White Pony: Here's another insanity-filled chapter! Disclaimer Dude, you're up!
Disclaimer Dude: White Pony doesn't own Poke'mon, Ninja Turtles or anything else that I'm not in the mood to mention.
White Pony: The Lumberjack song belongs to Monty Python!
Disclaimer Dude: Yeah.
Chapter Fourteen: Bazaar the Lumberjack
"What's it to ya?" Rita asked in suspicion.
"I just caught a Squirtle that is always getting into mischief."
"What did it do?" Jessica asked.
"Well, right after I caught him..."
FLASHBACK:
A psychotic-looking Squirtle wearing a purple head bandana and purple wrist bands was holding a torch while dancing around a tragic scene. A building has been burnt down to the ground! Police cars and fire trucks were driving around in panic, people were screaming, children were crying, and marshmallows were being roasted.
"SQUIRTLE, SQUIRT, SQUIRTLE!" (BURN, BABY, BURN!) the psycho ninja Squirtle chanted, then he disappeared into the shadows.
END OF FLASHBACK
"And another time..."
ANOTHER FLASHBACK:
The Squirtle walked into a bank with an orange bandana over his eyes and around his head. He was also carrying a paper bag.
"Squirtle! Squirt Squirt Squirtle!" (Alright! Hand it all over! The money!) The ninja Squirtle whipped out a plastic spork and everyone in the bank immediately dropped to the floor in fear, "Squirtle Squirtle!" (Don't make me use this!)
The Squirtle jumped onto the counter and yelled at the person behind it, "Squirtle Squirtle!" (Give me all the money!)
"Will that be from your checking or savings account?" he asked the mad Squirtle, who then slapped him in the face with his plastic spork. The people gasped in horror.
"Squirt Squirtle Squirtle, Squirt!" (Don't give me any of your wisecracks, punk!) The Squirtle grabbed the employee by the collar of his shirt and did the most evil thing he could think of in his twisted, ninja mind: he put gum in his hair. The brave man screeched like a newborn chimpanzee with constipation and gave away the bank's money to the Squirtle. The Squirtle left the bank as the employee tried to remove the sticky gum from his hair. What a brave man. The innocent bystanders gave a moment of silence on the tragic scene.
Then just as the Squirtle disappeared, the police had arrested an innocent suspect. The suspect was Michelangelo, the orange clad Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
"I swear! I didn't do it!" Michelangelo protested as he was lead into the police car.
END OF FLASHBACK.
"It needs a good trainer to set it straight."
"Obviously," Rita agreed.
"Would you take this Squirtle?" the lady asked Jessica.
"Sure!" Jessica was handed the Squirtle's Poke'ball. Then it came out.
"Squirtle, this young girl is your new trainer," the lady explained to the Squirtle.
The Squirtle's eyes widened in surprise. He pulled a window out of the plot hole and yelled.
"Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle!" (You'll never take me alive, coppers!) The demented Squirtle leaped through the window, shattering the glass.
"He's adorable!" Jessica cooed.
"He's crazy!" Rita exclaimed.
"Pikachu!" (He's nuts!) Purge cried.
"He's my kinda guy!" said a thick brown book that was dressed up like a pirate. Then the book transformed into a bag of marshmallows, which were later eaten by Lakota.
Jessica seized the Squirtle into a hug, "I'll call you 'Leonardo'!"
"Squirt Squirtle!" (Let me go!) Leonardo struggled in Jessica's love grip.
"Alright, then. Go inside your round thing," Leonardo was withdrawn into his Poke'ball.
"Please treat Squirtle right," the lady pleaded.
"What is he gonna do? Murder us?" Rita asked sarcastically.
"Yes," the lady replied in a serious tone.
Rita and Purge backed up slowly. Jessica watched them with a confused expression. Mistaking their actions for a game, she followed suit. They ended up inside the Poke'mon Fan Club. When Purge was a cute Clefairy, she ran up to him and immediately became infatuated.
"Pika Pika!" (Gasp gasp!) Purge gasped.
The Clefairy sweat dropped. Rita's Psyduck let himself out and she chased him around the room.
"Hi!" Jessica cheerfully introduced herself to the man with the Clefairy.
"Wouldn't you just admire my Clefairy's adorable tail?" he asked.
"I just love my Seel! It squeals when I hug it!" a young girl nearby squealed.
"Seel Seel Seel!" (That's because you choke me!) The girl's Seel cried, but the girl giggled and hugged her tightly, making her squeal.
"SEEL!" (NEED AIR!) Seel squealed.
"Humph! My Clefairy is twice as cute as that one!" the man proclaimed.
"Oh, dear!" the girl declared as she released her relieved Seel, "My Seel is much cuter!"
Bored with their bickering, Jessica skipped over to the Chairman. Jessica heard about the Chairman and his love for Poke'mon, but she always thought that the fancy chair that the Chairman sat in was what made the Chairman a Chairman.
"I am the Chairman of the Poke'mon Fan Club!" the chatty Chairman exclaimed to Jessica, "I have over a hundred Poke'mon and I love them all! I am very fussy when it comes to Poke'mon! So. Did you come to hear me brag about my Poke'mon?"
Jessica nodded enthusiastically, "Sure!"
"Good! My favorite... Rapidash! It's cute... lovely... smart... plus amazing. Do you think so?... Yes it stunning... ravishing... love it... hug it when sleeping... warm..."
Twelve hours later, Jessica was still listening intently to the blabbing Chairman while everyone, Poke'mon included, fell asleep. How rude. Well, Psyduck hadn't fallen asleep. He was still running around the room.
