Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Notes: Thanks so much to all my reviewers. Special thanks to PKDR and AKAArzosah for their suggestions. They are responsible for Rules Forty-Two through Forty-Six. Sorry for reposting it but I needed to correct a few things.
The list had continued. By now most people had their suspicions about who was writing it (after all whoever it was had to be extremely knowledgeable about Atlantis's system) and people were now going up to SGA-1 and telling them about new incidents.
John and Rodney were amused. Teyla and Ronon just grumbled and tried not to smile.
Rule Forty-Two: Do not eat from mysterious jars.
A. Do not eat strange off-world food period.
Carson had been most upset. SGA-7 would have tried to defend themselves but they had been too busy throwing up.
Rule Forty-Three: It is never just a harmless scratch.
John grumbled and rubbed the fading scar Ellia had left him. Everyone else noted that SGA-1 was having a great time lecturing each other with the list.
Rule Forty-Four: Only Doctor McKay is allowed to make Miko or any of the lab staff cry.
A. Or drive them to therapy.
B. Doctor Zelenka can too if they annoy him.
Rodney had been furious when he had discovered Miko in tears. Airman Reece had never scrubbed floors so hard before in his life.
Rule Forty-Five: Never ever seduce the King's daughter
A. Especially if the royal guards are nearby.
B. Even if she's "open-minded to new experiences."
C. Said King normally isn't.
Doctor Cathy Sims did a lot of fast talking and A LOT of blushing. Everyone else went in to happy fantasy land. Or at lest the men.
Rule Forty-Six: Do not make fun of the accents of the base personal. Ever.
Airman Reece was having a bad month. It got worse once the Australian personal took their revenge.
Rule Forty-Seven: If you are found being prejudice to someone for whatever reason, you will be shipped back on the Daedalus after Colonel Sheppard and his friendly Marines take you out to Boot Camp.
Only those with open minds were allowed to stay. The ones who didn't either got themselves killed or were shipped back to Earth.
Rule Forty-Eight: Do not show and/or tell those not native to Earth about the Karma Sutra.
A. Especially if it is fully illustrated.
B. Be mindful of the books you take off-world
C. Do not make us start banning books people
This was the fault of SGA-6 and their Marines. On the other hand, the locals of MGX3475 had been willing to trade anything to get it.
Rule Forty-Nine: Personal problems are not to interfere with missions.
SGA-9 had been at odds because of their last poker game. It led to a reluctance to talk to one another that had nearly gotten them all killed. Afterwards they were sent off to group therapy with Heightmayer.
Rule Fifty: You are not allowed to attach leashes to the scientists to keep them from wandering off.
A. Even though it works.
SGA-7 had done that with their two scientists. The natives of MGY5763 had thought they were slavers.
Rule Fifty-One: Alcohol is not to be taken Off-World.
SGA-14 got drunk alongside the natives. It had gotten them new allies but Elizabeth had not been happy. John hadn't been either.
Rule Fifty-Two: Picking the flowers Off-World is not permitted.
A. All plants are to be keep in cages or boxes from now on.
Captain Richardson had picked a beautiful flower for Doctor McCarthy of the Botanist Department. It had turned out to be a Man-Eating Venus Fly Trap. Luckily no one had been killed but Sergeant Bates had not been happy.
Rule Fifty-Three: Earth First/PETA members are not allowed in the labs.
Doctors Grayson and Douglas had taken over the Labs and staged a riot. It took the military praying open the doors and forcibly dragging everyone out to end it.
Rule Fifty-Four: Pointing and laughing is not a good idea.
A. You will most likely offend the natives.
SGA-13 was not allowed to do anything but stand there and look pretty. They also got to be the first people to suffer through the anthropologists lessons on what not to do and what to do when greeting natives.
Rule Fifty-Five: When talking to others about Earth culture, DO NOT start talking about soap operas!
Major Laurence had been trying to be helpful. All she did was cause the natives to become horribly confused and wary of Earth people.
Rule Fifty-Six: Decaf coffee is hereby banned from Atlantis.
A. If you want it keep it hidden in your room.
B. If it is already in a coffee machine warn people.
The coffee in the Labs had been switched to decaf first. Then all the rest in Atlantis. What happened next was not pretty and ten people ended up in the infirmary.
Rule Fifty-Seven: If you have a camera, do not take pictures of the locals.
The local Priests had though SGA-10 was trying to steal their souls. It led to a quick retreat back through the gate and disbelieving looks from the Command Staff.
Rule Fifty-Eight: If it is brightly colored then ninety percent of the time it will be poisonous.
MYA4786 was full of brightly colored tropical rainforests. SGA-8 learned the hard way that bright colored plants and animals were bad.
Rule Fifty-Nine: Hitting the son of the local ruler is not a good idea.
A. Even if he was being a little too grabby with one of your team members.
The local ruler's son had taken a shine to John. Teyla had cautioned him not to do anything drastic right before she, Ronon and Rodney had attacked said son. Rodney got the most hits in. It led to the next rule too.
Rule Sixty: When challenged to a duel with swords do not say to your teammates "Of course I know what I'm doing! The pointy end goes in the other guy!"
A. It will not inspire confidence in them.
John, Ronon and Teyla had crashed the duel. Rodney was still extremely grateful.
Rule Sixty-One: Just because someone dared you to doesn't mean you should do it.
