LotR: Gone Rum

by Tom Bombadilo

Basically, it's a collection of nutso stories concerning everyone's favorite people from Lord of the Rings.

8. The Monkeys of Moria

Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—the Monkeys of Moria

The Fellowship of the Ring was journeying through the Mines of Moria when suddenly the Monkeys of Moria confronted them.

"Eeeahooo!" shrieked a large-eyed monkey.

"Does anyone have a banana?" asked Aragorn.

"I do!" said Sam.

"Me too!" agreed Boromir.

"As do I!" said Legolas, searching through a pocket for the banana. "I never leave home without it!"

"Fool of a Fellowship!" admonished Gandalf. "This is not the time to eat!"

"Not for me, O sagacious one," protested Aragorn. "For the monkeys! We can throw them at them and maybe they'll go away."

The Fellowship lobbed the rather aged plantains at the apes. For several minutes, the monkeys simply stared. Then, without warning, the seven-foot tall apes, weighing in at approximately 2,500 pounds each, stepped forward, squashing the bananas underfoot.

"Oh, dear," sighed Aragorn. "That obviously did not work."

"WAAAAAH!" sobbed Legolas. "My poor banana! It was just an innocent bystander! The murderers!"

"I'll lure them away!" offered Gandalf.

"A diversion," wept Legolas, brushing away the tears.

Gandalf ran forward. "Look at the giant banana!" he said, transforming himself into massive banana. He hopped forward to within a few inches of the largest monkey. He turned around for a moment and whispered, "Run away."

The Fellowship took off sprinting. The monkeys gave chase, hooting and hollering as they came. The Fellowship ran in one direction and the giant banana hopped in another direction. The monkeys were uncertain of whom they should chase. They hesitated for a moment and then decided on chasing the banana.

"AHHHHHHHH!" shrieked the huge banana as it hopped quickly away, the monkeys in hot pursuit. They had nearly caught him, when Gandalf, who could not see where he was going, fell down a deep chasm. The monkeys were so stupid that they all jumped in after him.

Thus, the Fellowship of the Ring was saved from death by Gandalf the Gr—erm…Banana. That is what really happened. All that stuff about a Balrog…Gee, give me a break!

Finis