He had no idea how late it was before he wandered down to his room. Still lost in his own head he was startled to suddenly realize someone was standing outside his room.

"Balsom?" he said, "What's going on? Where's Kayla?"

"Asleep," he said.

"Alone?" John asked in concern.

"She'll be fine," Rex said, "she's not a little girl. And I want to talk to you."

"Okay," John said opening the door to his room and motioning him inside, "about what?"

"Look it's no secret that I don't like you," he began.

"But you hide it so well," John said leaning against the back of the couch.

"You hurt my sister," he said, "over and over. And she let you. And I didn't like it but in the end it was her business. But I'll be damned before I watch you do the same thing to her daughter."

"She's my daughter too," he said softly.

"Which isn't her fault," Rex said, "and which doesn't give you the right to drag her down into your world of brooding and darkness."

"You think that's what I'm trying to do?" he asked.

"I don't know what you're trying to do," Rex shot back, beginning to pace back and forth, "I just know what you are doing. And her mother's not here to stop you and most of her mother's family's too caught up in their own drama to even notice what's happening to her, but I'm here and I'm not gonna let it happen."

"Thank you," John said and he could tell it caught him off guard, "I'm glad you've always been so involved in Kayla's life. You mean a lot to her and I think you've been good for her."

"Well someone had to step in," he said, clearly not sure how to respond.

"I think Natalie would be really glad to know that her brother was so close to her daughter," he continued, "but I don't think she'd want us at each other's throats like this."

Anger flashed back into Rex's eyes. "Don't pretend you know what Natalie would have wanted! You were out of her life a long time before she died. You weren't there. You weren't the one sitting by her bed that night, watching her struggle to force air into her lungs for hours before she just stopped. You weren't there! So don't lecture me about what Natalie would have wanted."

John stared at him in shock for a moment. "I didn't realize… I didn't know you were there when…"

"Of course I was there," Rex said closing his eyelids gently to keep the tears from spilling out, "where else would I have been?"

"I'm sorry," he stammered.

Rex looked him up and down. "You are sorry. Just don't let Kayla be the one to suffer for it." Without looking back or waiting for a response he walked out. "Meet us at the Palace at 10:00," he called over his shoulder as he slammed the door behind him.

John didn't even have to turn around to know she was standing behind him. "Like I said," she said softly, "anger issues."

"He's right," he said, "he was there for you in the end. I wasn't."

"That wasn't entirely your choice," she said.

"Is Natalie here?" he asked looking around, surprised that she wasn't downstairs to see Kayla off.

Viki looked at him uneasily. "She's resting."

"Can I go up and see her?" he asked.

Viki turned to Kayla and said, "Sweetheart why don't you take your things out to the car and your dad will catch up with you."

"Okay," Kayla said rolling her eyes at once again being sent from the room so the grown ups could talk.

"What's going on?" John asked when she was gone.

"I'm sorry John," she said, "I know this isn't easy on you."

"Don't worry about me," he said.

"I'm not," she assured him, "I'm only worried about my daughter and my granddaughter. But I'm sympathetic to you because I know you must be confused."

"I'm a little confused as to what we're talking about," he admitted.

The look in Viki's eyes was one of genuine sympathy as she said, "I know that before the cancer came back you and Natalie had been getting closer and I realize that she's been pushing you away lately."

"Avoiding me is really more accurate," he said.

"She's afraid that she's dying," Viki said bluntly, "and she's afraid of what that will do to you if the two of you get involved again." His immediate impulse was to shout that Natalie wasn't dying but he restrained himself and let her mother continue talking. "I know what it's like," she said, "I've been there myself. You get comfortable in remission and you feel like you've put it all behind you and all of a sudden you find out it's back. And you feel so out of control you start obsessing over the few things your life that you can control to make it easier on those around you."

"So you think she's avoiding me so that if she…" he couldn't say the words, "she thinks it'll be easier on me somehow." Viki nodded. "I'm not gonna let her do that," he said.

Viki sighed. "John, I know you care about her. I know you always have. But you're relationship has always been… turbulent to say the least. It's something that's going to help her make it through this."

"So you're telling me to stay away from her?" he asked.

"I'm asking you John," Viki pleaded, "because if she's worried about you and your relationship and how her illness is affecting you it's only going to sap the strength she needs to fight this. And believe me when I say she is going to need every ounce of strength she has."

"I shouldn't have listened," he said, "we were always stronger together than apart."

"And I was always more stubborn than you could handle," she said, "If you had kept after me I just would have pushed you away harder. And in the end it wouldn't have changed the outcome."

