Chapter Nine

Cristina raced to the bedroom tossing her phone onto the coffee table. She didn't know what to expect, she could not read the tone of Burke's yell, so she ran. She skidded to a halt in the bedroom and saw Burke sitting on the side of the bed, buttoning his shirt. He grinned at him and watched his hands as he slipped each small button through its hole.

She stared at him, stared at his once-nimble fingers as they struggled with the task, but managed it. Without shaking. He wasn't trembling. He buttoned the last button and held out a steady hand. After a moment there is a brief tremor, but he holds it still again. She looked up at his face and saw that he was grinning. All that she could do at first was stare; until she threw herself onto the bed and kissed him.

They lay together, and since she could not bring herself to undo all of his hard work they made love with his shirt still on. His hands explored her entire body, steadily, methodically.

"Should we call the chief?" she asked, smiling at him. "Shepard?"

"No," he said, grinning back at her, his eyes filled with happiness. "Let's just wait. Let's just keep it our secret, for today."

"Okay," she whispered into his shoulder. "Okay."

Izzie wondered if she had ever felt so self-conscious in her life. She left early in the morning, before George, before anyone was up. She drove herself to the hospital and changed into scrubs in the empty locker room. Her lab-coat felt strange, the scrubs felt strange, but somehow they felt right. She stared at herself in the mirror, and memories swam around her. The months she spent as an intern had been the best and worst of her life. It felt as if no time had passed, but it obviously had.

Denny was gone. Meredith was pregnant. Time had definitely passed. Suddenly, startling her, the door opened and in the mirror she could see Alex. He looked tired, annoyed, and his eyes opened widely when he saw her. She spun around to face him, smiling so hard that her cheeks hurt. For just a moment she was afraid that he would be angry that she had not said anything to him about coming back.

She forgot that as soon as he took her in his arms and spun her around. She laughed as he put her back on the ground. "Izzie," he breathed. "You're back."

"I'm back," she repeated. "I'm back."

The locker room suddenly began to fill up. They were the residents now, watching the new interns find their bearings. The gossip started, and Izzie very clearly heard the words 'Shepard' and 'L-VAD' but she did not really care.

She made her way to the maternity ward, in search of Dr. Montgomary. She still hadn't discussed this fact of her residency with Meredith. She figured that it did not really matter, and surely this had already dawned on her friend.

The doctor was waiting for her at the nurses' station. "Okay, Dr. Stevens, has anyone explained how this is going to work to you?"

Izzie shook her head and suddenly she was nervous. "Not exactly," she said, fingering her stethoscope.

"Okay, well, since you missed the last six months of your internship, you are technically not qualified for residency. Therefore, I will be treating you very much like an intern. You'll be responsible for my scut work, but you will also be allowed to have freer reign with minor surgeries, post-op and pre-op. How does that sound?"

"It sounds all right," Izzie said cautiously. The word 'surgery' still made her nervous, but she was determined to get on with it, to get over it.

"Okay, good. Now, go round on my post-ops and you can use your own judgments on discharges." Izzie nodded, taking the armful of charts that Addison handed her and turned to head for the patient's rooms.

As soon as she walked into the first room she worried that she had made a mistake. The patient was young, just a girl who had polycystic-ovarian syndrome. She was maybe fifteen, and there was so much life in her. Life that could be torn away from her at any moment, with one wrong cut. Izzie wasn't strong enough, she couldn't be strong enough.

But then, the girl put down her copy of "Seventeen Magazine" and smiled up at Izzie. "Are you my new doctor?" she asked. "Dr. Montgomary said she was getting a resident."

Izzie took a breath. 'Yup, that's me! How are you today, Jillian?"

"I'm okay. I'm ready to get out of here."

"I'll bet you are, let's see about that, okay?" Izzie said, and proceeded to examine the girl. Unfortunately the nurse's notes revealed that she had spiked a fever the night before and Izzie regretfully told her that she'd have to stay another day.

Jillian's face clouded over. "But, tomorrow's my brother's eighteenth birthday; I promised him I'd be home."

Izzie felt her heart go out the vulnerable looking child, but she told herself not to get involved. "I'm sorry to hear that. Blame it on me, okay?"

