Chapter Five

Damn it. Meredith thought, as she absorbed Addison's words. She was determined not to say anything to the other woman; instead she just focused on her work and got out of the OR as fast as possible. Dr. Bailey was waiting for her outside the doors and went into the scrub room with her as Meredith scrubbed out.

"Grey, I'm taking you immediately off this case since it went so well. I'm putting you with the other Dr. Shepard."

Meredith turned around leaning on the sink. "Okay," she said. "But could you do me a huge favor?" Bailey's eyebrows rose and she cocked her head in surprise, as George who had scrubbed in towards the end of the surgery entered the scrub room. Meredith turned to him, "Head her off," she said, and he nodded.

Meredith motioned for Dr. Bailey to follow her into the hallway. "She knows," she hissed. "And she may not know whose… but I think she does. Please, just…. Tell him to meet me in the fourth floor conference room. Please." She looked in Bailey's eyes and held her gaze; Bailey stared at her and must have seen the look of desperation on her face.

"Okay," she finally agreed, "But you're still on his case, got that?"

"Of course. Great. Thank you!" She ducked back into the scrub room to grab her coat, which the nurse had hung in there, and threw off her scrub cap, making a beeline for the elevator. She was the only one on it, almost unheard of in a hospital, and she leaned against the back wall, putting her hand on her belly. "If your daddy yells, don't judge him for it," she murmured, then shook her head at herself. As she walked down the fourth floor hallway she briefly wondered if she was thinking back to her own father when she said that. Remembering that yelling.

She had not planned this. Well, actually, if she were wiling to admit it to herself she had planned it. Telling Derek was one of those situations that replayed itself over and over in her head, but it usually took place at a fancy restaurant, or during a picnic on his land; never in a conference room in the hospital. She drummed her fingers on the dark wood and remembered the first time she had been in this room. She had been a new intern and Derek was only the cute attending that she had slept with, who she would never sleep with again.

That had worked well.

She put her face in her hands and tried to decide what she was going to say. What worried her was how he would react. Would he even believe her, if he thought her such a whore? Would he promise to leave Addison, only to leave Meredith hanging again? She didn't have a clue. She could never predict him; that was part of the fun of their relationship. The relationship that she wanted back, badly.

She sighed to herself, shifted in her chair, pulled the elastic out of her hair to let it down out of the bun she put it in to hold it under her scrub cap. It always amazed her that Cristina could always get all of her unruly hair under one of those caps. Meredith's hair tended to wisp out, but not Cristina's, which a barrette could barely hold.

Why was she thinking about that now?

Izzie was doing well with her mother, but she knew that Izzie would need something more lasting soon. She'd talked of getting some kind of job at one of the extended care facilities, but Meredith wasn't sure if that would work for her. Getting attached wouldn't do very well there.

Focus.

Were those Derek's footsteps? She listened, recognized the squeak of his running shoes on the shining hospital floor. She spun the chair around, her heart pounding. Bailey's voice floated to her ears.

"Go, talk to her. No, shut up and talk to her! You're the one who has been making puppy eyes at my intern for the past four months, so you damn well better go and see what she wants, you coward."

Despite herself, Meredith snickered, just as she heard the door to the conference room close, this made her stiffen.

"Meredith?" he called, softly.

"Stay there."

"Meredith-."

"I need to talk first." She took a deep breath, and wished that she could see his face, but this would be easier if she couldn't and if he could not see her. "We have a few options here: I can go to Boston, I got accepted at a hospital there and I can transfer. My mother could be moved, it wouldn't be good for her, but I think she'd be okay. You could go back to New York, with Addison, pretend that this never happened. We could al- both move on. Finally, we could both stay in Seattle and try to make this work. It's your choice. I'm not going to tell you which I prefer, but we need to move on, we've been in limbo too long Derek, we need to move on."

He took a deep breath. "Okay. But Meredith, why now? Why so suddenly?"