"Maybe not," he said flopping back on the couch, "but it would have-"

"What?" she asked when he cut himself off.

"I backed off hoping it would help keep you alive, and it didn't work," he said looking up at her, wishing he could feel her touch one last time and knowing it was impossible. "There is nothing in my life that I regret more than all the time I gave up that I could have spent with you."

She sat down on the arm of the couch. "I know. Because I have all the same regrets John. But what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life wrapped up in regrets from years ago? You can't do that. It'll kill you if you try and John you do deserve better than that. But if you can't believe that at least believe that Kayla deserves better. You're the only parent she has now."

"It should be you," he said.

"But it isn't," she groaned, "John you know what it's like to lose a parent. I know you don't want her to end up like you did—so full of anger and hurt that you couldn't feel anything else for years."

"How do I stop that from happening?" he asked desperately staring up at the ceiling.

"You make sure she knows that it's okay to love," she said, "but that it's okay to feel the other stuff too as long as she doesn't keep burying it all inside. Just talk to her John. You'll know what to say when the time comes."

He sat up on his elbows to argue, but she was gone again. Just like Natalie—she always made sure she got the last word.

As he approached the Palace entrance the next morning, a woman in a designer suit who had just left the building paused as he passed her and said, "John McBain? I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Evangeline Williamson?" he asked, staring at the woman in surprise.

She cleared her throat. "Evangeline Williamson-Bennett," she corrected him.

"That's right," he said shaking his head as if to clear his mind, "I remember hearing something about that."

"I sent you an invitation," she said with a taut smile, "you never responded. But it was ten years ago, I'm not surprised you don't remember."

He thought back ten years. No, he still couldn't remember the invitation, but then ten years ago he'd been right at the beginning of a crisis.

She called him at work. That was strange; she normally waited until evening and called him at home. His first reaction had been irritation—he was busy and she ought to know that, why was she bothering him now?

"Sorry to bother you," she said in a business-like tone devoid of the intimacy they'd once shared, "but I have a scheduling problem I need to take care of. I have an appointment on Thursday so I'm not going to be able to drop Kayla off like I promised."

"Can't you move the appointment?" he asked impatiently.

"No," she said firmly, "Look I can bring her on Friday or you can come and pick her up, whichever you'd prefer."

"Well either way it's a problem for me," he said, "I won't get off until after six on Thursday and then I'll have to drive all the way to Llanview, drive back…And Friday's not great either."

"I'm sorry," she reiterated, "I feel terrible doing this to you."

It didn't even occur to him that she meant it; it sounded like one of those throw away lines people use in such conversations. And he was irritated. She always held all the strings where Kayla was concerned and he was just supposed to accommodate last minute changes like this. So he snapped at her, "This appointment's that important?"

And that's when he heard it. The catch in her voice he hadn't picked up on before. She was on the brink of tears. "Yes, John, it is."

When she'd come to pick Kayla up on Sunday night he'd asked, "Appointment go okay?"

"Mm hm," she said sounding perfectly natural and blasé. "Listen, I hate to spring this on you on such short notice but I'm going to have to go out of town in two weeks. My mom can keep Kayla if she needs to but I was wondering if you'd like to take her. Spend a whole week with her."

She'd been so calm about it. Acted like it was no big deal. How could he have known it was the end of the world?

"So how's your little girl?" Evangeline asked, dragging him back to reality.

"Not so little any more," he said regretfully, "she's fifteen."

"Tough age," she said sympathetically. "Is she here? I'd love to meet her."

"She's with Rex," he said.

She hesitated, "I heard about Natalie. I was shocked, I mean she was so full of life, I never would have imagined…"

"She fought for a long time," he managed. He wondered if she thought he really wanted to talk about this. Why did everyone treat him like the grieving widower anyway? They'd been divorced for eight years when she died. And what gave her of all people the right to talk about Natalie?

"Anyway," she said, "I have to go; I have a meeting, the whole reason I'm in town."

"Where are you living these days?" he asked.

She stared at him in disbelief. "Um… Harrisburg." She studied his expression for a moment and said, "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" he asked.

"I'm the Commonwealth's Attorney," she said.

"I'm guessing you didn't remember to vote last November," Evangeline said in a scolding tone.

"I thought I did," he said. "I think I would have remembered your name on the ballot."

"Well I ran under Evangeline Bennett," she said tilting her head to the side, "apparently hyphens don't poll well."

"They poll on stuff like that?" he asked.

"They poll on everything," she groaned as she looked at her watch, "I really have to go, but it was good to see you."

"Yeah," he said.