The girl smiled and nodded, and Izzie went onto her next patient. That was all. She spent the morning that way, going case to case. It wasn't easy, but she did it. At lunch she nervously went to the table where Alex and George were sitting. She put down her salad and smiled at them. Their conversation stopped for just a moment.

"Hey, Izz," George said. "Guess what? I'm scrubbing in on an open-heart surgery today and Dr. Hahn said I can do almost the whole procedure on my own!"

"That's great, George!" Izzie said, grinning at him.

"The plastic attending is freaking Paris Hilton," Alex grumbled. "She's good, but she's freaking annoying."

"Good in surgery, right Dr. Karev?" Izzie teased.

"Of course, Dr. Stevens," he retorted, grinning at her. Dr. Stevens. That was her.

"Who's with Mer?" she asked suddenly. It was weird not to have Meredith with them.

"Burke, I think," George said.

Alex snorted. "I'm sure Grey's loving that."

"Hey! Burke's a great guy," George protested.

"Yeah, but Burke and Grey? Seriously."

Izzie had to admit Alex had a point. Still, Meredith had been going rather stir-crazy, maybe Dr. Burke's calm would rub off on her. Here's hoping, she thought as her pager went off. Emergency C-Section and she was going to scrub in. The excitement that filled her proved it: this was what she was supposed to be doing.

Meredith sat on the couch staring at Derek who had just deigned to inform her that he was going to the hospital. To work. On the day that her father was coming. Added to this, her Meredith-sitter for the day wouldn't be Izzie or George, but Alex, who was sitting on a chair watching the tableau before him with a very amused expression.

"I'm sorry, but I have a kid who needs a shunt replaced ASAP and a guy post-op who just had bits of a wire fence taken out of his head. You'll be fine."

"Seriously?" Meredith said, incredulously. "You're seriously leaving me?"

"No, actually, I'm going to work. Leaving you and going to work are completely different things."

"Is this funny to you, Derek?"

Derek knelt down in front of her, a purely McDreamy look on his face, so Meredith attempted to avoid his eyes. She wasn't going to be swayed by his McDreaminess. "Meredith, this isn't funny to me. But you know what? I think that it'll be better for you if I'm not here."

Meredith considered this for a moment and then nodded. "Okay. You're right. I guess."

"Good." He kissed her and headed for the door.

When it had closed behind him, Meredith turned to Alex. "I really, really don't want to do this," she moaned, falling back on the couch in what could only be described as a dramatic pose.

"I know," Alex said seriously, which surprised Meredith and made her look up. "But you won't regret it. I hate my old man, you know that, but if I could talk to him, I'd do it."

"I've tried it once already," Meredith pointed out. "And then I slept with George. If I were you I'd get out of here."

Alex snorted. "How about I be the one guy around here you haven't slept with? I think Izzie might get annoyed."

"Sounds good," Meredith smiled at him. "So, are you two serious?"

Alex squirmed, and Meredith smirked. "She's not ready for serious-serious. But who knows…" Before Meredith could interrogate him more the doorbell rang.

"Shit." Meredith said simply, and attempted to sit up and look as if she weren't dreading this. She had attempted to dress nicely in what she could make fit, and she had brushed her hair out, pulled it back. She didn't look as if she had spent the past three weeks lounging about the house in torn up Dartmouth T-shirts at least.

"You ready?" Alex asked, but went to get the door without waiting for an answer. And then, he was there: her father, standing in the doorway of the living room as if twenty years had not passed. Meredith was vaguely aware of Alex kissing her on the forehead and telling her to "yell if she needed anything".

She knew that she was staring, but she could not help it, because in her head she had become five years old again. It was seeing him in this setting, in this house that caused it. She fought a vague urge to run to him, as she had on so many days when he got back from work. It was strange, like being caught in a time-warp.

"Meredith," he said quietly, stepping into the room, and that broke the spell. Meredith was in the present again, and all of the wounds that had been haphazardly sewn up are slowly opening again.

"Hi," she said, feeling awkward. "Um…. Sit down."

He did, and she could see that there was slowness to the way that he moved. "You look well," he commented and she stared at him blankly.

"Thank you… so…. So do you." Polite conversation. She was somewhat amazed at her capacity to make it, but she was not sure what she was thanking him for. She shifted uncomfortably, and he leaned forward in his seat to speak to her. She sat back, preparing herself for whatever he was going to say, her hand holding on to the arm of the couch tightly.

