hers. "Oh. Hey, yeah. It does."
"Wait, are we really going to….." Artie trails off, both alarmed and curious.
The others shrug uncertainly. It's food for thought. Thankfully, for Rachel's sake, they agree it's time to head back home. She makes sure to kiss Puck's cheek before separating.
"Thank you, Noah. That was fun. A slightly scary, slightly illegal, kind of insane, but awesome adventure. Thank you."
He grins easily, but she sees the hint of blush on his cheeks.
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"I've got the next activity!" Finn announces, hurrying into the choir room.
It's not a day Rachel comes, so they can talk freely without worrying about being overheard and ruining the surprise. The others look over at him curiously.
"This isn't anything romantic, is it?" Quinn asks, leaning forward.
Finn hesitates. "Um…..it's not meant to be, but it easily could be. Why?"
The head cheerleader shakes her head. "Is this an attempt to give her a fun memory? Or an attempt to get back with her?"
"No, it's…..it's just something fun. It's something she told me about when we were dating. Something she'd always wanted to do."
The others share a look, debating.
"Let's at least hear him out." Sam decides.
The others agree. Finn shares his idea and they perk up. It could easily become something romantic, but they are determined to keep romance out of it. It can be magical and fun all on it's own. Kurt and most of the girls agree to help with decorating and setting up. The boys agree to gather the needed supplies. They work out when would be best to do it and make their plans to go after school and set up on Friday and Saturday morning. Then, Saturday night, they'll bring Rachel to the spot. Even though Puck complained about it being lame, a lot of the other kids were getting excited. Mike pulls Finn aside.
"Look, I know you still have feelings for her. I'm glad this event isn't an attempt to get back together with her."
Finn shoves his hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. "No, I know I don't deserve her."
"It's also just not a good time for her to start a relationship with someone. She needs to focus on her health."
Finn glowers at him. "I know."
"Alright. Just don't forget it. Keep it in mind if you start getting fuzzy feelings. Ignore them. It's about her and what she needs. Not what you want."
"I know that." Finn snaps. "I love her. I'm not going to risk adding to her stress or upsetting her."
"That's all I needed to hear."
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Rachel wakes to Tina laying on the bed with her and Mike sitting next to it, his feet up on it. She snorts and kicks his feet, knocking them off. He laughs. She pushes herself up to a sitting position and runs her fingers through her hair. She's given up being embarrassed about sleeping or waking up looking bad around them. She's learned that they truly don't care how she looks and won't tease her about it.
"Good morning! Or should I say afternoon?" Tina teases.
Rachel groans. "Is it really? I got up earlier, I was up for a while, but then….."
"You got tired again?" Mike asks softly.
"Dizzy. I passed out. One of my dads must have carried me back to bed." She admits.
Tina hugs her and presses her cheek against hers. "How are you now?"
"Better. Not dizzy."
"Good. Can we make a request and just have you trust us?"
Rachel eyes them in bemusement before smiling. "Sure."
"Let's eat something and we'll watch a movie or something, then can you promise to take another nap? Get more sleep?"
"Why?"
Her two Asian friends share a conspiratorial smile. "We have plans for tonight. For you. But you need to be rested for it."
"Do I get to know anything at all about it?"
"Not right now." Mike grins. "We'll tell you more later. But you do have to promise us a couple things."
"Like?"
"Like you'll be completely honest with us. First, if you don't feel well or don't feel up to doing anything, we can reschedule. It's no big deal. Second, if you're not having fun, tell us. The whole point of tonight is to have fun."
She smiles at them. "Okay. I can promise that. But, um, Shelby is coming over tomorrow."
"When? In the morning?"
"No, the afternoon."
"That should be fine. You'll nap this afternoon, be out tonight, and you can sleep all morning tomorrow."
She's not thrilled with it, but decides it's not worth arguing. Not when they're going out of their way to do something special for her. Instead, she smiles. "Okay."
