Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Notes: I love my reviewers. Thank you all so much! Again much thanks to PKDR for rule 109.
Everyone knew who was creating the List after the next rule was posted. Ronon and Rodney were swearing vengeance. Teyla and John had taken to avoiding them. Elizabeth just kept mumbling about how she worked with children.
Rule Eighty-Three: If you're going to have a camp out on the balcony, make sure you check the weather.
John and Teyla hadn't. The four of them spent several days in the Infirmary, recovering from their colds. Rodney and Ronon were giving the others the silent treatment and were busy plotting their revenge.
Rule Eighty-Four: Do not get revenge Off-World.
Rodney and Ronon had. Teyla and John ended up nearly getting sacrificed to the Wraith. Now it was the two of them refusing to speak to the others. Elizabeth was ready to strangle all four of them.
Rule Eighty-Five: By orders of Doctor Weir, no more prank wars.
SGA-1 started it. The scientists, techs and cooks were recruited to the side of Ronon and Rodney. Teyla and John got the soldiers, Athosians and somehow, everyone else would like to know how they managed it, the medics. Elizabeth finally put her foot down when the scientists and techs turned the other side neon yellow and flooded their bathrooms; the cooks made macaroni and cheese for five days straight and nothing else; the soldiers filled the Labs with shaving cream; and the medics started calling in the other side for "emergency" shots.
Rule Eighty-Six: Nothing in this Galaxy is idiot proof.
A. Do not tempt Fate by saying that something is.
That one was, according to mostly everybody, a big fat duh/
Rule Eighty-Seven: No more paper clip chains competitions.
A. Or tic tac toe games.
SGA-4 had decided to see who could make the biggest paper clip chain. It caused several riots when everyone else noticed the shortage of paper clips. Then they decided to play tic tac toe. They put one another in the Infirmary.
Rule Eighty-Eight: Do not use teary eyes and pouting to get your way.
A. Do not attack people over said teary eyes and pouts.
John, Laura Cadman, Major Laurence, Captain Dodson, Miko, Captain Matthews, Doctor McCarthy and Doctor Stacey's wife were very good at using teary eyes and pouts to get their way. Their teammates and/or significant others were very good at attacking people over it.
Rule Eighty-Nine: Do not give philosophical lectures to our enemies.
A. They don't like it.
Doctor Molane had. It had enraged the Ithacans, the natives of MXW456, so much that they nearly killed her and the rest of SGA-7 before back up arrived.
Rule Ninety: No more bets about who's going to get injured.
A. It's rude people.
B. Stop betting about us!
John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon had discovered the betting pool about which one of them would come back injured. They weren't happy.
Rule Ninety-One: No more kidnappings.
John and Rodney got kidnapped. Again. For the twentieth time. Teyla and Ronon were annoyed and ended up destroying an entire civilization. It was really quite impressive.
Elizabeth didn't think so however. It was the sixth civilization SGA-1 alone had destroyed.
Rule Ninety-Two: Fluffy is the only animal allowed in Atlantis.
A. This does not count the ones in the Labs.
SGA-2 still had their mascot. The soldiers were still terrified of the sixteen foot kitty that followed SGA-2 around. Elizabeth decided no more pets, with no exceptions, in fear that Fluffy might eat said pets. No one argued.
Earth also finally read the reports where SGA-2 acquired Fluffy. John had helpfully sent along pictures. Now they were freaking out.
Rule Ninety-Three: Do not paint Atlantis.
Someone had decided to pain the Control Room during the night; it now depicted a very nice map of the stars in Atlantis's sky. The night techs of course claimed they didn't see anything. No one believed them.
Rule Ninety-Four: No more food fights.
A. Even if the food tastes horrible.
The Daedalus was late. The kitchen staff, still upset over the fact their Mess Hall was semi bright pink, decided to make root stew. It wasn't actual stew though; more like Jell-O made of Mainland Root. Atlantis rebelled, had a food fight and had to clean the Mess Hall.
