"Hey," Rex said mostly to Adriana as they approached the table.
"Hey," she replied fingering her hair nervously.
Rex turned to John, "We're gonna be in the bar." Looking at Kayla he asked, "You gonna be okay?"
She nodded mutely. She fixed her eyes on her napkin though and kept staring at it while Rex and Adriana left.
"So…" John said, "you want to talk?" Kayla didn't respond so he continued. "I'm glad. I've been thinking and there are some things… things we probably should have talked about years ago. About your mom and me and… I just want you to know that we can talk about that or anything else…"
"Really?" she asked looking up at him for the first time and not sounding convinced.
"Really," he said, "Ask me anything."
She studied him carefully, "Anything?"
"Anything," he assured her.
She thought for a moment then said with a defiant smile, "Okay, was I premature or was I the reason you two got married in the first place?"
"What?" he asked.
"You got married in March, I was born in September," she said, "I can count to nine."
He looked at the table for a moment; Natalie had said back then that they'd eventually have to answer this question. It had never even occurred to him that she wouldn't be there to answer it with him.
He shook his head as he thought back. "I'd had that ring in my drawer for months. I just kept putting it off—I wanted things to be perfect. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with your mother. I knew that much. I just didn't know how to tell her. And then she beat me to it and she told me that you were on your way."
"So that's when you asked her to marry you?"
"That's when she asked me to marry her."
He could tell she was antsy about something that night, but she didn't seem to want to talk about it and he knew better than to push. Finally, after staring off into space for the better part of an hour she turned to him and said, "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," he said, hoping whatever her question was it would give him some insight into whatever was bothering her.
She looked intently into his eyes and asked, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
He thought for a minute. "I don't know. With you. In a house though. One with a yard for the kids to play in."
"Kids?" she asked softly.
"Well yeah," he stammered wondering if he'd said something wrong, "I mean I always assumed-"
"You still see yourself with me in ten years?" she asked biting her lips.
"Yeah," he said, "don't you?"
She smiled, stood up and walked closer to him. "Yeah," she said, "I just have one more question."
"What's that?"
She dropped to her knees at his feet. "Marry me."
He stared at her in shock for so long that she must have thought he was looking for a way to let her down easy. She sat back on her heels and stammered, "Wow! I totally jumped the gun on that one. I'm sorry I-"
"Natalie-" he tried to say, but she cut him off.
"No, you don't have to-"
"Natalie!" he said a little more forcefully. She stopped talking and looked at him warily. Feeling as though he was probably shaking, he rose and made his way around her to the dresser.
"John," she said to his back, "I'm sorry I-"
"Don't apologize," he said as he opened the top drawer and removed the little velvet box, making his way back to her, "I'm just… I'm just a little ashamed you beat me to this." He pried open the box and showed her the ring he'd picked out months ago as she covered her mouth with her hand.
"At least this takes some of the pressure off," he said with a smile, "I mean I guess I can be pretty sure of the answer."
"So you're answer's yes?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said kneeling beside her and slipping the ring onto her finger, "my answer's yes."
She took a deep breath and wiped a tear from her eye. "Then I have to tell you something. Those kids you were seeing… ten years from now, one of them's going to be nine."
He stared at her in shock, "You mean?"
She nodded. "Nine and a half almost. Are you okay with that?"
"Are you kidding?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her, "okay? That's so much more than okay that's… well that's perfect, actually."
"Perfect?" Kayla snorted, "bet you wish you could take that back."
He shook his head. "Not at all. The day I married your mother was the second happiest day of my life. The happiest was the moment they put you in my arms."
She flushed. "So you and Mom eloped, right?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "We were gonna do the whole church wedding thing, but… wasn't really us, you know?"
"I can see that," she nodded.
"So one night your mom comes in and just declares we're going to AC. I was worried she might wind up regretting it, you know not having the dress and the reception and her family there. But she said all she cared about was me and you and us all being a family."
"And you were okay with it?"
He smiled. "I think I was relieved. Your grandmother Buchanan, on the other hand, was not happy at all. But yeah…" He paused and waited till he had eye contact before saying, "Kayla, I loved your mother more than I even thought possible. So much I couldn't breathe sometimes. So much that it scared me to death."
"So what happened?" she asked, "Why did you and Mom split up?"
"How much do you remember?"