Mike helps her stand, then leaves the room so Tina can help her dress. The three have lunch together, then settle on the couch to watch a movie as planned. Rachel watches the movie, but she also watches her friends. Friends. She smiles slightly. Being sick has really sucked. But having friends? That has been pretty wonderful. After the movie Mike helps her up the stairs. He keeps an arm around her waist and rambles on about the part of the movie that really annoyed him. She leans on him, knowing he is more than strong enough to support her weight and happy to carry her. Mike has been really good about supporting her without making a big deal out of it, letting her feel somewhat normal. He's a good friend. Her best friend. She hugs her friends and settles in for a nap, knowing they'll be back in a few hours but not knowing why. She's just happy to know her friends enjoy her company enough to want to come back to spend more time with her. She falls asleep with a smile on her face.
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Mike watches Rachel finish pulling on her outer layers. He'd warned her to dress warmly. He also made sure she's wearing a hat, scarf, and gloves. Once she's ready, he leads her to his car.
"Where's Tina? I thought she was coming too." She says while putting on her seatbelt.
"She's already there."
"And where is there? Do I get to know now?"
Mike smiles at her. "No."
Rachel gives him an annoyed look, but he can see through it. She's annoyed, but only mildly. He can tell it's mostly for show. He laughs and tugs lightly on her winter hat. She swats his hand away and readjusts the hat.
"We're not going far." He states while backing out of her driveway.
It doesn't take long to get there. He parks and jogs around the car, a little miffed that she's getting out alone. She doesn't always need walking, but she gets tired, dizzy, or weak often enough that it's better if someone is always by her side. But Rachel Berry is nothing if not stubborn. He takes her arm gallantly and leads her on the path through the park.
"Why are we in the park at night? A nighttime picnic?"
"Not exactly. But sort of. I think."
Rachel cocks an eyebrow up at him. "That was the most uncertain response you could have possibly given. Do you even know where we're going or what we're doing?"
"Yes, I do! I'm just leaving it a surprise."
"Hmmm."
Mike watches her face as they get closer. He's glad he does, because he gets to see her expression fist hand when she sees the set up waiting for her. The pond has frozen over. The girls wrapped fairy lights around the trees surrounding the pond. Then they stretched more lights from tree to tree across the pond. The entire area is lit up by soft, glittery fairy lights. Even Mike has to admit it looks magical. On the ground around the pond and an area before the pond, they set up lanterns with candles inside. The guys set up two booths; one is a supply booth where they can swap their boots for ice skates and the other is a hot cocoa booth. The group of friends also made sure to bring a bunch of outdoor furniture covered in cushions and blankets. The Fabray's donated a propane fueled fire pit, set up in the middle of a group of chairs and already burning merrily. Music is playing from the outdoor speakers they set up all around the area. Rachel's jaw drops and her eyes light up. As her gaze slowly passes over everything, taking it all in, her expression moves from shock to awe. Her eyes actually sparkle and her smile stretches widely across her face. Mike hopes to God someone is taking pictures of her expression right now. She looks up at him, glowing and bouncing in excitement.
"Ice skating under fairy lights?!"
Her thrilled tone warms him. "Yup. Ready to hit the ice?"
"Yes!"
First, of course, Rachel hugs everyone and thanks them for setting this up. Then, she's led over to where Mercedes and Sam have her sit on a bench and hand her a pair of ice skates. Mike hurries to put on his own ice skates. Her dads made him promise that someone always be by her side; especially on the ice. He's ready by the time she is and she happily takes his hand and lets him lead her to the ice. Just before stepping on, she pauses, looking uncertain.
"Wait, don't you want to skate with Tina first?" She looks over to where his girlfriend is putting on her own skates.
Mike shakes his head. "Later. She'll join us soon."