The cooks finally got their Mess Hall looking normal though.
Rule Ninety-Five: No more sponge races by orders of Doctor Beckett.
The soldiers were antsy so they created a new sport. They tied wet sponges to their feet after spraying down a balcony. Then they had races. Majors Lorne, Laurence, and Raine were in the infirmary along with Captains Matthews and Stevens. Carson was furious. John was upset because Carson yelled at him.
Rule Ninety-Six: The Gate is not to be referred to in reports as "The Gate of Doom."
A. Or "The Gate of Hell."
B. Or "The Portal to Mordor."
C. We should not have to say this people.
Stargate Command had complained again. Apparently it caused flashbacks to when General O'Neil was still in command of SG-1.
Rule Ninety-Seven: Stay away from the wildlife.
SGA-1 loathed bugs. SGA-2 loathed giant bears. SGA-3 and 5 hated the dogs of the Pegasus Galaxy. SGA-4 took their dislike of rats to a whole new level of scary. SGA-6, 10 and 12 hated the birds. SGA-7, 9 and 14 twitched at the mention of snails; everyone else was afraid to ask why and the three teams weren't telling. Thankfully. SGA-8 still flinched at the mention of snakes; Major Laurence would start crying if someone mentioned them around her. SGA-13 hated bats. SGA-11 did not like the fishes. SGA-15 managed to nearly get eaten by giant worms. SGA-16 got attacked by giant man eating bunnies.
And SGA-2 had Fluffy too.
Rule Ninety-Eight: The Lord of the Rings fanatics are not allowed to attack people.
A. They might deserve it but you can't do it.
Airman Reece insulted Tolkien. The Lord of the Rings fans went nuts.
Rule Ninety-Nine: Paint ball guns are not to be given to children.
A. When you baby-sit use common sense.
B. For convenience, and so the parents don't kill us, soldiers are not allowed to baby.
One of these days the Athosian parents were going to kill the soldiers. And it would be bloody.
Rule One Hundred: Bungee Jumping has been banned.
Several people threw fits when the three Majors bungeed jumped off one of Atlantis's upper balconies. John was the one who ended up lecturing them because Elizabeth was nursing a headache and Carson developed a twitch in his eye whenever he saw them.
Rule One Hundred One: Remote control cars are not to be driven down hallways.
A. Find an empty room if you want to race.
The scientists bribed the Daedalus crew again. They also caused some minor injuries when they raced their new cars down the occupied hallways.
Rule One Hundred Two: Do not try to get any of the techs to dress in red shirts.
It drove several techs to Heightmayer. Kate wasn't happy. It was the first time anyone saw her lose her temper. She was frightening when angry.
Rule One Hundred Three: Do not lock the Daedalus crew out of Atlantis and tell them they cannot enter until they say the password.
Caldwell kept giving John the evil eyes over that one. John glared at everyone involved.
Rule One Hundred Four: Jumanji is banned from Atlantis.
A. And/Or anything related to Jumanji.
B. Do NOT argue with us on this.
One of the Daedalus crew members found an actual Jumanji board game and gave it to one of the scientists. The scientist then invited the rest of Atlantis to see how it worked. It started out great. Until Atlantis somehow managed to make it real. Then it wasn't so great.
Rule One Hundred Five: Tell people before you shoot off fireworks.
SGA-3 hadn't. They nearly got themselves killed.
Rule One Hundred Six: Do not do something stupid to prove your point.
SGA-16 had been Off-World and Doctor Flagg had refused to believe that the ring of toadstools could be a Fairy Ring. He and Captain Richardson had disagreed and then descended into an half an hour argument. Major Raine finally snapped and stepped into it to end the argument.
SGA-16 then discovered that Fairies are vicious people that should never ever be bothered. Major Raine's arm was his worse injury; it was broken in two places and would be in a cast for eight weeks. He wasn't happy. Elizabeth just downed Advil and added Fairies to the list of the enemies in the Pegasus Galaxy. It was a long list.
