"Grey, if I don't see a bottle of water in that hand at all times today, I will personally chase you around this hospital with a banana bag!" Bailey called after her as she went down to the pit to while away the hours of her first shift back on suture duty. In response Meredith waved the water bottle that she was already holding at her and rushed into the half-open elevator. From behind her she heard brief laughs from people, but she forced herself to look straight ahead. They did not know anything, so their laughter was completely immaterial.

Or at least that's what she tried to tell herself.

She felt like she should be annoyed at Bailey for putting her in the pit, but she was not. She wasn't going to complain, because to complain was to explain, but she was still tired and sick. That was not about to change for a few weeks.

She gave the nurse in the ER her name and went to the first curtain. It was only six o'clock, so most of their cases were people who had either been there all night and been pushed back by traumas, or who had just wandered in near dawn, still half-drunk.

She would get the latter.

The guy obviously had some kind of respectable job, but his tie was ripped in half and his hair, probably normally perfectly gelled, was completely askew. Worse than that, he looked vaguely familiar, and obviously recognized her.

"Good morning, Mr. Stanton, I'm Dr. Grey and I will be suturing up that wound for you." She reached for his arm and opened the suture kit. As she disinfected it, she could feel his eyes on her.

"You're," he said, squinting at her, "You're the girl from Joe's."

She froze, mid-stitch, but did not respond. As she tied off the sutures she looked at him more closely. Of course. The one Izzie and George had christened: Hairy Back Guy. And that was not an image she needed while she sewed up laceration. Quickly she put the gauze pad over the stitches and taped it down.

"Okay, Mr. Stanton, you're good to go. And I do mean go." Still staring at her, he stumbled off the table and went up to the main lobby of the ER, leaving a fragrance of stale beer behind him that made Meredith wrinkle her nose.

"So, to exactly how many men in Seattle are you known as 'the girl from Joe's'?" someone said at the exact moment Meredith was attempting to figure that out in her head. She whirled around and saw Derek facing her from the other side of the curtained area. Without saying a word to him she got up and went to the next patient needing sutures.

"Good morning, Mrs. Reynolds, I'm Dr. Grey and I'll be doing your sutures today."

She sat down on the stool and had just spun to the other side of the woman when Derek came into the room.

"Meredith, stop running away from me. We need to talk."

"Dr. Shepard, right now is not a good time." She looked up at him pointedly, and then smiled at the patient. She had two wounds, one on either side of her arm that had come from a broken coffee cup.

Meredith finished sewing the first las and was sliding around the table to get to the second when Derek put a hand on her shoulder. "Okay, curiously, when is a good time? When you're in surgery? When you're rounding? Or when you are running out of this hospital so fast that I can't get to you with your posse guarding you?"

Meredith arched an eyebrow and turned to look at him. "Did you just say posse? Cristina, Izzie and George are my posse? Is Alex the sheriff? Because I don't think he'd accept anything less. Okay Mrs. Reynolds you can go." She snapped off her gloves and stood to face Derek.

"Maybe they're more like bodyguards," Derek conceded, crossing his arms and leaning on the examining table.

"Look, Derek, I-" she paused to push a piece of her hair, which she was wearing down, out of her face. "I want to talk to you. But you need to make some decisions first, okay? Because you are still married, and I-I," she sighed and said in a low voice, "I love you. But I cannot be the one waiting forever for you to make up your mind."

With that she spun around and put her gloves in the trash.

From behind her she heard him say quietly: "Okay, I understand. Thank you. For talking to me."

Meredith paused for a minute, but could not bring herself to turn and smile at him, because he would be there looking gorgeous and hurt and she couldn't because she would run over and kiss him. That had hurt, but it had to be said and so she said it. She was getting better at that.

"Good morning, Mrs. Johnson, my name is Dr. Grey and I will be doing you sutures today."

Meredith was gone, George was gone, even the stupid dog was gone. Being this alone made Izzie think about the worst part of being alone, the biggest thing she had lost, and she could not bear that. At five in the afternoon on the third day that she had been left alone after Meredith went back to work she sat on the couch with absolutely nothing to do. She had done everyone's laundry, cleaned the house, made brownies, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the oven, thought about what Meredith would say if she suggested repainting the living room and then found herself with absolutely nothing to do.

It had happened before, happened in the three weeks before Meredith found out that she was pregnant, but for the past week Izzie had had other things to occupy her mind. She knew that she was annoying, but just having someone else in the house, someone to talk to, gave her a distraction. Now she had no one, and Denny's face popped into her conscious.

It wasn't that she didn't think of him, of course she did, he was a constant presence in her life, but if she worked hard enough she could control the might-have-beens and she would stop thinking that she could have been planning a wedding, her wedding, thinking about her children. At moments like this it just became too much. She had already had to give up one child, and now she had to give up all of her dreams with Denny, dreams that had included a life together, children, a home. It was too much for her to bear and she would lose herself.