Together, they slide across the ice. Slowly at first, but gaining confidence as they go. Rachel's wide smile stays in place the entire time. They start off skating arm in arm, then Mike tuns backwards and takes her hands, pulling her along. She laughs. She surprises him by not just being an excellent skater, but having the energy to skate/dance along to the music with him. He definitely prefers dancing on a stage. But just for a moment, he pictures gliding across the ice with his best friend and performing incredible figure skating performances. Tina and the others join them (though poor Artie sits out). Mike eventually relinquishes his hold on Rachel and lets her glide across the ice alone. Thankfully, with everyone on the small pond at the same time, she's never truly alone. People are always within arms reach of her. He feels Tina slide her hand into his and the couple skates peacefully around. Mike keeps looking over at Rachel. Her smile hasn't left her face. She spent a little while skating around, mostly on her own. Now, she's alternating who she skates with, leaning on their arm. He sees she's slowing down, but she's having too much fun and clearly not willing to leave the ice just yet.
After a while, the group leaves the ice to take a break. No one says it's because Rachel was clearly tiring, but no one needed to. They grab hot chocolate and settle on the seats, wrapping up in blankets, and sitting near the fire. The group talks and laughs for a while. Mike was glad when Rachel left her spot with the girls to come sit next to him. Sitting between his girlfriend and his best friend on an awesome night like this brings him the utmost joy. People start going back out on the ice, but some choose to stay by the fire to talk and keep Artie company. He'd insisted he was happy managing the music, hot cocoa, and taking pictures and videos of the night, but no one wanted him to be left alone for long. Rachel eventually went over to sit near him.
"Thank you for helping set this up, Artie."
The wheelchair-bound boy smiles cheerily at her. "You're welcome!"
"I'm sorry you had to help set up but then can't fully participate."
He waves her off easily. "It's no big deal. Honestly. I'm having fun recording everyone and taking pictures."
Rachel puts her hand on his arm. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Now go back out there, girl!"
Rachel laughs lightly. Mike is about to walk over to offer her a hand up when Finn beats him to it. The tall Asian watches warily as the smitten quarterback leads her back out onto the ice.
"He won't try anything." Santana assures him.
"How are you so sure?"
"We threatened him."
Mike smirks. Quinn joins them. "And he promised that he won't try to get back together with her. He knows it's not what's best for her."
"But it's what he wants."
"It is, yeah."
"Is it what she wants?" Brittany questions. "Maybe…if they both want it…."
Santana and Mike are already shaking their heads. Santana takes over explaining.
"No, Britt. She's…she's really sick. She's dying. She needs to focus on getting better, not have the stress of a relationship. Especially a relationship that has already failed in the past."
"It's better if he's just a friend to her now." Mike confirms.
Brittany bites her lip, still uncertain. "But if it'd make Rachie happy….."
"It might," Santana agrees, taking her hand, "but it's more likely to stress her out. She doesn't need that."
"And Finn might love her, but he's still pretty selfish. It'd still mostly be about him, not her. He'd have to grow up a little more to deserve her."
Brittany sighs. "Okay. I get it."
Mike goes back out on the ice where Finn and Rachel and slowly gliding along the edge, arms linked, heads bent, talking. He smiles. She still looks thrilled. He has to admit that Finn's idea was awesome. Granted, his idea was really Rachel's. Finn just listened, remembered it, and passed the information on to the others at an appropriate time. But still, this would not have been possible without Finn. It seems she realized this too and is thanking him. After making sure she's had a chance to skate with everyone at least once, she once again is obviously starting to tire. Mike wraps an arm around her, intending to suggest one last lap before calling it a night. Rachel, however, has other ideas.
"This has all been wonderful. Thank you, Mike!"
"You're welcome. It's been fun for everyone."
Rachel glances around. "I guess it has. And I know it has to end soon, but…..there's something I'd like to do first."
When she doesn't immediately elaborate, he squeezes her gently. "What do you want to do?"
"It's silly." Her gaze drops self-consciously.
"Even better! We love silly!"
She grins up at him. "Okay, um…..I'd like….I'd like to lie down on the ice. On my back. And look up at the fairy lights and stars beyond."
She's watching him for a reaction. He smiles widely. "I think that sounds awesome! Let's do it."
