Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Aragorn's Bath Day

"Eee, hee!" shrieked Aragorn girlishly, prancing about like an overpaid government worker in Arwen's pink tutu.

Legolas was in hot pursuit and gaining fast on the unhinged man. Aragorn scrambled through a cornfield and ran under the deck of an old log cabin. Suddenly, he smelled a rat.

"P.U.!" said Aragorn, holding his nose as he backed out from under the deck. Legolas was waiting patiently and caught him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his tutu.

"Give me back Arwen's tutu!" he panted angrily. "Or else…"

"Or else what?" asked Aragorn in mockery.

"Or else I'll stick you so full of arrows you'll make a pincushion look bad!" answered Legolas, unfeelingly.

"Eeek!" said Aragorn. "I felt a rain drop. Hurry, run for your life!"

The others heard Aragorn shrieking and ran to see what the commotion was. Aragorn streaked over the hill, waving his arms frantically.

"Why does Éowyn like him?" asked Théoden in wonder. "He is such a sissy!"

"Yeah," said Elrond. "Same with Arwen. We should play a nasty, cruel trick on him."

"But what?" asked Gimli.

"I know!" said Legolas. They schemed for hours until the next morning came, when they could put their evil, evil, plan into effect.

————————————

"AHHHH!" screamed Aragorn. "My hair! Where's my hair!"

"In here," said Gimli, pointing to his mouth. "And boy was it tasty!"

"Eeeeee!" shrieked Aragorn. "Daddy! Where's my daddy?"

"I'm right here!" said Elrond. "I told Gimli to do it."

"Eeyaaahhh!" screamed the smelly man. "You're all against me!"

"Yep," said Legolas, coming into the tent. "That's right. By the way, you have something on your face. It looks like…a spider! Spider! Yeee! I hate spiders! Get away, get away!"

"Ah, shut up!" said Arwen. "I'm sick and tired of smelling Aragorn. Let's give him a bath!"

"A B-B-BATH!" Aragorn squeaked. "You're not serious! I'll melt!"

"Well," said Arwen, "you're still taking a bath."

"Get away! AHHHHH!" shrieked Aragorn, running out the door.

"After him!" ordered Arwen and Elrond at the same time. The entire Rohirrim and Elvish armies raced after him down the stairs.

"He is such a girly-girl," said Arwen. "I love—"

"Spider! Yeeee!" screamed Legolas. "Help! I need help! Save me!"

Meanwhile, the armies were still after Aragorn, who was running for his life.

"AHHH!" he shrieked as he tripped and rolled down the rest of the stairs and stood up, preparing to run for it.

"Come back here!" called Arwen. "Or I won't marry you!"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

"Thank-you," said Arwen. Turning to the elvish soldiers around her, she said, "You know what to do." They nodded and stepped forward immediately.

Aragorn's eyes widened with fear. "Daddy!"

The guards grabbed him and dragged him away.

"All right," said Erestor, "into the showers with him." Away they took him to the camp bathroom.

"No, please," begged Aragorn once they were inside. "I'm too young to die!"

They paid no attention to him but simply peeled off his crusty clothes and tossed him in the shower.

"Yow!" cried Aragorn. "Cold! I'm melting!"

"I cannot believe you are in love with him," said Elrond. "He is such a freak!"

"I know," agreed Arwen. "I love him."

"Gimli," said Elrond, turning to the dwarf, "I demand you either spit the hair out or swallow it. I am becoming wearied of hearing your endless chewing!"

"Poo—" Gimli spat. "There, you can have it. It was starting to taste like doo-doo anyway."

After the guards did a full inspection to make sure Aragorn was really clean, they released him and he came sprinting out of the bathroom. Seeing his hair lying in a spit-covered pile on the ground, he picked it up and plopped it back onto his head.

Finis