It was Meredith's turn to take a deep breath; she braced herself on the arms of the chair and stood. "Because," she said, turning to him, "I'm pregnant. And your wife knows." Derek's jaw dropped slightly as he looked at her. There was something in his eyes that she couldn't read, though it did not look like anger.

His eyes lingered on her belly before rising back up to her face. "Meredith," he said, in a quiet voice full of amazement. Then, as a wave of relief washed over her, his face broke out in a grin. He took a step towards her, his eyes never leaving her face, as if to say: is this okay? She nodded slightly and he closed the gap between them, pulling her to him. She held onto him for dear life, and he kissed her.

Her lips melded with his, and passionate sparks flew between them. "You're incredible," he whispered as he gazed into her eyes.

"I don't know about that," she said, pulling back from him and looking away. "We have to talk."

"Okay," he said, hoisting himself up onto the conference table. "Talk."

"You're married, Derek. To a really great woman who obviously loves you. You cannot just have me and this baby on the side, you have to choose. For real this time. Hey! Are you-? You are so not listening to me." She stepped closer to him, forcing him to meet her eyes instead of looking at her belly. "Staring at my stomach is not helping this whole talking thing."

'Isn't it?" he said, playfully, but he sobered up at the look she gave him. "Meredith, I hear you. We do have decisions to make, both of us. But just for now, can I be happy and proud of you?" he nudged her nose with his and she giggled.

"Okay," she said, kissing him and lacing her fingers with his. With his other hand he smoothed a piece of hair back behind her ear and then he smiled again, a smile that brought to his eyes more than words ever could. "You have a patient to see," she said. "We have a patient to see."

"You're my intern?" he asked, and for some reason his incredulous voice made her dissolve into laughter, and he followed.

"Come on," she said, when she could finally breathe. He slid off of the table and headed to the door, but he kept looking back at her with that smile. "Okay, Derek, one rule. Remember, there should be rules? Good. Rule one: no staring at me when you should be talking to a patient."

Derek sighed. "You just make my life so hard, you know that?"

She gently smacked his arm. "So who's this patient?"

They were just out in the hall when he turned and met her eyes, looking serious. "Well," he said, "I'd say you're pretty patient."

She had to tell him in the very conference room in which he had once contemplated divorcing Addison. There was some kind of crazy symbolism in that. Symbolism that he did not really want to think about, all he really wanted to do was watch her as she walked to the patient's room, a piece of hair flying into her eyes, her hips swaying in the way they did when she was happy. As she turned to enter the room he wondered how the hell he hadn't noticed it before, she was obviously pregnant. Suddenly something occurred to him.

"Meredith?" he asked, grabbing her arm, "The day you passed out?"

"Was the day I found out. Good afternoon Mr. Nelson, how are you today?"

Somehow he managed to talk to the patient, a man who had a subdural haematoma that needed immediate surgery, ask Meredith appropriate intern questions without giving her any significant looks and reassure the family completely coherently. He had no idea how he did it because his mind, the whole time, was thinking about how incredible it was that Meredith was having his baby, and that she had put up with him for this long.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, was Addison. He could not fool himself any longer, their relationship had been dying for a long time now. He had tried to do the right thing, but he had ended up hurting himself, Meredith and Addie in the process.

"Did the whole hospital know before me?" he asked Meredith, as they walked down the hall together to retrieve the patient's labs.

"No. I mean, Bailey and the other interns, but if any one else had it would have gone back to you. Can't really hide gossip around here, as I'm sure you know. If Debby had found out that would have been the end of all my careful planning."

"What about Joe?"

Surprisingly, Meredith glared at him. "I haven't been in Joe's. I know better."

"What? He serves water, soda…."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah. But I don't trust myself to order it."

"Mer-?"

"Labs for George Nelson?" the tech said, and Meredith grabbed them.

"Come on," she said brusquely, and he grabbed her arm, pulling her to him.