Mike brings them to the center of the pond. He's about to help her down when he realizes everyone else would probably panic upon seeing it. He waves his arms, getting their attention. They're quickly surrounded by curious teenagers.
"We're gonna lay down and look up at the lights and sky." He tells them.
Noah and Finn don't appear interested, but most of the others do. The group spreads out to give everyone room and lie on their backs. Mike has to admit, it looks nice. It's very pretty. He sits up a little when he hears a slight commotion by the bank. Noah and Finn are carrying a fussing Artie onto the ice to join them. The paralyzed boy is arguing that it's kind of them, but not necessary. The two football players are cheerfully ignoring him and bringing him to be part of the group. Mike goes back to looking skyward. The soft fairy lights are at the edge of his vision. If he keeps looking straight up, he can make out a couple stars twinkling far above. Sure, it's nice, but he's not sure why Rachel wanted this so badly. He turns his head to look at her. She's between him and Tina. Her eyes are scanning the sky and she's still smiling. A single tear makes its way down her cheek. Mike frowns, watching for any sign of distress on her face. There's none. Knowing she doesn't like a fuss being made about her illness, Mike reaches out and grabs her hand. She looks over at him and sees his concern. Silently, she shakes her head. So either nothing is wrong or she doesn't want to discuss it right now. Still frowning, Mike releases her hand. He looks up at the sky, but keeps glancing periodically at her. From her other side, he sees Tina doing the same. So it wasn't a single tear. Meaning she's crying. More tears follow. The smile on her face is fading. Mike wracks his brain, trying to pinpoint what could be upsetting her. The problem, he realizes, is there are too many things. But it'd be safe to assume it has to do with her being sick. Dying. Or maybe about the still fairly new friendships in her life. He releases a shaky breath.
"When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care"
Mike's head snaps over to her. So does everyone else's. Smiles spread across everyone's faces as Rachel continues to sing.
"And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night"
The rest join in on the chorus, harmonizing with her.
"You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I'll come running and running, yeah yeah
Yeah
To see you again
Winter spring summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will"
They go on, singing the rest of the song, getting louder and stronger. It takes Mike a minute to realize that while they get louder, Rachel gets softer. Then she stopped singing entirely and just continues to stare up at the sky, smiling and listening peacefully.
"Ain't it good to know
You've got a friend."
The song ends. Everyone is smiling. Some, like Rachel and Tina, are teary or flat out crying. They all know why Rachel started singing that song. They all understand what the sentiment behind it means to her. He hopes she knows she matters just as much to them. She is their friend as much as they are hers. He needs to make that clear to her.
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Rachel stretches languidly. Last night had been magical. Ice skating on a small frozen pond, in the middle of the night, surrounded by fairy lights, listening to music, and joined by a group of friends? It went beyond anything she had dreamed of when she'd mentioned it to Finn last year. Then finishing up the night by singing together was the cherry on top. She'd been so tired she'd been shaking by the time Mike got her back to his car, but it'd been worth it. She needs to get up. Shelby will be coming by later and she wants to shower first. She sighs, thinking of the stool now sitting in her shower. She needs to be able to sit at times. She hates it.
"Sweetheart?" A knock on the door from her Dad.
"Yes?"
He opens the door and peers in. "Shelby just called."
Rachel sits up. "Is she cancelling?"
"No, no!" Her dad hurries to comfort her. "Nothing like that. She just wanted to confirm that you're still up for it. I told her you are, but that I'd ask you and text her back if you're too tired. It's fine either way. We know you had a late night and Shelby can come another time."
Rachel runs her fingers through her hair. "I'm up for it."
Her dad's eyes carefully examine her face. "Okay. But it's also okay if that changes at any time."
"I know. You can tell her we're still on and I'm gonna hop in the shower."
"Alright. We'll have breakfast ready for you whoever you come down."
"Breakfast? Don't you mean lunch?"
"Well it's your first meal of the day, so since you're breaking your fast, it's your breakfast."
Rachel rolls her eyes. "Whatever you say, Dad."
