Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Notes: I am so sorry that this is so late. My internet decided it didn't want to work for me for the past two weeks. The next chapter should be up a lot quicker than this one was. Again I'm really sorry.
And special thanks to Bansheighe44, GaurdianAngelLisa, Belisse, AKAArzosah, prue, and Errant of the Violet Shockers for their contributions. Basically Rules 201-208. And 210.
It was amazing how many things could go wrong in such a short amount of time. All of Atlantis was bruised, sore and in horrible moods. The Medical Department was the most upset. However, the Science Department was a close second. They were unhappy and complaining that they now had a shortage of supplies. Luckily the Daedalus would be arriving soon and they would stop complaining.
Of course SGA-1 wasn't happy. Neither was Elizabeth. SGA-1, however, was in a position to take it out on everyone else.
Rule Two Hundred One: Do not leave your backpacks unattended to Off-World.
SGA-5 had been Off-World and Doctor Allen had left her backpack leaning against the wall of the temple. Unfortunately for Atlantis a monkey like creature decided to use it as a bed. It was only when Doctor Allen opened her backpack back on Atlantis did anyone realized what had happened.
The injuries either came from the monkey or jumping out of the way as Fluffy attacked. Fluffy got lunch and Doctor Allen was very apologetic. The Science Department was still mad at her. The monkey got into the Labs.
Rule Two Hundred Two: What goes around comes around and bites you back with vengeance.
It happened literally to Rodney. He was mean to a little kid and the kid's older sibling bit him. The parents were mortified. John, Ronon and Teyla couldn't stop laughing for hours.
Rule Two Hundred Three: Do not mix labels.
A. There are people with allergies.
Doctor Richardson was allergic to pollen. There was a mix up with the labeling system and he was in the Infirmary for five days, covered in hives. He was extremely unhappy.
Rule Two Hundred Four: Many animals can understand your tone of voice. Do not be patronizing.
A. This includes large felines with sharp pointy claws.
Airman Reece was trying very hard to avoid the very angry 'cutey puddy tat'. 90 of Atlantis' personnel were making this hard by trying to get him into the same room with Fluffy.
Rule Two Hundred Five: Male personal are not to go AWOL on planets with male-worshipping Amazon Women unless their lives are threatened.
A. THAT is not life threatening. You know what we mean boys.
B. Similarly, women are not to pronounce the male members of their team 'slaves' because it seems to be the 'in thing' on a particular planet.
Teyla and Doctor Weir had decided on this rule. Three fifths of SGA-8 requested amendment B.
Rule Two Hundred Six: Do not repeat any mishaps by SGA teams (especially SGA-1) in the presence of Colonel Caldwell.
A. Remember people, sometimes my stories differ from the 'official' truth.
Apparently SGA-1 hadn't wanted Earth to know what actually happened on NCS4576. Colonel Caldwell learned the truth due to the gossip on Atlantis. He wasn't happy with SGA-1.
Rule Two Hundred Seven: Haggis is disgusting. Do not talk the Chefs into making them.
A. We promise to not get injured on our next mission, Carson.
Carson somehow talked the Chefs into making Haggis. In retaliation the rest of Atlantis refused to eat anything but candy bars for three days. Eventually a truce was settled. Sort of.
Rule Two Hundred Eight: The ATA carriers are not to be treated as lab rats.
A. There are other ATA carriers people. You don't all need my help.
John was getting cranky. He didn't mind if it was Rodney and Radek or if it was an emergency but he did mind the fact that no one but him was playing lab rat.
Rule Two Hundred Nine: Do not get tattoos Off-World.
SGA-1 now had matching tattoos. They thought that their tattoos were pretty cool, especially since it kept the natives from chopping off SGA-1's heads. Well, Rodney liked the tattoo after he stopped panicking about getting an alien version of AIDS.
Carson, however, freaked out. SGA-1 was currently sulking in the Infirmary.
Rule Two Hundred Ten: Cigarettes are not to be taken Off-World.
Sergeants Yang and Sawyer of SGA-6 were smokers. They lit up Off-World. Bad idea was the short summary. The somewhat longer one involved explaining how cigarettes led to nearly being sacrificed to a Volcano God and how the Civil War began on that planet.
Rule Two Hundred Eleven: Fine is not an acceptable word.
SGA-1 tended to use 'fine' when they had a small cut and when they were bleeding to death. For some reason the Medical Department began to despair hearing that word from them.
Rule Two Hundred Twelve: When vacationing with your friends, make sure it's not too long a vacation.
After a mission gone horribly wrong, SGA-10 had decided to spend a couple of weeks on Earth together. They spent six days together then had to go their separate ways to avoid killing one another.
On the other hand, they lasted longer than the betting pool had thought they would.
Rule Two Hundred Thirteen: Do not gossip in your mission reports.
SGA-5 had no shame. They also caused the mental breakdowns of several people back on Earth. They apparently did not want to know the gossip of Atlantis. Or it might have been the fact that SGA-5 had decided to explain the gossip pertaining to certain people's sex lives.
Rule Two Hundred Fourteen: Life is full of unexpected surprises.
SGA-7 had certainly not expected to walk out of the Gate and have a four month year old child thrust into Sergeant Adams' arms. They then didn't expect for the natives to refuse to take the child back. SGA-7 was now the proud parents of Baby Lisa.
Rule Two Hundred Fifteen: There is no Rule Two Hundred Fifteen.