"Meredith…. When your fiancé came to see me, well, I began to realize that I really do want to know you. You must have heard that when I was up at Seattle Grace with my daughter. I talked to that friend of yours, Dr. O'Malley…. I don't know what to tell you Meredith, just that I want to know you. I know that you think that I abandoned you—"

Suddenly Meredith's voice came back to her. "I think you abandoned me? I think? Even when I tried to reach out for you, you didn't want to have anything to do with me!"

"Meredith that's not true. Let me finish, please. I was afraid. I had a good life; I didn't want to rock the boat. But you, you were never really the reason for any of it. You were what kept me hanging on for so long. I thought about you constantly, Meri."

The nickname made Meredith's breath catch. No one had called her that in years. She had had a boyfriend that tried to, but she wouldn't let him. It had been her father's name for her, and she had almost forgotten it. Almost.

"I'm proud of you. It may seem like nothing, but I am. A surgeon, and one of the best in your year. And… taking care of your mother. Richard told me… that she's not doing well."

"No," Meredith sighed. "She's not."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I did love her, you know. I loved both of you. Sometimes though, love isn't enough."

Meredith thought about that, about the fact that Addison so obviously loved Derek, the way Izzie loved Denny. Sometimes love wasn't enough. But sometimes it was. Sometimes the right people did end up together. After a long, hard road. Then, she knew. She would have much less of a chance of hurting herself if she just admitted what she wanted, instead of just trying to hurt the man sitting in front of her.

"You're right," she said, cautiously. "Sometimes love isn't enough. It wasn't enough for you and mom. It wasn't enough for Derek and his wife. But it's enough for Derek and me…." She trailed off, afraid to speak and not knowing exactly what to say. "But…. I want my baby to have a grandfather. And I always wanted to really know my father,' she smiled, just a little at him. "It won't be easy."

"It won't be easy," he agreed. "I know I hurt you, and I didn't want to. But it was a long time before I was really thinking clearly again after she took you. By then I was involved with my wife. I'm sorry, Meri. Truly sorry."

"I know," Meredith said. "That doesn't make it better." She sighed, and looked down at the engagement ring that Derek had placed on her finger. "But it helps."

"Good. Well then… I should be going. I don't want to tire you out. I'll come back. That is, if you want me to."

Meredith nodded. "I would." He headed towards the door, but she found herself calling out to him. "Daddy? I'm sorry I—I mean I guess I shouldn't call--- it's just…. Do you remember that vacation we took? To the beach?"

His face softened and he smiled. "Yes, I do. That was one of the good times. I'm glad, that you remember it. That at least you had that."

"Yeah. It kept me from hating…. Well, everything. You, Mom, myself. Because I knew we could be happy. We can be happy."

He came over to the couch and took Meredith's hand in his. "That's right," he agreed. "We can be happy." He smiled at her and headed toward the door and she imagined getting that smile at so many times over the years when she wanted her mother's approval. When she got good grades, when she won a swim meet, when she was Valedictorian, when she graduated from college, when she went to med school. So many times over the years that her mother just did not have the time for her daughter and Meredith wondered if her father would have cared.

He did. He would have. Knowing this so many years later was almost too much. As soon as the door closed Meredith began to cry, hard. The kind of crying that made her breath catch, when she could hardly breathe. All of the years of pain and of wondering were coming back to her and she could not think. Alex came into the room, sitting next to her but not saying a word. He was just there while she sobbed.

Every day upon entering the hospital, Derek thanked God that Meredith wasn't there. Not that he didn't want her there: he hated leaving her at home, and the pitiful look she gave him this morning almost made him stay there with her. The looks of the nurses and other doctors, however, were the reason that he was glad she was at home on the couch surrounded by her friends and ordering cute baby clothes off of eBay.

He was just fine with being the one who the scrub nurses gave raised eyebrows to, the one dodging Addison in the hallways. His hope was that by the time Meredith had the baby that the gossip would have died down, because Meredith had dealt with enough gossip to last anyone else a lifetime.

He could feel eyes watching him as he walked down the hallway, but he didn't care. He carried himself with as much confidence as ever as he headed towards his next patient's room. The new interns had had their first day of rounds and he entered the room to find Dr. Heron and her new group of residents.

