Disclaimer: These magical characters belong do not belong to use, they are the property of Ms. JK Rowling...we're just borrowing them and corrupting their morals :)
AN: This is a parody of the fourth Harry Potter movie, and it will rock your socks so hard that you'll be barefoot for the rest of your life! Please give us a chance; read and review, even if it's a bad review. Well, enjoy, and remember to review! If you don't a giant paperclip will raid your cabinets and fridge leaving behind only dairy products. So review!
HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF SYPHILIS
1
Chapter 1A delightful old man who hated all life put a pot of gin on the stove for heating and glared hatefully at some lights in a window across the way.
"Something's fishy."
"Your MOM's fishy!" the pot of gin hissed. The man ignored it, even though the teapot was his mom, and within that context, that statement made no sense. Plus, thinking too hard on things made him break out in hives.
"I said, something's fishy out there." he repeated for his own sake. "Even though its perfectly normal for people to put on lights at night, especially if you enjoy reading or gazing into the eyes of your loved ones who happen to have syphilis."
The old man cussed to himself as he trudged to the house and climbed the stairs of the mansion, unaware for some reason, that he was breaking and entering, and in most states that is illegal. Suddenly a snake ran past his foot.
"HOLY TOLEDO! I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SNAKES BRED IN THIS
TOWN!"
He glanced into a doorway, where a twitchy man was
sitting on the floor next to a chair that conveniently blocked the
face of the one sitting in the chair.
"Yo homes," the chair man gasped as if he had some sort of venereal disease in his lungs. "Whats the dil with this Harry Potter fellow? Didn't we kill his guts when he was a youngin?"
"Dawg, don't be trippin," said another man who just so happened to resemble a rat. "You know dat story better than me. The story of Harry Potter? How he lived? And how he has a scar shaped like mad bling on his forehead?"
"Man. Did I give him that bling?"
"Yes."
"So not only isn't he dead, but I gave him a ghetto fabulous tattoo. It's fortunate that I didn't bless him with an icy grill as well!"
At the mention of a grill (something the old man had always wanted, ever since he was born and came out of his mothers womb with a Christmas list reading "Icy Grill") the old man stomped really loudly.
"Wormtail," the chair guy gasped as if he had just contracted polio of the lungs within the last ten minutes. "Show our guest in so I can give him a proper greeting--AKA KILL HIM IN THE FACE!"
Harry awoke screaming like a girl, as was normal unless he dreamt of Dobby the house elf, in which case he would wake up doing the Irish jig. Hermione shoved a candle in his face.
"Bad dream?" She asked.
"When did you get here Hermione?"
"I'm always appearing at Ron's house out of nowhere. It's normal. It's also a great place to go when I'm angry, since I can break things and it wont be a big deal because everything here is broken and dirty anyways." Hermione snuck over to Ron's bed and shoved the candle in his face as well.
"BOOGABOOGABOOGA!" Hermione screamed at him.
"Hermione!" Ron cried, pulling the covers over himself as if he wasn't dressed or something, even though he was wearing a parka.
"When did you get here?"
"I think the question is, when did you get those muscles?" Hermione shouted. "Anywho, how was your summer."
"I contracted mono."
"Oh."
And Hermione began to make out with him.
The Weasley home was a disgusting sojourn. It was tiny, cramped and just swarming with various sexually transmitted diseases.
"Ron, you're home is disgusting! The place is just swarming with various sexually transmitted diseases!" Cried Hermione, promptly leaping over chlamydia as she made her way down the stairs.
"I like to think of them as pets." Ron said nonchalantly. "They are waay better than Scabbers ever was. Now who's up for some quiddich?"
Ironically, they were all up for some quiddich. They decided to go to the World Cup Quiddich Match which just so happened to be on the far side of the moon, or like, Iceland or somewhere uber random. So very random in fact that the gang had to take a boot there!
"Why are we all gathered around this mangy old boot?" Harry asked in his perfectly Brittish tone.
"We can't afford a train. Or any other mode of logical transportation. We have to take a boot."
Harry and Hermione looked at each other with a shrug
"Hm. Sounds fair enough." They declared in unison.
Then they all put their hands on the boot and magically transported to the game in a mere two seconds because that's how magic works. The gang arrived in the middle of nowhere, except that it really wasn't the middle of nowhere; it was Ireland.
"Whoa,
are we in a box of Lucky Charms cereal?" Harry asked,
completely
blown away by the color green. (Like Yoda!) Nobody
answers his question, because he is an unloved, outcasted idiot and
Ron and Hermione are too busy giving each other mono to notice his
existence.
So now the kids and a chunky Mr. Weasley and probably some other older guys whose names are not important enough for my extremely small memory capacity to make note of walked up the bleachers to their seats. The stairs were like a thousand bajillion feet in the sky. If you were to fall, you would surely break your venereal disease, if not kill it altogether.
"Well look at it this way," Came a sexy bodacious voice from behind the gang. "If it rains, you'll be the first to know." It was Mr. Malfoy, a sexy bodacious 48-year-old blonde man, and his son Draco, a not-so-sexy but probably just as old son.
"Sweet!" Ron declared.
"Our seats are better, aren't they father?" Draco asked with a cocky smirk spread over his cocky face.
"SHUT
UP, BOY!" Mr Malfoy slapped him in the face and he went flying
down
the rows of bleachers so fast that he broke his mono.
The
Weasly family and its crowd of fans a.k.a. Hermione and Harry
stood
at the very top of the stadium.
"OMG!" Ron shrieked, accidentally throwing himself over the edge of the stadium. "IT'S A DANCING LEPRACHAUN!"
And indeed it was. Although it wasn't exactly a leprechaun. It was the Keebler Elf who's always messing up in the factory and making a brand new, great tasting cookie on accident. Ron needs to get his characters straight.
"Did Ron just commit suicide?" Mr. Weasly asked blankly.
"Yeah," Harry called over the screech of the crowd. "It's okay. He'll live."
All of a sudden the Bulgaria team flew into the arena and a crowd of people in the stadium instantly turned into a giant television screen, displaying the one, the only Viktor Krum.
"Shiznit! I'm displaying Viktor Krums staggeringly sexy left nostril!" bellowed Ginny in a man voice. (she was going through puberty. Her voice changes. It happens.)
Suddenly this scene is over, even though there was a huge buildup and this is definitely going against the fundamentals of filmmaking.
Ron Weasly pranced around the tent with fairy wings and threw
flower
petals across the floor.
"I'm in love with Viktor Krum! He's my boo! My itch! My ho!"
"Ron, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're in love with Viktor Krum," the Weasly twins said in unison, because they always talk in unison. Or finish each other's sentences.
"Nu-uh!" Ron said self-consciously. "I mean, uh, we're just friends."
"O.K." said the twins, and proceeded to give each other various venereal diseases as birthday gifts to pass the time.
Suddenly the Weasly father burst into the room.
"WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE! THERE ARE A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH SKULLS FOR FACES PRANCING AROUNDS OUTSIDE!"
"Is it the Irish, Dad?" Ron asked. Long. Awkward. Pause. In which the curtains burst into flames.
"N...no, I-- are you serious? I totally just explained--" and then a giant evil creature with a skull for a face came in.
"Allo chums!" He said cheerfully. "Anyone up for fish and chips?"
"AHHHH!" And they all ran from the tent.
Chapter 2"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Harry Potter, the boy who lived and savior of the wizard world ran out of his tent as quick as a duck on a burning skillet. He ran and ran all the way around the camp place, which by now was completely desolate because everybody was dead and stuff.
"Alacaboolarolaro!" came a voice from behind Harry.
"Jeepers, who's there?" He jumped up in a panic and turned around just in time to see a mysteriously sexy man waving his wand across the sky. In the sky formed a dark green skull cloud devouring a snake for some random reason.
"Ooh, an air show!" Harry then promptly set up a picnic with a basket of fresh fruit over a red and white checkered blankie and sat down for a light afternoon snack and to enjoy the marvels of the air show.
"HARRY!" Came the voices of his herd
of friends running towards
him like wild cattle with venereal
diseases, tears of fright and relief building up in the corner of
their eyes. They all jumped him and smothered him in hugs and kisses
like a little boy who had just skinned his knee, or a little boy who
had just gotten pregnant.
"Oh, thank goodness, Harry," said Hermione "We thought you were DEAD!...why have you set up a picnic?"
"To watch the air show, you silly goose!" Harry cried as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Man, Hermione could be such a silly sometimes. Everyone looked up at the figure in the sky, and when Mr. Weasly realized its significance, he pulled Harry up by his neck.