"Stay in touch!" she called as she walked swiftly towards a waiting car. It occurred to him that they hadn't been in touch in years, but she probably hadn't meant for him to take the statement seriously. A career in politics had probably conditioned her to close every conversation like that.

Her portrait was the first thing he noticed when he walked in; he wasn't sure, but he suspected Cristian had painted it. She looked beautiful, if a bit stuffy wearing a suit with her hair pulled up. It might not have quite been the Natalie he fell in love with, but it was the Natalie who had run this place as long as she physically could.

The clerk at the front desk had told him she was in the bar. When he walked in he saw her and Michael holding hands across the bar, deep in conversation. They were speaking softly, it was impossible to hear what they were saying, but Natalie was biting her lip as though she were upset. 'It's none of your business,' he reminded himself, 'you don't get to be the one to comfort her anymore.'

"They sent me in here," he said announcing his presence.

Natalie looked up in surprise and quickly wiped her eyes. "John," she said forcing a smile, "Have a seat. Kayla's in my office; I'll go get her."

"Why do I feel like I'm interrupting something?" John asked his brother when she'd disappeared.

"Relax, John, it's just medical stuff.

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

Michael rolled his eyes. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it anyway. Natalie told me that you're keeping Kayla when she has the surgery. I understand her not wanting to tell her until we know more but-"

"What?" John asked, suddenly catching what Michael had said.

"She's gonna find out, John, she's a smart kid."

"Natalie told me she was going out of town for a week. What's she having surgery for?"

Michael looked uneasy. "You should ask her." Natalie reemerged from the back with Kayla.

"Daddy!" the five-year-old Kayla exclaimed, running up to him throwing her arms around his legs.

John greeted his daughter with a pat on the back before turning to her mother. "Natalie," he said, "What do you need surgery for?"

Natalie glanced at Michael then back to him. "Michael, can you help Kayla carry her bag out to the car? We'll catch up with you in a second."

"Sure," he said taking Kayla's bag.

"What's going on?" John asked when they were out of earshot, "You said you were going out of town."

"I haven't told anyone," she said, "not yet. Michael and Rex are the only ones who know. Well, and the doctor and her staff."

"Know what?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds," she said.

"Natalie," he said using the well practiced tone for when he knew she was lying or avoiding the truth.

She squeezed her eyes shut. "It's a lumpectomy," she said.

"What?" That couldn't be what he thought it was. He wasn't good with medical terminology, he was just confused. Please, God, let him be wrong.

"I have breast cancer, John."

He walked into the dining room and scanned it quickly; Kayla and Rex weren't there, but he saw Matthew Buchanan circulating among the guests. Matthew caught his eye and approached him with a smile. "Hey John! Dad said you were in town."

"Yeah," John said, "I'm supposed to be meeting Kayla and Rex here. You haven't seen them have you?"

Matthew shook his head. "Not yet. You want to have a seat while you wait?"

He nodded as Matthew led him towards an open table. "The place looks good, by the way," he said, "Natalie would be proud."

"You think so?" Matthew asked his smile broadening into a grin. "I mean BE owns it, I just manage it."

"Well it looks like you're doing a great job," he said as he sat down.

After Matthew left he realized it was only 9:45—he was early again and he'd be lucky if Kayla and Rex even made it on time. Suddenly craving fresh air he stood and walked out to the terrace, leaving his coat on the chair to mark the table. The terrace was empty and it occurred to him for one of the first times in his life that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be alone. And that's when he realized that he wasn't.

"You look scared," she said walking close to him.

"Nervous," he corrected.

"She's a fifteen-year-old girl," she said, "you've stared down serial killers."

"I know how to handle serial killers," he sighed looking around.

She stood beside him silently for a moment following his gaze. "This is why you left, isn't it? Because there were to many memories of us in this town."

"I thought it would make it easier," he said, "to get past it all. If I didn't have to see it all the time."

"Strange," she said, "because back then, you were more willing to let me go than let go of what happened. And now you won't let me go."

He felt a lump forming in his throat. "I wasn't ready to lose you. I guess I'm still not."

"I know," she said, "but I need to leave now John."

He looked up at her. "No-" he started to say.

"Shh," she said coming closer, "I won't be far. You or Kayla or anyone needs me. But believe it or not, I think you can take it from here." She leaned forward as he closed his eyes. There was a feather light sensation on his lips, almost like a kiss. And then she was gone.

"Are you waiting for Kayla?" a female voice asked a few minutes after he'd sat back down at the table. He looked up into the face of Adriana Cramer. Funny, he'd seen her a few years ago, but his mental image of her was still the young girl from so many years ago. Seeing this worldly looking middle-aged woman before him surprised him again, as it did every time.

"Yeah," he said.