"Good morning all. How are you today Daniel?" he asked the small boy in the hospital bed who was looking obviously nervous at the crowd of interns around him.

"'m good, Dr. Shepard." The boy answered and Derek smiled at him before nodding at a nervous looking young intern standing at the head of the bed.

"Um… Daniel Taylor, age seven, admitted yesterday for scheduled surgery to replace brain shunt required due to hydrocephalus brought on by spina bifida. Vitals were stable overnight and everything seems okay for the surgery. That is scheduled."

"Good." Derek said and the intern flushed with pride. "Okay, Dr…. Ferguson, you're on the case. Thank you Dr. Heron."

"Always glad to help, Dr. Shepard!" replied the overly-peppy resident who was herding the rest of her interns out of the room.

"So then, Daniel, where's your mom?" Derek asked, shining his penlight into the child's brown eyes.

"She went home to take a shower. She and Daddy are going to come back 'afore the surgery."

"Okay. Now, you understand what's going to happen, right buddy?"

The boy nodded. "Yeah. You'll put me to sleep, fix my shunt, and I'll go home tomorrow. Same as always."

"You've had this done before?" the intern interjected and then flushes.

"Dr. Ferguson," Derek asked, closing up the boy's chart, "Can you tell me the main reasons for the replacement of a hydrocephalus shunt?"

"Disconnection, blockage or outgrowing…" she trailed off.

"Good. Now, can you tell me, has Daniel had a growth spurt recently?" he handed over the chart and the intern flipped through it frantically. Derek glanced around the room, seeing the child-sized wheelchair and the metal crutches leaning against it. Then he turned back to the grinning boy.

"Oh. Yes. I see."

"There you go then. I think Daniel was three the last time the shunt had to be replaced, is that right?"

The little boy nodded. "I cried then, but I'm bigger now, I won't cry."

Derek ruffled the child's hair. "Well I can't say anyone would blame you if you did," he said, and then got up to go the door, the intern following him.

"Dr. Ferguson?" he said, as he watched the nervous looking girl go down the hall.

"Yes sir?"

"Good work in there." the intern smiled, nodded and went on her way.

Why was it that this year's interns all seemed so much younger than Meredith and her roommates, with whom Derek had spent so much time?

He was thinking about that as he saw Dr. Bailey turn the corner. "Bailey!" he called. "Missing your interns?"

"Like I'd miss a bullet through my head," she replied flipping open a chart. "Besides, how can you miss what's haunting you?" she added, as Cristina Yang ran past them.

"Yeah. Haunting you," Derek repeated, thinking of the little boy in the hospital bed.

"Shepard, you okay?"

"The boy I'm operating on today, he has spina bifida. I'm fine. I just—just realized…"

To his surprise, Bailey reached out and put a hand on his arm. "You and Grey can handle it. Hell, you're like a kid magnet, and she's like a kid. You'll be fine."

Derek smiled. "Yeah. You're right. Nervous pack of interns this year, huh?" he said, trying to change the subject.

Bailey looked over the chart she was reaching and smirked at him. "Nervous around you, yeah. They're afraid you pick an intern to screw just like you pick one to scrub in."

Derek looked at her, aghast. "Seriously?"

"Would I lie?"

"That's-that's… actually hilarious," he decided, before bursting into laughter. If only they knew the problems that could ensue. The problems, and the benefits, of course; he thought as he thought of Meredith and the child that they would have soon.

Meredith wanted to hide. She didn't want to be in the living room in plain view when everyone was coming home, looking at her nervously, wondering how things had gone with her father. But she also thought it might be just the littlest bit awkward to ask Alex to take her upstairs, so she sat there, waiting. Alex was still there, sitting on the couch next to her. George came in first and saw them sitting there. Meredith attempted to smile at him, but somehow she couldn't. But he didn't say a word, he came over and sat on her other side.

Izzie came next, and Alex stood up for her, offering her his seat before sitting on the floor just in front of the couch. They sat in silence, and when Derek came in he looked at them curiously for a moment, and then went upstairs. She knew that he understood.

"He's my father. I don't understand it. I should hate him. I did hate him. But now… he's my father. He wants to be my father."

"Of course he does," George said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You're great, Mer. Why wouldn't he want to know you?"