"HARRY YOU $#$! WHORE, WHY THE $# WOULD YOU CAST THE DARK MARK! YOU RUINED EVERYBODY'S LIVES, YOU HOMEWRECKING WENCH!"
"I didn't do it! That man did it!" Harry whimpered ever so innocently. Mr. Weasly let go of his collar and smiled, completely relieved.
"Oh, ok. Now who's up for fish and chips?"
The gang sat down, joining Harry at his picnic, and eating
fish and chips. It was truly beautiful. So beautiful in fact that
it didn't even matter that Harry was most likely going to be sought
out by Voldemort and killed or worse that his loyal friends would
suffer for an entire year in strife and angst while trying to sort
out their emotions and feelings for each other and enduring the
priceless yet devastating years of teen hood and depression, all the
while fearing for their very lives and all that was at stake for
the
future of the entire world. But who cares about that! They
had fish and chips!
Suddenly some important man in the ministry appeared with his entourage skipping behind him scattering flower petals.
"Do I smell scones?"
"Please, help yourself," said Mister Weasly.
"YOU ITCH! ONLY I CAN OFFER HIM! I BROUGHT THE GOODS!" Harry shrieked, causing the important man to look to the sky to avoid his eyes being shattered in his very skull by Harry's pubescent voice changes (just like Ginny!)
"HOLY MOTHER $#!ER! Who casted the dark mark!"
"You mean of Voldemort?" Harry asked pleasantly, opening the strawberry jam gingerly with his pinky fingers.
Everyone in the room gasped and shot spells instinctively around at the sound of his name.
"Don't say that," whispered Hagrid, who showed up to get a bit of tea.
"What? Voldomort?" Harry asked again loudly. Several more spells were frantically shot all over the place, one of which hit Hermione and instantly turned her into a beaver, but no one really noticed because her features didn't actually change that much.
"MEN! SEARCH THE AREA!" the important man shouted to the sky, his mustache blowing in the Irish wind.
"Harry, we'd best go home." said Ron.
"Why go home when we could cut off everything that happened after this scene and go directly to the arrival of our foreign friends at Hogwarts!"
Crowds of young witches and wizards crowded around the pillars of the school and watched as a miniature horse and carriage flew in, miraculously carrying the entirety of the Boubatons School for girls from sexy France. Then a giant ship burst from the water, carrying a ruffian group of Bulgarians.
"I HEART BULGARIA!" screeched Ron, accidentally punching himself fatally in the face.
"Did Ron just commit suicide?" squeaked Hermione, still experiencing after affects of the beaver spell.
"Meh." replied Harry nonchalantly.
The great hall was dazzling and magical for the arrival of the foreign exchange students, who by the way were depicted in a rather stereotypical manner and spoke in accents that proved the ignorance of the actors and actresses as well as their limited respect and tolerance for the cultures of others. But we'll forgive them, because they're British!
The candles hung magnificently over the dining tables. Harry, Ron and Hermione took a seat at one of the tables, and the instant that Ron sat down, a floating candle lost it's magic charm and fell upon his head, burning his fiery red hair into a lovely shade of charcoal.
"Ron, that's the third time you've committed suicide in the past two days!...and when did you dye you're hair?"
Ron stroked his burned hair elegantly. "Do you like it?"
"Not really," replied Hermione, by which she
meant, "I will never love you ever."
"Well
I think it looks smashing, Ron," said Harry, giving Hermione a
sideways glance, by which he meant, "Back of wench, he's mine!"
"Silence, everyone, silence!" Dumbledore exclaimed. Everyone shut up, and turned their attention to the front of the great hall where the elderly man stood all decked out in his hippie outfit. It was clear that he had lately taken a trip to the thrift shop.
"This is the Goblet of Fire," He said, explaining a golden cup that was filled with fire perched beside him. It explained a great deal, because without his elderly wisdom, nobody would ever be able to figure that out.
"This year, in honor of our non-English guests, Hogwarts will host the Triwizard Tournament. This is a very dangerous sporting event, and anyone who wishes to enter should be forwarned that they will most likely die an extremely painful death."
"Oooh, I wanna join! I wanna join!" Harry jumped up and down, waving his frantic hands in the air.
"Pick me! Pick meeee!"
"Now," continued Dumbledore, "Anyone who wishes to enter must be a sixth year. If you are under age, and try to submit your name, the goblet will come to life and hide under your bed until you fall asleep and then eat you."
"We have to enter that contest you guys!" Harry chirps excitedly.
The next day, many watched the goblet in an oddly blue lit room (even though it was broad daylight outside, and isn't the ceiling supposed to reflect the weather?) as many young brave souls stepped up to the goblet, tossing in the 12 pages of contracts and medical forms they were required to fill. Fred and George somersaulted into the room like a barrel of monkeys, only with 2 monkeys instead of 20, which is like, a major rip off.
"We've concocted stuff to make us older!"
"It's not going to work." Hermione called in a sharp tone of sarcasm.
"Well, you still have a beaver tail so shove it." They replied defensively. They then interlocked their arms as married couples often do at their weddings and chugged the potion. They then hopped into the circle of goblet and were instantly kicked out, all of a sudden bearing an uncanny resemblance to Albert Einstein.
"Eww!" All the girls screamed.
"Wow," Hermione said. "You're like, way hotter!"
Ron and Harry sat next to each other and watched Fred and George continuously try to stand up, accidentally falling over and making out with each other instead each time.
"I wish I could put my name in the goblet." Ron said bitterly. "You wouldn't happen to have put your name in, did you Harry?"
"No," Harry replied. "You know I can't. Where did you get that idea?"
"Sorry. It was just impulsive."
"Well, you need to stop acting on impulse. It hurts people's feelings sometimes." Harry said, wiping away a tear.
"I suppose you're right," Ron said in a perfect British sigh. "Last time I acted on impulse, I ended up making out with a box of hammers. It was awkward and embarrassing for myself and everyone around me."
Harry nodded in agreement, knowing the scenario all too well. Just last week he'd made out with carton of office supplies.
"Isn't it about time we go to defense against the dark arts class?" Ron said quickly to fill the awkward silence.
"Psh, I personally am not exactly anxious to have a conversation with his ridiculous eyeball."
"Are you anxious to make out with it?" Ron replied pleasantly.
"...why would you ask that?" Harry said after a moment.
"Uh, again with the impulse. I really need to take a class or something on how not to act on impulse. One time I acted on impulse and look where I am now."
"Yes. I've pretty much lost count of how many venereal diseases you've obtained in random ways."
"I think the total is currently 82 and a third."
Chapter 3
The big day had finally arrived after weeks and weeks and weeks of anticipation. Okay, so maybe it was just like two days but still, the anticipation was KILLING Harry!
That morning, Harry awoke to the sweet sound of birds squeaking as they poked
various students' eyes out mistaking them for worms. Harry stretched, yawned, and opened his window.
"Ah, what a gorgeous day!"
Skipping down to the Great Hall in his best dress robes and matching little pink bonnet, he seated himself between his two bestest friends in the whole wide world, even though they were in the process of giving each other mono.
"OOooo, I wonder if I'll get picked to be in the Triwizard tournament!" Harry squealed excitedly, commencing to jump up and down.
"But Harry, you didn't enter your name in the Goblet," said Hermione. Ron
narrowed his eyes at the mention of this not-so-likely possibility.
"Of course not...or did I?" He replied in a sly voice.
"Did you?" Ron demanded.
"No, of course not, you bloody fool! How in the bloody hell would I manage that!"
Everyone shut up as Dumbledore entered and stood behind his sexy podium.
"And now," he said, "It is time to announce the three champions, being the ones who were selected to die...ur, I mean, compete in the Triwizard Tournament...and die."
The first winner was from Bouxbaton, the French school that was made up of all these freakishly blonde prostitutes. The representative for the tournament was named Fleur Delacour, and she was no exception.
The second winner was from some Bulgarian school that had a name, which has
long ago faded from my memory. His name was Victor Krum, and he was one muscular being indeed. Victor Krum was tall, dark, handsome, and the heartthrob of every girl (including Ron). He was also like a 15 yr old professional quiddich player, and so you'd think it would be an unfair advantage to let him participate, but I guess not so whatever.
And last but not least, was Cedric Diggory of Hogwarts. Cedric was...oh, who are we fooling, there was nothing freaking special about him except that maybe he was going out with Cho which I guess was really depressing for Harry and so it did make his life a lot funnier.
"Well, congratulations to the THREE champions." said Dumbledore. "I'm sure that the THREE of you will get along famously and that you THREE have earned this honor. Now the THREE of you can come see me and..."
Just then, the goblet vomited up yet another name! Gasp! A fourth champion?