"Hey. Calm down. You're okay. I trust you, you're strong. And you're having our baby."

She smiled at him, and he has to smile back, he wanted to kiss her but wondered if doing so in the middle of the hospital hallway is such a brilliant idea. He wanted to take her hand as they walk back to the patient's room, but all he could do was lean over to her and whisper: "You're scrubbing in." This too made her smile. She was, after all, a surgeon.

In the OR he was used to the rest of his life going away, he had to be able to focus. He cut, sutured and closed, but as he did he was aware of Meredith watching him and could help but wonder what she was thinking. Was she afraid he'd leave her again? Did she know how much he loved her? It killed him to try to ignore her, killed him to yell at her. A part of him did love Addison, but that part was overcome now, by his love for Meredith.

When the surgery was over, so was Meredith's shift. He followed her to the locker room and simply watched her as she pulled her sweat pants and t-shirt out of her locker. She changed quickly, leaving on her bra and panties, not seeming to care when Alex or George came into the room, her eyes were locked with his the entire time. She paused in pulling down her t-shirt, putting a hand on her bare skin which protruded over her waist line.

He swallowed, before asking: "Is it kicking yet?"

She shook her head, and to his dismay this broke the spell that was on both of them, she let her shirt go and slammed her locker shut. "No. But it's still early." She put her purse over her arm and looked around the room. The only other people left there were Cristina and George who were both staring at them, but did not flinch when Meredith leaned over to kiss him.

He smiled and took her hand. "I'll come by when my shift is over. I may need asylum." It was the first time that they had spoken of Addison since that morning and she flinched visibly. "Don't worry," he soothed, running one finger over the top of her hand. "We're okay, Meredith. I promise."

She nodded and in a flash she was gone. He sat on the bench staring at a poster on the wall advertising the children's science museum.

He was not surprised to find Addison leaning against the nurse's station desk, waiting for him. He decided that he really did not want to have that battle yet, and so he headed to the elevator.

Izzie was flipping through a photo album that she had found in Meredith's attic when the front door opened. Meredith entered, and Izzie took one look at her face and checked the floor to make sure that Meredith was actually walking on it and not floating on air. The smile was one that she had not seen in months, not since Meredith's relationship with McDreamy was in full swing.

"You told him?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Meredith nodded and threw herself onto a chair, tossing her purse on the floor and sighing. "And?" Izzie asked, pulling a pillow onto her lap and crossing her legs. "I want details!"

"He-" Meredith sighed, putting her fingers to her lips. "He just--. I don't know. He's perfect." She grinned; a grin that Izzie thought could clearly be classified as 'ear-to-ear'. "God, I'm so happy. I don't know when I've ever been this happy before." She laughed aloud, but then, slowly her smile began to fade slightly.

"Izzie? Do I deserve this? I'm his mistress after all. I'm not a particularly good person. I mean, seriously, are people thinking that I deserve what I've gotten?"

"No one thinks that. Hell, I doubt if even she-of-the-salmon-scrubs thinks that. Meredith, you are an incredible person. You're going to be an amazing surgeon, you're great with kids, you baby-sit George-' Meredith laughed, and George, who had gotten home before Meredith and was sitting in the kitchen with a bowl of soup called out in protest.

Izzie got off the couch and went over to kneel by Meredith's chair. "You were there for me when I was not an easy person to be there for. Trust me, you deserve to be happy."

Meredith nodded. "Okay," she agreed.

"Good," Izzie said, standing up and heading to the couch. "Do me a favor, come over and tell me when this was taken."

Meredith got up and went to look at the photo album. "Where'd you get this?" she asked, pulling it onto her lap.

Izzie bit her lip. "The attic. You're mother is in the past so much I just thought it would be good if I had a better idea of what her past was like, you know? I know you told me not to go up there, and I'm sorry but you weren't home…." She trailed off, suddenly aware that Meredith was no longer hearing her. She was staring at the pictures a vague smile on her face.