He kisses her cheek before leaving. She doesn't spend long in the shower, wanting to make sure she has time to dry her hair, dress, and eat before Shelby arrives. She tries not to think about how much longer it takes her to get those things done these days. Thankfully, it's all finished and she's ready by the time Shelby walks through the door. Rachel stands to greet her. Their hug is a tad awkward, but Rachel feels it's better to have awkward hugs than no hugs at all. She's also glad that they're able to jump into conversation a little easier this time. Shelby is thrilled to hear about what she'd done last night.
"That sounds amazing! Do you have any pictures?"
Rachel frowns. "Actually…..I didn't take any. I was so focused on having fun and enjoying the moment."
Shelby's smile softens. "Well, that's the best way to experience things. Be in the moment and not worry about being behind the camera."
"That's why I felt bad Artie was recording most of it and not out on the ice with us."
"If he said he was happy to do it, then I'm sure he was."
Rachel nods and picks up her phone, glancing at it for the first time today. She has multiple messages. Curious, she looks through them. Her friends sent her a bunch of pictures and videos from the night before. Grinning, she scoots closer to Shelby so the woman can see them as well and the two go through them all, "oohing" and commenting on how pretty it was.
"You have a wonderful group of friends." Rachel smiles, but Shelby can clearly see the difference and tilts her head. "Sorry, am I missing something? Are they not….."
"No, they are. They really are amazing friends. It's just…new."
"I don't understand. Last year—"
"We were teammates. Not friends. I was arrogant and focused on getting on Broadway. They didn't like my attitude, or my clothes, or nose, or my insistence that they work harder. We didn't always get along and I wasn't considered a friend. Mike is the first real friend I've had since I was little. And he only just became my friend in October. Then the others did. So, yes, they're all wonderful and I have a lot of friends. But it's still new."
Shelby's eyes are narrowed and she's biting her lip. After a moment of silence, she slowly nods. "I was the same way. I knew I was talented and I spent more time on singing and dancing and lessons and less time with friends. And I regretted it. Especially after I failed on Broadway. I pushed myself, but not as hard as I think you have."
"But you at least had friends, right? And went out and made memories with them?"
Shelby leans back, clearly thinking over her response. "I….yes, I did. And I do still have memories of my high school friends."
Rachel looks down. "That's what I want. For me and for them."
Shelby takes her hand. "It sounds like you already do. You might have only recently become real friends, but you've clearly made some wonderful memories with them."
Rachel thinks it over. "I guess you're right. And I have happy memories from last year, too, just…..they're not the same. The ones from this year are better."
"And you'll make more."
She nods. "I will. I just wish all my lessons and practicing didn't go to waste."
"Rachel, you could still get better. You still have—"
"A chance? Time? Not much. And it's not a guarantee. I feel a little worse every week. Sometimes it seems like every day I'm a little more…..I don't know, tired, weak, or just…not well. If this continues, then I spent years preparing for a future I won't get." She won't cry over it. Not again and not in front of her mother. But she can't deny that it still upsets her. She focuses on speaking facts, but keeping emotions out of it entirely is nearly impossible. She's an emotional person. "I'll have nothing to show for it. Yes, I'm happy I'm making fun memories with my friends. I'll have these memories and so will they. But my years of pushing myself to be the best were for nothing and I hate that."
"What do you mean they were for nothing? You can take pride in how talented and skilled you are. You can know that while some of it you were born with, you're only as talented as you are because you worked your butt off for it. It took dedication and hard work."
"Which means that I will always know that, but who else?"
"Your dads, your friends, and me."
Rachel bites back a groan. "And that's all very nice," she speaks with forced politeness, "but I'll admit I wanted to be on Broadway to see my name up in lights. I wanted to share my voice with the world. I wanted audiences to come from around the world, or at least across the nation, to come hear me sing. I know, it's arrogant and conceited, but…..it's what I dreamed of. Packed theaters and standing ovations and calls for encores. It's stupid and arrogant, I know."