But how can that be? How can that bloody be? Hesitantly, Dumbledore stuck his hand in the flames, and retrieved the last name. He glared out into the great hall.
"HARRY F#! POTTER, YOU BLOODY IDIOT, YOU RUINED EVERYONES LIVES AGAIN!"
Chapter 4
"YOU ITCH!" Ron shrieked, smacking Harry across the face. "You cheated on me with another woman!"
"No...he was selected for the Triwizard tournament." Hermione said reasonably.
"Oh." Ron said. "YOU ITCH! You cheated on me with the goblet of fire!"
"Shut the bloody hell up Ron!" Dumbledore screamed. The room became dead quiet as many vicious looking expressions battered Harry as he walked through crowds and crowds of vicious looking children, hoping to god none of them were feeling particularly violent and or venereal today. He curtsied numbly to Dumbledore and took the slip of paper with his name scribbled ever so messily on it.
He continued down some stairs into a room filled with Christmas ornaments. "I didn't know it was Christmas!" He squealed to himself after letting the joy fill him for a few seconds, the jolly finally being too much to keep in, as he examined a festively painted ornament of Adolf Hitler.
"IT'S NOT!" Dumbledore boomed and pounced Harry out of nowhere, knocking them both into a cheerful arrangement of nutcrackers made especially for cracking syphilis. "Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?"
"Jesus, you've definitely grown in strength since the second movie!"
"Harry that's besides the--"
"I mean, you were like totally wheezing in the first two movies, as if you were contracting various lung ridden STDs at a fantastic rate!"
"Harry, answer the question."
"No, I did not enter my name into the goblet!" Harry said in an especially British voice, hoping it might work its seduction magic on Dumbledore.
"Did you have an older child put your name in?"
"I have no older friends!"
"So true," Dumbledore said thoughtfully, stroking his chin, hoping maybe his chin might hold the answer.
"I've got nothin for you." his chin replied.
Suddenly a horde of teachers also barreled in.
"I say we kill him now!" Snape said.
"Yes...I see your point," Dumbledore mused to himself.
"Professor, we cannot let him enter this tournament!" McGonnagol said in a particularly old-lady-like voice.
"The goblet of fire has power beyond our knowledge." the headmaster replied. "If it wants to devour Harry in a killing fest cleverly disguised as a tournament, so be it. I personally feel it was particularly wise to hold this tournament at a school for children who are fresh and new and young in this beautiful world. Don't you think?"
McGonnagol stared at him blankly.
"Alright, after consultation with McGonnagol, we've come to the conclusion that Harry will be in the tournament!"
A giddy rush
of sheer sensation overwhelmed Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived,
for
he would finally be taking part in the Triwizard Tournament!
"Oh, and after all those hours and hours of waiting and dreaming, I can finally be loved and adored by all of Hogwarts and the wizarding world! And then maybe Ill even get real friends! Like, upgrades of Hermione and Ron or something. They will be prettier and richer!" Harry mused as he skipped down the corridor, his gossamer pink thong flowing elegantly in the wind. "And maybe I'll even get some parents!" Having just returned from a party in his very own honor, Harry was high on arrogance and pumpkin juice…mostly arrogance though, and so he didn't notice that Ron was sore with him when he entered the dormitory.
"Ron,
why weren't you at my party?" he asked quizzically, glaring over
at the
ignorant redhead in wonder. "It was a celebration of
me, you know. Everyone was there. Even I was there! I'm just that
amazing!"
Ron didn't answer. Instead his face boiled the same shade of red as his hair. His fists were clenched tightly in punching mode. He lifted the bed up with one hand, swung it over his head around the room, and chucked it out the window with such an overbearing force that both the window and the bed shattered into a billion tiny pieces.
§"Ron," said Harry gingerly, "maybe I'm over-reacting just a bit, but something tells me that you just may be a tad bit angry at me."
"I figured you'd tell me if you discovered a way to put your name into the goblet is all." Ron said, his vibrant freckles blowing in the wind.
"I didn't put my name in that cup!" Harry insisted. "Why would I want all of this! I mean, why would I want such fame, glory, wealth and attention, Ron? I can't help it if it is my burden to receive childhood fame in every possible way! I can't help it if everybody loves me because I'm the savior of the Wizard World and a hero and inspiration to all! This is such a hard and tragic life!" Harry pleaded. He just couldn't understand why Ron would hold such things against him.
"I bet you used the invisibility cloak. There was room under there for the both of us, you didn't have to be such a cloak-hog you fat whore."
Harry ran his hands along his waist to feel for any trace of flabby stomach.
"I've
been working out! I've been taking Tae-Bo! What more do you want
from
me?"
"I don't
us to be friends anymore." said Ron, tears brimming in the
corner
of his eyes.
"Ron,"
Harry asked confusedly. "I don't understand. What are you
trying to
say?"
"Harry, I really don't know how to be any clearer. I'm mad at you."
Harry frowned.
"Please, stop using such big and complicated words, I still don't understand what you're---"
"I don't want to be your friend!"
"Look, if you have something to say, just say it already! I don't see the point in beating around the bush and using all this fancy lingo."
"Harry, you idiot!" Ron shouted, throwing a venereal disease at the boy who lived.
"Gasp!" Harry was insulted. "I can't believe you would call me an idiot! This friendship is over!"
Many bitter fall days passed and Harry walked around all by his lonesome, kicking up dirt and accidentally getting it in his eyes every time. What's worse, Harry had resorted to hanging out with Neville Fatbottom (and his name was no understatement), who has drastically improved in general appearance since the last few movies. Harry noticed too, which is why he picked Neville.
One fine day, Harry was sitting in a particularly romantic spot by the lake with Neville--but it wasn't the same without his little red-headed snuggle bunny. And speak of the devil! Ron and Hermione and Ginny for some odd reason came prancing down the hill gloomily and Hermione came forward.
"Eernie asked Danny who asked Walter who asked Fidel who asked Ginny who asked Jesus who asked George Clooney who asked Eugene who asked Ron to tell you that Hagrid wants to see you." Hermione managed with some difficulty, even though she normally has no problem remembering difficult things--i'd say she's getting stupider.
"What?" asked Harry, who hadn't been listening at all and had instead been preparing some egg omelets at the time.
"My mom asked Dumbledore to ask Walter to ask Jesus who asked--"
"No, it's okay, I heard up until the Jesus part."
"HAGRID WANTS TO SEE YOU, YOU DUMB$$!"
"Oh yeah? Well you can tell Ron that--did you say Hagrid wants to see me?"
"I'M NOT AN OWL!" Said Hermione, her hair exploding. Harry nodded.
"I'm glad you know too."
He made his way up to the "Forbidden a.k.a. Go there as much as possible" forest where Hagrid stood with a torch.
"I got sumthin to show ya Harry." Hagrid said gruffly.
"Does it involve lemurs, a calendar and seven cubes of ice arranged whimsically in a perfect circle?"
"What?"
"I see." Harry said. "Yes, you'd better lead me there as soon as possible."
The two walked through the darkened forest when something occurred to Harry.
"You smell like Axe cologne!" he cried.
"Yeah, well, I've got a date tonight."
"Ewww!" Screamed Harry. "Fat people aren't supposed to date! And did you comb your hair? I didn't know you owned a comb!"
"Alright Harry, put on your cloak. It's time."
Harry threw the cloak over his shoulders, immediately disappearing from sight. Hagrid's girlfriend came and they all walked over to a gathering of cages with dragons in them. Harry screamed like a little girl, but no one heard it because that's how Hollywood works. The girlfriend left and Harry threw the cloak off of his head, making it look like he had no body.
"DRAGONS?" Harry screamed at Hagrid, his floating head blowing in the wind.
Chapter 5"Support Cedric Diggory, the REAL Hogwarts champion!" Shouted the sexy
and bodacious Draco Malfoy, who was passing out these delightful little anti-Harry pins to the random passersby. Not passerbys--passersby. If there's one thing Malfoy couldn't stand, is was incorrect English grammar. Oh, and Harry Potter I guess.
As for Harry, it seemed like everybody was against him.
"What's going on here?" Harry demanded to know. "Last night everybody loved me! Now the world wants to kill me again! And Ron wants to eat me! Aghh!"
In his confused state, Harry aimlessly wandered the grounds of Hogwarts until he stumbled upon the drop dead gorgeous Cedric Diggory himself, surrounded by an orgie--I mean harem----I mean fan club of friends and supporters. Incidentally, they were all wearing pins that read a variation of crude statements such as "Cedric Diggory the REAL Hogwarts champ" and "Harry Potter is a whore" to say the least. Cedric himself was
heavily wrapped in a sash depicting the same statement, and his pants were being held up by anti-Harry pins.