"...Cuddly... just wonderful... Oops! Look at the time! I kept you too long! Thanks for hearing me out! Take this! It's a... a thing! Exchange it for a Bicycle! Don't worry, my Fearow will Fly me anywhere, so I don't need a Bicycle. I hope you like cycling!"
Then, Rita's Psyduck crashed into the Chairman's fancy chair, destroying it.
"No! My chair! I can't be the Chairman without my fancy chair!" the Chairman sobbed.
"That's alright, sir. We have a spare!" said the lady beside him.
"You are so wonderful, my fabulous assistant!" he kneeled before her and randomly pulled out a ring, "Will you marry me?"
"Oh, yes! I will, sir!"
"Thank you!" Jessica stuffed the... thing into her bag and she poked Rita until she woke up, who then withdrew her dazed Psyduck, then she carried Purge, who was still asleep.
After the trip to the Poke'mon Center, Jessica, Purge who was now awake, and Rita stopped at Cerulean City to exchange the... thing for a Bicycle that somehow could fit inside of Jessica's bag. I guess some mysteries just aren't meant to be solved.
Bazaar used Cut to hack down the small trees blocking the path to Rock Tunnel. Along the way, Jessica sang Monty Python's Lumberjack song.
"Ohhh... He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night, he works all day,
he eats his lunch, he cuts down trees!
He goes to the lava-tree!"
"You!" a girl interrupted Jessica, "You have Poke'mon? You're mine!"
"Sorry, but I don't swing that way," Jessica sweat dropped. Rita and Purge burst out laughing while the Lass' eyes darted in all directions.
"My mistake. Let's battle!" the Lass sent out a Bellsprout, "Go, Bellsprout!"
"Okay! Go, Shetan!" Jessica released her Charmander who was still wearing his blinkers.
"Charmander Char!" (Let's hurry!) Shetan cried, "Charmander Mander!" (My show is on in five minutes!)
"Alright, Shetan, Ember!"
Shetan's Ember knocked out Bellsprout in one hit. Same thing with the Oddish, the other Bellsprout, and the other Oddish. Shetan was withdrawn into his Poke'ball right when his show started. It was Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.
"On Wednesdays he goes shopping
and has buttered scones for tea!
Ohhh! He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night, he works all day!
He eats his lunch, he cuts down trees!
He skips, he jumps!
He likes to press wild flowers!
He puts on women's clothing
and hangs around in bars!"
Purge, Rita, and Bazaar exchanged concerned glances. Jessica's song was again interrupted by a trainer wanting to battle.
"Geodude, go!" a Hiker released his rock Poke'mon.
"Bazaar! Go!"
"Bulbasaur!" (Finally!)
"Vine Whip!" Jessica commanded.
"Pika Pi Pikachu." (She's getting better at this.)
"I wish I understood you, Purge," Rita looked down at Jessica's Pikachu.
"Geo... dude," (I... give.) Geodude murmured before fainting.
"Noooooooo!" the Hiker cried out to the sky, "Go, Onix!"
"Does the Hiker's party look familiar to you, Jessica?" Rita asked knowingly.
"Nope! Not at all!" Jessica chirped.
"I thought your memory span was five hours! It's only been four and a half hours!"
"Did I? It is?" Jessica asked confusedly.
"YES!... and yes!"
"Oh, well how should I know? I can't remember to keep track."
"Pika Chu Pi, Pikachu Chu," (Even if she did, she wouldn't remember.) said Purge.
"Exactly!"
Rita cocked her brow, "You know I can't understand your Pikachu, right?"
Jessica shook her head slowly.
"Why even bother asking?"
"Pi Pi Pika?" (When will you learn?)
"Ooar!" (Howdy!) the Onix roared.
"Howdy, pawdner!" chorused a group of confused people with fake southern accents and dressed in cowboy clothing. They marched into a giant wooden wood duck and few to outer space.
"Bulbasaur, Bulba!" (Take this, Rocky!) Bazaar defeated the Onix with a single Vine Whip.
"Doggone it!" the Hiker withdrew his Onix, "You win."
"Hooray!" Jessica cried.
Then suddenly, Bazaar's bulb began to glow. Then his whole body glowed and grew. The bulging bulb burst open, revealing a flower bud sprouting out from new leaves.
"No! Bazaar is falling apart! Do something, Rita!" Jessica yelled frantically. Rita slapped her, "Ow."
"Bazaar isn't falling apart! He's evolving into an Ivysaur!"
"Pi," (Wow.) Purge gasped in awe as she witnessed another evolution.
"Ivysaur Ivy, Ivysaur Saur Ivysaur," (When we get to Rock Tunnel, I'm getting back to my reading.)
"Cool! Let's get going!" Jessica exclaimed and she began singing again.
"Ohhh! He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night, he works all day!
He eats his lunch, he cuts down trees!
He wears high heels, suspenders, and a bra!
He wish he had been a girly!
Just like his dear papa!"
"Ivysaur Saur," (Unwanted images.) Bazaar shivered.
"That was disturbing," Rita also shivered.
"Pika Pi Pika Pi Pikachu," (For a minute I thought my ears were bleeding.)
When Jessica was about to sing the Lumberjack song again, Bazaar somehow got himself inside his Poke'ball while Purge knocked out her trainer by hitting her in the head with a bag of hot dog buns and Rita dragged her to the Poke'mon Center outside of Rock Tunnel.