As the sun began to set, lighting the room with an orange glow that reminded Izzie of fire, and just then fire to her meant destruction, she sat on Meredith's couch staring at the empty TV screen and felt her throat constrict. Tears prickled around her eyes and the pain in her throat grew until she let out a sob. She put a hand to her mouth, but no one was home to see her. She grabbed a throw pillow and wrapped herself around it as the tears coursed down her face. She told herself that she should not lose control like this, that Denny would not want it, but she simply could not help herself.

Her body began to shake as she sobbed, and she knew that everything she had bottled up for weeks was coming out. She did that, bottled things up; three months after her father died it was her mother found her in a corner of her closet in tears. She lay down on the couch and clutched the pillow to her chest, gasping for breath.

She was not expecting for the front door to open and Meredith to come in. Meredith ran to her, kneeling by the couch and brushing Izzie's hair from her face. "Izzie? Izzie, it's okay. Shh." Meredith got up and ran to the kitchen and Izzie heard water running. She came back with a glass of water, and helping Izzie sit up, thrust it into her hands. Izzie drank and slowly her sobbing subsided and she could breathe again.

"Thanks," she said her voice slightly hoarse.

"Don't mention it. The healing powers of water. Bailey's been drilling me on them."

Izzie snorted and the tears came again, Meredith put an arm around her shoulders and with the other reached to grab a handful of Kleenex. Izzie wiped her face off.

"Meredith, I'm sorry I've been so… peppy lately. I just-"

"I know. I haven't been very supportive. You just seemed to be handling it so well. Too well, I guess." Meredith sighed. "Izzie, I owe you for all you've done for me since we started this crazy adventure, and my guess is we're going to need each other even more in the next few months. So no more secrets, okay?"

Izzie nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

"Good. I slept with Derek."

"What?"

"The night of the prom…. Before everything happened. I was celibate, until then. That's why I left Finn. Because now I'm really a dirty mistress. I'm a pregnant dirty mistress."

Izzie shook her head. "You really go all the way…. So as long as we're being thirteen and sharing secrets," Meredith laughed. "I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy staying here."

"I know." Meredith grinned, "And I have an idea. How would you like to go see my mother with me?" Seeing Izzie's doubting look she continued, "Mom's lonely too."

Izzie thought about it for a second. Ellis Grey was a surgeon, a great surgeon, but Meredith was right. She was lonely, and Meredith did not get to see her that much. What could it hurt? Meredith stood above her, her hand outstretched and Izzie took it. "Okay. Sure."

At that moment the door banged open and George came in. "I know I'm normally a nice guy, but I cannot stand that guy in 422! You'd think someone who just found out they didn't need a heart transplant could be a little nicer!" he turned to them, saw both Izzie and Meredith standing there, and his face softened. "Sorry, Izzie," he said.

Izzie looked at Meredith who also seemed to be eyeing her cautiously. "Come on," Izzie said. "Let's go."

There had been a flutter at the mention of a heart transplant, but only a flutter. At that moment she realized that she was going to be okay.

Cristina was not a people person. Well, normally. There were people that she could deal with: mainly her friends and Burke. That was why they were her friends. This was a new development, however, because for a very long time Cristina did not have friends. It was one of the things that her mother always said, right along with: "Why don't you bring a good looking boyfriend home" was "Why don't you have any nice friends?"

There was also a time when she would not have been friends with someone like George O'Malley, too much of a kiss-up and a washout. But George had proved himself, in her opinion he was a decent guy, he could make her laugh, he had integrity. At the beginning she had not liked Izzie either, and could not believe when she fell for a patient, but she worked hard, as Cristina did, and she was… Izzie. You had to like Izzie, after a while.

Her friendship with Meredith made sense. In the beginning it may have had to do with the fact that Meredith's mother was Ellis Grey and Cristina thought that she would have an edge; that they could work off of each other, which they did. Meredith was good. But it was more than that. Meredith was sarcastic and made bad choices, but she was a good friend and loyal.

The fact remained that Cristina had friends who had uses other than gaining power. It was new for her. And then there was Burke. She loved him, and she did not know why, could not explain it. She loved him with a passion that made her feel ways that she did not understand and this scared her. Originally she may have been attracted to her for his skill, and his grace in the OR, but there was something more to him. His spirit. Since when did she even believe in spirit?

All of that aside, this was why it was so hard for her to watch him struggle. Every morning she awoke to the sounds of him dressing himself, fumbling with zippers and shoelaces. He never accepted her help. So she would make breakfast. She hated making breakfast, but it was better than watching him drop pots and try to break eggs.