Shelby cups her chin and raises her head until she makes eye contact. "It's not stupid. It's what I wanted as well, remember?" She grins lightly. "Besides, it may be a little arrogant, but it's a well deserved arrogance. I understand it completely."
Something in Rachel unclenches. She's right. Shelby is probably one of the only people in her life who actually understand her ambitions. Her and Kurt, of course, but this is different. This is her mother. Rachel smiles shakily. It's nice to be understood. Shelby's smile dims, but her expression isn't sad. It's determined.
"What if you did have something to show for it?"
Rachel blinks. "What? What do you mean?"
"Well, I happen to work at a university that has a pretty good recording studio. And I'm one of their top voice teachers. I have access to that equipment."
Rachel's eyes widen and her breathing increases. Could she actually mean…"You mean…"
"If you'd like, and if your dads agree, I can take you to the university and record you singing a couple songs. That way, no matter what happens, you'll know you have several songs recorded for posterity."
She does mean what Rachel hoped she meant. "Really?! That'd…that'd be….."
Tears well in her eyes. Her mother not only understood her ambitions and feelings about not seeing them come to fruition, but is offering a way for her to preserve her singing for people to hear, even if she dies young. Maybe, just maybe, her training won't be for nothing.
"Really. We'll talk to your dads. Are you interested?"
"Yes! I mean, I know it's not like, a record label or anything. My songs won't be out on the internet for people to purchase, but—"
"But you could put them on YouTube and other websites to share your voice and talent. And they'll always be there for people to listen to." Shelby clears her throat. "And when you're old and gray, you can listen to them and laugh over how many views those songs have gotten."
Rachel smiles awkwardly. She understands Shelby's intention to make it clear she believes she'll survive. And she might survive. But the reality is she hasn't been getting better. She's been getting worse. Dying young is far more likely for her right now than living to old age. Besides, Shelby either doesn't know or is ignoring the little fact that a decent percentage of the patients who survive aplastic anemia often end up only living another 10 years due to having a weakened immune system, weakened body, and having a susceptibility to anemia. And even less make it to old age. That's not something she shared with her friends. In fact, she only knows because she read it online and asked her doctor to confirm it. So she's doomed to die young. The only question is, will it be in the next few months or the next few years? She shakes it off. If Shelby wants to stay positive, then so will Rachel. She swallows down her harsh reality and smiles at the bright offer her mother is granting her.
"Thank you."
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The plans were made. Her dads had been torn between joy at how excited and happy Rachel is at the prospect of recording herself singing and worry. Worry that she'll overdo it. Worry that….well, she won't go there. Not yet. She wants to focus on the here and now. The adults sat down and agreed that her dads will bring her to the university in Columbia the following weekend. To prepare for it, Rachel will choose a couple songs to sing. Her dads worried about her straining herself, so she offered to go to school less and sleep more. Hesitantly, they agreed. She watched their hesitation fade away when she squealed happily and threw herself into their arms for a big hug. She made sure to hug Shelby tight, too.
True to her word, she didn't go to school on Monday and focused on two things; resting and creating a list of possible songs. It gave her something exciting to focus on. She didn't do it alone, either. She sent out a message to her friends, telling them about it. They all sent in their own suggestions of songs to sing. She's not sure how many songs she'll be allowed to record. She's also not sure how many she'll be up to recording or how long they'll be allowed to stay. She decides to make a list of six songs. But of those six, have three she absolutely wants to sing and the rest she'd just be happy to if she has the chance.
Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina come over after school every day that week and try to help her. Mike comes as well, but mostly for moral support. And to be the tie breaker. They argue, sometimes hotly, but not angrily. They also laugh at lot and sing snippets a lot, comparing songs. Rachel wants to show both her vocal range and emotional range. She'd also love to show off her breath support, but…..AA has sort of shredded that. She can't count on it anymore. Moments of realization, where reality strikes, pierce her positive spirit. Luckily, her friends are there to comfort and reassure her. She gets nervous on Wednesday, when she can't eat anything, vomits profusely, and eventually passes out. Her dads already made it clear that her health is more important than recording herself singing and that if they don't think she's up to it, they won't let her go. She has two days to convince them she's well enough to go. If she doesn't get to do this, she doesn't think she'll handle it well. Not having anything to show for her hard work has been a heartbreaking reality for her. Having the chance to change that, even to a small degree, has given her hope, brought her comfort, and risen her spirits. To have that chance whisked away at the last moment would shatter her. She needs this. She just needs to make sure her dads know this.