"Meredith? What is it?"

Meredith licked her lips, her eyes never leaving the picture. "Nothing, it's just, I do remember being this happy. When I was four years old. My father must have convinced Mom that she needed a vacation, but I didn't know that, all I knew was that we were going somewhere. We flew to Florida during the second week of summer vacation and they'd surprised me. We spent two weeks at the beach in Daytona in a condo, somehow Mom managed not to work, and she took me out in the ocean. Dad taught me how to mini-golf. It seems like anyone else's typical vacation, but for me it was absolute bliss."

Izzie gazed at the picture of a little girl in the arms of the young woman who looked so much like Meredith, but was obviously her mother, and the smiles on both of their faces. They were identical to the one that Izzie had just seen on Meredith. But surely, that had not been the last time that Meredith had been so happy? It was over twenty-one years ago.

Izzie looked back at Meredith and was surprised to see that she really could see her mother in her, once she had thought that Meredith must be the exact opposite of the work-oriented Ellis Grey, now that she had spent more time with the woman herself she wondered. There was a soft side to Ellis; that Izzie was sure that Meredith rarely saw.

"I'll take these to her, maybe she'll remember."

To Izzie's surprise Meredith's face suddenly turned dark and she slammed the album shut. "No. Don't bother. She never talked about that trip. I used to want to go back, for my sixth birthday, my seventh, but I gave up. Right about the time I realized that my father was never going to come to my birthday parties. She wouldn't want to be reminded of it."

She stood up and disappeared down the hallway, in a moment Izzie heard the door to her room slam. She turned to George, who was leaning on the doorway, "Hormones?" he guessed.

Izzie shook her head. "I'm not sure that Ellis Grey is the only one who doesn't like to be reminded of that vacation." She looked back to the picture and sighed. Her own relationship with her mother had never been perfect, but there was never this much bitterness. Her mother thought that Izzie acted superior to everyone back in there hometown, but whenever Izzie called her mother seemed happy to hear from her.

Meredith did not have that luxury.

Cristina went with Burke to his follow-up appointment with Shepard on the day that McDreamy found out about Meredith's pregnancy. The tremors were still there, but Burke seemed to be managing the day-to-day tasks that had given him trouble at the beginning. He was beginning to say things like: "When I go back to the hospital" or "When I'm cutting again".

Cristina didn't want to be paranoid, but she worried about what effect it would have on him if he did not get well enough to cut. Burke sat on the exam table looking annoyed at falling into the role of patient. They had sat there for at least fifteen minutes when Cristina closed the magazine that she was trying to read.

"Where is he?" Burke asked, sounding annoyed.

"I don't know," Cristina said evasively, Burke turned to her.

"Oh, you know."

"Well…. Cloud nine might have something to do with it."

"She told him?" Burke raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Apparently the She-Shepard found out and she had to. They're both, like floating, it's pathetic really."

"How's Addison taking it?"

It was just like Burke to be concerned about McDreamy's wife. Cristina was more worried about Meredith, since Shepard wasn't always the best at telling all sides of things, but the look on Meredith's face all day gave her hope that maybe this time he wasn't being an ass.

The man himself entered a few seconds after Burke's question, and so Cristina did not have a chance to answer. Shepard looked sickeningly happy. "Good afternoon, Preston, how are you doing?"

"Not as good as you, or that's what I hear."

Shepard grinned. "So you know?"

"Yeah. Congratulations."

"Thanks. Let's get on with this exam, shall we?"

There was something about Shepard's mannerisms that made Cristina worry, and this time not about Burke. She watched as he preformed the usual exam on Burke, testing reflexes and strength. He sat back on the rolling stool when the exam was over and looked at them.

"Okay. There has been improvement, vast improvement that makes me think that things can still improve. Now, there is a chance that I could go in surgically to see if there is anything else I can do. You're progressing so well that I think that it would be successful .Probably we'd do an awake surgery. I'm not promising anything, since I did as much as I could last time. However, there remains the possibility that I could do more."