"Do you mind if I wait with you?" she asked shyly.

He motioned for her to sit. "You're waiting for Rex?" he asked.

She smiled weakly, "If he's ready to talk to me."

"I didn't know she was back in town," John remarked as Adriana led Kayla out of the kitchen. It was Kayla's eighth birthday party and everyone remotely connected with her family seemed to have descended on Llanfair, along with about a dozen other eight-year-olds. Natalie was in the kitchen trying to supervise the food she'd had catered from The Palace. She'd been in remission for over a year and it seemed like everything might just be okay.

"She's not really," Natalie said giving Rex a significant look that indicated she was unhappy about something regarding this situation.

Rex glared back at his sister while he answered John, "She's living in New York now and she's here to visit."

"That's one word for it," Natalie mumbled under her breath.

"I'm missing something," John said.

"My dear sister is mad at me because I won't let her run my love life," Rex explained.

"I'm just saying she left you once-" Natalie began.

"She didn't leave me, she left the country," Rex protested.

"And while she was gone did she call? Did she ask you to visit? Did she so much as send you an email? No."

"What's your point?" he asked.

"My point is that if somebody's stomped all over your heart once, you're an idiot to give them a chance to do it again."

"Well then I'm not the only idiot in the family," he said raising his eyebrows at his sister.

Her eyes widened and a panicked expression came over her face as she gave him a look which clearly indicated he wasn't supposed to have said that.

John studied her for a moment—he should have noticed it before. Her hair and make-up were arranged with a little more care than usual and she was wearing one of those slinky black tops he used to flatter himself that she wore just for him. He knew what Natalie looked like when she was trying to attract a man's attention. He scolded himself for the wave of jealousy that washed over him—it was none of his business, she hadn't been his for a very long time.

He resisted the urge to smile. If there was any couple he'd ever met that could have come near him and Natalie for complication it was Rex and Adriana. "So are you two…?"

"I have no idea," she sighed. "He's still mad at me."

"I thought the last time you two split up it was because of him?" he asked.

"Oh the thing with the stewardess?" she said sounding more casual than most would have on such a subject. "It was retaliation really. Long story." She stared at her water goblet for a moment before she sighed and said, "Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse. I don't know why I keep trying."

"You still love him?" John asked.

She looked up at him surprised by his directness. "Yeah," she said softly.

"Then keep trying," he said, "'cause take it from someone who knows. If you stop, just give up, you'll regret it."

She smiled and dabbed a tear from the corner of her eye with a perfectly manicured fingertip. "Thanks," she said, "so what's going on with Kayla?"

"Not sure exactly," he admitted, "but whatever it is it's my fault."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Her, Rex…" he didn't add that Natalie had confirmed this, "look on the bright side, if Rex is mad enough at me he might forget he's mad at you."

"Rex is pretty good at holding grudges," she said.

"I've given him plenty of cause to hold them," he admitted. "I hurt his sister. More times than I can count."

"You also made her very happy," Adriana pointed out.

"I don't think he remembers that part," he said glancing towards the door to see if they had arrived. "I think sometimes he blames me for…"

"Natalie's death?" Adriana supplied. "We've talked about it. You're right, there's part of him that thinks maybe if you two were still together somehow she would have been strong enough…"

The doorbell rang right as they were sitting down to dinner. With a groan John got up to answer it, expecting to find the UPS man or some neighborhood kid fundraising. He did not expect to see Natalie and Rex. He hardly recognized her when he saw her these days, her face was swollen from the drugs and she had a scarf tied around her head where her hair hadn't quite grown back after the last round of chemo. But her eyes were still the same. As if Natalie was peering out from a stranger's body.

Before he could react to their presence Kayla came out of the kitchen and screamed, "Mom!" as she ran to hug her mother.

"Hey sweetie!" Natalie said sounding cheerful but drained.

"What are you doing here?" Kayla asked.

"I got sprung!" she said, "They let me out of the hospital for a little bit and I'm on my way to stay with Grandma Buchanan but I asked Uncle Rex if he would take me by here on our way so I could see you."

John caught a look in Rex's eye which told him Natalie wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Does this mean you're better?" Kayla asked.

"No baby," Natalie said sadly, "it just means I get to see you without all the machines for a while."

"Can you stay for dinner?" she asked excitedly, "we're having pizza!"

Natalie raised an eyebrow at John. "Nutritious home cooked meal?"

He shrugged. "You caught me on a bad night, I swear. But there's enough, if you can stay."

"Actually," she said with a smile, "anything unhealthy sounds wonderful."

"Come on!" Kayla said taking her by the hand and leading her out of the room.