Rule One Hundred Seven: Never go to a fair in the Pegasus Galaxy.
The locals had invited SGA-11 to a fair. They barely escaped with their lives.
Rule One Hundred Eight: Nothing is impossible.
The Atlantis Expedition figured that one out in the first month alone. It was very hard to argue that one when there were life-sucking vampires hiding in the shadows.
Rule One Hundred Nine: Wielding a Zippo Lighter does not make you the Fire God
A. Despite what the natives might believe
B. Or how much you've had to drink.
SGA-14 went to a festival. They got drunk again. Captain Louis had a lighter. One thing led to another and MYR7569 had a new religion.
Elizabeth reached a whole new level of livid.
Rule One Hundred Ten: Surprise parties should not be thrown for the soldiers.
Captain Stevens nearly shot a couple people when startled. Luckily they ducked.
Rule One Hundred Eleven: Do not put Christmas Lights on the Gate.
A. Or in the Gate Room.
B. Do not decorate the Gate or the Gate Room without permission.
The night techs were easily bored and easily entertained. They were also extremely good at bribing the Daedalus crew.
Rule One Hundred Twelve: Do not run with scissors.
It was posted in the Science Labs and in the hallways connected to the Science Lab. Miko was still apologizing to Radek.
Rule One Hundred Thirteen: Remember, you are not Daniel Jackson. If you die you will not get magically resurrected.
After that rule was posted everyone tried to figure out how many times Daniel Jackson had died. Daniel also apparently heard about it and sent Rodney a note saying "You're just jealous." Rodney sent one back. Daniel sent another. Jack and John stopped it before it got ugly.
Rule One Hundred Fourteen: Bagpipes are annoying. Do not play them over the speakers.
SGA-5 found bagpipes. No one knew where. Rodney suspected Carson had something to do with it.
Rule One Hundred Fifteen: Do not push the red button.
SGA-6 found that one out the hard way. Sergeant Maxwell was ready to strangle the rest of his team in frustration.
Rule One Hundred Sixteen: Stay away from Wraith worshipping cultures.
There were actually a lot of planets where the people worshipped the Wraith. Both the Tauri and the Athosians found it unnerving.
Rule One Hundred Seventeen: Messing with 'The Great Powers' is a bad idea.
SGA-10 was refusing to tell exactly what happened. They came back battered, bruised, missing half of their clothes, and bright yellow.
Rule One Hundred Eighteen: Legends are never just legends.
In this Galaxy, legends of beings with great power were not false. It also made running into said legends usually very painful.
Rule One Hundred Nineteen: The Harry Potter fans are not allowed to try and create magic wands.
They tried. They burned down three labs in the ensuring explosion.
Rule One Hundred Twenty: Do not play Metallica, Blink 182, or any of those types of bands Off-World.
A. The natives will not like it.
SGA-5 discovered that one Captain Ryans was still trying to kill Lieutenant Smith over it.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-One: Be discreet about the dartboards.
The scientists helped the soldiers post the pictures onto the dartboards of the Expedition's most persistent enemies such as the Wraith and the Genii. It expanded and everyone had at lest three dartboards. Elizabeth and the rest of the Command Staff were concerned over what might happen if Caldwell discovered it. After all, it wasn't exactly ethical.
Heightmayer had volunteered that, if asked, she would claim it as therapeutic. Which it was.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Two: Do not try to escape from the Infirmary before Doctor Beckett says you can.
A. He will not be happy.
Carson was at his wits ends. He was now resorting to restraints. And large needles.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Three: Taunting the Wraith is never a good idea.
A. Even if SGA-1 does it frequently.
Carson was less than amused by the new hobby the SGA teams had picked up. He blamed SGA-1 for it. They couldn't argue it.
Rodney smiled slightly as he posted the latest rule before sighing. They had a mission today and all four of them had bad feelings about it.
This was so not going to end well.