BK

"I-I can't. I'm not ready."

I really want to cry right now. Or maybe strangle the blond underneath me. Or be a drama queen and storm out of the house so that, maybe, he'll feel bad. But, I don't do any of those things. Instead, I let out a long disappointed slash sexually frustrated sigh. He has got to be kidding me.

"What?"

"I-I'm sorry - - I just…can't."

Why the hell does he sound like he's about to cry? I'm the one who should be in tears right now. But I can't make him have sex with me. I'm not into the whole forcing thing. Unless…he wants me to be forceful but I know that that is totally not the case. I rest my forehead against his letting out another sigh. "It's alright, Sunshine." Even though it's not. I'm gonna be horny all night now. His legs fall off from around my waist and I take this as my queue to get off of him so, and quite sadly I might add, I do.

But I don't get off the bed.

"Br-Brian?"

I turn over so that I'm facing him.

He looks like he has committed the worst crime on the planet.

In a way – he has.

"I really am-"

"It's alright – really."

Not really. I'm so hard right now. He bites at his bottom lip making himself look like the sorriest person on the planet, which, strangely, makes me even harder. Offering the best smile that I can at a moment like this, I move closer to him and press my mouth against his. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer to my body, really having no intent on having sex with him since he made it clear that he wasn't ready but, at least, he was letting me make out with him.

"I-I'm just scared."

"Well, I guess we're all a little scared our first time."

He leans over and kisses me, long and slow before pulling back. His arms stay wrapped around me and a few minutes later he's asleep looking considerably better than he had a minute ago. I try to go to sleep. But…that's really hard when all you have in your mind are dirty images that keep you hard all night.

But, somehow, eventually - - I fall asleep too.

JT

I feel like such a pathetic little virgin.

Christ – I am a pathetic little virgin!

I try to get dressed without waking him up 'cause I'm really not ready to face him yet. Not after me being…like I was last night. Plus, he looks really peaceful when he's sleeping. Beautiful, even, though I don't think I could tell him that. So, I stop moving around for clothes to change into and get out my sketchbook instead and grab a pencil.

And, like anytime I start drawing something that inspires me, I'm in another world.

A "Beautiful Brian Kinney" kinda a world.

I don't know how long I've been drawing but when his eyes finally open I snap my sketchbook shut before he can realize what, exactly, I am doing. He probably wouldn't mind that I was drawing him, but…I'm not exactly sure of that either. It takes him a few minutes to actually be awake and when he is awake my heart starts to pound. He wasn't exactly pissed last night but he might be pissed now. He watches me for a minute, neither of saying anything and I'm relieved to see that he doesn't look pissed.

"How long have you been awake?"

I shrug. 'Cause I'm really not sure.

"I-I don't know. A while, I guess."

"What's that?"

He nods towards the sketchbook in my lap and I immediately get up out of my chair to put it somewhere safe. "It's nothing." He's immediately off the bed, standing in my way and grabbing it out of my hand and holding it out of my reach as he goes through the pages. "Brian! Really, it's nothing, it's just-" Then he gets to the picture that's him and there isn't really a point in asking him to stop looking now. He's already on the picture that I didn't want him to see. It's not that it's bad – It's the best work that I've ever done…probably because he's the best thing I've drawn ever – but…I don't know.

"Did you just do this?"

I'm totally aware that I look like a stalker freak and that I'm blushing.

"Uh – yes?"

"I'm really fucking hot."

He smiles at me and I laugh slightly, snatching it out of his hand and snapping it shut again. I quickly put it away in my desk and hope that I'm not blushing anymore. That's definitely a false hope, right there.

"No wonder you got accepted."

"W-what?"

"To PIFA."

Just the very mention of PIFA makes me feel sick to my stomach. I shrug. "Thanks…but it doesn't matter. My father wants-" Brian rolls his eyes and grabs the back of my head so that I'm looking at him and only him. "No one gives a flying fuck about what your dad wants. It's about what you want. That's the only thing you should care about. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Good."

He doesn't release the back of my head – instead his other arm moves around my waist and he's pulling me against him and kissing me hard and needy, fast and impatient although we both know that I'm not ready to go any further than this. Though, he doesn't really seem to mind at the moment.