"I remember yelling. A lot of yelling for a long time. And Mom crying. And I remember you leaving one night and not coming back. And Mom told me the next day that you weren't coming back, but I didn't believe her. And I kept waiting, but you didn't come. She was right. And then they sent me to stay with Aunt Jessica and by the time I got back all your stuff was gone."
"That's all you know?"
"Uncle Rex says it was all your fault. He has some interesting names for you."
"I can imagine," he smiled.
"Mom didn't think it was your fault," she said thoughtfully.
"What makes you say that?" he asked as though somehow through whatever Kayla told him Natalie's voice would appear and give him some sort of absolution.
"That man, Cristian Vega," she said, "I heard Mom talking to him one time. He said something about you and she got really mad. She told him it was all his fault you left."
John waited for that piece of information to process. Never in all the years that she'd been alive had he heard Natalie admit anything negative about Cristian. "You know that he and your mother were married."
Kayla nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, but no one ever wanted to talk about it around me. I just knew that she was married to him. It was a long time ago though, right? Before she met you."
"Actually," he said, "she was married to him when I met her. Well they were engaged. They got married soon after."
Kayla looked surprised. "So Mom left Mr. Vega for you?"
He shook his head. "No. It's a long story." Kayla's look let him know he wasn't going to get away with that answer alone so he continued, "Cristian went to prison. He didn't expect to get out so he wanted her to move on with her life."
"And she moved on with you?"
"Eventually," he said.
"But how was he responsible for you two getting divorced?" she asked.
"Do you remember your baby brother?" he asked.
She thought for a moment. "I never really had a baby brother, did I? I mean, I remember being told that I was going to get one and then being told I wasn't. And I've seen the tombstone near Mom's but… Mom had a miscarriage though, right."
He took a deep breath. "She was twenty-six weeks along. It was actually classified as a still birth."
Rex saw him and stood up to meet him, his face was taut with worry.
"Where is she?" John demanded.
Rex motioned to the door of a nearby room. "Your brother's in there now."
"What happened?"
"There was a fight. She got hit," Rex said. "But I think… I think she's going to be okay."
"What about the baby?" he asked a little more softly.
And he knew from the expression on Rex's face that he didn't want an answer to that question. Rex shook his head. "I don't know. They won't tell me anything."
Michael emerged from the room at that moment and caught sight of John. Wordlessly, John handed Kayla's sleeping form over to Rex and walked to his brother.
"Where have you been?" Michael asked in a voice just above a whisper.
"I was doing surveillance, had my cell phone off," he said, "I didn't get the message till I got home."
Michael nodded, processing the information. "She's been asking for you. We just gave her something to help her sleep, but you can sit with her for a while." John started to the door but Michael stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "You need to know what's going on."
John steeled himself for what he knew would be bad news.
"Evidently she got knocked back against a wall and then fell to the ground. The impact caused her to rupture," Michael was trying hard to sound clinical, "By the time she got here the baby was in distress. We performed an emergency cesarean, but were never able to revive the baby." Michael paused, searching for something to say, " John, I'm so sorry."
He nodded. "But Natalie's going to be okay?"
"Physically," Michael said. "There was some blood loss, obviously, and she'll be down for a while because of the section, but…"
"But?" John asked anxiously looking at his brother.
"Right now the physical isn't what I'm concerned about," Michael said, "I'm glad you're here for her now."
John nodded and took a deep breath as he pushed the door open. She was lying with her face to the wall but she turned to him when she heard the door. Her face was puffy from tears which had apparently been wiped away and he recognized the glazed look in her eyes as being induced by the sedative. "John?" she whispered as he rushed to her side.
"I'm so sorry," he said taking her hand in both of his, "I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner."
"John, our baby…" she croaked.
"I know," he said kissing her hand then using one of his to brush the hair back from her forehead, "shhh…"
"I'm sorry," she said as tears began to pour from her eyes again.
"No," he said trying to reassure her, "you don't have anything to be sorry for. Shhh. It's okay."
"No it's not!" she said a little louder squeezing her eyes shut.
"I know, you're right," he told her, "but we're gonna get through this, okay? I'm here now, you're gonna get through this. I love you."
She let out one more sob followed by several ragged breaths while tears continued to flow onto the white pillowcase. He remembered noticing that the bits of make up carried by the tears were staining it and absurdly thought for a moment that it mattered. Speaking to her in soft tones, caressing her, and grasping her hand he sat with her until the sedative carried her off to sleep.
