Chapter 19.
Strong.
Carol.
There was a time when she thought Ed was her soulmate.
She was young, still just a kid, and the world seemed small to her. It was one small town after another all over the map, nothing different. Mama was quiet, but happy, and daddy was boisterous and sweet. He used to take her out on the boat, and they would fish for hours – she was never good at it, always wandering off, jumping on rocks, looking for salamanders, but he brought her anyway. She was a wild child, bold and confident, rocketing through life just like daddy did. She wanted to be like him. She had her quiet moments, too, sitting with mama and listening to the radio, daydreaming in rocking chairs on the front porch, planting flowers in the garden.
She was happy. High school was her dream. For a while she was popular, smart, ready for the future to start – and then she met him. Ed was handsome and charming. He had a car. He used to go out vandalizing houses with his friends, and she thought that was cool.
He had seemed so perfect to her, but she had not realized at the time that he was chipping away at her. He was like waves on rocks, taking a little away with him each time he touched her. She never noticed because the changes were so small. She stopped going out with her friends, only ever leaving home when he was with her. She kept her hair long because he liked it that way, even though it was too hot in the summer. She lost touch with her friends and only knew the people that he knew. Her parents seemed further away, drifting off into the past.
But she was still happy. Ed was her dream. He was sweet and strong, providing for their growing family without a single complaint. He wanted her to be happy, he said. He wanted her to stay home and raise their sweet little Sophia, he said.
The good times ended where the bad times began. Ed had moments where he was not sweet, and those moments became more frequent as time went on. Carol had never been hit before and the first time it happened she had all these ideas of leaving – until he sunk to his knees at her feet and swore it would never happen again. She loved him. She let it happen.
Maybe that was why this had happened.
Carol lay on her side in her tent, staring at the white wall.
She had been inside for days, claiming she was sick, lying to the people she had befriended to cover up what her husband had done – to cover up her shame. Her back was covered in welts, some of them open cuts, and her torso was bruised. She had not looked at herself in a mirror since it happened, preferring not to see what she already knew was there.
She spent her time thinking, imagining the person she had been, how strong that little girl was. She wondered if her parents were still alive, if they would take her back if she found them. It was the only place she could imagine going.
But even now, she was terrified of the thought of leaving Ed. He was part of her life. And if she left him, she still be here with him. She would still be in this camp, in the quarry. It would change nothing. It would only make him more vicious. And what did that mean for Sophia?
It was midafternoon, four days after her self-quarantine, that Shane came into her tent.
He kicked his shoes off at the entrance and came to sit beside her, cross-legged. His eyes were heavy and tired, his hair pressed down from wearing a hat. Carol didn't know much about what was going on in camp, only what Sophia told her and what Ed grumbled about when he came in to sleep, but it seemed like Shane was having a hard time.
He stared at her for a while, pitying, before he spoke.
"How're you doing, Carol?"
He looked guilty, and he should be. Ed told her what sparked his anger in the woods. One of the 'pigs' had come to talk to him, to tell him what he should be doing differently in his marriage. Carol was not sure which of them it had been until this moment. Now she could only wonder about the why. She had poured over her interactions with Ed and found nothing so obvious going on in camp. Her mind circled back to the simplest solution – Sophia had said something to someone.
Carol wanted to be mad at Shane, but she could not muster the emotion.
She said, "I'm fine."
Shane ran a hand through his thick, curly hair. "Ed do somethin' to you?"
Carol was startled by his bluntness. Rick and Shane had spoken to her separately, once or twice, trying to get her to say something against her husband, but they were never so forward. She stammered for a moment, and then choked, "No."
His eyes bore into hers. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."
Her voice was just a whisper. "I don't need your help."
"Yes, you do."
Carol felt a sudden spark of anger. "I'm not a lost puppy. What happens in my marriage is none of your business, or anybody else's. I want you to leave me alone!"
Shane was taken aback. His face hardened. He nodded and left the tent.
She lay there in silence for a few more minutes, the anger searing through her. She usually kept it away, afraid that Ed might see, afraid that she would say something wrong. But this time she rode it out, let herself be pissed off about how much pain she was in, how unfair it all was, how the end of the world had come and trapped her here.
And when the anger was gone, she pulled herself upright. She slid her shirt off and retrieved her hand mirror from beneath the cot.
She made herself look at the bruises.
It was never going to stop. The realization hit her, and the resolution to change it came after. Ed was going to keep doing this unless she did something to stop him.