"I'm not a child, Cristina," he snapped at her once, when she poured his milk for him.

"No," she agreed, but continued to hold the pitcher.

He got physical therapy and she drove him on her day off. Derek said he would be able to drive as soon as he gained a little more control over the tremors, but Cristina was not sure. On the other days he called a cab. She worried. She did not like worrying.

One night, after they made love and lay in bed next to each other, Cristina listened to his ragged breathing and began to speak into the darkness.

"If I'm treating you like… well like some kind of invalid, you can think two things. One: I get it from my mother. You saw her when I was in the hospital. Enough said. But the other part is more true. I love you. It's weird, but that means I worry about you. It's not because you may not cut again. It's because you're you and you're perfect and self-sufficient and that's what I admire about you, but it's not the only reason I love you. So pride is great and all, and don't worry about losing it. Because I know you. And you practice."She rolled over and put her head on his chest, murmuring: "You practice."

It was a very long ramble, but she knew he understood. He was the only one who understood her, even when she was rambling like crazy. He reached up with his good hand and twirled a lock of her unruly hair around his finger.

"I love you," he said, and she tried to remember the day when she had not wanted to hear those words from him. She couldn't; not really. She could not recall the feeling. She liked this one better.

Insertbreakhere

"Mom? This is Izzie. She's a friend of mine, and she'll be visiting you sometimes. Won't that be nice?"

"Is she an intern? I need an intern stat, I've got a craniotomy scheduled at five and I need someone to do my labs."

"Mom, it's me. Meredith."

"Meredith! You should be in school! My God, I pay enough for that place for you to attend every now and then."

"It's…. it's a holiday, Mom. But Izzie's not an intern she—"

"Where do you need the labs taken Dr. Grey?"

"Izzie!"

"Meredith, you've said it yourself, she's hardly ever lucid. You might as well play along."

"Doesn't it bother you? The intern thing I mean?"

"Here Meredith, so long as you're here, take these labs down to the chief. Did you get that report card yet?"

"Why Mom? It won't be good enough for you anyway."

"Meredith!"

"Izzie, it's what I would have said. It would only confuse her if I didn't. Mom, I'm sorry that was harsh. I get it in a week."

"Get what Meredith? Who's this? A friend of yours?"

"Mom? Are you-?"

"Richard came to see me today. Adele knew, all along. Perceptive woman. How's that Vet of yours?"

"I left Finn, Mom. This is Izzie; remember I told you about her? She's going to visit you some times, okay?"

"If she must. Does the whole world know, now Meredith?"

"No, Mom. I'm going to try and come by more often too, okay? Izzie doesn't mean you're getting rid of me."

"Would someone please get me a suture kit? This kid's going to bleed out if we don't sew this shut!"

"You see? It only lasts a few minutes. I wish…. I wish I had been here more when she was lucid. But there was always some surgery."

"Meredith, I know. It's okay. Come on, let's go home. I'll come back soon Dr. Grey."

"I'll need those chest films stat!"

Meredith swam. Not many people knew it, but as a child she had always been on one swim team or another. It was her father who had first taken her to a pool, long ago, but her mother had encouraged the hobby. She felt that Meredith always had to be the best, but there was not the pressure that came with her mother's demands. Swimming was about beating your personal best, not being compared to others. Really though, she just loved the feeling of moving in the water, of being free.

This was why on the morning of her first day off, when she probably should have been sleeping, she drove herself to the Y to use their pool. It was the only reason she kept up a membership. As soon as her face broke the crystal clear water her problems seemed to wash away. It had always been that way. The day she found out that her mother had Alzheimer's she had made her way stoically to the university pool.

Really, she thought, most of her problems would not have started had the pool been closer to the hospital than Joe's.

As she swam thoughts coursed through her mind. That stupid prom had her thinking about high school more and more, and the most recent visit with her mother had not helped matters. She had ditched her high school prom, but had gone to an after party with some senior guy who managed to get into her pants. She never dealt well with parties where you were expected to mingle and make small talk. It was how she had ended up at Joe's after the intern's mixer.

And look where that had gotten her.

Touching the side of the pool after a lap she told herself to banish him from her thoughts. She took out her furious energy on the water, digging into it as if she were digging into her problems. She had to start thinking about the long term. Raising a child on her salary wouldn't be a problem, she supposed, her mother had done it. There was of course the issue of time. As she had said countless times since the start of her internship: the hospital owned her. She would be into her residency by the time it was born, and there was the onsite day-care. George and Izzie would help, she supposed, although she did not want to be dependent on them.

She did not want to be dependent on anyone. It was as she wrapped herself in a towel and thought that that she realized that all of her plans involved her doing this on her own. She wanted Derek, but he still had not shown much of a sign of having decided to leave Addison. Her feelings on this fluctuated. Some days she hated him for not choosing her already, if he so obviously loved her. Then again, Addison was his wife and they had obviously been in love at some point.