He sat there a moment longer, watching her sleep, wishing there was some way to fix things, to really comfort her and hating himself for not being there sooner. And it was as he sat there looking at her swollen, twisted face that the thought gradually dawned on him that someone had done this to her. This was not just an accident of fate.
When he was certain she was soundly asleep he rose and walked back to the waiting room where Rex was sitting, Kayla still sleeping with her head on his lap.
"How is she?" Rex asked anxiously.
"She's asleep," he said, "the baby was stillborn."
"God," Rex whispered softly closing his eyes.
"What happened?" he asked, fuming but careful to keep his voice low enough not to disturb Kayla.
"I told you-" Rex started but John cut him off.
"You only told me half of it," he said, "You told me there was a fight but you didn't tell me who. Who did this to her?"
Rex looked at him and hesitated. They both really knew the answer without being told, but he wanted to hear him say it. Rex only halfway cooperated, "Do you really have to ask?"
"So it was Mr. Vega's fault," Kayla said, sounding stunned.
"No," he said shaking his head, "it was mine. Losing your baby brother—that might have been his fault. But what happened after… your mom needed to talk about it and I couldn't and… things went downhill from there."
"I miss her," Kayla said biting her lip.
"Me too."
"You keep a lock of her hair in your dresser," she said suddenly.
She was reclining on the couch in the library when he walked in; her eyes squeezed shut and her lips pursed as though she were fighting back pain but whatever it was she covered it with a smile when she saw him. "Hey!" she said.
"Hey," he said back walking towards her.
She fumbled to push herself up to sitting, "They said they called you. Kayla's not here—she's staying with Rex 'cause she has the flu and I'm not supposed to be around-"
"I know," he said.
"Then why are you here?" she asked confused.
"I came to see you," he said sitting across from her.
"Oh," she said blushing.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Um… like I have radioactive poison pumping through my body," she said. He looked at the floor unsure how to respond. "Sorry," she said, "Not really the time for sarcasm."
"I wouldn't expect anything else out of you," he said with a smile.
"Thank you for coming," she said. "You didn't have to."
"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" He reached foreword to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, but as he pulled his hand back the hair came away in his fingers. Natalie looked down at it and inhaled sharply as he stared at it in horror. "Natalie, I-"
"It's okay John," she said though he could see tears forming in her eyes, "it happens." She reached her hand out and gently around the lock of hair. "I just as soon it be in your hands as in my bathroom sink."
He brought her hand to his lips and murmured against it, "It'll grow back. When you're better."
She smiled at him weakly and it was only later that he fully realized she hadn't echoed his assurances.
He looked at her in surprise. "How did you know…?"
She looked down guiltily. "It's in the same drawer with your spare cash."
"Ah," he said, "I'm guessing I don't want to count that cash anytime soon."
"I'll put it back," she promised.
He laughed softly.
"What?" she asked defensively.
"It's just… taking the money from my drawer—that's actually something your mother would have done."
"Really?" she asked then added wistfully, "at least you got to know her. I mean I know I had eleven years with her, but I feel like… like I never really got to know her, because I was just a kid."
He resisted the urge to tell her she was still a kid, knowing that she wouldn't see it that way.
"And everyone around me has all these issues and it all goes back to her," she continued, "the Buchanans have this fixation with wanting me to have everything she missed out on by not growing up here. Uncle Rex… sometimes I think that he wants me to be her. And you… it's just…"
The look in her eyes grew more distant, "You know I never used to say good-bye to her. After she got sick, especially after I went to live with you, I'd always say, 'See you tomorrow' or 'see you soon.' I never wanted to say 'good-bye' because it sounded too much like… it was too final. Somehow if I said I'd see her again, I would. But that last day as we were leaving she kissed me and said good-bye and I said it back without thinking. I didn't realize it till I was in the car and I almost asked you to stop so I could go back in but I knew it would sound crazy…"
"I've replayed that day a thousand times myself," he said as she trailed off, "I think she knew. And there was nothing any of us could have done to stop it."
"But I-" she trailed off again blinking furiously to hold back tears.
He reached out across the table and took her hand. "It's okay to cry," he said softly, "you're mother taught me that."
"But you don't," she said, "you don't cry."