"What's going on Rex?" he asked as soon as Natalie and Kayla were out of earshot.

"You heard her," Rex said shifting uncomfortably.

"I did," he agreed, "and I know her well enough to know when she's hiding something. Why did she leave the hospital?"

"She's stopped the treatments," Rex said, "She says she's done with them. She wants to go home. I couldn't tell her 'no'."

John looked down having no idea what to say and certain if he tried to say something his voice would crack anyway.

"Talk to her," Rex pleaded, "Don't let her give up."

"If she's decided-" he began.

"McBain if there's anyone who can get through to her it's you," Rex insisted.

"I used to be," he said shaking his head, "but that was a long time ago."

"Oh so you're gonna do your usual thing and just sit back and let this happen while you brood in a corner," Rex shot at him angrily.

"Balsom-" he tried to interject.

"She still cares about you. She still listens to you when she won't listen to anybody else. Please!"

"I'll talk to her," he finally agreed. "But I don't know if I can change her mind."

"But you know," Adriana said slowly, "you're not the one he's really mad at."

"No?"

"He's mad at her," she said. "I mean he can't quite admit it, but it's true." He looked down at the table. How had he never realized it? All those years ago, he'd told Natalie it was okay to be mad at Cristian for dying. He knew that anger first hand, but it had never occurred to him that was what Rex was struggling with.

It was after dinner before he got a chance to speak with her alone. She was still sitting at the table watching Rex and Kayla play computer games with a misty smile on her face. "Thanks for dinner," she said as he sad down beside her.

He hesitated, unsure how to broach the subject. "Rex told me," he finally said in a low voice.

"Little snitch," she grumbled.

"Natalie-" She cut him off by raising her hand.

"Not here," she said, motioning in Kayla's direction with her head, "let's take a walk." She rose and made her way to the door calling to the pair at the computer that they'd be right back. She didn't say anything for a moment as they made their way to the empty playground across the parking lot from his apartment.

"Don't do this," he finally said as she eased herself down on a swing.

"The decision's been made," she said numbly.

"Change it," he pleaded.

"No," she said starting to sway back and forth on the swing with her feet still dragging on the ground.

"For once in your life, Natalie, think this through. Think about what you're doing-"

"You think I haven't?" she asked angrily. "You think I'm just making some crazy impulsive decision about whether I want to live or die."

"I don't know," he said, meeting her intensity, "maybe you can explain to me why you just decided to give up."

"I didn't just decide," she began, "I talked to my doctor. And then I talked to another doctor. And I asked them how long I'd have if I stopped the treatments now and they said a couple of months. So I asked how long I'd have with it and they said six to twelve."

He felt a nasty sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he'd known for a while, but somehow it was so much worse hearing a doctor had confirmed it. The cancer was terminal this time. "But it would buy you time…" he stammered helplessly.

"For what?" she asked, her anger not waning at all, "A cure that doesn't exist?"

He closed his eyes. He could hear her. Somewhere in that stranger in front of him was his old Natalie and he wasn't anywhere near ready to accept that he wouldn't ever see her again. "There's still hope," he said.

"Look at me John," she demanded and he obediently opened her eyes, "I don't even recognize myself in the mirror and as bad as I look I feel worse. I can't do anything, I can't even think about anything other than how nauseous I feel. And I'm going through it for what? A couple of months?"

"I just don't understand why you would give up any time you might have-"

"Because I don't want to die in a hospital," she said, "I don't want to leave behind a bald and bloated corpse. That's not how I want to spend my last months and it's not how I want people to remember me."

"Think of Kayla," he pleaded, playing the last card he had.

"That's your job now," she said softly, "I'm dying, John. You have to face that because I have. I'm not saying I'm giving up, but I have to face reality. I'm going to stick around as long as I can, but the fact is it's not going to be that long. This is it; there aren't going to be any miracle cures or last minute saves. So before I go I need to make sure Kayla's going to be okay."

He knelt down in front of her, "I promise I will do everything for her that I can."

"I know you will," she nodded with a smile.

He took a deep breath, he could hear his own breath wavering. Gently, he placed his hands on her knees. "I'm not ready to lose you."

"Well it's not gonna be tomorrow," she said running a hand over his hair, "so you have some time to get used to it. Just please don't be mad at me for this…"

"As for Kayla," Adriana added, "speaking from personal experience, the nice thing about teenage girls is that we don't stay teenagers forever. And be patient with her. Losing your mother is hard on a girl. It knocked me on the floor and I was a lot older than she was."

"Thanks," he said motioning with his head towards the door to let her know Rex and Kayla had arrived, "that helps."

To be continued.