"So what if you don't get to record them?" Mike asks her Wednesday evening, after she has recovered somewhat.
"Then I'll have nothing to show—"
"You'll have memories of us." He reminds her.
"I know and I'm truly very happy about that. But singing has always been my dream. It won't be a live performance on stage to a sold out theater, but it's something."
"And having good times with us is nothing?"
"Of course it's not nothing, Michael, it's just not the same."
"It kind of sounds like you're saying it's less important."
"Well it kind of is. Broadway has always been my goal, my ambition. I might not get that, not because I'm not talented enough, but because I might not have enough time. But doing this, recording myself singing, means my voice might not be just for us. People around the world could listen to me sing and know how hard I worked and how talented I was. I'll—"
"Get the attention and applause you desire."
"Yes!" Rachel agrees happily. It's only after the word is out of her mouth that she realizes Mike wasn't happy with her.
He's frowning. Glaring, actually, she's startled to realize. His fingers are clenching his pants and his foot is bouncing. "Great." He mutters irritably. "Glad to know where we stand. Love you, too."
He stands to leave.
"What? Mike, no! That's not—"
"That's what it sounds like. Rachel, I've been by your side for what, half a year now? We've been best friends for months. I've done everything I can think of to comfort you, cheer you up, and make sure you know how important you are to me. We've been going out of our way to create opportunities for us to make fun memories together. And you're sitting there telling me that it's more important to you that strangers around the world know how good a singer you are and praise you for it?"
Her mouth goes dry. Because he's absolutely right. "I—"
He scoffs bitterly. "Yeah. I don't know why I'm surprised. I know how important it is to you. I really do." He looks at her sadly. "But I thought you'd come to realize that relationships with people matter more. Fame and attention will always matter more to you, won't they?"
Flabbergasted, she watches his back as he walks away. She has never seen him look and sound so disappointed in her before. Tears sting her eyes. She let him down. She let her best friend down. Guilt creeps through her. He really has done so much for her. Did she really just throw it all in his face with one stupid comment? No. Anger knocks the guilt aside. He said it himself. He knows how much this means to her. Broadway, meaning fame and applause, has always been her ambition. It's what she spent years working for, striving for. She might not live long enough to see all that hard work come to fruition. She may never see Broadway. But she has a chance right now to record herself singing a couple songs. That way, her voice is preserved. People can listen to her and know she existed, she was here, and she was talented. Is that so wrong? To want that? No. He knows that. He knows her. How dare he make her dreams seem insignificant? Especially when he's holding her lifetime dream up against people who, until just a few months ago, were cruel to her?
Anger and guilt collide within her, clogging her throat and burning her eyes. Is he wrong? She she wrong? Should she give up what might be her only chance at showing the world what she's capable of just to soothe the ruffled feelings of a couple teenagers who only recently became friends and will probably forget about her in a few years? She doesn't know. They matter to her. They really do. She loves them and loves that they've been so wonderful with making her feel special and supported. Wanted. But can that rival years of working for one main dream? Does it even have to? Then again, Mike was so mad, so disappointed in her…..
Her throat tightens. Her chest tightens. Her breathing shortens to panicked gulps. Heat sweeps over her and the walls start to close in. Damn. She hasn't had a panic attack in a while. Rachel stands shakily and steps towards the door, wanting to find one or both of her dads for comfort. They will help her calm down. Her whole body shakes. Her vision swims. The last thing that goes through her mind before she drops is the memory of Mike's back as he walked away.
Everyone walks away from her eventually.
Everyone.
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