"Huh." Said Cedric strangely. "Well, this is a little awkward."
"Yeah..." Harry agreed.
"Listen, Harry, I told them all to stop wearing the pins, but they wouldn't listen to me because they were too enthralled in my sexy green eyes to take anything I had to say seriously. I'm really sorry, Harry."
"...huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening; I was so captivated by your eyes." Harry said dreamily. "They match the deep green sea of my loving soul."
"Um…okay."
"DRAGONS!" Harry blurted out.
"Ahh, where?" Cedric jumped up in alarm.
"No, no, Dragons. That's the first challenge. Ask me how I know?"
"How do you know, Harry?" Cedric questioned.
"Cause im psychic, BIATCH!" Harry turned and pranced away in his ghettolicious manner...his ghettoness blowing in the wind of course.
"You prance like a girl, Harry Pottsucks!" Malfoy snickered, prancing towards him like a girl. "My father and I have a bet! Who will get Chlaymidia first! You or your mom!"
"I don't care what your father thinks!" Harry screamed, pushing Malfoy towards a tree. "He's an evil, Voldomort loving ho!"
Malfoy pulled out his wand.
"MALFOY!" Mad eye Moody leapt forward, zapping Malfoy with a curse that instantly turned him into a stack of pancakes.
"Don't you ever pull a wand on a student's back!"
"But...I was facing him--" Harry put in.
"Silence! Now watch as I make Malfoy as a stack of pancakes do the Macarena!"
"Moody!" McGonnagol strut in the direction of the madness. "Is that a student?" She shrieked as the stack of pancakes began to do the cha cha slide. Mad eye Moody turned Malfoy back into a person. As opposed to a stack of pancakes.
"WE NEVER USE MAGIC ON STUDENTS!" she screamed, accidentally shooting Harry with a spell and turning him into a girl.
"Otay." Moody said shyly, his mouth shrinking and shrinking on his face until it was microscopic.
"Alright." McGonnagol exhaled.
"Harry! Come hither!" Mad Eye Moody called, hobbling off back to the castle. He dragged Harry all the way up to his little tower, 5000 stairs high. Harry arrived, panting.
"Alright--now run back down those stairs!"
Harry glanced up at him, tears brimming his eyes.
"Just kidding ya! Ar ar ar!" He was beginning to sound more and more like Mr. Crabs. "Harry do you have a strategy?"
"About what?" Harry said, knowing perfectly well what but always loving to play dumb.
"Your dragon you fool!" He cried. "Cedric, those sexy green eyes of his may have you fooled, but believe you me, they are just filled with strategies. That's why everyone calls him ol' strategy eyed Diggory."
"They do?"
"And that Fleur Delacour--she may just look like the average ho to you but she's as much a fairy princess as I am a tub of ice cream."
"Ah..." Harry said awkwardly.
"And Krum--he may be a retarded, speech impaired, fat-headed, stupid, ugly son of a--"
"SIR!" Harry said, baffled that not only he had a sailor mouth.
"Anywho, that headmaster of his, he's got a plan too." Harry sighed.
"What are your strengths?" Moody asked with a heavy lisp.
"I can make a mean soufle." Harry said immediately, having planned what to say many years ago if anyone ever did ask him this, so that he would have something to say.
"Are you going to soufle the dragon to death?"
"...yes?"
Pause. Moody clapped warmly and stood up.
"Alright then! good luck with that!"
The next morning...well okay, it wasn't really the next morning, but, you know, in wizard time as day only passes within a few short seconds…Harry and the other three champions waited inside a lovely little tent that oddly resembled Ennis and Jack's tent in Brokeback Mountain.
"Hm," Harry pondered to himself, "There's something about this tent that seems vaguely familiar. Somehow it reminds me of something that happened last summer...oh."
Just then, the flaps to the tent swung open, and Hermione's huge beaver resemblance of a face appeared.
"HARRRRYYYYYY!" She whispered subtly, doing her very best not to be caught sneaking and peeking by any of the teachers.
Harry's eyes widened with sheer amazement.
"Hermione? What are you doing here? Are you in the tournament too? Why didn't you tell me!"
Ignoring Harry's complete lack of common sense and/or logical reasoning (she had grown used to this by now) Hermione leapt forward and pounced him, tackling him with love and hugs and kisses and friendship and sugar and spice and everything nice.
"I just wanted to wish you good luck in the off chance that you actually
don't die today!."
"Wow," Harry smiled, "That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Really? Harry you can't be serious." Hermione gasped. "I mean, I know you were a deprived child, but c'mon! I mean SERIOUSLY!"
Harry cried in his ever so familiar fetal position that he has grown so familiar with.
"Champions gather 'round, gather round!"
The champions gathered round, gathered round. "Now," said Dumbledore, the elderly headmaster, "It is time to show you your dragons. Cedric, you can see yours first and---Hermione?"
He said, spotting the beaverish girl who was momentarily in the process of seducing Harry.
"What the F&$ are you doing in the F$#! winners tent! You're not a F$ winner, you sleazy whorebag!"
The beaver--I mean, Hermione, ran out in tears as Rita Skeeter snapped several pictures of her which will later be used for opportunities of blackmail. But that's not important right now.
Once the distraction was gone, the clever old headmaster retrieved from his pocket a tiny thumb-size dragon--that wasn't breathing.
"Whoops," said Dumbledore. "I could have sworn that I poked an air hole in
my pocket…come on, little bugger, wake up..."
"Um..." Cedric looked at the lifeless creature in the headmaster's palm with doubt, "Is my dragon going to be like…alive?"
"...Okay, time for Fleur's dragon!" said Dumbledore suddenly, tossing the other to the floor. He leaned forward towards the extremely French blonde girl, and stuck his fingers behind her left ear. "Hey, what's this behind your ear...it's a dragon!"
Completely bemused by this magic trick, Fleur clapped her hands loudly and cheered.
"Do it again, do it again!" she demanded in her sexy French accent.
"Oho, sorry dear," said Dumbledore. "There'll be no time for that. For you, see, this is Viktor's dragon."
Finally it was time for Harry's dragon. In his palm appeared a small dragon covered in massive spikes. His eyes were made out of chain balls and his tongue was a machete.
"Would you like to hold him?" Dumbledore offered kindly and innocently.
When Harry was presented with his dragon, he acted all surprised, because Daniel Radcliff is such a fantabulous actor that he can pull off anyhting in the whole wide world. I believe he said something along the lines of "OMG OMG OMG I had know idea that was going to be my dragon! I totally didn't see that one coming!"
Harry sat waiting in the tent all by his lonesome, as each of the other players fought their dragons. Finally they called out his name and he ran outside. Harry was very pale, and he couldn't find his dragon.
"Hm...maybe they forgot to unleash it." he said. "Oh
look! There's the egg!"
Harry galloped over to a rock where
sat the golden egg, when suddenly the tail bearing spikes with bombs
underneath each one, dusted in anthrax and covered in random kitchen
knives whacked the ground right in front of him, tossing him far
backwards.
"Ouch!" he whined. "My soft spot!"
"HARRY! YOU'RE WAND!" Hermione screamed. Somehow Harry was able to hear her over the screech of the crowd.
"Wha--?"
WHACK! Harry was again tossed onto another rock. He crawled behind it frantically as the dragon began to blast the back of it with fire and agent orange.
"Accio sandwich!" Screamed Harry. Suddenly an Italian hoagie flew into his hand.
"Oh golly! My favorite kind!" Harry began eating when suddenly the rock behind him burst into flames. "Crap! I'm super screwed!" Harry looked around frantically. "What is something I can use to fly around?" Harry sat to ponder for a moment. "Oh! Accio firebolt!" Suddenly his old faithful broomstick flew over and whacked him in the face. He mounted it quickly, just as the dragon was about to finish him off. He flew and flew and the dragon chased him until he was stupid enough to fly into the roof of a building. He saved himself from falling to his death by holding onto a windowsill, his broom trapped coincidentally just beyond his reach. Suddenly, for some reason, the dragon was unable to fly over and bite off his head; he had to crawl down the roof like an uncoordinated moose. The dragon smashed Harry's side of the building and Harry caught his broom and led the dragon right through a small hole! The dragon was caught! Harry came back and snatched up the egg.
"YAY!" Everyone cheered, back in the Gryffindor room. Everyone was carrying Harry on their shoulders, tossing him in the air like a small child.
"Do you want me to open the egg?" Harry screamed.
"YES!" The crowd shrieked.
"I can't heearrr you!"
"YES!" The crowd shrieked.
"Come on kiddies! Can't you put more UMPH into it?"