"I do," he corrected her, "sometimes. Not enough probably. You know… I was about the same age as you were when my father died."
"Yeah, Uncle Michael told me," she said.
"Well he probably told you this too," he said self consciously, "but after your grandfather died I kind of… well I guess part of me shut down for a while."
"Until you met Mom," she finished, "that's what he said."
"What do you know?" he said trying to smile, "for once he was right about something. Your mother… she managed to get through all those walls I had up. To make me feel things I didn't think I could anymore. And if she were here, she'd be telling you it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to be angry. Just don't try to be like your old man and bury it. You'll only wind up burying yourself."
A couple of tears slipped from Kayla's eyes and she rummaged in her purse for a tissue. "You know," she said sniffling a little, "Every Christmas, every birthday I get these letters from her. And at first, when I read them I used to hear her reading them to me. But I can't remember what she sounded like. And now it kinda feels like they're from a stranger and I hate that."
"Do you mind my asking what they're about?"
She looked surprised. "You don't know? You're the one who gives them to me."
"Your mother made it very clear they were for your eyes only," he said.
"Oh," she said, "well they're… girl stuff mostly. Especially the last couple years. Boys and clothes and… stuff dad's don't like to talk about. Sometimes she writes about other people. Like how Uncle Kevin gives really good presents but always forgets birthdays so you have to find a way to subtly remind him. Uncle Michael likes bad 80's music. How to calm you down when you're really mad…"
"How's that?" he asked, unaware that such a secret existed.
"That would be telling," she said.
He smiled back at her. "So you want to know about your mom?" She nodded. "Your mother was… she was an angel," he began only to be cut off my Kayla's irritated sigh. "What?" he asked.
"I know that Dad," she said, "I know Mom was an angel. Even if everyone didn't feel the need to tell me constantly, that's how I remember her. I mean literally she is an angel. I don't need you to tell me that. That's not what I want to know. I want to know that she was a woman, you know, a real person. Someone you could touch. Someone who made mistakes."
He thought about what she said and in spite of himself smiled. "She was a lot like you actually," he said.
"Really?" she asked skeptically.
He nodded. "She was smart and funny and stubborn as hell."
She smiled slightly as he continued. "It was really important to her that people respect her. That she prove how capable she was. Never afraid to go after what she wanted. And she did some pretty stupid things to get that done."
"See," Kayla said, "that's what no one ever talks about."
He ran his hand through his hair as he thought for a moment. There were things he'd always thought it better not to talk about, but maybe he'd been wrong. "I ever tell you about the time I arrested her for murder?"
Kayla's taught mouth instantly broadened into a grin, that grin that was so much like her mother's. "No," she said eagerly.
"What about the time she tried to use herself as bait for a serial killer?" They were stories he never would have guessed he could laugh at, but he couldn't help smiling back at Kayla. He sobered for a moment, "I'll tell you all about it on the way. There's actually someplace I need to go and I was hoping you could come with me."
"Where?" she asked.
"I haven't been to your brother's grave since we buried him," he said, "and I think maybe we need to include him in this discussion."
John looked down at his son's grave for the first time in twelve years. Like Natalie's someone had made sure this grave was well maintained—probably the service Jessica had hired. There were no flowers except the ones Kayla had just placed there and he suspected there hadn't been flowers there in a very long time. Maybe when Natalie was alive…
He wondered if she ever came out here. Probably. That was something she would have done, but they never talked about it. They never spoke of him after the divorce and not very much before. He knelt down and traced the words carved in the stone as he had so many times on her grave.
At first the marker was supposed to read simply "Infant Son of John and Natalie McBain" but after the order had been placed Natalie had insisted that they needed to name him. She said he deserved that much. John hadn't been able to bring himself to help her brainstorm names no matter how much she insisted it would help him grieve, but in the end she had decided on Thomas Benjamin. It seemed appropriate enough—naming their dead child after two dead men.
Behind him Kayla gasped suddenly and he looked up to see her staring at a willow tree nearby. "You okay?" he asked following her gaze and seeing nothing.
"Yeah," she said sounding a little shaky, "It's just… for a minute, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone standing by that tree. I didn't really get a good look. Probably just my imagination, it's just… For a second I could have sworn it was a woman with long red hair."
John stood and put his arm around her, pulling her close. Inhaling deeply he could detect Natalie's perfume on the breeze. She was right—she would never be far.
Fin.