Meredith shrugged. She didn't know, really, all that she knew was that was what she was used to. She was the disgrace, after all. Even before she was the one whispered about at family reunions she had thought that. She had heard her parents fight about her, late at night when she was supposed to be asleep. She had never been good enough. Was it possible that all of her work to change that was finally paying off?

It was weird for her to think that. She looked at her friends sitting, silently, comfortingly around her, thought of Derek upstairs waiting for her to need him. Maybe she was worth it. Maybe.

"I don't want to think about it now, guys, okay?" she said, softly.

"Sure," Izzie said. George ran a hand over Meredith's hair and stood up to go make dinner. Alex pulled Izzie off of the couch and she could hear them laughing in the hallway. A few minutes later, Derek came back downstairs and sat down next to her. She leaned against him.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

"Making me believe." He didn't ask what she believed in and she didn't volunteer. They just sat there together, his hand in hers. She had a sudden feeling that things would not be so peaceful for long, but she told herself that that was just her paranoia speaking.

"The interns are afraid of me," he said after a few moments, and she sat up, turning to him in amusement.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Afraid you'll impregnate them, putting their careers in danger and hogging the covers?"

"I do not hog the covers," he said, stroking her hair. "And yes, something like that. I suppose that once you come back they'll realize that my fiancée is a force to be reckoned with."

Meredith smiled. She liked hearing him say that. 'Fiancée'. It had a definite ring to it.

That evening, Izzie went to visit Meredith's mother, but just before she left Meredith called to her. "Hey Izz? Do you still have that photo album?"

Izzie bit her lip. "Um…. No, actually. I took it to your mom and she wanted to keep it with her. I can get it if you want."

"Oh. No. That's fine." Meredith said in surprise. She didn't have time to dwell on this, however, Derek and George were returning from their expedition into the attic (having dragged Alex along) and were attempting to disassemble, lug, and then reassemble a crib in the bedroom they had decided to make into the baby's room, and Meredith was determined to watch the show.

Derek took her up the stairs and she sat in the rocking chair that they had already moved up there to watch the three men and their attempts to be macho. She held a battered teddy bear in her lap, one that Derek had found in the crib and that she had faint memories of and laughed as George nearly put his own eye out with a screwdriver.

None of them heard Callie come home, and Meredith almost died laughing when the other woman marched into the room grabbed the screwdriver from George and proceeded to attach the sliding rail to the crib with several quick moves. Alex seemed to be the most offended by this; he sat back on his heels and glared at Callie for a full five minutes before putting together the changing table single handedly.

Derek came over to where Meredith was sitting and leaned down to whisper in her ear, "Whenever you smile like that I fall just a little bit more in love with you." She blushed and turned her head up to kiss him.

Something made her reluctant to leave the nursery that night. She sat in the rocking chair long after the rest of the house was quiet, and almost didn't notice Izzie come in. She was carrying a mug of hot chocolate, which she silently offered to Meredith who took it, gazing at the dark room.

"Does she talk about me?" she asked Izzie, as the other woman sank to the floor, leaning against the crib.

"Sometimes."

Meredith nodded sipping the steaming hot chocolate. "I know she loves me," she told Izzie defensively. "Growing up wasn't all bad…. There were times, you know, when she and I got along pretty well and it was obvious that she did love me. I was afraid of thunderstorms, and she used to let me sleep with her if it were really loud. There were just so many times when she wasn't there to care."

Izzie looked at her, pulling her knees to her chest. "You're afraid of doing the same thing, aren't you?" she asked softly. Meredith nodded. "You won't. You're driven, Mer, but I think you're more willing to make the sacrifices. There are two of you, also, and there's a daycare in the hospital now. Plus you have all of us, and if we can you-sit I think we can baby-sit." Meredith laughed. "You're going to be fine, Mer. Promise."

"Okay," Meredith replied. "You know, Izz, you're very convincing. Probably why the patients like you."

"Oh, I don't know. I had one today who was convinced I was just a Barbie brought to life, but she was kind of a bitch."

Meredith laughed and stood up from the rocker. "They can be. I miss it. Derek said he had a kid in there today. I always feel bad for the kids stuck in the hospital."

"Yeah. Well, anyway, good night Mer."