"YYYYYEEEESSS!" The crowd screamed, and Harry finally opened it and the shrieking coming from the egg basically broke everyone's eardrums. He promptly closed it and Ron's voice came from the end of the room.
"What the bloody hell is that?" he said. Everyone was scattered around on the floor, trying to cast spells on their eardrums to re-grow them as Harry made his way over to Ron.
"Sorry I yelled at you." Ron said. "And about the dwarves in your room."
"What dwarves?" Harry said.
"Oh...sorry, I guess that was Neville's room. Anywho, I'm sorry buddy ol' pal."
"Why did you think I was lying!"
"Well I wasn't the only one. Everyone was saying it behind your back. Even Hermione! One time she was like 'that Harry is a pistol' and then one time Cho said it too, and she was like 'Harry potter is a whore' and then even Dumbledore one time was like 'Harry potter smells bad and looks like a sea monkey with a dirty mop on its head."
"Oh thanks. That makes me feel loads better." Harry said with an increasing British accent with every word.
Chapter 6"I'm so glad that we're back together, Harry" Ron cooed affectionately as the three of them sat down to the breakfast table eating scones, biscuits, tea, and other delightful British breakfast treats.
"Yeah, me too, whatever.." But Harry did not care much about the little red-head at the moment; he was distracted by someone much more beautiful; someone much more Asian.
"She's soooo gorgeous..." said Harry, staring at the table of older girls. He was just a player like that. Not breaking his concentration, he lifted up a cup of British pumpkin juice to his British lips. Just as he filled his mouth with the delicious drink, Cho Chang (that is, the beautiful older Asian girl) looked up, and smiled at him. Being the natural charmer that he was of course, Harry smiled back, juice seeping out of his mouth and drenching his perfectly British robes. Completely soaked and still dripping, the juice poured onto the floor and created a massive flood, causing all the students to evacuate the castle.
"Do you think she noticed?" Harry wondered aloud.
That afternoon, once the school had been drained again, the British students resumed with their daily schedule.
"Potter!" Mcgonnagal stopped him in the hall. "Have you asked someone to the dance yet?"
"What dance, sir?" He asked quizzically, despite the fact that she was a woman.
"You and the other three champions must do the opening dance for The Yule Ball."
"The whaty-what?" Big words confused Harry.
"The Yule Ball is a traditional dance every year of the Triwizard Tournament."
"Oh yeah?" Answered Harry, quick with his reply. "Well if it's so traditional, then how come I've never heard of it?"
Mcgonnagal stared at him for a moment. "...um, because before last week you
hadn't even heard of the Triwizard Tournament."
"Oh...right..." But Harry was not one to give in so easily. Being the angsty and hormone-raging teen that he was, he had to have the last word.
"Well...your face is a Triwizard Tournament!"
"Um...okay." The professor raised her eyebrows oddly. "Just ask someone to the dance."
"But sir, I don't know how to dance."
"Then learn! I shall teach you! I shall teach you all! Muahahahahahaha!"
Just as she had promised, Professor Mcgonnagal gathered all the student in the entire school, which was conveniently only about twenty or so kids, all of whom were antagonists of the Harry Potter series and were well known to anyone who had consistently followed the books or movies.
In the background, some classical music by Kanye West was playing.
"Now," said the cat-changing abled professor. "It is time for you all to learn how to dance. I want all of you young men to be masters at ballroom dancing by the end of our fifteen minute lesson."
The disrespectful wizard children bellowed with laughter.
"SHUT THE F$ UP! YOU WILL NOT CONTINUE TO BUSY BY BABBLING BOLONY BOOGY BEEGEE BABY-BUGGY BAFFOONS!"
"Try saying that three times fast," whispered either Fred or George to either Fred or George.
"You are idiots." Hermione rolled her eyes, disgusted at their behavior and lack of respect for the art of dance.
"You two, Weaslys." Mcgonnagal pulled either Fred or George or George or Fred up by the ear and dragged either George or Fred or Fred or George to the center of the dance floor.
Either Fred or George remained seated, laughing at his brother, who was either Fred or George.
"Now," said Mcgonnagal to either George or Fred..or on second thought, it could have been Ginny. "Put your arm around my waist."
"Bloody what?" Fred or George, or perhaps Ginny's mouth dropped. "But that's bloody inappropriate! I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment! I mean, honestly, lady, I'm under-aged by like ninety-seven years!"
"Put your arm around me and move to the classy and peaceful rhythms of the
music."
I ain't saying she a gold digger…ut she aint messin with no broke.."
But sir, I don't know how to dance to Kanye West." Fred or George, or, now
that I think about it, it could have been Dumbledore, complained.
"Well I shall teach you! Now DANCE WITH ME BEFORE I EAT
YOU!"
Mcgonnagal sure was evil when she wasn't in her cat form. So, having no choice, Fred or George, or maybe it was both of them, or perhaps it was Carmen Electra, gave in and danced.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Harry pondered how to ask out the Asian love of his life that he has never said two words to.
Harry sat to ponder.
"I know!" he exclaimed after meditating in fetal position for many hours. "I'll go up to the owelry and steal a feather from her owl. I will continue to do this until she starts to notice that her owl's feather supply is depleting and then I will come up to her and blame it on Ron! And then she will be so excited that I helped her that she will spontaneously make out with me and then babies!"
He was so excited, he didn't even stop to put on a coat. He ran up the steps to the owlry in the snow wearing only a hipster hoodie, slipping on every other step and falling back to the bottom each time, so it took him about an hour and a half to get to the owlry. Suddenly he ran straight into--who else? Cho Chang!
"Oops, sorry Harry," They did a little dance back and forth, Harry refusing to let her get past him. Finally she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him aside, so that she could get past.
"Watch the ice on the steps over there--you could slip and break your chlamydia. Believe me. I know." Harry nodded, entranced by her angelic voice.
"WAIT! CHO!" He called to her, realizing that he must talk to her. She turned around, her black hair and pale face as if an imprint on the snowy sky.
"I'M MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU!"
"Sorry? I didn't catch that." she said.
'Hm...good thing, she didn't hear...' he thought to himself. 'let me rephrase...'
"I THINK YOU ARE A MEGA HOTTIE!" he said.
"Sorry, Harry! The wind is so loud! What did you say?"
'okay, can't mess up this time!'
"WILL YOU GO TO THE BALL WITH ME!"
"Oh, sorry, I'm going with Cedric, the real Hogwarts champion. But I'm sorry Harry! Really, I am!"
"Oh...okay." Harry said, hurt inside and out.
"Really, Harry...I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay." he said sadly.
"Wait Harry!" she said as he turned away. "Harry...I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I kind of got that--"
"No, I don't think you do...I'm REALLY, REALLY sorry."
"Bye!" Harry said, trying to get away, and slipping on the ice on the steps Cho had warned him about, his chlamydia and heart broken in the process.
"Harry!" called a sexilicious voice coming from none other than Cedric Diggory, the real Hogwarts champion. Harry whirled around suddenly, stumbling and falling straight into his muscular arms, turning his face towards Cedric's passionate ocean-eyes that seemed to grab hold of Harry's heart and twist it about until he felt as if he might faint from merely swooning.
"Hello, Cedric." he said shyly, twirling his index finger around a strand of his messy hair. "Fancy running into you."
"Er…yes, well I suppose it is. Listen, Harry," Cedric said, easing the boy who lived out of his arms and back on his own two feet. "There's something I've been meaning to tell---"
"I find you very attractive too, Cedric!" Harry confessed before he could stop himself.
"What?" Cedric asked confusedly.
"Er…I said, I find poo very attractive...wouldn't you agree?"
Cocking his eyebrows, Cedric replied hesitantly,
"Er..well, yes, of course. Harry, I was just wondering if you had any luck with your egg."
"That sounds delicious!" Harry exclaimed. "Oh, but you're talking about the egg for the tournament aren't you. No, I haven't had any luck."
"Well...take a bath with it."
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Harry exclaimed, shocked at such sailor talk.
"Just trust me here. Take the egg in the bathtub with you. Trust me. You helped me with the first clue so I'm helping you with this one."
That night, Harry decided to take Cedric's advice. However, Harry couldn't simply take a bath with the egg, for Harry was a gentleman. So, being well brought up, he took the egg to dinner at a five start French restaurant, took a stroll in the park with it, asked it about it's feelings, and professed his undying love for the egg. After all of this was done was it appropriate to take the egg into the haunted girl's bathroom and into the tub.
Meanwhile, Moaning Mertle, the sexy bathroom ghost girl, watched Harry as he undressed.
"Meow!" Mertle jumped out from behind her bathroom stall and into Harry's perfectly prepared bubble bath. She began to pop the bubbles as she approached him, something that is so not appropriate for a PG movie, which is why I suppose they had to bump it up a rating.