Burke nodded slowly. "Can I have time to think about it?"

"Of course. There's a window, but it's a fairly large one."

Cristina felt like jumping up and telling Burke that he had to do this, but she could not. It was his decision. His life. Shepard stood to leave, but Cristina followed him out of the room.

"Don't screw with her," she said, as soon as the door was closed.

"You don't waste any time."

"I'm serious. She was really, seriously, getting over you. She gave up a fairly healthy relationship to go back to the dysfunction that you put into her life."

"Meredith's a big girl; she can make her own decisions."

"I know that. But can you?" she glared at the man, her boss who she really shouldn't be speaking to this way. She shifted. "Look, all I'm saying is that it's not just her that you'd be hurting this time, it's her and the baby. You don't want to do that, look what it did to Meredith. I mean she turned out okay, obviously, but you know. Just be careful." She stared at him for a long minute and then went back into the exam room to a rather confused Burke.

Cristina sighed and then smiled. "Come on, let's go home."

He had a brooding look on his face and she sunk back into the chair. "Okay. This is a big deal, I know." Cristina suddenly had a thought back to a time when she was about thirteen before a particularly big horse show. Her stepfather had forced her out of the practice track and out to the movies. She hadn't wanted to go, but getting her mind off of it had helped in the end, she had gotten first in the show.

"Let's go." She held out her hand and grabbed is.

"Where?"

"To the movies, to get ice cream. Something, some place that's not here. We're not going to think about this yet, or at least I'm not. Let's just do something."

"Are you sleeping with Shepard too and trying to distract me? Because you're acting that strange."

Cristina rolled her ryes and pulled him towards the elevator. "Yeah, right. Do I look self-destructive to you?"

Burke laughed and allowed himself to be led off of the elevator and outside to the car.

The ended up at an ice-cream parlor, and Cristina thought briefly of her mother when she ordered a two-scoop chocolate cone. Burke got a shake, and she laughed when he ended up with a pure white mustache.

They talked about a lot of things, but none of them had anything to do with the hospital with the exception of gossip. Doctors were horrible gossipers, because they spent whole days only with each other. On the way home Cristina flipped on the CD that he had left in the car ages ago, one that she never listened to but he loved. She wasn't really one for classical music.

But it made Burke smile. She was surprised to see that that was what mattered to her the most.

"So, Derek, I take it that this little charade is over?"

"What charade, Addison? I always thought that charades were fun, this hasn't been fun. We've been fooling ourselves."

"I suppose so. But really, I'm curious, have you been sleeping with her the whole time? Because if so, she lied to me a while back."

"No. it was just once, Addison. That once was all it took. We both know that you and I just weren't going to work."

"What is it Derek, is it that she's giving you what I never could?"

"Addie. No. That's not it; you know that never bothered me. I've known for months now that we weren't going to work, but I didn't want to put you through this if-.."

"If you weren't going to be happy?"

"No. if there wasn't a good reason. And there is. I love her. I love you, Addie, but we're not happy any more. We haven't been for a long time."

"You're right. I know. I've known, you love her. She loves you. It just hurts me, that's all."

"If I could do this without hurting you, Addie, I would, I'm sorry."

"I know…. But it's not enough Derek. I can't blame you, I can't blame her. I'd love to yell at both of you, but I'm not stupid enough to cause her distress at this point in her pregnancy… damn it. And I love you too much. I just…." She sighed. "I just wish I could go back. Because this is, in the end, all my fault."

"It's not. You won't believe me, but I know it's not. I'm going to go now, Addison. Okay?"

"Yeah. Go. Just go. You're good at that…. Sorry. Go to her, I'll be all right. "

"Okay. Good-bye Addison."

