Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—of Bonfires and Banana Peels
Froggy, Rilian, & Sulky; 2006
One day, Legolas decided to visit Rivendell. When he arrived, however, he realized that there was absolutely nothing to do. All Elrond wanted to do was read dull, dog-eared tomes about the history of Numenór, and all Arwen wanted to do was lounge around writing mushy love letters to Aragorn. Therefore, Legolas built a huge bonfire in the middle of Elrond's bedroom and did an Indian war dance around said bonfire.
"What are you doing, Legolas?" asked Glorfindel, as he entered the room.
Legolas stopped dancing and turned to regard him. "My name not Legolas, it Tecumseh, and I chief!" he replied. "You in chief's war-lodge!"
"No, in fact," said Elrond, entering at that moment, "your name is Numbskull. And you have lit a fire in my bedroom for the last time!"
He roared savagely, took up a chair, and broke it over the deranged elf's head.
"Ow!" Legolas said, as he slumped to the ground. Glorfindel and Erestor looked on in amusement as Lindir roasted a marshmallow in the flames (whilst he strummed his harp with the other hand, of course). Then, Elrond called for the firefighters to come extinguish the blaze. They did, due to Elrond's uncommon talent for always getting his way.
A few days later, Legolas was still in the infirmary, but was already plotting revenge.
"Let's see. All I need is a little help. Aha! I'll just call—no, he's too stupid. He'd ruin everything. Tar-Menel, why don't I have any smart friends? Then again, he is very gullible. Maybe it would pay off. Very well. Here goes nothing."
Legolas sent a finely written letter to Aragorn, which arrived the next day due to prodding on the part of the postmaster, who "accidentally" accepted an inducement.
Aragorn invited Gimli, who invited Frodo, who invited Sam, Merry, and Pippin, who in turn invited Gandalf, who invited Boromir. In the end, the entire Fellowship showed up at the gates of Rivendell. Legolas greeted them cordially, apprising them of his wicked scheme.
Later that day:
Elrond was strolling down the hall, toward the kitchens, when he was set upon by ruffians. Actually, they weren't ruffians, but that's the first thing Elrond thought when he saw scraggly Aragorn charging down the hall, laden with banana peels, four Hobbits in tow, loaded with much the same wares. They complacently smeared Elrond's face with banana peels, ignoring his creative shouts that ranged from, "Cease and desist," to "Out, you vile toads! Back to your pits!" They then smeared his fastidious hair with peels.
After they wove peels into Glorfindel's hair in a lattice-work design, they set a trap for Lindir, piling banana peels in the doorway of his room. Lindir pranced in, singing and strumming his harp—until he slipped out of the room on a moving landslide of peels that destroyed Rivendell, all the while being pelted with excess banana peels.
"Ha-ha!" Legolas cackled evilly, as he watched everyone in Rivendell simultaneously slipping on peels. "This was so much fun, I think we should try it in Gondor!"
Therefore, they went to Gondor, Minas Tirith to be exact. First, Gimli and Aragorn sprayed Denethor off the landing strip of Gondor with a hose of slimy banana water, soiling his luxurious rabbit fur coat.
"Argg…this is going to cost me big…," mumbled Denethor, as he flew—excuse me—"fell with style" into a conveniently waiting pile of pulverized bananas.
Subsequent to this rather joyous sight, the Fellowship attacked a very surprised Faramir, crowning him "Banana King" with a smashed peel. They then shoved a banana in his mouth.
"Have two bananas!" said Gimli, holding up three fingers.
"You know, there are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't," Aragorn pronounced jovially.
Just then, a furious Elrond and Lindir dumped a gargantuan bucket of pureed bananas on the Fellowship and Faramir.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Legolas, one of the few who were actually swimming their way out. Most everyone else was eating their way out.
Sam, Pippin, and Gimli made short work of the bananas. Soon, there was only one left.
"It's mine!" shouted Sam.
"No, it's mine!" growled Gimli.
They got into a heated boxing match, and Sam emerged victorious, clocking Gimli in the face with his frying pan. When he turned around to claim his belated prize, however, he found that Pippin had nonchalantly eaten it while he and Gimli were militarily engaged elsewhere.
Legolas and the others took a good hint and left early. Sam, unfortunately, was well-known for blowing up the world with cruise missiles whenever he was angry. Luckily, however, this time he was stopped by Middle-earth Peace Corps officials.
"No blowing up the world without a permit!" they scolded him.
Finis