"Ahhhhhh! Mertle, what the F$ are you doing in my bathtub!" Harry exclaimed, despite the fact that it was Mertle's bathtub.
"The other boy was nicer to me." She whined.
"What other boy? Merltle stop being such a silly, you know that boys don't like you."
"Well this one was very cute," she said, "And he went under water with that egg, so you should do the same."
"Shut up!" Harry snapped. "I'm not stupid, I can come up with my own ideas! Aha! I've got it; I'll go under water with the egg."
Harry held his breath and dove under with the golden egg. It began to
serenade him.
We are evil mermaids!
We are going to kidnap your friends!
You have ten minutes to be a hero
Or we'll eat them!
"Hmm," Harry pondered as he surfaced for air once more. "I wonder what that clue could possibly mean."
Harry sat among piles of books in the library, Ron and Hermione making out next to him as he flipped through some parchment.
"It's so late! And I can't figure out what these words mean...'we are evil mermaids'."
"Black lake obviously," Hermione said, pacing. "Unless by 'mermaid' he's referring to Adam Brody."
"So either the O.C. or the black lake...that's quite a range." Harry said. "And, and what's this? What's this? 'We're going to kidnap your friends'? It just doesn't make sense! Which friends?"
"Well, Harry, I mean, you only have two friends." Said Hermione.
"That would be us!" Ron said batting his eyelashes.
"You guys aren't seeing the metaphor." Harry said sighing. Those stupid shallows. Suddenly McGonnagol came in.
"Ron, Hermione, I have to talk to you." She spun around and glared at Harrry. "IN PRIVATE." She said. "And ps. this has nothing to do with the Triwizard tournament."
"Okay." Said Harry, not really paying attention, he was too busy constructing a castle out of dots gummies and toothpicks. Suddenly Neville came in.
"Neville, would you happen to know anything about water or the O.C.?"
"Oh Em GEE! Like, Adam Brody!" Neville said, fainting on the spot.
"What about water?"
"Why yes," Neville said. "I even have some weeds that can make you a fish for an hour! Or maybe it was five minutes! I actually don't remember! Now that I think about it! It could be my sandwich from last week's lunch!"
"It's worth a try." Harry said.
The next day the two walked to the tournament and Neville handed him the weeds.
"Like I said," Neville commented. "It might not work."
"What! Why the F& would you tell me that now! $$#!"
The champions gathered atop the dock.
"Where the eff are my friends?" Harry said, looking around. "There are two of them to be exact."
"I zaw McGonnogal kidnap zem and take zem to ze bottom of ze lake." Fleur commented.
"I can't freaking understand your stupid accent!" Harry screamed.
"Champions!" Screamed Dumbledore. "At the sound of the whistle, delve into the mermaid infested lake!"
Harry shoved the weeds into his mouth and suddenly began to have a mild seizure.
Harry stumbled about in the water for a good hour and a half as his dramatically painful transformation into a fishlike creature occurred. Finally, Harry began to swim like the sexilicious fishman that he was. 'Wow,' he thought to himself, because you see, he couldn't talk under water, 'This reminds me of my favorite Disney movie! The Little Mermaid!' Oh, how he had longed for ages and ages to be a little mermaid. It had been his dream since his parents died. And today, Harry would finally be treated like the aquatic princess he was.
Just then, as Harry was humming "Part of Your World" to himself, this giant one eyed monster appeared out of nowhere and tried to devour him! Thinking quickly, Harry used his magnificent dodging talents to narrowly escape death. This went on with various aquatic animals for quite some time. Man, you would think that such a contest would be considered illegal, especially for magical school children, the future of tomorrow! But what can I say, they're English.
As if the situation couldn't get any more frightening, this sexy shark-headed man came zooming past Harry at the speed of light. 'Hey, that sexy shark man looks quite familiar.' Harry though. 'O M F G!' his mind squealed like the preppy suburban girl he oh so longed to be, 'That sexy shark man is Cedric!'.
With a new motivation striking deep into the very cores of his soul, Harry Potter the boy who wouldn't die swam on, following closely behind his sexy hero's footsteps...swimsteps...whatever. That's when he spotted four dead bodies bound in captivity by seaweed.
"Okay, that has got to be at least somewhat against the board of ed regulations."
The bodies were none other than Ron, Hermione, Cho, and some baby prostitute
who I guess was supposed to be Flors younger but equally flirtatious sister. 'This should be easy!' Harry though, and swan in their direction to free his best friends, lover, and baby prostitute. But it wasn't easy; not in the least bit. This freakishly green mermaid who resembled the exorcist popped out at Harry.
"You can only pick one!" she demanded.
"Oooo, only one, really?" Harry asked anxiously. "Can't I take three? You can keep Hermione, she's not even pretty, and she has this really annoying British accent," Harry said in a really annoying British accent.
"ONLY ONE!"
"Okay, okay, no need to be all up in my grill." He said. "Hmm, now which to choose. Better do this by process of elimination. Like I said, Hermione's
ugly, so that's out of the picture, I'm madly in love with Cho, but she's too fat for me to carry to the surface and I assume she'll have to be her boyfriend's burden," Harry paused, realizing that he had found himself in a pickle. For the prostitute's sister had already lost this competition, so no one would be able to save her.
"Gah, I am such a good person!" Harry cried as he untied Ron and whatsherface and carried them BOTH to safety while fighting off the exorcist mermaid.
Now that's what a call a hero.
Harry reached the surface to a rapid round of applause as usual. He didn't even notice because this happened like every time he walked into a room.
"Oh, do I hear the wind blowing?" he asked nonchalantly throwing Ron and whore-girl onto the convenient deck.
Fleur Delacour raced over to him and started making out with him and giving him all kinds of social diseases.
"You saved my sister even though she was not yours to save," she said Frenchly. "Thank you."
"Yeah, you are such a horrible sister," Harry growled. "You let your sister almost drown, you are such a terrible person!"
Harry dried off his shock of black hair with a towel.
"HARRY MY SNOOKIE PUSS!" Hermione made out with his shock of black hair. "Good job!"
"HARRY MY SNUGGLY BUNNY!" Ron leapt to make out with his shock of black hair when Harry pushed him away.
"I told you! For later!" Harry said.
"Harry?" Said a voice. They three turned around. It was Barty crouch! And what a crappy name...so crappy, it made him a crappy AND creepy person. "I want to talk with you about your future."
"Hagrid already told me," Harry said rolling his eyes. "Syphillis kills, I KNOW already!"
"Actually, it's not about syphillis." Crouch said.
"Really?"
"Follow me."
The two walked quietly.
"Harry your performance today was great. Which is why I'm asking you to join the ministry of magic."
"You aren't trying to recruit the poor boy already, are you?" Mad Eye Moody came out of nowhere, his mad eye blowing in the wind.
"Why, of course not!" Crouch replied quickly. " I was simply offering him a cupcake!" Crouch quickly pulled out his wand and made a cupcake float in front of Harry's face.
"Ooo!" Harry squealed, shoving the cupcake into his mouth (including the adorable paper cup) like the fat pig he was.
"Harry will you leave us?" Moody said. "I'm going to teach a lesson to Mr. Crouch concerning death."
"O.K.!" Harry said, skipping along.
Later, he, Hagrid, Hermione and Ron skipped along in the Forbidden forest.
"Harry is my absolute idol!" Hagrid screamed loudly enough for any other teacher who might care about respecting the sacred school rule of not going into the forest could hear. He and Hermione and Ron broke out into song--the Hogwarts theme song. Despite this once-in-a-lifetime entertainment, Harry was feeling pensive, as usual.
"What is the meaning of life?" he asked himself.
"What's that Harry? One more time? Okay! Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Hoggy Warty Hogwarts!" This was absolutely the most ridiculous school theme song ever. Suddenly he was distracted from this revelation--there was a dead body ahead. It was Barty Crouch!
"FINALLY something to be thoughtful about!" he said exasperatedly.
Chapter 7"Hm.." Harry looked down at Crouch, whose name sounds ironically close to
crotch. "Should--should we poke him?" He asked hesitantly. "Like, with a
stick or something?"
"Nah," Ron decided, "Let's go get dates for the Yule Ball."
"Sounds good to me!" Everybody including Hagrid declared in perfect unison.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch..I mean, cough Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry--Ron busied himself by sulking back and forth across the common room and nervously eating vegetarian sushi.
"Oh man you guys, I need a date to the Yule Ball or people might get the impression that I'm a loser. And well, that would just be crazy, you know?"
"Why don't you ask someone, mate?" Harry asked his mate, emphasizing the word mate in all its British glory.
