LotR: Gone Rum (Ill News is an Ill Guest!)

"Ill news is an ill guest," sneered Grima Wormtongue, leering at the three strangely clad visitors with dark, heavily-lidded eyes. Gandalf confronted him about it at once.

"Be silent!" he barked. "Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth! I have not passed through fire and death to bandy wicked words with a witless worm!" He brandished his staff convincingly. Grima's eyes widened.

"His staff!" he cried angrily. "I told you to take the wizard's staff!" Instantly, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli were rushed by a group of soldiers, intent on disarming Gandalf.

"We have no weapons!" cried Gimli. "What to do?" Legolas laughed evilly.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! They thought they took ALL of our weapons. But-" He pulled out a duo of razor sharp toothpicks. "-what they didn't find were these!" Laughing very smugly, he rushed forward and began poking off the attackers. He fought like mad…until one of them broke.

"NOOOOOOOO!" he yelled. "These are my favorite elvish toothpicks! How DARE they break! That sort of quality is unacceptable. This is high treason to the crown of Mirkwood." The assailants drew back, staring at Legolas in wonder. Gimli was squashing Grima.

"I would hold still if I were you," he said. "And if I were you…well, we won't go there." Legolas dropped the toothpicks.

"You know what they say," he sighed. "'When one plan fails there's another to replace it.' I'd say it's time for some Elf Kung Fu! Hiyah!" He did a forceful front hand spring towards the guards, knocking two over with a powerful kick. Then, he began doing karate chops, dropping three more guards easily. There was only one left. The man brandished his sword convincingly. Legolas thought a moment.

"Hm…" he said. "This is going to take some serious wit. Ah, I've got it!" He walked over to the guard and said:

"I need to ask you a few questions."

"Certainly," replied the guard. "Proceed." Legolas pulled a microphone out of his pocket and leaned forward as if to ask a question, then suddenly sprayed the guard in the face with the microphone, which was really a water pistol.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" yelled the guard, in a fury. "You're a jerk…jerk…jerk!" Then, he went and tried to sue Legolas for 1,000,000 gold coins. But, thinking quickly, Legolas heated up a copper coin until it glowed, then branded the guard on the forehead, giving him amnesia. Shocked, every guard in the Golden Hall began charging towards them angrily.

Aragorn felt it time for desperate measures, so he pulled out a spray can and distributed the contents into the air. A large wave of green, hazy laughing gas hit everyone in the room, throwing them to the ground. They all began laughing like stinky ol' men and rolling on the floor like worms.

Wormtongue, who had eluded Gimli once the laughing gas hit, started neighing and prancing around on all floors like a pretty pink or purple pony.

"AHHHH!" yelled Gimli. "They have all gone mad!" Without warning, all of the guards began hitting each other over the head with hammers and then crying like little babies. After this was over, and much to the amusement of Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, the guards started painting their fingernails with white-out and markers. The white-out spilled on Hama's foot. He was so mad, he ran out and married Eowyn. Then Faramir got mad and stole Arwen, and then Aragorn got mad and stole Galadriel, and then Celeborn got mad and stole Rosie Cotton, and then Sam got mad and tried to blow up Middle-earth with cruise missiles, but was stopped by security.

Meanwhile, back in Rohan:

"Has everyone gone MAD!" yelled Gandalf. He raised his staff high above his head, and then slammed it to the ground. A large explosion transformed everyone into Marshwiggles. Gandalf then realized that he had not only turned the guards into Marshwiggles, but the townspeople and the Fellowship too. He couldn't tell them apart.

Oh, how delightful!" laughed Gandalf. He was quite pleased with his cunning idea. Two Marshwiggles came and addressed him:

"Good-day, Gandalf! Though when we say 'good' we don't mean it can't turn to rain."

"My name is Theóglum!" said one. "Though you're sure to forget it. Not to worry. I can always tell you again."

"And I am Araglum," said the other, "I live in Ettinsmoor in a Wigwam…if it hasn't been destroyed by floods or fire…or dragons…or bombed by savage owls…or hit by a meteor…or sunk into the ocean, I shouldn't wonder!"

Gandalf blinked in annoyance.

"And I am Gimglum, king of the rock, and there's nothing you girls can do about it!" Gandalf blinked again, and then turned Gimglum into a puddle.

"Gimglum, I officially dub thee Puddleglum!" laughed the wizard. After a few more hours of amusement, Gandalf decided that he had had quite enough of the Marshwiggles' pessimism. So he changed them back.

That night, Aragorn was having a horrible dream. He was running down a dirt road and kept hearing an orc yelling in a stinky voice: "Defend the towers!" Suddenly, he woke up with a start, drawing his Elven dagger.

"Sir?" said a guard.

"What?" replied Aragorn.

"We're under attack! Defend the towers!"

"AHHHHH!" shrieked Aragorn, throwing the dagger at the guard. It whizzed over his head, giving him a monk-do.

"That's okay," said the guard. "It was only a wig anyway." He sharply pulled it off and produced a spare out of his pocket.

At that moment, Merry walked in and saw the guard without his wig on.

"It's…it's…Locke! AHHHHHHH!" He turned around and fled as fast as his legs could carry him.

"What? What did he say? Did he call me a frog? I'm not a frog!" said the guard indignantly.

Just then, Aragorn crawled down into his sleeping bag and rolled off the bed. He then proceeded to worm his way across the floor, towards the guard.

"He, he! Evil worm!" Aragorn cackled crazily. He then began chasing the guard like a deranged worm. He chased him all the way to Gondor, where he wormed into Denethor.

The steward looked VERY perturbed. He asked the guard who was in the sleeping bag.

"Aragorn of the Dunedain," he replied.

"Oh, in that case…" said Denethor, almost looking relieved. He pulled out a gas can and some matches, and then skillfully lit Aragorn on fire.

"Ooo…pretty!" said Denethor, who just happened to be a pyromaniac. Then, Aragorn reared up like a horse, knocking Denethor face first into a trash can. Aragorn ripped off the flaming sleeping bag and threw it on top of the steward. Denethor got up in flames and dashed away. Aragorn then noticed a pillow at his side. He put it over his head and began crawling on the ground like Sméagol.

Without prior notice, Elrond appeared in front of him.

"And just WHAT do you think you are doing?" he asked reprovingly, tapping his foot.

"Well…" thought Aragorn. "I've been to the Island Where Dreams Come True! Not Dreams or wishes…NIGHTMARES!"

(Insert loud horror music)

"What? Are you insane?"

"No. I'll tell you what happened. As soon as I arrived, I remembered a nightmare I had had once. Suddenly, I was being swarmed by Orcs yelling: 'Defend the towers!' It was horrible!"

"That is…very…interesting," commented Elrond, rolling his eyes. "But, if you'll excuse me, there's a steward with a flaming trash can on his head running around over there and I think he may need some help."

Finis