Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Note: You guys are fantastic. Thanks to MuseUrania, PKDR. PhenioxGirl and AKAArzasah for Rules 126-135. Also thanks to Bansheighe44 for Rule 151. And my sister has my thanks for Rule 140 and for being my beta.
They were right. The last mission had not been fun. In fact it had been a disaster and a major headache. SGA-1 was still sulking over it. After hearing about what happened on it, no one could blame them.
The scientists, except for Rodney, were ecstatic. They were gleefully disassembling the device after promising to be careful and not turn it on. The Medical Department started preparing for emergencies anyway.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Four: Time Travel is bad and confusing.
SGA-1 did not have fun on their latest mission. They ended up traveling through time and being very annoyed. On the plus side they only had minor injuries. Privately everyone else was more amazed about that than the time travel.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Five: Do not use the Orion for joy rides.
Elizabeth put a stop to it. Everyone else was disappointed.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Six: Don't allow Off-World women to place wreaths of flowers on your head.
A. Then dance with them in the center of a circle.
B. Or allow the village to toast you in a language your linguist doesn't understand.
C. Above three are NEVER good put together as it means you've just obtained a new wife.
John had. Rodney laughed himself sick. Luckily Teyla was able to get John out of it.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Seven: Puddle Jumpers do not glide.
A. They fall.
B. Fast.
C. They're heavy too.
SGA-4 had tried to impress the villagers by landing in the village square. They'd crushed the village chief's house and killed some of his livestock. They subsequently lost the trading deal for the coffee-like beans. Rodney wasn't talking to them.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Eight: The Mess Hall is not to be referred to as "The Grand Experiment."
Caldwell took to hiding in his ship around meal time. Everyone else either hid in their offices, rooms or in the labs.
Rule One Hundred Twenty-Nine: Fluffy MUST be house trained soon.
SGA-2 was beginning to regret their mascot. Everyone else already did.
Rule One Hundred Thirty: Only Doctor Weir is allowed to call Doctor McKay "my grumbly little cuddly bear."
Cuddly Bear was not amused. John was. In Elizabeth's defense, she was drunk at the time.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-One: Stop selling the new soldiers "Dictionaries of Techno-Babble."
A. No such guide exists. It will not help them understand the scientists.
B. This is just cruel people.
The "Old Guard" was disappointed. They had racked in a lot of money. And candy.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Two: Mission reports are not stories and you are not Tolkien.
A. "Once Upon A Time" is not a valid opening statement.
B. Neither is "There once was a Brilliant Astrophysicist."
C. And never close with "And They Lived Happily Ever After."
Apparently there were quite a lot of flashbacks happening back on Earth. Major Davis had nearly been reduced to tears. Atlantis, on the other hand, seemed to be gleefully attempting to drive Earth insane.
Elizabeth, John and Rodney just smiled innocently when Caldwell asked if that was their grand plan to get whatever they wanted.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Three: The non-ATA humans are not to be referred to as insignificant mortals.
Kate had not been pleased. And there was much rejoicing throughout the land. Or at lest the formerly insignificant mortals were rejoicing.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Four: Hero class is hereby cancelled by order of Doctor Weir.
A. It's giving the soldiers bad habits.
Sheppard sulked. He wasn't happy over the loss of his "padwans."
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Five: Even in Pegasus, some things are too good to be true.
A. Truthfully we should not have to say this.
SGA-6 had done it again. The glorious weapon had definitely not been what they were expecting.
Elizabeth refused to let them turn the very scary pregnant red head lose on the Wraith. SGA-6 thought she was upset over the fact that the very scary pregnant red head was now living on Atlantis and Lieutenant Kelly was going to be the baby's adopted father.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Six: The answer to the village leader's question of why you should be allowed to look at the ruins is NOT "Sic him Fluffy!"
A. It may be effective as hell but it doesn't win us any allies.
On the other hand SGA-2 got to look at the ruins. And the natives of MFG576 were falling over themselves in order to please the Atlantis Expedition to insure that they didn't bring their kitty back.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Seven: Do not mock the explosive experts.
A. It will not be pretty.
Several people had made that mistake. They then found out why the explosive experts were the explosive experts. Said explosive experts blew up their showers and thus flooded their rooms.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Eight: Bubble gum is not allowed Off-World.
Sergeant Jordan had brought some Off-World. It scared the local Priests. Major Lorne was not pleased. Neither was the rest of SGA-3.
Rule One Hundred Thirty-Nine: Cute and cuddly does not mean friendly in the Pegasus.
SGA-9 had gated to a world full of creatures that looked like a mix between a cat and a bunny. Cadman had thought they were cute. Sergeant Clark and Captain Stevens had reminded her of Fluffy. They were right. The cute little cat bunnies ate meat. And they swarmed. SGA-9 proceeded to run for their lives.
Rule One Hundred Forty: Do not tell the natives that you are Jedi Knights.
A. You don't really have the Force.
SGA-15 had done it. The natives believed them. They revamped their religion in honor of "The great Jedi Knights who fight the Wraith."
Elizabeth was not happy. It was the fifth religion that had been formed by one of Atlantis teams.
Rule One Hundred Forty-One: Do not tell the natives "We are not here. It is all in your mind."
A. It won't work.
B. It will just annoy them.
SGA-11 should have known better. Lieutenant Smith just claimed that it was worth a try.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Two: From this moment on the "Toaster Incident" is never to be mentioned.
A. Ever.
The Toaster Incident would forever remain a secret between the Expedition members. All Caldwell was able to discover was that it had something to do with a gender switching toaster.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Three: Pogo Sticks. ..Just no.
