The Song That Never Ends
Sean was sick of being led on, so his next victim would have to be someone who wouldn't let him down. It would have to be someone who owed him, who was loyal... who was he kidding? Craig's house was nearby, and he was feeling lazy.
He found Craig in his garage, as usual, strumming on his guitar, as usual. What he hadn't counted on was Ashley curled up on the couch, but hey, two meals were better than one, right?
"Hello," he said politely, after barging in through the side door.
"Oh, hey," Craig said. He didn't look up. Ashley, Sean noticed, was trying to casually cover over some rather large red splotches on her neck. All the easier to break her skin, he supposed, although he could have done without Craig slober.
"So did you hear about Paige?" Sean asked off-handedly.
"Oh, the vampire thing? Don't worry, I'm keeping my eyes out for Ellie."
"But I'm the vampire!" Sean protested. "Me. Me. Me, I tell you! ME!"
"Man, she got you too? That sucks."
Sean sighed. Why was he surrounded by such discriminatory dumb bums? Why did they assume that goth vampire? Life in Toronto was hard.
"I'm here to suck your blood. And maybe Ashley's, too."
"Oh no," Ashley said, rolling her eyes. "Poor, poor me."
"Well that seems fair," Craig conceded. "But, seeing as we're friends and all, can I have one final request, before I die?"
Sean's stomach grumbled, but he couldn't resist Craig's puppy dog eyes. "What do you want?" he asked wearily.
"I'd like to sing one last song to Ashley, the love of my life."
"That seems reasonable," Sean said. "Go ahead."
So Craig did.
"Oh Ashley, bo-Bashley,
I lurvve youuuuu
You're the thing that keeps me
From inhaling glueee
I'm so emo
I tried to kill myself
Just because I stubbed my toeeee
But then fifty of Degrassi's hottest girls
Surrounded me
And we had hot sex
Because I'm a super stud
Oh yeah, Ashley
I lurvve you..."
And that was only the first verse. He continued on and on and on and even when Sean covered his ears, he didn't stop.
"Screw this," Sean said. "I'll find my meal elsewhere."
"Take me with you!" Ashley begged. "Save me!"
But Sean was already gone. He certainly had no intention of waiting around for even another minute.
As he started down the street, he heard a loud bang, and to his relief, the Horrible, Horrible Sining stopped. And then he heard Ashley's voice, coated in insanity.
"Haha, who's singing now? Not you! Haha! Except... oh no... this damn song is stuck in my head!"
And then there was another bang, but Sean didn't much care because Ashley was right--the song was stuck in his head, too. Unfortunately, he didn't have a gun.
"I'm still hungry," he pouted. "But I guess I'd better break the news to the Kerwins."
He was just outside the house when he heard another desperate scream.
"Oh noes! What will I do now? Life is teh meaningless!" And then there was another bang--man, there were a lot of guns in Toronto.
Sean sighed and eyed Toby's bedroom window, then closing his eyes, made a flying leap. Of course, with his eyes closed, it was hard to see where he was going so he smacked into the house, face first. The second time, he was much more successful.
And sure enough, there was Toby, lying dead on his Pokemon blankets. Sean pondered for a moment, then peeked at his computer screen. The only thing visible was a simple page.
U beat da intarnets!
"Well that explains everything," Sean said.