Meredith lay on her back on her bed staring up at the ceiling with her hands on her stomach. She shouldn't have yelled at Izzie. It wasn't really Izzie she was mad at, she knew, she was just on emotional overdrive. The day had happened so fast, with the fear of Addison knowing, to Derek's elation and then the reminder of a time when her childhood had been happy. She didn't want her baby to have just that one moment to remember years later, one that was tinged with pain.

She wouldn't be her mother, couldn't be her mother. You know what to avoid, she told herself, you know how it feels. Still there was that nagging part of her that was afraid that she would be exactly like her.

It was late, and Meredith was attempting to sleep, but as soon as she drifted off she would wake up either elated or terrified. She screamed into her pillow, annoyed at her inability to sleep after such a stressful day, but there was also the excitement within her at the thought that Derek was coming by as soon as his shift was over. All of this was not boding well for her getting any sleep.

Somewhere around midnight there was a light tap on the door, "Mer? You awake?" Izzie called.

Meredith debated not answering, but she wasn't mad at Izzie and didn't want to deal with it if Izzie thought she was. The silence had pressed in on her for so long that it was difficult for her to force her voice to make a sound. "Mmhmm," she called.

"You okay? I'm sorry if I upset you earlier."

"It's okay, don't worry about it," Meredith called, genuinely.

"Okay. Good night."

"'Night Izzie." Meredith slid her hand down her stomach and there was suddenly a flutter against her hand. "Oh my god! Izzie, come here!"

The door opened quickly, "Meredith, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Come here." She grabbed Izzie's hand and placed it against the spot. Izzie grinned.

"Awesome, Mer."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. Awesome. Good night, Izzie."

"Good night."

Izzie left the room and closed the door; Meredith rolled over and finally managed to sleep.

There was a knock at the door that drew her out of sleep far too early for her to believe it. She rolled over to face the clock and squinted at it. 6:30. the time didn't really register with her, however, as she called for whomever it was to come in. There was a rustling and the knob turned to reveal Derek. He looked disheveled, with his hair in disarray as it often was after a shift, and his coat still on. In his arms were a large brown paper bag and two cardboard cups of coffee.

"Hey," she murmured, shifting so that there was room for him on the bed and pushing herself up on her pillows.

"Hey yourself," he said, sitting on the end of the bed and pulling a bag of bagels out of the bag. He handed her one of the cups of coffee, which she blew on gently before she sipped it. She wasn't quite awake enough to realize that he was really there.

"Thanks," she said, putting a hand behind her head.

"You're so not awake," he observed, leaning forward to push a lock of her hair out of her eyes.

"No," she agreed, taking his hand in hers. "But I better not be dreaming."

He laughed and put the bagels on the floor, and took the coffee from her hand, placing it on the bedside table. "Well then, there's no need to be awake." He kicked off his shoes and lay down next to her, his arms around her. She rolled to face him and ran her hands around his cheeks.

"Hey," she said suddenly, grabbing his hand and placing it on her belly just as she felt a flutter against her stomach. She quickly pressed it against the spot and smiled. He seemed to be barely awake as well, and she knew that he was even more exhausted than she, but a huge smile came over his face. His eyes flickered open and he moved towards her just enough to catch her lips with his.

Just as he drifted off to sleep she found herself perfectly awake. She watched him for a while; his eyes flickering in sleep, his hair tussled over his eyes, a light dusting of stubble on his cheeks. He was perfect, and his hand was still against his stomach. With one hand she reached for her cell phone on her bedside table, careful not to knock over the coffee.

She pushed a button and when Cristina answered, said, "There's a boy in my bed."

"Meredith are you-?"

"It's Derek. The father of my child is actually in my bed. Life is good."

She flipped the phone closed and slid down to snuggle up against Derek with a happy sigh.

A/N Mer/Der goodness! So, oh my gosh guys thank you for all the incredible reviews! I'm in total disbelief! This was the longest chapter so far, but I think my favorite. They're just so cute together….