LotR: Gone Rum—Legolas' Contacts

One day in the Dead Marshes, the Fellowship was duck hunting.

"Do you see anything?" asked Gimli.

"No," replied Legolas, shading his eyes with a hand.

"Well, that's easy to fix!" chided Gimli. "Your contact lenses fell into the swamp over there."

Legolas dived into the slimy, smelly, grotesque, green swamp.

(5 minutes later)

"Any minute now!" said Aragorn.

"Ah, I've got them!" shouted Legolas, springing up out of the swamp.

"What?" cried the others, taken aback, "That's a boot!"

"Huh?" said Legolas, staring at it.

All of a sudden, he felt something squirming in his pocket. He reached in and pulled out a handful of worms, which surprisingly looked like Wormtongue.

"Worms!" cried Legolas, "Why'd it have to be worms?" Then, Gimli and Gandalf came over and ate them. Sméagol's leg suddenly appeared out of nowhere and was floating in the air. Then, it grabbed the last worm and cursed at Gimli and Gandalf for eating the rest. After this, it vanished.

"Ok," said everyone. "THAT was…interesting." Then, Legolas, looking back at the camp, yelled to the hobbits: "Stop playing with the swords!"

"But, we aren't! We were playing tennis!" they replied.

Pippin grabbed a rock and struck it with the sword. The rock went flying through the air, smacking Gimli in the head.

"Ow!" said Gimli, falling into the swamp with a loud SPLASH! The Fellowship gathered around to see if anything could be done, but all they saw were some air bubbles where they thought Gimli had disappeared under the surface.

"Any minute now…any min—" said Aragorn once more.

"Would you stop saying that!" yelled Gandalf in a fury. "Somebody please dive in and save the miserable little dwarf!"
No one moved. In a last attempt to save Gimli, Gandalf yelled: "Legolas, he had your contacts with him all the time!"

Legolas immediately dove in after him. A few minutes later, the elf emerged with Gimli in his arms. Legolas' wig had partially slipped off, revealing short, greasy brown hair.

"Give me my contacts!" demanded Legolas immediately, ragged breath tearing angrily from his throat. Gimli, who had a large swamp fish in his teeth, took an ample bite out of it and grasped it in his hand.

"I decided to catch myself some dinner while I was down there," he explained casually. "I only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet!" Gimli bit down into the big, fat, slimy, smelly, fish. Then, Legolas grabbed him by the beard and swung him around, demanding: "Give me my contacts!"

"These contacts?" Merry inquired, holding up a pair of contacts. Legolas, distracted by the hobbit, let go of the dwarf, who went flying into the swamp…AGAIN!

BLUB…BLUB…BLUB

At that moment, Sméagol's leg appeared again with the other leg. They soon began charging towards the Fellowship angrily.

"Ahhhhhh!" shrieked Gandalf, who was now being trampled by one of the legs.

Merry took advantage of this to climb the only tree around for miles. The legs trampled everyone, except Merry, then ran to the base of the tree and began trying to climb it. When they found that they couldn't, they cursed irately again and vanished.

"Phew," said Merry. "That was a CLOSE one." Then, he fell out of the tree and into the swamp.

Finis