"I'm such a loser, Daphne!"

After Brian left my house Saturday afternoon the first thing I did was ask my mom to take me to Daphne's house. My father wasn't there when I woke up and, I'm assuming, he either left last night after our little fight or just really early this morning. Either way, I wasn't about to ask my mom and neither of us mentioned what happened last night. Neither of us wanted to.

Daphne stares at me. I can tell that she's trying really hard not to laugh in my face.

"Go ahead, Daph, just laugh already."

And she does, laughing like it's the most hilarious thing she's ever heard in her life. When she does stop laughing she actually manages to look sympathetic.

"Poor Justin. The boy who'll remain a virgin his entire life."

"Shut up."

She does; for about five point two seconds.

"So, were things awkward this morning?"

"No, he was nice about it."

"God, you suck. I'd jump at the chance for him to fuck me."

I roll my eyes; the very thought of them having sex grossing me out. "Gross, Daph! You're sick." She only shrugs, smile on her face. "I'm only saying that you totally passed out on an amazingly hot opportunity." I shrug, fingering my hair and biting at my bottom lip. She sighs. Heavily. God, she's almost as sad as I am that I haven't had sex with him yet. Sheesh.

"You are going to, right?"

"He said whenever I was ready to let him know."

I'm sure I'm blushing really bad right now.

"He said that?"

"Yes, right before we dropped him off at home."

"He's the perfect guy for me."

"He's gay, retard."

"Well…except for that little loophole. I could always get him really, really drunk."

"No matter how drunk you get him – I don't think he'd ever fuck pussy."

"Justin!"

She looks at me, astounded for some reason. I raise an eyebrow.

"You said the word pussy."

"…So?"

She suddenly smiles.

"Maybe you'll get laid after all."

I have no idea what the hell this has to do with saying the word, 'pussy', but whatever.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous when I walked into school Monday morning. I haven't talked to Brian since he left Saturday afternoon and I can't help but think that he might be…I don't know…something…around me today. Will he make fun of me for being a scared little virgin? Will he be like he was at my house – kind and understanding? Or would he act like nothing even happened; act like we didn't make out on my bed. Act like he didn't make me feel better when I was crying like a baby.

Daphne tells me to shut up and that I'm just paranoid.

I suppose that she's right.

So when Brian doesn't show up for first period I relax. Immensely. And, let's just say that I'm perfectly relaxed the entire day because…he doesn't show up at all – which, I suppose, is kind of weird. I mean, he was fine when he left my house and he never gets sick. So then, of course, I wonder if he's alright. If something happened to him. Daphne tells me that I'm retarded. "It's not a big deal if he misses a day of school. If you're so worried then call him when you get home."

She has a point.

So…that's what I do. As soon as I throw myself on my bed I grab the phone. It rings six times and I'm about to hang up when it suddenly clicks and an unpleasant woman says, "Hello?" God, she sounds really unpleasant. I wonder if it's Brian's mother. Duh – who else could it be? "Uh – is Brian there?" There's a pause and then I hear the woman calling for Brian to get the fucking phone. Yeah, she's definitely the unpleasant type.

"Hello?"

He doesn't exactly sound right. Something in his voice is off.

"Brian?"

"Justin."

Shit – I don't even know what to say. I don't know how long I was silent but it was long enough 'cause, soon, he's saying my name. "W-what?" He doesn't say anything for a few seconds. "Are you alright, Justin?" There's still something off about the way he's talking to me and it only makes me more worried about him…but why should I be worried? He's probably perfectly fine. Maybe he did get sick.

"O-Oh, I'm fine. I was just wondering…where you were today…I was just worried, I guess, when you didn't show up and I was just…wondering where you…were…"

I only, like, repeated myself a million times.

He chuckles and I bet he thinks I'm such a loser.

"I'm fine. I just…didn't feel good today."

He is so full of shit. And I tell him so.

"What makes you think that?"

"I can tell when you're lying, Brian."

"I just think you're way too…worrisome."

"Are you sure everything's alright?"

He sighs heavily into the phone. I suddenly hear the woman's voice yelling at him to get off the phone. I think I hear a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the phone but I'm not exactly sure. "Everything's fine, Justin. I have to go."

He hangs up before I even have a chance to say bye.