"I've already asked every single girl in the school, starting with Fluer, and they all turned me down."
"Oh, is that so Ron?" Hermione asked in an acidic voice, "You asked EVERY girl?"
"Yep," he replied easily. "Every last one. Including the teachers. I must have asked every single female in the entire school. I even asked Neville. Yep, not a single girl left."
Hermione's eyes turned red and she proceeded to breathe out fire in angry masses.
It was then that Ron had an epiphany. "Hey Hermione, you're a girl!"
"Thank you for noticing, took you long enough."
"Well, I couldn't really see your face through all that fire breath and whatnot. And then the mustache always through me off a bit--not that it's not sexy or anything, heavens no, it's just, well it sort of reminds me of Captain Hook and--"
"Okay, I get the point! Now isn't there something you would like to ask me?"
Not missing a beat, Ron said, "Hermione, will you be my rebound and go to the ball with me?"
"I can't I already have a date."
"C'mon, pleasee Hermione! Stop being so stubborn!"
"I can't, I already have a date." she insisted, her mono shining in the moonlight, making her look more like a beaver than ever before.
"You can't bring Crockshanks to a dance, I don't think Dumbledore will allow it."
"You are a prick!" She declared, topping Harry's British accent by far, and then storming off angrily, taking her mono along with her.
"Poor girl," Ron whispered to the boy who wouldn't die. "Nobody would ever ask her. Even I wouldn't ask her, and we've given each other at least twelve social diseases this year alone."
Just at that moment, these twin girls popped out of nowhere.
"Hi harry," they said in unison. Snapping his fingers, Harry got an idea.
"Hey girls!" he said. "How would you two like to be my hos?"
"Which one?" They asked in unison again.
"Well you have a big zit on your face." he said, pointing to Pavati. "So Ron can have you."
"Cool," Ron said. "I was actually just admiring it."
"Thanks," she said, stroking it.
That day at lunch Ron got a package!
"Gasp!
What's this?" Ron said, unwrapping it. "Christmas for
me only? Maybe Santa is giving me the easy bake oven he promised me
years ago. He's finally paying up!"
It wasn't
an easy bake oven. It was an ugly suit.
"Well, it's ugly enough to belong to Ginny," he mumbled. "Ginny! Mom sent you your dress!"
"It's for you." Hermione interjected. "I think your mother is pushing the cross dresser career choice, Ron."
"But she KNOWS I want to be a veterinarian!" Ron whimpered. "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!" Ron ran like a girl up to his room.
The next day, Ron and Harry got ready in their rooms.
"Mate, you look awful." Harry said, patting Ron on the back warmly.
"Where did you get such a nice suit! You're poorer than I am!" Ron yelled. "AND you have no parents!"
"Hermione knitted it for me." Harry said, stroking it. "Because I wasn't the one who forgot she was a girl--unlike you."
"Man!" Ron said.
The two went downstairs and met their dates, when suddenly, the top of the staircase glowed with light. Everyone turned and gawked, because gliding down the stairs was Hermione! And even though she looked the same as she normally does, everyone was entranced by her.
Hermione continued down the stairs, smiling ironically at Ron and Harry, a Jesus-like glow emanating from her face.
"Are you God?" Ron asked, but Hermione was too busy meeting up with her hot date, Viktor Krum, to notice Ron was talking.
Everyone went down to the Yule ball and all the champions did danced in the center to--what else?
"You know it's hard out here for a pimp!" the lead singer of 3sixmafia sung angelically into the microphone. "When he trying to get his money for da rent!"
"Harry you're clearly the worst dancer I've ever seen." said Harry's date as he stepped on her foot for the fifth time.
"I try." he said.
Later that evening, Harry got bored with trying to turn his date's feet into pancakes and sat down next to Ron who was super bored and depressed.
"I hate my life." said Ron blankly.
Suddenly Hermione glided over and sat next to the two of them.
"Hot isn't it?" she said, using the oldest of the pickup lines.
"Hermione, I'm too depressed to be seduced by your cleverness." said Ron, his indignance blowing in the wind. "Besides, Krum is our enemy, and you're fraternizing with him!"
"The enemy!" Hermione screamed. "YOUR FACE is an enemy!"
"YOUR MOM is an enemy!"
Harry promptly remembered his dead mother and broke out crying. Now both Ron and Harry were crying, so Hermione just had to join.
"You two are ruining my life!" screamed Hermione. "Go upstairs to bed!"
"Your not my mother!" Ron screamed. This reminded Harry again of his dead mother, and he broke out in loud sobs.
"I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" Screeched Hermione, her gown exploding.
The next morning, Harry Potter awoke to the painful beating sounds of the mighty lightning bolts of Thor in his head. Or maybe it was the hammer of Thor. Wait, did Thor even have a weapon? Opening his eyes slowly, a blurry vision of the room came into view. He was lying on a motel floor topless, and wading in a pool of his own alcohol-stenched vomit. His glasses were missing, and, for some random reason unknown to Harry, a stuffed kangaroo dolly was cradled in his arms.
Harry sat up slowly. "Merlin," He said in a voice that strangely resembled Tony Hawk, if Tony Hawk were British, and Harry Potter. "That must have been some Yule Ball last night."
"It sure was," came a voice from besides him. It was Captain Crunch!
"Er..." Harry rubbed his head. "This has totally never happened to me before...I think I ought to apparate back to Hogwarts."
"Wait!" cried the captain, as Harry arose, now magically fully clothed and kangaroo-free. "Don't leave me, you're carrying my love child!" But love child or not, Harry had to return to Hogwarts, for today was the third task!...or maybe it was in a week or something. Well, who cares? After all, time doesn't even exist in England.
When Harry apparated back to his magical school, everyone was waiting for him to embark on the third and final task.
"Yay! The Hogwarts Champion has arrived!" They all cried in unison, clapping their hands excitedly and beaming with hope.
"Thank you, thank you," Harry said with a bow, "Okay, settle down people, I know I'm your savior, but you can seriously stop cheering for me now."
"We weren't referring to you, conceited," cried the crowd IN UNISON. "We were talking to Cedric Diggory."
Harry whirled around, and nearly collapsed at the sight of the god-like, muscular creature that stood before him.
"Hiiiiii,
Cedric." He twirled a finger around his hair and began to blush
furiously. Also, he was suddenly wearing a pink fluffy
ballerina tutu. "Ready for the third task?"
Ready or not, here it comes!
"For our third and final task," Dumbledore announced to the champions, as well as the general crowd that for some reason keeps following Harry, the protagonist, as well as the supporting characters around for the entire movie, "You will be thrown into this insanely large and deadly maze."
Seriously, the maze was like as big as Texas times seventy-eight.
AND it was entirely composed of GRASS! Like how is that
even possible? I mean, seriously, that was a lot of freaking
grass. It must have taken them several hours to plant and
fertilize all that grass, even with the help of magic. And then
after it grows there's the matter of mowing only certain sections to
form the complex maze-like form, not to mention all the set up that
must have been done with all the obstacles and the prize at the
center
of the maze. It is seriously insane.
"You are to wander aimlessly around the deadly maze without any hints or maps, or even a goal until you reach the center and place your hand on the cheap dollar store trophy. The first one to make it there without dying or running into any of the impossible and killer obstacles along the way such as gremlins and chlamydia infested tampons, will be the Triwizard champion!"
"Psh," Harry rolled his eyes. "That's all? Easy peasy. I could do that all in my sleep."
Harry ran up and joined all the other champions affront the huge maze and at the sound of the atomic bomb behind them, began the race! Harry walked far into the maze and was already starting to see things. Was that a giant chicken leg in front of him?
"Jeepers," said Harry. "Is that a giant chicken leg in front of me?"
"RAR!" screamed a possessed Viktor Krum as he sped past Harry, a wild look about him as if he was possessed.
"I wonder what that's all about." Harry mused.
Meanwhile, the-never-failing-to-look-like-a-whore-Fleur Delacour was being eaten by a killer sandwich. Leaving only Harry and Cedric Diggory (the real Hogwarts champ) running through the maze like wild sheep with syphilis. Suddenly the two ran into each other.
"We have to stop meeting like this," Harry giggled, twirling his hair around his pinky. "It's getting violent--and sexy."
"Um...I suppose. Listen, have you seen Viktor Krum in this maze recently? I mean, I know it's as big as Texas and all but somehow I managed to run into him and, well, he doesn't look healthy. As if he was being possessed.
"I didn't notice," Harry replied. "I was too busy awaiting this beautiful reunion of Harry and Cedric."
"Well, he doesn't look good."
Suddenly Viktor Krum ran into them and Cedric pulled his wand.