SGA-1 quietly went into hiding. The rest of Atlantis quietly made plans to hunt them down.
Rule Two Hundred Sixteen: Do not give away the jelly donuts.
Oh there had been hell to pay when the rest of Atlantis discovered that SGA-13 had given away the last of the jelly donuts to the natives. It didn't matter that SGA-13 would have died if they hadn't. The jelly donuts had been the last donuts on Atlantis.
Rule Two Hundred Seventeen: Leave the giant mutant jelly fish alone.
A giant jelly fish like creature had taken up residence in the ocean around Atlantis. The Marine Biologists had adopted it with a fervor that unnerved everyone else. Fluffy also befriended it. That worried people.
The other day, some of the other scientists had been bored and started teasing the giant mutant jelly fish though. Everyone then learned that the giant mutant jelly fish, nicknamed Squishy, could fly. And that Squishy did not like to be teased.
Atlantis proceeded to go into lock down. Squishy was calmed down by offerings of pie.
Rule Two Hundred Eighteen: Do not attack people with sporks.
Doctor Yand insulted Doctor Flennin so she attacked him with a spork. Everyone else swore that they were never looking at sporks the same way again.
Rule Two Hundred Nineteen: Do not make shadow puppets Off-World.
Cadman was very good at shadow puppets and actually made a pretty good Wraith shadow puppet. Unfortunately the natives of NDC4567 were not nearlyas impressed as everyone back on Atlantis had been.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty: The Sewing Club is not allowed to attack people with their needles.
A. It doesn't matter what they said, you can't do it.
Atlantis had a Sewing Club. Then again it wasn't as if Atlantis personal could send their clothes off to be fixed anywhere else if said clothes were ripped or torn. It didn't mean that people didn't tease the members of the Sewing Club though.
The Sewing Club, however, was very good at getting revenge.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-One: Do not paint the Daedalus.
A. Do it again and Colonel Caldwell will kill you.
B. Do you people want the Daedalus to stop bringing us nice things?
Someone had painted the Daedalus, the night before it departed back for Earth, a shocking bright pink. To say that Caldwell and the Daedalus crew were furious was the greatest understatement in human history.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Two: If you are going to wander about Atlantis, stay in radio contact.
SGA-10 had decided to explore Atlantis some more on their latest free day. They got lost. SGA-1 and 2 had to go find them.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Three: Be mindful of little children.
The children of NDF1458 still wanted to know why they couldn't say fuck or damnit. SGA-6 was also not allowed back on the planet.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Four: Play nice with one another.
Elizabeth insisted on that Rule.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Five: All American personal are not allowed to use the word 'Dude' after every four words.
A. You win.
The Americans had decided to strike back after the other nations teamed up and insulted them. The word 'dude' was now the bane of every other nationality on Atlantis.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Six: Nothing is simple in this Galaxy.
It didn't mean that the SGA teams wouldn't like things to be simple. Just, unfortunately, that it never was.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Seven: Do not take fireworks Off-World.
SGA-6 had given the King Kong natives of NBA579 fireworks. The natives of NBA579 and SGA-6 then got lectures on how to prevent forest fires.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Eight: Disney songs are not to be sung Off-World.
SGA-12 had taken to singing songs from Disney movies. Some cultures liked them and now wanted to see the movies. Other cultures didn't.
Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Nine: Color contacts are to be normal colors.
Lieutenant Smith had thought it would be cool to have red eyes. The natives of the planet SGA-5 had gated to had a different opinion of red eyes.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty: Do not give children paint then walk away!
A. Supervise people!
B. You will clean up the aftermath if you don't.
Atlantis was horrible at baby-sitting the Athosian children.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-One: Roller blading down hallways is not allowed.
A. Neither is riding a bicycle.
B. Do not skateboard down stairs either.
C. Not even if Colonel Sheppard does it.
The Atlantis personal had very little common sense. John especially.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Two: Pop songs are not to be played over the speakers.
A. No one likes them.
B. Do it again and we'll sic Ronon and Fluffy on you.
A couple of the scientists resorted to playing Brittany Spears and Mariah Carey over the Atlantis communication system to get their way. SGA-1 and 2 resorted to the unholy alliance Ronon and Fluffy had formed to win.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Three: Furbies stay on Atlantis.
Doctor Biro had thought it would be funny if she put a Furby in Doctor Flagg's backpack. She hadn't known that SGA-16 was going Off-World that day. Needless to say, the locals had been freaked out by the Furby of Doom.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Four: Do not destroy property Off-World.
Elizabeth was very annoyed with the amount of property damage the SGA teams tended to cause. Everyone else thought that it was the fault of SGA-14 and their pyro ways.
SGA-14 responded by saying they hadn't meant to blow up that city; it just kinda happened.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Five: Do not spread the Superman myth to other planets.
SGA-15 had gotten into a discussion about Superman Off-World. Atlantis thus became responsible for creating a total of forty-two religions in a little over two years.
"You know," John said thoughtfully as he leaned over Rodney's shoulder to get a better look at the screen, "the new Superman movie is opening on Earth in a few weeks."
"I know," Rodney rolled his eyes. The Science Department was dived into two warring fractions: one supported X-Men: The Last Stand and the other supported Superman Returns.
Ronon looked thoughtful. "Can we get the pirated version?" Ronon and Teyla had learned about pirated movies very quickly. That was because most of Atlantis's collection was pirated.
John looked thoughtful. So did Rodney. Teyla just sighed.