"Good night Izzie. And Izzie? Thanks, for everything, for seeing my mom, for watching out for me. I know I'm whiny and obnoxious, so thanks."

"Mer? Seriously? It kind of gave me a purpose for a while. I needed that."

Addison Montgomary often wondered if she was clinically insane. She never told anyone this, just thought about it off-handedly. Usually it was when she thought about cheating on Derek with Mark, or the fact that one of her patients was her husband's mistress. Then of course there was the indisputable fact that she did not hate said mistress. As a matter of fact she saw Meredith as a highly competent, classy surgeon who just happened to have bad luck when it came to choosing men.

There was just something inside of her that seethed with bitterness when she saw this woman lying on the exam table with Addison's husband's child inside of her, smiling as she watched the moving sonogram. Izzie was doing the sonogram, and there was something about the way the two of them talked happily about the baby and then glanced over at Addison that bothered her. Not that she showed them. Izzie needed to be happy, she had just come back and she was doing well. And Meredith, well she was seven months pregnant with a baby that needed her to stay relaxed.

It is only that that kept Addison from flying off of the handle. Or maybe not. It was also that she recognized this happiness. She once had it, with the same man, but when she saw Meredith head towards Derek who was on call and thus lingered by the nurses' station, she saw the look in his eyes. It was one of pure devotion and Addison didn't recognize that. She wasn't sure that he had ever given her that look.

Soulmates. She had thought that she and Derek were soulmates, but maybe she had been wrong. Maybe she needed eleven years to see that, even if they may have been in love, they weren't right. Either way, now she was feeling like an observer against the rest of the world.

She could not help but be fixated by Derek and Meredith. Derek placed one of his hands on Meredith's belly and laughed. Meredith grinned back, and then George appeared in his street clothes and a wheelchair to take Meredith to the car, so she could go home. Addison knew that her patient (because it was easiest to think of Meredith like this) was not unaware of the stares that followed her as George wheeled her to the elevator.

Addison did regret that. It wasn't Meredith's fault that she had fallen for someone who was married, Addison did not even blame her for the pregnancy or the fact that Addison's husband had left her. Who Addison blamed was entirely Derek. And herself. But it was easiest to blame Derek. He was watching her, only after the elevator doors closed on Meredith, but he was still watching her. And damn it, she had to go over to the nurses' station to return Meredith's chart.

She opened the chart and began to review what she had seen on the sonogram. No change in the opening, it indicated moderate spina bifida, easily operable after birth. There was a greater chance of the baby surviving now, and Meredith seemed to be doing well. All of this information she should have been imparting to Derek, but she couldn't. She could only flip the chart closed and hand it to Nurse Debby.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked her quietly under the guise of signing a lab request form.

"No, Derek. Just like Meredith wasn't okay when you chose me. But I'll get over it. It is okay, Derek. You did what you had to do. But I need you to leave me alone. Okay?" Addison said, resenting the pleading tone that came into her voice.

"Okay," he said, simply. Then he walked away. He walked away and even though she knew that that was what had to happen she felt her knees weaken just a little. It was this that gave her the courage to go into the on-call room and open up her cell phone.

She did not expect an answer. She fully expected to be able to leave a pitiful message that she would never get a response to and it would be easier that way.

"Hello? Dr. Sloan speaking."

"Mark…. It's me."

"Addie?"

"Can I talk for a minute? You are fully able to hate me, but I need to talk. To someone. He left me. Meredith's pregnant with his baby, he left me, he cheated on me. And I have to stand here and take it because I have residents to train, and a job to keep. And this woman? I like her. She's got potential. And he's happy. That used to be all I ever wanted. So I'm here, grinning and bearing it. Just like I did before in New York. But there's a difference. I don't have you there, to listen. To love me. Now I know how it feels, and I'm sorry that I let you go." She took a deep breath. "That's all. You can hang up now."

"No. I'm not going to hang up, Addison. I'm not just going to let you go like that. Now, I know that by all rights I should just hang up and say 'good bye' but I won't. Because, I love you. I'll come down there. I'll arrange a transfer."

"But Mark, you love New York," Addison protested albeit feebly.

"I love you more."

As soon as he said this Addison began to cry.

A/N Review please! Just so I know that people are still reading this! Babyness next chapter!