"You mustn't!" Screeched Harry like a banshee with polio. "He's possessed! Go home Viktor."
Viktor Krum smiled as warmly as a possessed man possibly can. "You have a kind heart, Mr. Potter." he said, and went galloping off with bloodshot eyes and growing fangs as the seconds passed.
"I thought you said you didn't know he was possessed." Cedric said blankly.
"Sorry, when I see you I just don't think straight. Right becomes wrong, truth becomes lies, the line between possessed and un-possessed becomes blurry. What can I say. You're a beautiful being."
"Well, thank you," Cedric replied. "Just next time try to tell me what actually-"
"LOOK OUT YOU'RE BEING EATEN BY THE WALL OF THIS MAZE!"
And so he was. But suddenly the trophy shining in all its glory was visible. Harry had to choose. Save the love of his life or have eternal glory.
"Harry, give me a hand, would you? I think I tripped on a stick."
"Yes, I KNOW you might die! This is tough enough for me, okay? Stop confusing me." After a moment Harry nodded to himself determinedly and helped Cedric up.
"Thanks," Cedric said, brushing off his pants.
"Your welcome, babe." Harry replied.
"Alright...well, now what do we do about the trophy?"
"Let's cut it into halves and eat it for lunch."
"I'm not so sure it would work. How about we touch it at the same time and both become Hogwarts champions?"
Harry nodded and the two of them had eternal glory! Just kidding, they actually ended up in a creepy cemetery!
Chapter 8Cedric and Harry were transported to a creepy-deepy cemetery. It was actually a rather ugly cemetery, all disheveled and old. The lawns weren't even mowed.
"Ah,
an ugly cemetery!" The savior of the wizard world squealed.
"Hold me,
Cedric! Hold me close!" Being the
man of the relationship, Cedric stood in front of Harry and held out
his wand as a source of protection. So if anyone tried to mess
with them, Cedric could, you know, like poke him in the face! Yeah,
that would work.
Just when the boys thought it couldn't get any weirder, they spotted this circle of emo guys wearing oversized hoods standing in a circle around none other then Voldemort!
"O M G, I know him!" Harry squeaked in delight. "It is so nice to see a familiar face in the middle of a cemetery." Voldemort turned around. His face was all full of botox and he was bald. In fact, he looked a lot like Owen Wilson, if Owen Wilson were bald and had a face full of botox.
"Aha, I caught you at last!" Then, taking note of Cedric, he added. "Hey, wait a tic, I don't remember you being two separate people! Something fishy is going on here..."
"Can I poke him with a stick, Master?" cried a rat-like voice. It was Wormtail!
"O
M G, I know you too!" Harry cried to Wormtail. "Small
world, huh? This
is
too funny, we should do lunch. You guys ever hear of that Thai
restaurant on the corner of Lenox Avenue? Totally reasonable,
and the best iced tea EVER."
"Um, Harry?" Cedric tapped him gently on the head, "I think we should probably do something about these guys." Harry looked up to see that Wormtail and Voldemort were eyeing them like a plate of hot Thanksgiving turkey and a side order of yams. Also, the angsty emo people in oversized hoods started moving in slowly towards them. They were murmuring a tribal chant.
"No," said Voldy. "I'll deal with the boy myself. We must kill the spare."
"The spare?" Harry turned to Cedric. "Hey, that's you!"
KAZAM!
Voldemort shot a spark of light at Cedric, and the light hurt his eyesight and killed him. Cedric was streched out motionless on the ground. Dead.
"Cedric, I can't believe you," Harry said in annoyance. "Get up, this is no time to be taking a nap, I need your help here." But the sex god did not get up.
"O my effing God, you killed him!" Harry squealed. "You are so mean! Rar!"
Harry charged at Voldemort, but his efforts were in vain, because in a matter of three seconds, Harry was suddenly bound to a cross like pole. I have no idear how that happened.
"Yay, now we get to mess with you for a while before we kill you." Voldy stepped towards the bound boy wizard. "Got your nose! Got your nose!"
"No!" Harry whined. "Give it back or I'm gonna tell Dumbledore!"
"Master," came yet another voice from the group of emo kids, who were beginning to form a mosh pit to pass the time. "Have I not been the most loyal to you out of all your other followers? Did I not come here tonight because of my loyalty? Did I not bake you that chocolate-banana cake with the words I Heart Voldy on it written in icing?"
"You are loyal, Lucius," Voldemort admitted. "But for those past twelve-thousand years when I was away, you lost hope. You thought I was dead."
"Well
Master, you were sort of gone for twelve-thousand years. I
figured
surely you had died or something."
"What, you can't wait around a couple thousand years for your master? It's called being fashionably late! And that cake you baked for me gave me diarrhea."
"Whoops."
"Unlike you, Wormtail has remained faithful through it all. I'm going to give him a present. I'm going to give him this random yet powerful claw on his hand."
"Sweet!" Wormtail cried.
"But first," said Voldemort, turning back to his turley dinner--er, Harry. "I need blood."
"Where on earth are you going to get blood from?" Harry asked dubiously. "...ohhhhhh...F$&!"
"BIBITY
BOBITY BOO!" Voldemort shot out more of those freakishly weird
spark thingies from his wand at Harry. Suddenly free, Harry
shot some sparks at Voldemort. Much like Star wars, Harry, the
hero and savior, had light blue sparks, while Voldemort, the evil
villain, had red ones. They fought and fought into the night,
occasionally taking small breaks to eat scones and drink tea and sing
Bob Marley tunes into a conveniently placed karaoke machine. Then,
like magic, their two wands combined into one ginormous red/blue
light! Harry's parents appeared. They were blue
too,
which was pretty cool, but it would have been a lot cooler if they
had been green, because green is my favorite color.
"We love you son," said Harry's mother, who was actually pretty ugly considering that in the fifth book they made her sound so hot.
"Once again, our love shall get you out of another sticky situation." said Mr. Potter, also quite aged and ugly as opposed to the sexy arrogant James that fanfic heads have grown so accustomed to...Yeah, this part of the movie was pretty much a huge let down. They seriously should have gotten some sexier ghosts.
"Yay, love makes everything all better!" Harry cried as his parents magically saved him from Voldemort again. "..Except for Cedric. My love didn't save him." Harry shrugged. "Meh, bummer."
Harry finally had a chance to grab onto the trophy again, and Cedric's dead body somehow, and was magically transported back to Hogwarts, where the band commenced playing 'Shake Dat Laffy Taffy'. Harry began bawling incessantly on Cedric's corpse, but for some reason, for the first ten minutes no one noticed.
"Hooray Harry! You're the Hogwarts champion! Great job! I knew you would do it!" Dumbledore sang joyfully. "You even brought back a souvenir! A dead corpse? Wait, wait, stop the music!"
"MY SON!" Suddenly Cedric's father showed up and shoved Harry off his boy. "What happened!"
"Dumbledore! Voldemort's back!" Harry bawled, his eyeliner running. "He killed Cedric, if you didn't notice! WAHHH!"
"Harry let's get out of here," Moody appeared and dragged Harry away from the commotion and up to his tower in the sky. Moody looked as if he were having a seizure, and reached for his booze when he realized that none was left! He pulled out his wand at Harry.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can't we talk this over? If this has anything to do with your husband, Cap'n Crunch, I'm sorry! Come on, let's get you some more gin, eh?" Harry said. Suddenly Dumbledore and all the teachers in the school burst in and shot Moody with a spell! He suddenly turned into the sexy man that shot the dark mark in the 2nd chapter!
"WOAH!" Harry screamed. "Moody, when did you get so hot!"
"I'm gonna kill you!" the guy screamed, but all the teachers threw their bodies on him like football players and held him down. They then opened up a magical box of treasure in the room, which actually turned out to be a magical box of the real Moody.
"Moody, how you hanging?" Dumbledore called down to the real Moody.
"Well I haven't eaten for months, and I think my liver--"
"Good, good, we'll get you out in a minute!" called Dumbledore. "Let's take you to Azkaban, mister!" They then carried the sexy man away on a platter. Suddenly Harry is in his room and Dumbledore is standing there.
"I always hated these curtains." he said, wise words coming at the speed of light. "I set them on fire in my fourth year."
"That must've been exciting." Harry replied.
"Oh yes. It burned down the school."
"Is that why the drywall of my room crumbles every six months?"
"Most likely. Anyways Harry, this is my cue to say something meaningful. So listen and listen good: Don't be a pansy when them hos are trying to screw us all over."
"You're going to have to speak in words I can understand better."
"How about Spanish? No seas un pansy cuando--"
"No, I pretty much have no idea what your saying."
"Aight, aight. Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon you'll have to choose between what is right, and what is easy."
"Okay, that I got."