Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Notes: You guys are so awesome. I am seriously in love with all of you! Special thanks to Bansheighe44, PhenioxGirl, Reefgirl, and MuseUrania for their contributions! They are responsible for Rules 167-170.
And I apologize for the shorter chapter and for the delay in posting. It would have been longer and posted sooner if someone didn't keep hacking into my account and cutting off my internet access. To whoever is hacking my account, I will kill you if you don't knock it off.
Rodney stared. John stared. Teyla stared. Ronon stared. Then they stared at each. They knew what the next Rule was going to be.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Five: Do not bite the Wraith.
The Wraith had appeared on the planet SGA-11 had gated to. One of the Wraith had been about to feed on Lieutenant Banner's life. He bite the Wraith instead. It gave his team the chance to kill the Wraith. Of course when SGA-11 arrived back in Atlantis, Lieutenant Banner was sick. This frightened everyone into thinking they were going to have another person turning into Wraith. Apparently Wraith blood gave people viral infections but it didn't act like the retrovirus. Lieutenant Banner was extremely happy to hear that.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Six: Giant spiders do not come back through the Gate with you.
A giant spider had chased SGA-13 off the planet they were on. Atlantis didn't get the shield up in time and it came through with them. It critically injured seven people before Shelob, as Lieutenant Anders dubbed it, met Fluffy. Fluffy won.
The rest of Atlantis was now very fond of Fluffy.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Seven: Don't give the natives nicknames before you've made friends.
A. Especially if the linguists don't know the language well.
SGA 7 had. Apparently, Hercules meant 'big, stupid animal' to the natives. Lieutenant Katsopolis had to be carried back to the gate by his teammates, once they rescued him from being beaten up.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Eight: Do not piss off the Chefs.
A. They will make your lives miserable.
B. Like serving Cauliflower cheese for a month.
Airman Reece insulted the Chefs. The Chefs took it out on all of Atlantis. The rest of Atlantis was not happy and forced Airman Reece to apologize.
Rule One Hundred Sixty-Nine: No more referring to Colonel Sheppard as Captain Kirk, Kirk of Atlantis or Kirk-o-Pegasus.
A. Or describing his actions toward women as "Kirking it up."
B. Especially in reference to the incident with Pheobus and Thalan.
C. Not only will you piss him off, you'll have to deal with Doctor Weir.
John was getting a little tired and annoyed by the Kirk comments. Elizabeth wasn't happy with the references to Thalan and Pheobus. Everyone else decided it would be a good idea to never mention it again.
Rule One Hundred Seventy: The bigger the BOOM, the bigger the mess you'll have to clean up.
SGA-1 discovered this one ages ago thanks to a certain Lieutenant Colonel.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-One: Check to see if the television is plugged in before panicking.
SGA-15 had been having their Team Movie Night and hadn't been able to turn on the television. They panicked. Everyone else panicked thinking that the only television in Atlantis was broken. Rodney was the one who discovered that it just hadn't been plugged in.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Two: Do not build Lightsabers.
The Science Department had. The soldiers then wanted some. Obviously it hadn't ended well. Carson twitched whenever someone mentioned Star Wars near him.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Three: If you don't know what it does, do not touch it.
Doctor Richards hadn't known what the device did. He touched it anyway. The device turned the women bright pink, the men dark blue and turned Atlantis bright yellow with green polka dots. No one was happy.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Four: Skiing Off-World is not allowed.
SGA-3 had taught the people of NAE456 how to ski. The people then had ski competitions that started a war. Elizabeth had been most unhappy.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Five: The Valsurions are never to be given weapons.
A. The only exception is if the Wraith attack.
B. We mean it people
The Valsurions may be one of Atlantis' allies but they were trigger happy and insane. They also had a very strange sense of humor to top it off.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Six: It is better to be safe than sorry.
No one had thought it strange when some of the Athosian children started talking to someone only they could see. Everyone just assumed it was an Imaginary Friend. It turned out that their 'Imaginary Friend' was really another Ancient experiment gone wrong and had been feeding off the children's energy. Atlantis had been able to save the kids and the soldiers started searching the city for anymore experiments.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Seven: The best ideas come right before impending death.
A. However we recommend that you get inspiration before then.
B. Last minute saves are great causes for heart attacks.
SGA-1 was known for this and for causing several near heart attacks. They were very apologetic about it though.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Eight: If you are going to use code words, make sure your team understands the code words first.
Captain Ryans had discovered that the natives were hostile when they took him hostage. He attempted to make that clear to his team without alerting the natives what had happened and that the natives planned to sacrifice them and that his team should go get help. His team had no clue what he was saying. It took a while for them to catch on.
Rule One Hundred Seventy-Nine: Do not chase your team members down hallways crying "Don't you want a hug?"
A. Especially if you're Off-World.
SGA-4 had struck again. Everyone else was beginning to wonder about their sanity.