She did not want to spend her whole life waiting for him to make his choice. She drove home with that knowledge nestling in her brain and she became centered. She knew that she could handle whatever was going to happen next.

When she walked into the house she had not expected to see anyone moving around, it was still early morning and George slept in for hours when he was not working. Izzie had taken to staying in bed longer lately too. It surprised Meredith to see them sitting in the living room with Callie.

Callie stood when she saw Meredith and came up to her as Meredith put her keys on the hook by the door.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry. Shepard's a jackass."

Meredith looked at Callie's face, looking oddly sympathetic for Callie who was normally so tough, then looked over the other woman's shoulder at George. "You told her?" she asked, storming past Callie into the living room. "You told her?"

"Meredith, she's not going to tell anyone!"

"That is not the point! The point is: this is my life, my news, and if the whole entire hospital knows before he does it is not going to help me any!" She advanced on George and pulled him up by his shirt. "No telling anyone, understand?"

George nodded. "Okay. Gotcha."

"Whoa, steamed Meredith. Go on, beat O'Malley to a pulp, you know you want to." Meredith let go of George's shirt and whirled on Alex who stood in the doorway with a cereal bowl in his hand.

"You? You think this is all a joke, don't you?"

"Meredith—"

"No Izzie! I am not some poor little woman who got herself knocked up by her boss! This was just as much my fault as his, and as for Alex's attitude…. Here's the deal, you guys are the only ones I have that I need to believe that I can handle this. That involves not mocking me and not pitying me. Okay?"

There was a stunned silence when she finished this rant, and she looked around at their faces before collapsing in a chair. There was a moment's pause and then everyone went back to what they had been doing. To Meredith's surprise Alex thrust a bowl of cereal into her hands. She looked up at him, but he just shrugged and went to sit on the couch by Izzie.

Insertlinebreak

Late that night, Meredith lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She had done a lot of that lately, probably more than was healthy, but it was quiet. She had an old Duran Duran CD playing and the music made her feel sixteen again. It reminded her of high school, but of the few good times that there had been. There was a knock at the door and when she called for whoever it was to come in, expecting George, she was surprised to see Izzie.

"You okay?" Meredith asked, pushing herself up on an elbow.

"Yeah," Izzie replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. She glanced over at the lamp, and then back at Meredith. "Meredith? There's something I've never told you; never told any of you actually. But I figured you should know. What you were saying this morning, about not pitying you—."

"Izzie, it's okay, don't worry about it."

Izzie held up a hand. "Just let me talk, okay?" Meredith nodded and pushed herself up on her pillows. "When I was fifteen I met this guy. Robert Mitchell. He saw me as a pretty girl, and I thought he was amazing. Big man on campus, basketball star. So when he asked me out I didn't think twice. My mom was working. She didn't even know I went out. We went to dinner, a movie… and the backseat of his car."

Meredith nodded, knowingly, that about described her first date too. And her second.

"He never spoke to me again, but that Monday it was all over the school that I was a whore; that I was easy. I tried to ignore it. I was always getting crap for living in a trailer park and working at the diner. But then…. " She took a breath and pulled a small picture out of her pocket. "Meredith…. This is my daughter."

Meredith took the picture. A little blonde-haired girl, Izzie's hair, with bright blue eyes. "Izzie," she breathed. "She's beautiful."

"She's six there. She'd be twelve now, but the family moved and didn't send me an address. They adopted two other kids…. My mom didn't want me to give her up, but I wanted more than motherhood at sixteen." She laughed bitterly. "I wanted to be a doctor."

Meredith put a hand on Izzie's arm. "You are a doctor. You're a great doctor." She lay back and looked at the ceiling again. "So you know what it's like? To be—I mean…"

"Yeah. I know. I didn't know that you were, that first day, but yeah. I know." She took Meredith's hand. "Mer, you need to tell him. He will find out any way."

Meredith took a deep breath. "I know. I will. Just not now. Not yet. I need to be stronger before I do it."

Izzie stood up. "I understand. Do you mind if I go see your mother tomorrow?"

"Go ahead. She needs the visitors. Don't be surprised if the Chief is there too, he goes in the mornings."

Izzie looked surprised, but did not say anything.

As the door closed after Izzie, Meredith closed her eyes and gradually fell asleep. She dreamed of her baby, of sitting at a table with a baby in a high-chair and Derek there next to her holding her hand. When she awoke there were tears on her cheeks.

"Damn it," she whispered into the darkness. "I was so sure that I could do it without him."

A/N I go out of town Wednesday through Sunday, I'll try to update once before that though! Thanks for all of your great reviews!