Somehow SGA-5 bribed the Daedalus crew to bring them pogo sticks. It turned out to be a very bad idea. This was really not surprising when a person thought about it.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Four: Do not knock your friends out.
A. They might be stubborn but it's still a bad idea.
B. Even though it works.
C. Doctor Beckett doesn't like it.
John and Rodney had been arguing. Teyla managed to lure Rodney into the room she and Ronon planned to lock the other two in. Ronon had a harder time and finally just knocked John out. John was understandably annoyed. So was Carson.
On the other hand, John and Rodney were speaking to one another again. They were also back to happily causing chaos and destruction. Elizabeth claimed she wasn't sure which she preferred: John and Rodney speaking or refusing to speak.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Five: The kitchen staff does not care what you like.
A. Arguing with them will achieve nothing.
The kitchen staff could not be bribed. It made the rest of Atlantis rather sulky
Rule One Hundred Forty-Six: Jumping off cliffs is not allowed.
A. Unless it's an emergency.
SGA-1 had taken a dive off a cliff into a river to avoid the angry natives on their last mission. Carson and Elizabeth had been less than pleased to hear about it. They seemed to think that it was going to inspire more bad habits, and thus the latest rule.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Seven: The phrase "In a galaxy far, far away" has been banned.
A. It's not funny anymore.
The first couple of times it had been amusing. After the two hundred and tenth it was annoying.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Eight: Appearances are deceptive.
SGA-1 was thinking of the Genii. SGA-13 was thinking about the planet with the pink sky, beautiful waterfalls, cute and friendly wildlife and really unfriendly natives.
Rule One Hundred Forty-Nine: Never underestimate the stupidity of your enemies.
The Atlantis Expedition was getting ridiculously good at jailbreaks.
Rule One Hundred Fifty: Atlantis is sentient.
A. Don't piss her off.
The scientists had raised hell when they figured this one out. Elizabeth just grumbled that it figured and glared at John. John protested that it wasn't his fault and would people please stop blaming him for Atlantis's mood swings?
Rule One Hundred Fifty-One: Do not mess with the scientists.
A. They always come up with ways of saving your collective arses. Remember this military. We are the ones who save you.
B. Don't piss them off either. They will get their revenge when you lest expect it.
The Science Department was understandably smug. It wasn't like anyone could argue with it either.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Two: Do not try to excuse your actions with "It seemed like a good idea at a time."
SGA-1 struck again. Elizabeth had not been amused with that excuse. The ensuring lecture was particularly nasty.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Three: Do not lob stress balls at people's heads.
Carson snapped and threw his stress ball at John's head. John ducked. Rodney, who had been entering the infirmary at the time, hadn't.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Four: When experimenting, use common sense.
Several scientists hadn't and ended up shorting out all the lights in Atlantis. Rodney was furious and broke his record; he managed to call them idiots sixty-three different ways before repeating himself.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Five: Do not wage wars over materials.
A. Just hold on until the Daedalus arrives with more.
The Chemists had thought that the Botanists were hoarding coffee and went to war against them. The military had to be called in to break it up and Carson had twelve new patients. The Command Staff was depressed. They thought they wouldn't have to deal with any supply wars now that they were back in contact with Earth.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Six: Strip poker is not to be played Off-World.
SGA-15 had engaged in a game of friendly strip poker Off-World. Only problem was that the natives kept the clothes they lost. Sergeant Matthews and Lieutenant Roberts came back naked. Doctor Nelson had smugly walked through the Gate completely clothed.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Seven: Barney is not to be mentioned Off-World.
SGA-12 freaked out the locals on MVC546 by talking to them about Barney. Apparently they made a couple kids cry.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Eight: Do not paint the Puddle Jumpers.
Someone had painted the Puddle Jumper that John and Radek had used to rescue Rodney from the bottom of the ocean a bright yellow. People were referring to it now as the Yellow Submarine. John and Radek were furious that someone had dared to paint the Puddle Jumpers.
Rule One Hundred Fifty-Nine: If one of the locals gives you a map that tells you where some ruins of highly advanced Ancient technology are AND how to get back to the Stargate, DO NOT LOSE IT!
SGA-16 had the map. Lieutenant Kling lost it. SGA-16 was hopelessly lost. They eventually found their way to the ruins and waited there for the backup teams to find them.
The rest of Atlantis was swearing to never let them live it down.
Rule One Hundred Sixty: Do not give pyromaniacs matches.
A. Or lighters.
B. Or anything that can be used to create fire.
Captain Louis was a pyro. The rest of SGA-14 should have known better than to give her matches.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-One: Do not sing annoying songs Off-World.
A. Especially "This Is the Song That Never Ends"
The natives, for some reason, had issues with Earth's more annoying songs. This of course led several teams to do all they could to annoy them. Notably SGA-4.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Two: Also do not ask local guides "Are we there yet?" every five minutes.
A. The helpful local guides will no longer be helpful if you do.
SGA-4 was having a competition to see who could annoy the most locals Off-World. Elizabeth put a stop to it once she learned of it. To say she was unhappy about the competition was an understatement.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Three: Sock puppets are not to be taken Off-World.
A. Do NOT give little children X rated puppet shows!
SGA-13 had. The natives had been extremely unhappy and blamed Atlantis for their children's sudden education.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Four: Rubber bands are not to be used as weapons.
The soldiers had been going around and shooting rubber bands at people. The scientists retaliated. It descended into war.
Rodney glared at John after posting the latest rule. He blamed John. John glared back. He claimed it was not his fault. Teyla cleared her throat and gave them the look. Sheepishly they got up to follow her for Team Movie Night.