Rule One Hundred Eighty: Harmonicas are not to be taken Off-World.
SGA-13 somehow got harmonicas. To say the natives didn't like harmonicas was an understatement. Elizabeth swore she was going to have a long talk with Caldwell about the things his crew was buying for the Atlantis personal.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-One: The more unconventional the plan is, the better it will work.
Every single SGA team knew this. Every SG team knew it too.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Two: Slingshots are not to be brought Off-World.
Everyone was surprised that it was the fault of SGA-12. They were usually well behaved.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Three: Listen when people shout 'Duck!'
Doctor Molane had thought Lieutenant Katsopolis was talking about an actual duck. SGA-5 was not the only team that needed to talk about each person's meaning of certain words.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Four: Do not befriend creepy natives.
The people of NBA579 might be useful allies but they were extremely creepy. Someone mentioned that they reminded her of the natives from Peter Jackson's King Kong. No one argued. SGA-6, of course, befriended them. Coincidentally they were the only team ever sent to NBA579.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Five: Earth has questionable establishments. Do not mention them.
A. Strip Clubs are on the list.
B. So is Ancient Rome.
C. Use common sense.
No one knew what motivated SGA-10 into explaining strip clubs, Ancient Rome or the first two World Wars to the people of NBE689 but no one was pleased about it.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Six: Do not play with dynamite.
SGA-11, dynamite and caves. It was a combination that was just asking for trouble.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Seven: Do not dye your teammates different colors Off-World.
SGA-8 had been on a world where apparently a person that was green meant they had a disease. Doctor Ford was still upset with her teammates.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Eight: The Medical Staff knows what is good for you.
A. For the sake of your health, listen to them.
B. Do we really need to keep repeating this?
Wisely, no one pointed out that it was SGA-1 that was the hardest to keep in the Infirmary.
Rule One Hundred Eighty-Nine: When Off-World, do not follow your tour guide around asking "Why?"
A. Knock it off SGA-4.
SGA-4 was the second team that had to suffer through the anthropologists lectures about how to interact with people. SGA-13 laughed at them. SGA-13 was happy that another team had to suffer through the lectures too.
Rule One Hundred Ninety: Grenades are not toys.
A. Do not play catch with them.
SGA-14 had the brilliant idea to play catch with their grenades. SGA-14 and grenades. Oh shit had been the term best used to describe the incident
Rule One Hundred Ninety-One: The song "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" is not to be sung Off-World either.
SGA-9 had either been on drugs or had been high on caffeine. Needless to say that the locals had been a little freaked out when the four of them came skipping through the Gate singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Two: Monty Pylon is not to be quoted Off-World.
SGA-16 had been arrested. In an attempt to annoy their captors into letting them go they had sung the "Lumberjack Song" at the top of their lungs. It worked. The locals begged Atlantis to take them away.
SGA-16 had been very smug.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Three: People, use common sense.
The device had warning on it. SGA-14 touched it anyway. Carson said that their hair would grow back in two more days but he had no clue how to turn them back into people. Rodney and the rest of the Science Department were working on it. SGA-2 was trying to make sure that Fluffy didn't eat the now bunny versions of SGA-14.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Four: Team bonding is not to include pranking the new recruits.
SGA-15 had decided they needed to do some team bonding. The new recruits had not been happy to wake up to find that their quarters were now filled with shaving cream. Everyone else finally figured out why SGA-15 had been going around humming the theme song to Mission Impossible.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Five: Just because they did it in the movies, it doesn't mean you have to do it.
A. Pay attention Science Department.
The Science Department had built a shrink ray. It went off right when John, Ronon, Teyla and Caldwell had entered the Labs. Rodney had been furious. The four who got shrunk weren't very happy either.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Six: Our motto is not "Something weird is going on."
A. Officially at lest.
B. Do not make shirts with the motto on it. Plausible denial people.
For some reason Stargate Command didn't like Atlantis' motto. So officially it wasn't.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Seven: According to Doctor Beckett, paper cuts are not medical emergencies.
Atlantis personal was apparently capable of handling anything but paper cuts.
Elizabeth and Carson were not amused by that little detail.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Eight: Do not pass notes during a briefing.
A. Doctor Weir will not be happy.
B. Neither will Colonel Caldwell.
SGA-1 had been very very bored. Elizabeth and Caldwell kept saying they had the maturity of seven year olds.
Rule One Hundred Ninety-Nine: Pointing at one another and shouting "It's his fault!" will not get you out of trouble.
A. It will, in fact, get you into more trouble.
Atlantis was seriously beginning to consider the possibility that John and Rodney were really siblings.
Rule Two Hundred: Playdoh is to be kept on Atlantis.
SGA-10 took playdoh Off-World with them. Some kid ate some of it. The parents had not been happy.
The alarm suddenly blared through Atlantis. John and Rodney exchanged looks and dashed out with Ronon and Teyla on their heels.