Doctor Edwards had dared Captain Louis to walk blindfolded during their next mission. She accepted and hadn't believed her team when they shouted "Cliff!" Fortunately it wasn't a long fall and she came away with only a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder.
When he heard about it, John had icily informed them they would be staring on the list.
Rule Sixty-Two: It is not nice to tease someone about their worse fears.
A. Especially Off-World.
B. There is such a thing as Karma.
SGA-8 had gated to another planet and Captain Johnson had been teasing Major Laurence about her fear of big snakes. The planet they gated to turned out to be full of giant anacondas, the littlest being over seventy feet long. Major Laurence had been reduced to a gibbering wreck when SGA-8 came screaming through the Gate.
Rule Sixty-Three: "How bad could it be?" "Nothing could go wrong now" or "What could possibly go wrong?" are never to be said.
A. We should not have to say this people.
SGA-9 had said it. The world they were on nearly ended.
Rule Sixty-Four: Do not threaten to hex somebody.
A. It causes the natives to panic.
Doctor Kim had not been serious. The natives hadn't known that. Sergeant Adams was threatening to duck tape her mouth shut the next time they went Off-World.
Rule Sixty-Five: Easter Egg Hunts are no longer allowed.
Elizabeth had thought it would help people relax. Unfortunately the soldiers got a little too into it and started attacking one another for the eggs. Carson had not been amused.
Rule Sixty-Six: Trust your friends. They have your best interests at heart.
Rodney grumbled and glared. The other three ignored him.
Rule Sixty-Seven: Caves. They will collapse once you enter them.
A. Even if they've been perfectly safe for the past two hundred years.
The Atlantis Expedition was not having much luck with caves. SGA-11 had the worse luck though. The second they stepped into a cave it collapsed. Once was ignored. Twice was chalked up as bad luck. Twenty-four times was not.
Rule Sixty-Eight: The Wraith are not to be referred to in reports as "the wannabe Draculas"
A. Remember we do send these reports to Earth weekly now.
No one in Atlantis had noticed. However, Stargate Command had.
Rule Sixty-Nine: Slumber parties are fine as long as they don't get out of hand.
The women had decided to have a slumber party. It got very out of hand and the Mess Hall was painted bright pink. The women all got to repaint it.
Rule Seventy: Sometimes you're better off not asking.
Elizabeth had been forced to ask SGA-14 why the came back through the Gate naked. She promptly told John the next rule.
Rule Seventy-One: When baby-sitting the Athosian children do not show them horror movies.
A. Or any cartoons either.
The soldiers were still in trouble for that one. The Athosian parents had been less than pleased.
Rule Seventy-Two: Do not remind any of the Command Staff about paper work they need to do.
A. They know. It will just make them cross.
The Command Staff did not like to do paper work. Since the made contact with Earth again they could regrettably could not slack off. This tend to put them in bad moods.
Rule Seventy-Three: Be diplomatic. It never hurts.
SGA-10 learned that the hard way. The local Priest probably still wanted to burn them.
Rule Seventy-Four: When handed clothing by the local ruler, shut up and put it on.
A. No matter how silly it looks.
SGA-4 had protested. They got run off the planet.
Rule Seventy-Five: Crazy Theories are good.
A. In this galaxy, very high possibility that they are correct.
The Atlantis Expedition had been forced to acknowledge that several times. It made the scientists rather grumpy.
Rule Seventy-Six: When Off-World, be sure of what you are accepting.
Doctor Stacey had not been and wound up with a new wife. It probably would have been less heart attack inducing to everyone back on Atlantis if Doctor Stacey was not a woman as well.
On the other hand, when anyone asked one the ladies how the marriage was going they would smile and say very good.
Rule Seventy-Seven: Jumper races are not allowed by the order of Doctor Weir.
John and Rodney were still sulking over it.
Rule Seventy-Eight: Do not take chocolate Off-World.
SGA-14 had gotten mobbed by the natives. They limped back through the Gate extremely unhappy.
Rule Seventy-Nine: Do not pay the scientists to write your reports.
Elizabeth had not been amused. She also complained she was working with children and John and Rodney were to be quite because they were the biggest.
John and Rodney had wisely remained silent.
Rule Eighty: Big cats are not nice kitties.
SGA-2 had a mascot. The rest of Atlantis freaked out. They also were having trouble getting rid of it. Mainly because none of the soldiers were willing to get close to it. It looked like SGA-2 was going to be able to keep Fluffy.
Rule Eighty-One: Gurney races are not allowed.
A. Neither are wheelchair races.
B. The rest of Atlantis would like to remind the Medical Department that you guys are suppose to be saving us, not killing us!
The Medical Department got bored. The rest of Atlantis suffered for it.
Rule Eighty-Two: Superglue is not to be used on people.
Doctor Flagg was still upset about being super glued to Airman Reece. No one could blame him. Those responsible had apologized several times. He wasn't suppose to have been super glued to Reece. Unsurprisingly Flagg was plotting revenge.
Rodney shook his head as he sent the next rule. Really people could be such idiots. John smiled slightly at the look on Rodney's face than dragged him off. The four of them had decided to camp out on the balcony. Well it was more like Teyla and John had decided and Ronon and Rodney got dragged into it.
Rodney rolled his eyes and let himself be led to the balcony. Ronon and him would be getting their revenge soon enough anyway.